Re: Advice on My Scenario Pt. 14 - Phoenix Rising

[OrangeK]

Id still like to ask why she shut our her love off like a light-switch too, but i know ill never get that answer.

Honestly i am starting to think she deliberately left everything open ended so she can have openings if it doesn't work with OM.
That way she can come in and say "I never said i would never love you again" or "We never talked about that, this is how i feel now Blah blah blah"

[OrangeK]

i wish there was some way to let her know, without telling her directly (pursuit) that i am willing to simply listen to what she has to say. She never communicated to me, held everything in and it destroyed our marriage....

[sandi2]

i wish there was some way to let her know, without telling her directly (pursuit) that i am willing to simply listen to what she has to say. She never communicated to me, held everything in and it destroyed our marriage....

This is the problem that eating at you^^^^^^^^^^^. You may can call it better communication, co-parenting, or whatever........but you really want to be able to talk about the two of you.

I think you push for too much. Both of you scrutinize each other's texts for the slightest hint of some type of an one-up. Neither want to let the other have the last word!

But if she is nice......then, you don't want to leave her alone. You want to push for more!
Just let it be! This is probably the nicest text since day one, without any sarcasm........so just let it be, and don't push.

[OrangeK]

Here is a list of personal goals i thought about over the weekend, from the small and trivial, to the large and important.

Priority #1 - S3's Happiness, Growth Safety and FUN.

Fitness/diet:
Begin Running
Get myself up to 185, currently at 172. Muscle Gains only.
Be ripped like gladiator by October.
Stick to my meal prep plan better.
Stop getting Breakfast from Drive through. Fruit and Oatmeal not Bacon and Cheese. (Bacon for weekends)
More Water.

Habits:
Wake up earlier
Go to bed Earlier
Meditate more.
QUIT SMOKING BUTTS
Keep a cleaner living space.

Personal Goals:
Get moved to Brothers house. Start saving money.
Pay of all debts, both personal and from TRO/Divorce
Buy new car
Get new 2br apartment.
Get all bills on "Auto Pay"
Get higher paying work.

Personal goals of a less important nature
Finish Arm sleeve.
Start tattoos for S3, Late Brother, Late Grandfather. Personal Back-piece.
Learn more Crafts.Trades - Welding, Blacksmithing, Foundry work. Woodworking.
Write more, practice drawing.
Get a guitar, dont quit on it in 2 weeks.
DM my own D&D campaign.
Start going to Card Tourneys again.

Last, but certainly not least.
STOP WORRYING/MIND READING/BEING ANGRY AT WW & OM.
they dont matter.
They are relics of the past, i am above that.
Done. Final. Complete, Finito,

"you cant trip on whats behind you"
~WW's EX BF

[OrangeK]

This is the problem that eating at you^^^^^^^^^^^.

Guilty.

You may can call it better communication, co-parenting, or whatever........but you really want to be able to talk about the two of you.

Slight correction here. I dont want to talk about the two of us. I just want her to talk about the two of us. I said all i needed to months ago.

I think you push for too much. Both of you scrutinize each other's texts for the slightest hint of some type of an one-up. Neither want to let the other have the last word!

What am i "pushing for" (no snarkyness here, just curious as you didnt specify)
You are 110% right about us scrutinizing eachothers messages. Im trying to take them at face value.

But if she is nice......then, you don't want to leave her alone. You want to push for more!
Just let it be! This is probably the nicest text since day one, without any sarcasm........so just let it be, and don't push.

When else have i pushed after her being nice? again, not questioning you, i want to know what example you are citing so i can be aware.
Im leaving it alone. I am happy with how today's messaging went.

I know you may tell me im nitpicking, but i know how she communicated in the past and the nuances of it. The only thing she said that felt sarcastic/left handed was the "Yep" at the end.
She always used "Mhm" "yep" and "Ya..." very dismissively in the past.
If she was agreeing about something she likes, it was always "YES!" "Ok :)" "Sure" or "you bet"

[sandi2]

What am i "pushing for" (no snarkyness here, just curious as you didnt specify)
You are 110% right about us scrutinizing eachothers messages. Im trying to take them at face value.

You just said it. You want her to talk about the two of you (which is what I meant when I said you really want to talk about the two of you). I meant, that is where your head is, and that is what you really want. A lot of your concerns about better co-parenting communication is just surface for what your really desire.

When else have i pushed after her being nice? again, not questioning you, i want to know what example you are citing so i can be aware.

Ever since her text, you talked about what you wanted to text back, and wanted to hear her talk about the two of you. That's what I mean. You didn't say anything to her that was pushy (the conversation was on the hinge of being long, but still good) but if we had agreed......you would have been texting her back again, trying to get her to open up. That is what I mean by pushing for more. It would be obvious to her, and way too risky.

