I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

H had some clothes in his basket that he had told me needed to be rewashed (or at least I thought that's what he said). They sat there in the entryway for a week and I was cleaning up so I put his clothes in the dirty laundry and put the basket away. I woke up the next morning to a text that came through at like 1:20am saying "where are my shirts?" I got up and went into the bathroom and ran into his laundry bin and noticed that my clothes had been thrown on the floor from my vanity chair. I was pretty sure this was something he had done but thought maybe D15 put my clothes on the floor to sit in my vanity chair and paint her nails or something but she said no, she didn't do that. I said ok, I figured you didn't, I think I know what happened. She said what? I said I think Daddy was mad that I moved his clothes. She said he was probably drunk. I said no, it was just last night. She said again, he was probably drunk. Later that morning after D15 had left H asked me about his clothes and I said I thought you told me they needed to be rewashed so I put them in the laundry. The maturity level of...then he started talking over me, etc. He does no wrong you know.

As I go through this journey, I think back to some of the things H has said to me and I wonder what would have been a better response than what I gave. My H asked me a couple of months ago "Why did you do this to us?"....of course I apologized, said I never meant to hurt him I just lost track of time, same things I've said over and over. If he said that to me again tomorrow, is there a more appropriate response? It just seems like the way he talks to me, there is no good way to respond, no way to really communicate. I mean, as I think about it, it's not really a question is it? I mean, not one I can answer....it's a rhetorical question. Why am I just seeing that??

[HelenaJ]

Sometimes the things I post are just random thoughts, my intention is to use my threads as sort of a documentation of this year, one post is not necessarily related to another as I dont have an ongoing dramatic situation on my hands. I assure you Im an otherwise intelligent person . I dont get a whole lot of feedback-what are you guys thinking when you read my posts??

[arsh18]

Hi Helena I have been following your sitch and sorry you are going through this. i think it is a great place to journal here, few monthd down the lane you might see for yourself how much you have progressed and it will be a great morale booster. It is good that you do not have an ongoing dramatic high stress sitch, calm people make better decisions anyway. When i felt initially I was not getting enough feedback, I started participating and helping in other sitches and being more frequent in my updates. Hope that helps you too.

[HelenaJ]

Hi Arsh, thanks for responding. Yes my situation is more of a stalemate I suppose....it's definitely still stressful, just not dramatic in terms of posting play by plays here and needing advice bc the truth is, H and I don't really interact. That is mostly my choice as he wants to pretend and play house but I do not. Based on some of the posts I received when H and I were interacting, it seemed that maybe most people thought my situation was dangerous to kids and I emotionally and that my M was not healthy enough to stay in. But I am still here in the M and I still need support as I go through it ya know?
I've been going through this for a long time and it always ends the same, whether it's with a counselor or my sister or here-people tell me that this is no way to live and that's as far as it goes. I know this, I know it's know way to live, believe me. It's horrible. But clearly there are things I need to change about myself that will allow me to see what everyone else sees.
Anyway, this is something I need to do on my own regardless. I guess if anyone wants to help or be a friend they either will or won't.

_____

I know that one of my biggest problems has been with setting boundaries in my R with H. He's very set on who he is and what he does and does not waver. So, if I want to be with him, I either accept or I don't. I was very young when I met him and didn't really know who I was anyway, so I became very fluid and "grew up" with his definitions and opinions simply because they were stronger than mine and I didn't (usually) mind. H has a lot of characteristics of personality disorder but I don't talk much about it because people automatically think you're labeling or blame shifting or just reaching for straws (someone once said that nearly everyone here labels their partner with some sort of personality disorder). But at the end of the day, it's my life and I know what I live with. I also understand that H can be an emotional abuser and an emotional manipulator. I just can't bring myself to label as one thing or another-I had the same difficulty with his drinking....I couldn't label him as an alcoholic because what does that mean exactly? He was drinking every other day, weird rituals/drinking days, passing out, refused to stop even though he knew he might lose me over it....I was googling al-anon and ways to cope and still could not label him an alcoholic.

