I can't really put us into tight of a spot because of my child. again, just me, whatever. Not her. There is no room for a roommate in the house. I couldn definitely cut down on some of the finer things in life, but we aren't living off of PB&J for the home.
Anyways, I don't have it, it isn't mine, and I have sold my freakin dining set, and now after tonight, there will be a big hole where that was. It's just all just driving up my anxiety, making me sad an overwhelming me. Luckily, I got my Xanax prescription refilled, had one and a glass of wine last night and actually slept through the night, which I never do.
I am also off tomorrow for a D10 school event in the morning, then I have a hair appt. Saturday morning, D10 and I are doing a charity grocery store bagging even in the morning. Should be fun.
I didn't hear from hatchet guy yesterday. Nor did I reach out. Whatever happens, happens. I guess I have enough on my plate.
And I'm going to be in Mexico in 10 days! I hope my liver is ready!!!!
Looks like good advice overall on the house stuff. I know little about it but earlier in the year I was taking a Dave Ramsey class to understand finances better. I also planned to get a house sometime this year but things change after taking the class and I realized it's just not the right time. A house is nice but you don't need it either, no need to keep up with the Jones. Renting is fine for a time if it's the phase you need to be in. As said above there's always options even if you don't think so right now.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I know you want to purchase a home and finally get settled into one place, but it may not be the right time for you financially. Maybe it would be best to look for another rental and this would allow you more time to search for that special place.
I'd like to give you an example....I had new neighbors move in next door to me 2.5 years ago. They had rented for years. Unfortunately, after 6 mths, they admitted that they were house poor. They didn't realize just how much it costs to keep up a home. They had to purchase a new dryer, hot water heater, have the septic pumped and now the roof is leaking around the flashing. The yard is now a mess because both husband and wife are working constantly to pay the mortgage. They loved the home and thought it was in really good shape, or so they thought, because the previous owners had done a good job of hiding some of the issues.
Had my neighbors spoken to all of the neighbors, we could have advised them of some of the major issues with the home. They paid far too much for the place. A word of caution to you...when you do find a place that you are interested in, don't settle for what the owners and realtor have to say about the place....ask the neighbors. They will be able to tell you a little bit about the place as well. After all, they don't have a horse in the race for selling the place.
You have a vacation coming up...go and have fun. When you return, your battery will be recharged and you'll be ready to look for a new place to rent. Now that school is ending, people will begin moving around and hopefully there will be plenty of places to look at.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I tried to have the tough girl attitude about hatchet guy, but the truth is, I am hurt. I gave him the opportunity to tell me he is not interested but he pretended like he was and I haven't heard from his since. Since Tuesday night. ANd it hurts. I keep typing something to text him, mostly because I don't want him to have the easy way out of ghosting me. I want to call him on his cowardness. But I type it and delete it. What does it matter?
My house, It was twice a tease. Now I just hang in balance. Renting isn't an option either. SO I hope for the best.
D10 had her wax museum so I took the day off. YOu know what? She never told her father about it. We have been working on the poster, the speech, the costume for weeks, and he had no clue. I leave things up to her to tell him. She doesn't even see someone who is involved in her life. Daddy takes her to parties and on vacations. Mommy makes stuff happen. I took her to the craft store to get her stuff to make him something for father's day. I have been watching her make him his gift.
Everything is a tease. I think something good is finally happening, then it really all is "haha psyche!" kind of moment and the good stuff I work towards disappears. The house, the guy, my family, everything.
It hurts. I've just been going through this for too long. I feel like I am just being punished all the time. Like karma keeps crashing into me with her bus. I feel completely undeserving of love and security.
I can't stop tears and I keep telling D10 It's something sad on TV. Maybe I'll take her for ice cream, even though I am fat, but it would probably make both of us feel good:) I did go to the gym and had a kick butt kickboxing work out. I let loose so bad, I moved the bag across the floor.
Hey girl - Just to give you a little opposite perspective on Hatchet guy (because I WAS you once):
My life right now is really full. Super full. So full that I was happy to just visit my Zlove Avoidant friend once a month, until he ghosted me (or fell and broke his hip and died in his apartment, I have no way of actually knowing).
