I guess no one really knows the future. No matter what happens, every one here is rooting for you. You are strong enough to handle anything and smart enough to prepare for different outcomes. Time will reveal a lot. I hope you guys can invest in some really good counselling in the future.
Honestly I am all counseled out. I've been to 2 IC and part of the problem is, I am trained in all of the techniques. I am more of a solution focused based person and there is a lot of emotion focused therapy that starts to turn into so much navel gazing. So I start to feel like it's money and time wasted. The best counseling I received in all this was the DBing and I can always buy some more sessions for touch ups if necessary.
WH wants to go to IC and I've left him to his own devices. I personally have reached a point where I am largely healed from all of this madness and want to just continue moving forward. I told WH if I have any questions or reservations about behaviors that I find worrisome it will be addressed immediately. No longer will I simply put them in the background until the "right time" comes along to address them. No longer will I tolerate poor boundaries or disrespect.
He has provided complete and utter transparency. Paradoxically I don't feel the need to snoop anymore. His behavior is a very indication of where his head is at. If I start to feel anxious and like I need to spy on him then there's my answer, this will not work. The D is literally frozen right now and we have until October to decide which way to go with this. My lawyer assures me if I decide the D was the right decision then we can move forward it be completed in mere weeks. WH has turned in his financial affidavit and everything is done on his end. It really is up to me.
So I am letting time and his actions show me if he's worth reconciling with. I feel completely relaxed. I don't have nightmares anymore, I don't fret if he's a bit late coming home (though he texts and calls me constantly to alert me if work ran late.) When they tell you that you must be willing to lose the marriage to save it, that was serious. It's weird because I feel like that marriage IS dead. That this is something different. Not better necessarily but very different. It's like when you're dating and finding out if this person is a "keeper." I don't have any expectations so I am at peace.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I pray he gets the help he needs. Honestly Sara, I have never seen a walkaway cheating spouse who has been kind of cruel to get so many chances. I pray he finds his way and his cycle does not repeat. He really has no idea how fortunate he is.
Sara, I am so glad you came back and updated! You are a strong woman and I know you will fine with or without this M! I think that piece is also key for the R to ever be successful. It took me some time after my H came back to realize that, and I think that component (breaking the codependency) is how we begin to create and new R with someone. Gotta run. Please keep posting!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Things are continuing to proceed smoothly. WH and I are both a bit overworked (I am moving to another job that lets me work 7 on 7 off for even more pay, yay!) so we mostly just collapse on the couch in the evenings. WH has started to take the advice of my DBing coach and has started spending more time with male friends. Our neighbor is a retired marine and they both have a love of bikes. They go out riding together sometimes and basically just talk guy stuff. WH has bloomed with this healthy relationship. I notice he doesn't try to be the "nice guy" to his coworkers (particularly to females) and overall his confidence has grown in a healthy manner.
Unfortunately because of our work hours we haven't got to spend a lot of time just one-on-one. This week WH wants to sit down with me so we can carve out some time to re-establish intimacy. He knows my LL is Quality Time and he wants to make sure I am getting my emotional needs met. He scheduled himself for a lot of extra shifts to pay off our taxes but as of September he's cutting back to his regular hours. We did manage to have a good amount of family time last weekend. We swam in our pool, ate good food and did some online shopping. WH noticed I was oogling some Louboutins and he surprised me by buying them. I've never owned shoes so expensive so I am almost too intimated to wear them out, lol!
Things aren't perfect but they are good. We still argue over little stuff (chores, kid time, finances) but our method of disagreement has changed dynamics. WH is not defensive and even sometimes shows more patience than I do. He is respectful to me and when I start to shut down he reaches out to make sure he is doing whatever necessary to meet me where I am at. I think when/if I can lower my walls we may reach piecing in the future.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/13/1801:17 PM.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hi Sara, I have been reading your threads thoroughly for the last 2 weeks. I find some similarities in our sitches, our post partum coping with BD, pressures of working hectic full time jobs, single parenting small children and what I love about you is your inner strength. I am right now emotionally where you were about 2 years ago, but I relate to that woman, that supermom who puts her children first and that LBW who wants to give it what it takes to make it work. I read your thread today and I see the real ‘letting go’ evolution, if you go back to your sitch in sep 2016, you were trying to let go, to be detached but now the real detachment comes through. When you have time if you can go thru my threads and give me input I will be thankful I respect the person you are, your grit, your determination, your resilience. To put her children’s needs before her is a great mother and you are one I know life has dealt you harsher blows than anybody should have to endure but well like you have said yourself you are a diamond now. Hugs to the kiddos and you. Hope your WH someday raises himself to your level - arshi
PsySara, that all sounds good. Congratulations on the new job! It's also good to hear the realism in your update about the small arguments and challenges of being busy but still being responsive to each other and understanding each other's needs. It seems like life together doesn't need to be perfect in order to continue reconciling. If you can sustain a functional life together where you enjoy being together most of the time and both contribute in ways that make the other happy then that would be wonderful.
Just out of curiosity, were you ever able to understand any of the psychology behind your husband shutting down and being so hostile previously? Did he seem to reveal anything he learned about himself when he was begging for you back?
So glad to hear there are more positives overall. I admire your tenacity and perseverance. I continue to pray for you that things come to an acceptable level for you and your family.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/13/1801:16 PM.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
