Don't call him! If you have to arrange something for the kids, send a text.
Keep detaching! You need to focus on yourself. Do something nice for yourself, something out of the ordinary. Talk to a friend you havent spoken with in a while, watch a good movie, go shopping, whatever works for you.
Detach. Detach. Detach. (I say it as much for myself as for you.)
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I called him a number of times but he has turned his phone off so I am distracting myself and have stopped. He did say that he has come up with things for us to do together such as swimming and running as I suggested we spent more time together but have not met him. I am not sure if I am supposed to agree to seeing him when he suggests it or just keep detaching.
Why are you calling multiple times? Re-read Sandi's rules.
Do not suggest doing anything with him. If he suggests something and it fits your schedule and you can do it while being friendly but detached go ahead. If you feel like you cant handle it or are going to get emotional, stay away from him.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I am just feeling very upset after finding out he has been away for the weekend with OW and friends. In 16 years of being together I never went away with H and his friends all of whom are single with no children. I just feel as I have children including our children together I can not compete with the life of a singleton as I have commitments.
I am not sure if I am doing well or not. My H has agreed to delaying any divorce proceedings for 18 months. The only contact we have now is when he collects or drops off our son and I am missing him terribly. Rang him again which was a mistake so backed off. We have spoken about the children and ended up chatting for an hour this week but OW is still a fixture. He says he is still angry about things from the past so I am trying to leave him alone to process things but patience was never my strong point. He has said he still loves me and likes me as a person but can not see things changing.
sahm -H is giving you the gift of time. Time to work on yourself so that you can present yourself as the BEST you for any situation down the road. Weather it be with H or without H. This si something we all need to do. Reread Sandi's rules, print them out if need be and try to internalize them. It is a long hard journey with hard work we will reap the benefits
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Told H he could have the divorce but that he would never see or speak to me again if that was his decision. He called 2 days later and asked me to meet him for a drink. Met him and talked a lot and ended up being intimate. He has told OW but now says he thought he was definite in his mind that we were over and now he is confused but wants us to carry on meeting together as friends to keep talking. I am now very confused.
Told H he could have the divorce but that he would never see or speak to me again if that was his decision. He called 2 days later and asked me to meet him for a drink. Met him and talked a lot and ended up being intimate. He has told OW but now says he thought he was definite in his mind that we were over and now he is confused but wants us to carry on meeting together as friends to keep talking. I am now very confused.
Is this a pattern? You theaten, he calls, you meet, talk, and end up being intimate?
Quote:
How do you suggest I proceed? Agree to meet up when he suggests it or not?
You try to control him by threatening he'll never have contact with you again...........but you know, having 2 kids will keep you connected to some degree. You are really wanting him to show he loves you more then OW. You really don't want a D. So, you threaten, he calls, you meet, and end up having sex........and he goes back to OW.
If he has commitment issues (and sounds as if he has fidelity issues, as well), he is going to repeat this same pattern over & over........as long as he can calm you down and have sex, while he keeps the OW, too........nothing will progress successfully for your MR.
My advice is to set a child visitation schedule, and he has to take the kids on his visitation days. He can't hang out at your house. You have absolutely no contact with him, except for urgent business or child related.
Do NOT meet him for drinks or to talk. And do NOT have sex with him. You put yourself at risk, knowing he is sleeping with OW. As long as your wayward H has the best of both worlds, he is not going to change. Stop trying to control his decisions. The only person you can control is YOU. No more threats. No more meetings. No more talks. No more sex. You are his wife, not a side dish. He is disrespecting you and the M at the highest level.
If you really let him go, and he has to live with the reality of losing you and the home/family you had as a M couple.........maybe he will decide what he wants. However, before you take him back again, I think you should insist on him getting professional therapy and both of you attend MC. Until then, he doesn't get to play with you.
In the meantime, you need to do whatever is necessary to build a healthy self esteem. Seek IC, read self-help books, watch motivational You Tube, etc. Conduct yourself with grace and dignity.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
