V and Lonewlf, you both are right, i should just walk away. In my efforts of trying to 180 and validate I am slipping. And it is still so hard to believe this is the same guy i have been with and almost grown up with. Looking at his mood swings a friend of mine who knows my sitch thinks he is bi polar, he has claimed he is depressed but how can I get him any help if he is unwilling? The irony is his reason for D is that he feels I have subjugated him the last few years in the MR and this is how he has become? I know a few spouses are angry after BD and H is extreme, but what could contribute to his extreme anger, resentment and then a few days of subdued tolerance? At this point I am happy he is moving out and may be the best way for a R. But I am just worried about separating from kids, it is a bitter pill I have to swallow. V - you are right, this MR is over. I still do want to R, because when it was good we fit very well. I dont know what this phase is, but if he had a physical illness I would have stood by him, now I know he is unhealthy and will still stand by the MR, but keeping myself and kids safe is above all else. Nicole - his plans change every week, its a new thing every time so at this time i am just resigned to the sitch. My strength is being patient, keeping calm and protecting my children and caring for them every minute of the day. Thank you V, lonewlf and Nicole for your support.
Lovely lady it is for you to put your safety harness and air mask on and look after your kids.
If he has bi polar that takes a professional and it's dangerous untreated in so many ways.
The faster he falls the better and the less the damage. It is also more loving to let it happen, truly to stop enabling and controlling. Think of this as the most gentle loving thing you can do. Because it is. For him and for your kids.
It is safer for your kids for a decompensating parent to be at a distance. And loving for you. A gift.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Arsh, I know how you feel and how bad it [censored]. If you don't mind I'd like to share my input because I have recently been in your shoes. It was gut wrenching to see my girls cry and question their mom as to why she is leaving, it's something I'll never forget but there is good news. I wish my WW had left sooner. I am in such a better place, the tension is gone and I'm able to detach. I now see after 5 weeks living alone (for the first time in my life) that I will be better off in the end. My relationship with my Daughters is better than ever. They are more relaxed because I am which means they listen better and everyone is in a good mood. When my girls first see me after being with Mom for a few days, they jump onto my arms and give me a big hug. When WW picks them up, they don't hug and neither mom nor child seem excited to see each other. It is sad to see but it shows me what I'm doing is right. I'm not sure what it's like in your home currently but I bet it's similar to what I was dealing with and hope your sitch improves if your spouse does move out. I have had an awakening and realize my self worth. I, as well as you and many others here, deserve better...we deserve a spouse that wants to be with us. Period. If they don't, there will be someone else out there that does. Currently they are not a prize, especially if they are in an A being deceitful liars. My WW seems to be struggling now more than ever, she is still not happy. The problem she thought was me and moving out was supposed to fix that. But it didn't because the problem isn't the other spouse when it comes to a wayward...it is a problem from within them. FYI She too shows signs of bipolar and is depressed. At first I was very concerned but realized I can't control her or expect anything from her so she is on her own on this journey while I'm being the lighthouse back at home.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Looking at his mood swings a friend of mine who knows my sitch thinks he is bi polar, he has claimed he is depressed but how can I get him any help if he is unwilling?
You can't, so don't try. You are the LAST person he would listen to right now about something like this. Honestly probably 90% of the spouses of our LBS's here could benefit from some good counseling and perhaps even medical intervention. But by the time we end up here, our spouses are beyond listening to our medical and mental advice, LOL! So we work on ourselves and hope they work on themselves as well.
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The irony is his reason for D is that he feels I have subjugated him the last few years in the MR and this is how he has become?
Separation will help him realize that you are not the problem after all. Not right away, but eventually. That's why we're constantly saying around here that S isn't necessarily a bad thing. It helps the LBS detach and move on, and it removes the LBS from the WAS's "equation of what's wrong".
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I know a few spouses are angry after BD and H is extreme, but what could contribute to his extreme anger, resentment and then a few days of subdued tolerance?
Who knows, maybe he really is bipolar, or maybe he's going through MLC (which has characteristics similar to bipolar) or maybe he's just cranky. He probably doesn't know why he acts like that, so there's no chance that you'll ever know.
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I dont know what this phase is, but if he had a physical illness I would have stood by him, now I know he is unhealthy and will still stand by the MR, but keeping myself and kids safe is above all else.
Thank you V, Natash and AS, all your advice is spot on.
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It is also more loving to let it happen, truly to stop enabling and controlling. Think of this as the most gentle loving thing you can do. Because it is. For him and for your kids.
v, I will keep this in mind and tell myself this everytime I find a need to get him some help. Removing myself from the path of his wrath will bring peace and hopefully take MR to a better place
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I have had an awakening and realize my self worth. I, as well as you and many others here, deserve better...we deserve a spouse that wants to be with us
Natash, thank you I needed to hear that. Living all by myself for the first time ever in a country where I have no family is a fear but it is what will help us all heal including H. While I still hope for R, it has to be on better terms with things being way sorted out than the hot mess right now. AS, thank you for your input, H has said in past he might have a MLC or a quarter life C. But breaking up our house is not an answer for it nor can I make him see that. My focus should and is just my babies and their bright future.
Today I had to tell H that my mom was depressed and getting medical assistance. He insisted I call her here to help me once he moves out and I kept saying she is not in a condition to help and he wouldnt let go. He wants to get out washing his hands off of the responsibilities. I hadnt told him about my mom in the past because I did not want to make him guilty but today I did. I know making them guilty drives them further away, how much damage would this cause in my sitch?
I wouldn't worry about it, I doubt it caused much damage. I doubt it caused him to rethink his position either. Like you said, he's trying to get out with clean hands. He won't, but he wants to think he will.
You're at 10 pages, time for a new thread! Link this thread in your first post of the new one, and link the new one as your last post in this one.
Hi Arsh, I guess this thread is about to disappear but it seems often your husband is trying to intimidate you into complying with his demands by acting aggressive, using swear words, or threatening you. I think it's good you were honest about your mom and you can even tell him it's not his business how you'll manage once he's gone. It seems the most he thinks he can intimidate you the more he does it, but if you push back within safe limits (like you don't want him to go into a rage where he'll hurt someone or something) then hopefully he'll start to show more respect. It's hard because DB prescribes a certain set of actions but sometimes you also need to take individual circumstances into account, like if a 180 means you used to be controlling and now you're being complicit then it's great to do a 180, but if doing it means it's empowering your husband to act abusively then maybe it's not the best technique.