So I met a new guy for a glass of wine and agreed to a date this weekend. But he spooked me by pushing to see me three times this week! I had to slap him down (points for him though, he took my bluntly worded "hint" and backed way off on the communication, so our date tomorrow is still on).
What this experience taught me though is that for those Love Avoidant guys, my perfectly reasonable, twice a week kind of texting might feel to them just like this new guy felt to me. It never feels good to feel pressure from someone you have just met.
Think about those girls we all knew and hated but envied that had all the boys buzzing around them. They never waited on a guy, they always knew another one would come by in a minute.
You need to fake yourself into that mindset. Plan dates for this weekend, with friends of other guys or whatever. Go out and be seen. Don't be too available if hatchet guy pops back up.
You only just met him so who knows what his trip is. You might never find out but I doubt it has anything to do with you since you had a nice date. Don't waste too much energy just keep moving forward,
You need to fake yourself into that mindset. Plan dates for this weekend, with friends of other guys or whatever. Go out and be seen. Don't be too available if hatchet guy pops back up.
You only just met him so who knows what his trip is. You might never find out but I doubt it has anything to do with you since you had a nice date. Don't waste too much energy just keep moving forward,
So much yes to this.
This is definitely something I've tried/am still trying to do...the fake yourself into that mindset.
It's really hard, and it feels like I'm such a fraud doing it sometimes, like it's not the real me somehow, that I can't keep it up for more than a few milliseconds, or that I'll be found out or humiliated somewhere along the line.
And then I noticed something interesting happening. At some point the fake it till you make it becomes your default mindset.
And I also noticed that you slip back into the worrying mindset less often. And when you do, you really notice it as it feels horrible, or downright weird, and like you're expending your energy in the wrong way...in a not constructive way, so you stop yourself from going down that route.
I'm sure it's something to do with how your brain works. Something to do with not being able to tell the difference between what you're imagining and what's actually happening in the outside world. Both feel as real to it, releasing the same hormones in your body.
I think that's probably why sportspeople visualise winning races and competitions and tell themselves how they're going to feel, or why performers do it as well. They're literally training their brains and taking control of their mindset.
I find it really, really fascinating. It's helped me lots and lots over these past few years.
One thing I've noticed about you is that you go "all in". In fact you probably eat tacos with both hands instead of holding your pinkie out dabbing at your lips with a napkin between bites
Who knows what's up with hatchet guy? I certainly don't. Given the dynamics of online dating and the fact that he sounded like a "catch" he may well have a half-dozen different women that he is spending time with. Take Dawn's example where she had a couple of different guys that she was seeing at any one time.
That's (from my outside view) the way it's done. In some ways it's a sad "pick me" dance but it does seem to be the way that people meet each other these days.
We all wish that our fairy godmothers would show up with some mice, a pumpkin and those helpful woodland creatures that do the dusting. One thing I've learned painfully over the last few years is the only thing that happens quickly is disappointment. I know you've learned that lesson even more than I have and I give you credit for still hoping and still trying.
Kudos to you and your D though for making a good life for yourselves. It sounds like she has clear and realistic expectations of both her parents. It's like I used to joke with my kids. If they want something done well, ask their mother. If they wanted it to get done, ask me.
((G))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Holy Heck! Andrew, that may have been one of the best posts you've made. Especially "the only thing that happens quickly is disappointment." That is just so true - especially when one person is just causally letting life happen (potentially hatchet man) and the other is really, really hoping to find someone after striking out so many times (potentially Ginger). It's time like this that disappointment comes very quickly.
Ginger, I so get it - I've been there. It's like, when am I (when are you) going to get a break and things fall together? I just know how it goes. You meet someone that you are attracted to, then start making them into what you would hope they will be, but all along they are just living life and not a quarter as invested yet.
Many of us have said it before, you tend to go all in so fast. It's just you. That does not make you bad, but it may hinder things for you with guys. I know you don't think you are showing him you are that interested, but you are. We guys can sense it. I'm sure girls can too.