You want more communication b/c you want her.......period. You are using the co-parenting as the excuse, but it really boils down to how much you need to her to talk to you about the R. I'm not picking on you, I'm just trying to help you not to overkill. Don't start spinning again, and become consumed about how to get her to open up. This is the pattern I saw in you in the past (your dark time). I was trying to turn you around before you started obsessing. Just let it be for now. Don't keep posting about it. Don't repeat those old behavior patterns and get into another dark time. ((hugs))

If the two of you can have a stretch of time where there are these type of nice/friendly type of texting........then who knows where that may lead.

I know you may tell me im nitpicking, but i know how she communicated in the past and the nuances of it. The only thing she said that felt sarcastic/left handed was the "Yep" at the end.
She always used "Mhm" "yep" and "Ya..." very dismissively in the past.
If she was agreeing about something she likes, it was always "YES!" "Ok :)" "Sure" or "you bet"

OMG!! Yes, that it is nitpicking, Orange! Maybe she has picked up a new habit. This is what I mean. Don't let your mind run away with things over something like this. Just let it be, and stop over-thinking it.

As you said, it was good.......so relax and feel satisfied for today.

[OrangeK]

If the two of you can have a stretch of time where there are these type of nice/friendly type of texting........then who knows where that may lead.

This is gold. today was my foundation.
Can you send blueprints for a lighthouse?

[OrangeK]

thank you Sandi.

That post did marvels for my confidence and resolve.

[OrangeK]

However I did have to text and ask about the 50% payment for S3's Dr. Appointment two weeks ago.

I owe someone that money and need it back.

I asked politely.

ME: Have you had a chance to mail out the check for S3's Dr. Appt yet? I have a need for that, as i owe a balance elsewhere. Can you please let me know when you've sent it.

[OrangeK]

Ok, so i ended up talking with WW quite a bit last night.
Im not sure how i feel about it.....Probably shouldnt be talking this much but the convo wasnt bad, except that the beginning felt like an attempt to get under my skin. Ill take any input.

After i asked about repayment from her about S3's Dr. Appt Yesterday afternoon she replied "oh yea i forgot about that ill get that right out to you in the mail"

Last Night:

WW: I just recieved your new finanacial paperwork in the mail. I know you cant reply to this as its not about S3, but i wanted to mention that the Gross income on your paystubs doesnt match what you listed, also you didnt list your overtime pay. I dont know if the court will catch on to this, dont wana see it come back and bite you.
I am glad you got a chance to talk to S3 on the phone tonight.

*Waited 1.5 hrs*

ME:Yes it was nice to talk to him. Im just glad communication is easier now, as easy as it can be given the circumstances. Let me know about July daycare week off when you can please.

WW: Yes sorry i forgot about the July discussion

ME: Can we talk about his behavior for a second?

WW: Okay

ME: Ive seen improvement but i still see a lot of deliberate disagreeing and obstinance.

WW: I see it more when he is hungry or tired. Other than that hes been great lately.

ME: I can agree there. Ive been giving him choices so he feels more in control. I feel like the whole situation took away his sense of control and routine. He is just getting back into a routine. He has been through a lot, but i have seen a lot of improvement lately. I just want to be sure we are on the same page as far as parenting techniques are concerned, so things are consistent for him. If there are any specific methods you are using at your home let me know and i will do my best to emulate those when he is with us. Have you still been doing James Taylor at bedtime?

WW: Yeah, i give him a choice to make, whether its between a couple of things or the choice to help do something or not. That way he is part of the decision making process.
How have you been doing discipline?

ME: I do timeouts with him, we sit with a book and when he has calmed down i tell him we can read the story and learn from it, then go back to what we were doing. Why, How are you doing discipline?

WW: Okay

WW: I Would like to really work hard on potty training this summer.

WW: We will have to deal with some accidents at first but it will be the best way to learn if we try just cold turkey on diapers. Where its summer out we can just have plenty of spare undies on hand.

ME: Glad were on the same page there, ive already been doing that.

WW: He has gone a few times on the toilet here, but usually waits till hes going in his diaper.

WW: Glad we are on the same page too.

__________________________________________

This Morning

WW: I Put some clean clothes from your house in his backpack this morning. Hes been telling lots of stories and saying funny things this morning. He keeps asking about the Donut House whats up with that? LOL.

ME: Ok, Cute. He likes the lady where i get my coffee in the morning. calls it the donut house.

WW: Hes so funny! he so serious about it, asks anytime we drive by Dunkin's! Hes such a ham!!
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Still interested why she feels the need to dictate to me about the divorce. Then act like everything is peachy keen.
Again, this is not how someone "in fear of their safety and needs a Rest. Order" talks to the person they "Fear"
Also she came to my house on Sunday to pickup S3 and fully expected me to be there, i called and had my grandfather be there instead so i wasnt violating 300' rule of RO, but she had asked "Do you want to send S3 out or should i come to the door?"
So she was expecting to see me up close, in person.

Her actions and words dont match up and its frustrating.

On the other hand i do prefer this "Chipper" version as opposed to scorn, but i know she is still planning and staying vigilant behind her facade of pleasantry. this is all part of her game. It feels like a trap....