So back to the boundaries. H drank heavily. To be fair, he never tried to tell me he would stop or cut back. I knew the problem. And I knew it before I married him. I desperately debated on whether marrying him was the right thing....did I want to live like that for the rest of my life?? I didn't really confide in anyone...someone not knowing about my situation once told me from her experience "alcoholism is a very secretive life". I thought in my head, yes it is. Needless to say, I married him. After we had kids he changed. He still drank heavily, but not so often to the point of passing out-he definitely restructured. And the ritualistic nature relaxed considerably....it used to be he wouldn't go anywhere on "drinking nights" but when you have kids and they are involved in things, it can't really be like that if you want to be an involved parent, which he did. He chose a more relaxed path where he could both drink and be an involved parent. But my dilemma was: do I marry an alcoholic or not? He's making no promises to stop, in fact the opposite. He tells me this is him, take it or leave it. Inside I knew I didn't want it...but I wanted HIM. So I married him and have tons of resentment mostly because I saw that he did change for something he cared enough to change for-our kids. But not for me.
Pornography...once again, he's never said he would stop or cut back. This is him, all guys do it, take it or leave it. I've googled relentlessly and sought external validation on whether it is "right" or "wrong". My inside and my heart says it is WRONG at least in the manner in which it occurs in my situation. But I have betrayed my own feelings by tolerating it because what is the alternative? To end the M?
I feel bullied into accepting things that don't feel right to me and that hurt me but the fact of the matter is, I've accepted it. I've created this life. Resentment has taken over my entire heart at times, clouded my judgment at times and has turned me into a person I don't want to be at times.
In this current situation, I have been given the guidelines by H for this new R. They are not acceptable to me. I have told him that and told him I would not live like that. And yet here I am. Living like that.
I somehow have to give up this vision of the perfect me, the perfect family and accept that it's broken. Very, very broken. And I have to find strength, like the super human kind, because to make my life right and live true to myself, my kids' will be turned upside down at least in the short term. What good mother who prefers to put her children ahead of herself does that? I have always been "laid back" and "easy going". I like that about myself. I don't create drama and try to tone it down when it appears. I don't know how to CREATE a situation where I turn everyone's lives upside down knowing that it is going to start drama, unhappiness and perhaps lifelong scars. I've always just dealt with things, obviously not in the best ways, and I've learned that sometimes indecision creates decisions...ones that are not always for the best. I do not choose to live in a house with my H and co-parent when there is no M. I do not want this. I've tried to create my boundaries the best I can without actually leaving, given that I do not want a D. 1) implemented no R talk where the intent is just to beat me up...no R talk unless he's serious about changing the way things are between us 2) gave him my rings back. He has told me we are no longer a couple and to me, this was the most obvious way to acknowledge that and 3) I do not interact with him, pursue him, talk to him, rely on him, ask his opinion, cook for him, buy him things, support him or anything else that a partner would do.
Some days I really really struggle because a voice in my head tells me that these "boundaries" simply give him what he wanted! I've simply accepted his terms.
The other voice in my head tells me not to think in black and white terms. The only options are not to "live with it" or to go. There must be an in-between, one where he feels the full consequences of his choices and perhaps he will change his mind. I just have to keep listening to this voice. I am not "living with it". I am accepting his terms full on in the short term, hoping he will change his mind and miss what we had....and in the long term, if he does not change his mind, I guess I will have to make the decision to go or else truly accept living with it. I am definitely the frog in the pot and the heat just keeps increasing.

[Vanilla]

Honey, that perfect R was a projection. It never existed.

V

[HelenaJ]

We certainly never had a perfect R. Just a perfect family.

[NicoleR]

Helena,

I'm honestly not sure what to say about your situation. It sounds like you're not planning to leave your husband any time soon but there's also not much chance that the marriage can be fixed as things currently stand. It seems the days are passing by and you're reflecting on my aspects of the marriage and of yourself. It sounds like you've accepted a lot of your husband's behaviors. I wish he could appreciate you and want to fix the marriage just as you do. The way he's chosen to live seems cruel and doesn't seem to offer either you nor he a high quality of life. I hope someday you can find a way to break this cycle. There are a lot of limitations to a forum like this one but if you could see a counselor in real life then perhaps you'd get more useful feedback. I really hope it won't be too long until there's a breakthrough for you. I lived like this in a dead marriage with my husband for a few years and every night I fell asleep filled with sorry. It's a type of silent suffering that few can understand.

[HelenaJ]

Hi Nicole,
Yes, after weighing everything out, it just seems to make the most sense to wait to make any decisions until S17 graduates. With that said, in my heart I do not think anything will change between H and I until and unless I move out....but I am also terrified to do that. He will make my life a living hell and try to intimidate me to no end if I make moves to leave. I'm very scared, not for my safety but for my well being. I make over twice what he makes so I am also very scared at what he would try to do to me financially...I'm literally scared motionless to be honest.
I have seen two IC's, I had to change once when I changed jobs to be more convenient to where I work. Honestly I don't find it very helpful because most people think it takes two to work on a M and they always just look at me like "well, this is no way to live...". Yes, I realize that, thank you. lol.
I feel pretty helpless to be honest. I feel scared, weak and alone and backed into a corner. I have no support network here whatsoever outside of H's family and I know I need to change that. But it's hard. I am depressed on the inside and to act anything other than that takes so much energy. You said it perfectly, this is a silent suffering. I don't even know what to say to explain my situation...I can't say my H has told me he wants a D....I can only say my H no longer wants a R with me. But he wants to stay in the same house for the sake of our children. Makes me seem like a pretty bad partner if my H wants nothing to do with me but makes him sound like a hero for putting his kids first. Great opener to make friends hey? I don't feel like anyone can understand what I'm going through, sometimes I'm not even sure the people here really understand and the ones that seemed to understand have left, saying pretty much what my sister said-until you decide to change it, nothing will change. I get that, but I'm too scared to change anything!!!! No one seems to understand how that feels. There is so much at stake. AND I never wanted a D, but now might be forced to take steps in that direction just to have some semblance of a normal life. My sister will not stay in the same house as H now and wants nothing to do with him, it's not appropriate to continue having conversations with my SIL about this because she is H's family, not mine and my best friend from my hometown is having her own issues with her blended family and hasn't been very talkative. She cannot understand either-she told me in every other area of my life I am smart and strong and independent and she says she can't understand why I let him do this to me. And many of the veterans here have said they can barely even read my situation much less help me. I just don't think I've ever felt more alone in my life. I'm so completely lost at where my responsibility begins and ends.