I can just recall times in my life. I remember meeting a cousin or something of a good friend of mine many years ago. We had casual fun in a group for a couple hours and I asked for her number and I think gave her a short kiss when we all parted. Well, I never called. It was not her, I was just living life. I didn't even think she would care or was that interested. She was soooooo upset as I heard later and I was such an A-Hole for not calling. She made it into so much more, after being divorced a few years prior. There was nothing wrong with her, I just didn't followup for whatever reason. It was totally ME. I also know that the times things have worked out, it's when I'm trying the least. Now, that has not gotten me anywhere as of late so I am trying more but I really have to temper it. But I can think back in my life and for the most part, the girls that didn't chase me are the ones I connected with more.
I know you know all of this. The hard part is really living it, feeling it, being it. I just so want to give you a huge hug and let you know I get it. I just know it's going to change, if not now, a few years down the road. D10 will not be D10 forever. You have so much life to go yet and she will not need as much of your time, etc. forever. The life you have today is NOT possibly going to be the life you have in 2, three, or five years.
As for hatchet guy, who knows? He could be a coward. Some guys would rather say they are interested because they don't want the fallout of saying otherwise. And some girls don't take it well - as many guys don't. You and I would just tell them - or at least most of the time we would. The best advice I can give you is to keep thinking "It's not me, it's something with him at this point in time" because the truth of the matter, that is very likely the case. It's not something you've done, not done, how you look, or any of it. One thing though, had you not had a 7 hour date with him, you may have left him wanting more and wanting it sooner. This has happened before but you keep doing it. Even if you are having a great time, you have to HAVE TO not give too much too fast. You've got to make these guys want you - come to you. You have to be a little harder to get. Doing otherwise just does not work 90% of the time.
Hang in there! Do something fun this weekend and take your mind off of it all! Because IT'S NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
haha, ANdrew, that is an accurate assessment, I do go "all in" What that does mean, is I don't do anything half-arsed. (except clean). I put my whole self into things, yes. Absolutely.
Unfortunately the things that have been happening are the straws that broke the camel's back. If you look at why I am so upset and frustrated, it isn't because of one isolated bad experience, it's over a long period of time.
I can't catch a break, even when I really feel as if I am "due" and took the precautions and did the leg work, and nothing ends up as it appears, and I simply find myself back in the same situation I was trying to get out of. The isolated incidences begin to weigh heavier. This goes for the house, the guy, everything.
Hatchet guy, well, by all appearances, I let myself take our great time for face value. I took Juju's advice, I even measured for values, good family, good father, ect. By all appearances, there is no reason why this should have went the way it did. But it did. ANd yeah, he probably has a whole bunch of women, who knows. I sent him a message yesterday saying " the signals are no longer mixed, they are quite clear, best wishes to you". Nothing back of course.
I am truly a genuine person. What you see is what you get, no games, nothing. I just keep having to deal with the most ingenuine people ever. I do have a hard time wrapping my head around not being able to trust someone at face value anymore.
Anyways, It is what it is. My deep sadness is truly a culmination of 10 years of trying to find a decent guy and an R to last longer than 6 months and not to be as special to someone as they are to me, where I am not so disposable. It's not this one isolated instance of a guy being a dick.
Will I never not put my whole self into something? Well, I don't know if I am capable of not doing that. But what I am worried about is I can't even trust the person I am being shown anymore. If things seem good, I can't even trust it anymore. ANd that's not who I am, but who I am going to find myself turning into.
D10 is of course with her father today, and I am going to my nephews birthday pool party. I'll be one of the few sans kids or husbands, but that's ok. The nice thing is I can just enjoy the sun, drinks, food, and not have to chase around any children, lol. On the other hand, I am the one who help the overwhelmed parents and let them relax while I take care of their kids.
I even find myself dreading going back to work a bit. I have ot make work work for me. I am putting my foot down on the way people treat me there, what I am willing to do, what I am not willing to do and I insist on getting out on time and letting others handle it.
And here I am scrolling through FB and my exH pops up with his friend. (I am FB friends with his friend's mom). He wasn't even home last night with our D. ( it was my weekend, but of course he gets father's day).
This happens more often than not lately on his time. It wouldn't bother me so much if didn't have such little custody time. This is the life he wanted. He got it!
