Do what you can. Don't want a heat stroke! Breaking the miles up during the day is fine. There was an older lady in my neighborhood who was very overweight. At first, she could only walk to the end of her street and back. Finally one day she made it around the block. Eventually, she was walking several miles a day. The weight came off, and I noticed she was much younger than I had originally thought. . She was an inspiration to others, and I noticed other neighbors started walking around the block several times, too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't push myself super hard with the exercise, and I try to go in the mornings or evenings when it's not quite so hot. I'm getting better stamina though, so I can tell that things are changing in the physical department.
I did finally get a response about our S this morning. It said "Yes".
I get the feeling though that none of this is actually working. I'm going to keep going with it.
I believe that one reason this matters so much to me is that I never had a functional family growing up. I don't really know anyone that did. I wanted better for my S than that. I wanted to be with someone that cared for me. I had that, now it's changed, and it's really painful. (Just a bit of background information. I'm still trying to do DB, but it really is the hardest thing I've ever done, especially since I can't tell if it's working or not. I feel like I'm flying blind.)
"I get the feeling though that none of this is actually working. I'm going to keep going with it."
We all go through that. When I started to detach my W loved it at first. I wasn't pestering her for R talks. I wasn't pursuing or pressuring. But a couple of weeks in a weird thing happened. I went into the bedroom one night I was home to read. About an hour went by and she came down the hall, looked into the bedroom. We made eye contact and she said "I just wondered where you were." That hadn't happened in MONTHS. I could have been laying dead under the refrigerator and she wouldn't have come looking for me. Detaching's #1 power is the lack of pursuit and pressure from you on her. After a while she wonders what happened.
The next thing that started happening is she started asking "what's wrong?" This is a classic sign of a WAW/WW noticing the lack of pursuit and pressure. It is also when they start realizing that their control over you is slipping away. This is when they will start acting out to try to regain control.
DBing isn't about feeling like it is working. It is about consistent behavior on your part and letting the process work over time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It sounds like it would be easier if she still lived with me. Heh.
So, just now, W decided to reschedule our S psychology appointment...again...and she's refusing to tell me when it is.
Spoiler alert: I already know when it is. It was supposed to be Monday, and I DID inform her after his last visit when it was going to be...but now she's moved it out 9 days, and very early in the morning (it's a 1.5 hour drive without traffic, and traffic is going to be a total nightmare). She's trying to make this inconvenient I believe.
bm, opinions vary. Those of us that continued to live with our WWs/WAWs would argue that there are aspects that make it more difficult. Then there are those that are physically separated and they claim there are aspects that would be easier being under the same roof.
The point is that DBing works in both cases. In some ways it is easier being separated, in some ways it is not. But that doesn't change the activity: detach, 180s, GAL, being as awesome as you can be.
On the appointment, just be there. When she gets there and you are there, she can choose to leave. But you should be there. Doctor's orders are more important than WWs wishes.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
On the appointment, just be there. When she gets there and you are there, she can choose to leave. But you should be there. Doctor's orders are more important than WWs wishes.
Agreed. Too bad she doesn't understand that concept.
Is it normal for a WW to literally go out of their way to make things difficult for the LBH?
I know she's only really thinking of herself right now, but this is really stupid behavior.
On the appointment, just be there. When she gets there and you are there, she can choose to leave. But you should be there. Doctor's orders are more important than WWs wishes.
Agreed. Too bad she doesn't understand that concept.
Is it normal for a WW to literally go out of their way to make things difficult for the LBH?
I know she's only really thinking of herself right now, but this is really stupid behavior.
blackmac you need to start reading other posters' sitches. Read mtb's thread. You think your WW is going out of her way to make things difficult, read what his WW is pulling on him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Is it normal for a WW to literally go out of their way to make things difficult for the LBH?
Yes. It is almost as if they get off on it. About 2 weeks ago, my WW called me asking for birth certificates of the kids that she had gotten copies of a few months ago. She needed them immediately. I could not find them right away and she lost it. Cursing at me and threatening to call the police. I finally just had to end the conversation because shI was being so hostile. I ended up finding them a couple hours later and sent her a text informing her that I stuck them in the mailbox and she could pick them up anytime. Then she immediately called me to thank me and then switched right into accusation mode saying that she heard I hooked up with another woman. I just ended the conversation and reminded her the birth certificates were in the mailbox.... they sat in there for 3 or 4 days before I brought them back inside. They are still sitting on the kitchen counter as we speak. She never brought it up again. Real important, right? More like she just wanted me to jump through some hoops and be a pain in my ass...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Wow, that's just nuts. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.
Messing with me is one thing. But since she's the one that decided to start taking him to a psychologist (who confirmed he has ADHD...just like me...which is why W left presumably), and getting mad at me for trying to follow the doctor's request, and moving his appointments around and not telling me when they are (I have to call the office and find out myself) is literally her messing with S. And that doesn't work for me.
I'm VERY tempted to find an attorney and fight for custody. On the other hand...the more patience I have, the easier it's going to be to make that case if she chooses to continue pursuing the D.
I'm very torn right now. I plan to stay the course and continue DB, but it definitely seems like she thinks she's getting her way, and she's angry at me for being in her way. And I'm not even trying to be.
But everything she does gets written down in a notebook for future reference.
I'm VERY tempted to find an attorney and fight for custody. On the other hand...the more patience I have, the easier it's going to be to make that case if she chooses to continue pursuing the D.
I'm very torn right now. I plan to stay the course and continue DB, but it definitely seems like she thinks she's getting her way, and she's angry at me for being in her way. And I'm not even trying to be.
Do you see getting a lawyer and seeking custody a contradictive move from DBing? I honestly wonder sometimes if people think DBing is acting like a doormat.
WW's blame everything on the LBH. Do you hear what I am saying? Yes, she is very angry at you, b/c she sees you as her main enemy. She is going to fight you tooth & nail on everything, even at the risk of her child. Please digest what I've said. She does not think rationally. It's not just with you......but everything. She'll blame you for the fact her child has ADHD (which can be inherited). Let's hope & pray she doesn't take that anger out on him.....b/c she thinks he's just like you!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. She was an inspiration to others, and I noticed other neighbors started walking around the block several times, too.