[bhappy2]

Read your entire sitch, unreal is the first word that comes into my mind. Your H is not a man!!! He has abused you, you know this. You allow this for the sake of your children. You are staying until S17 graduates?

What will the reason be after that date passes?

I cannot believe how much you communicate with him. You know you are not following the advice given to you from this site... right?

I have three sisters and I would never let one of their H treat them like this. I would pay for her to move out.

Time for more GAL activities, what happened to the gun range?
Your S17 is a runner, every weekend there are running events sign up for a 5K even if you have to walk the end of the race. You could also voluteer at these races hand out water do sign ups, its a great way to meet new people. Bring all the kids they will love it.

Much peace to you, I think I live somewhat near you so I know there are races close by.

[HelenaJ]

Thanks for taking the time to visit my thread and spending the time to read it. I do know that H has been abusive, but I've also felt like I mostly deserved it and he absolutely feels that I do. I truly have difficulty seeing where my responsibility begins and ends as I have made a major mistake in my M. I know I don't deserve to be punished for it for the rest of my life but I get confused as to how much is "enough". I just don't know what's normal, that's what it comes down to.

Yes, I had planned to wait to make any decisions until S17 graduates because there are so many big events this year...the kids know we go to H and I's hometown every summer and they have made friends there and come to love it...I kept procrastinating booking the trip but they need to see my Mother too. She's really getting up there in age and I have no idea how many more times she'll get to see my kids. So we have our summer vacation, D8 goes to summer camp for the first time, S17 turns 18, D15 turns sweet 16, and S17 graduates and goes off to college. We had been talking about Disneyworld before all this happened and the little's keep asking when we're going....I keep wondering if I should give them that memory as a family. That's a lot of milestone events in a family and I just want to be as present as possible. Once S17 has gone to college, we'll obviously know where he's going, how much it will be and I'll have his senior gift paid for which is $300/month until he graduates (money I would need if H and I separated).

I cannot believe how much you communicate with him. You know you are not following the advice given to you from this site... right?

I actually don't communicate with him anymore about anything besides the kids. Back in March we communicated a lot bc that's when he told me all these things...he was texting me relentlessly as he was out of the country. So we did talk a lot about the R and then he would text me randomly once he got home, mostly negative things but sometimes saying things like "I miss you in my life but understand your absence". I feel like everything he says and does is a manipulation. I stopped saying hello and goodbye, stopped telling him about my life, haven't called him in months, only text when absolutely necessary about the kids, I've found it very difficult to look at him or acknowledge him at all even when he's speaking to me but I've been working on that bc it's not a healthy thing for the kids to see. When I had surgery I asked his mother to take me, he said he felt like he should be there but he understood my decision. It's been over 1.5 months since we have talked about anything R wise and even before that it was him who initiated texts about it, not me. Kids have been all we talk about. Lately I have found that as I start to detach more (which is still sooooooooo far to go) that I am not as cold as I used to be and will acknowledge him more....tonight I told him I was keeping a migraine at bay and told him the details of how it came on this afternoon which is something I have not been doing...telling him personal things. Perhaps I need to stop that cold. Thoughts?

In relationship past, if H is upset with me, I have always been afraid to "escalate" things because he will always one up me. If I ignore him for an hour, he will ignore me for days and do whatever he can to make me feel left out. He's an extremely harsh person to be on bad terms with. However, I've just dropped the rope this time. At first of course when he told me he could no longer be a couple with me, I begged to work things out. But once he made himself clear, I stopped. I stopped communications, I gave him back my rings, I stopped inviting him to be a part of my life. Those are huge steps for me as I know there is no going back. I dove off a mini cliff and let myself fall and it was a really big deal. Of course he will never ever acknowledge my rings or the note that I wrote. It all still appears untouched. Head games from him. ALWAYS. But I did it and it's done and it was a stand I took for myself and my self respect.

Time for more GAL activities, what happened to the gun range?

Exactly, this is exactly what had me so caught up in your thread, the way you've been able to move on with your life. The gun range is July 21st, looking forward to it. I run most days, running a race is ok and you're right, there are tons around here. But that doesn't get me involved with other people really...I need to build a circle. Difficult to plan on doing things with just me and the kids...H will most always come. He is very keen on being a "family" and to him, that's what we're supposed to be doing...being a family for the sake of the kids. I can't really tell him he can't come ya know? I take opportunities to do things alone with the kids as they arise, but can't really plan it if that makes sense.

I love my kids more than anything in this world and I loved my family and I loved my H. Being forced to make these decisions and having to be the one to carry it through even though it's not what I want is like the worst torture. And he will torment me every.step.of.the.way.