Re: Advice on My Scenario Pt. 14 - Phoenix Rising

[Ginger1]

I am confused, does she work? Or does she stay at home? Why is she pushing off on other people and you aren't?

And why are paying tuition on an alternating weekly basis? Never heard of it being done this way. It is typically paid by month, doesn't matter whose "week" it is, and it is paid according to a formula like child support is. For instance, since lucky me made more money, I paid 57% and he paid 47%.

I really advise you to get this all hammered out with a lawyer under mediation. You guys need something solid that doesn't require much communication or hammering out between the both of you, because you are in still such an angry place to that.

You rarely make a post that doesn't assume something awful about your W or mind read her intentions. As a practice, just to be a little more peaceful in your mind, I would try to cut that down a bit. I understand she is this horrible awful woman with tons of bad intentions, but it just breeds the bitterness when you keep rehashing it all.

[SteveLW]

And why are paying tuition on an alternating weekly basis? Never heard of it being done this way. It is typically paid by month, doesn't matter whose "week" it is, and it is paid according to a formula like child support is. For instance, since lucky me made more money, I paid 57% and he paid 47%.

I assume you meant he paid 43%.

[OrangeK]

I am confused, does she work? Or does she stay at home? Why is she pushing off on other people and you aren't?

She works, has 2 days off a week. Why is she pushing it off on other people? beats me.

And why are paying tuition on an alternating weekly basis? Never heard of it being done this way. It is typically paid by month,

My daycare does it weekly, however i asked the director of the daycare if she has ANY separated/divorced couples that alternate each week like we do and she said "No, Never"
Its just how things got set up when WW left, as she had always paid daycare while we lived together, i paid rent and utilities, she paid daycare, diapers and groceries.

doesn't matter whose "week" it is, and it is paid according to a formula like child support is. For instance, since lucky me made more money, I paid 57% and he paid 47%.

I had filed a "Motion to clarify" with the Court last week. i should be hearing from the judge on it any day. I asked If i am responsible for both Daycare and Child Support?? There is a "Deviation" mentioned in the papers that i believe states i do not pay daycare anymore, but ill need it in writing from the court to prove this to WW.

I really advise you to get this all hammered out with a lawyer under mediation. You guys need something solid that doesn't require much communication or hammering out between the both of you, because you are in still such an angry place to that.

I agree 100%, one of the many questions i have for him. Meeting coming up June 21st.

You rarely make a post that doesn't assume something awful about your W or mind read her intentions. As a practice, just to be a little more peaceful in your mind, I would try to cut that down a bit. I understand she is this horrible awful woman with tons of bad intentions, but it just breeds the bitterness when you keep rehashing it all.

Sage advice ginger. I will work on that. I actually went and took "because she is Lazy and Selfish" off of my reply to the first question you asked on this post.

It is hard not to be bitter, and even harder not to spew all of the facts of the horrid things she has done to her, but she would deny them anyway. Its fruitless, no profit to be had. i have been trying to work towards a "Detached Apathy" but its still quite hard to be calm about whats been done to me. Its gotten easier, esp. in the last 2 weeks or so.
Last night i was a bit seething, a slow-low burn, not a rage, but i managed it well. When i get to that place now i take 15 min, do a set of my "Personalized Ti Chi", sit down in a meditative position, and envision breathing in clean, cold mountain air, and breathing out think, black, oily smoke. Cleansing myself of the Hate, Fear, Anger and Rage that this has brought up in me in the past. Then if i am feeling particularly angry still, i will hit the heavy bag or do push-ups/Shadow Boxing, and repeat the meditative excersize.

I want to be the best Dad and Co-Parent i can be. I want to be calm, unable to be coaxed into a reaction, and detached, to the point that when she tries to stoke my rage, all i produce is a sigh of resignation at best.
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My boss was being a jerk today, and I in the past have lost my composure at work. Today, i took 3 deep breaths, and moved on with my day.

[mtb1981]

Sounds like you're dong pretty good, Orange. I'm glad you set up a meeting with a L. I think you will be glad you did after you speak with them...

[OrangeK]

You rarely make a post that doesn't assume something awful about your W or mind read her intentions. As a practice, just to be a little more peaceful in your mind, I would try to cut that down a bit. I understand she is this horrible awful woman with tons of bad intentions, but it just breeds the bitterness when you keep rehashing it all.

Afterthought.
Its just tough to reach a point of apathy when this person is continually trying to spike my wheel as well.
I just gotta be the bigger person, and hopefully the excitement/enjoyment of harassing me will abate.

[OrangeK]

Sounds like you're dong pretty good, Orange. I'm glad you set up a meeting with a L. I think you will be glad you did after you speak with them...

Thanks Man, Honestly reading your sitch has helped a lot. I saw a lot of things you were handling far better than me, in a much more volatile sitch. Your temperament, or lack-thereof is damn impressive MTB. Change your online handle to ZenMaster


Im looking forward to the L meeting, the guy is a straight shooter, 20 years as a cop, 13 as a prosecutor. Hes got the Chops. Also gives a discount to Police/FIRE/EMS, so that helps the wallet.
I have lots of questions for him, hoping i sleep soundly next Thursday as my mind will hopeful have been put at ease about many things

[OrangeK]

WW got back to me with some suggestions on how to handle the 2 weeks of non payment as well as who will watch him while his school is closed.
They were all reasonable options, but i did notice none of them were anything resembling the options i put on the table. She seems to have to disagree with me on anything, but as she presented amicable options i just agreed and asaid "Sounds good, well figure out the details soon" and left it at that.

I am experiencing a bit of anger today, again, not as crippling as before. A slow burn.
Still struggling with the knowledge that ill never get answers, apologies, or justifications.
Still just burnt about how you can plan a life, claim love, and then throw it all away in a heartbeat, all while blaming me 100% and taking no responsibility for herself.
I know that is a struggle i will have to deal with forever, so i best just get used to it.

[sandi2]

They were all reasonable options, but i did notice none of them were anything resembling the options i put on the table. She seems to have to disagree with me on anything, but as she presented amicable options i just agreed and asaid "Sounds good, well figure out the details soon" and left it at that.

I see that as progress on your end. Good job!

Still struggling with the knowledge that ill never get answers, apologies, or justifications.

Few LBH's ever get these from their WW.

Have you considered counseling, to help you deal with these feelings? I'm not trying to sound flippant, b/c I sincerely want you to find a healthy means of coping.

[OrangeK]

I see that as progress on your end. Good job!

Thanks, it feels like progress.

Few LBH's ever get these from their WW.

Have you considered counseling, to help you deal with these feelings? I'm not trying to sound flippant, b/c I sincerely want you to find a healthy means of coping.

I know. For whatever reason not knowing is my biggest hang up. It plain Su*ks to be lied to so deeply and so extensively by someone i thought would never ever hurt me, and yet she hurt me more than anyone ever has or will. I don't pine for the return of the R anymore, i know that's never gonna happen and if it did it would just be more lies and abuse. Its just the degree and scale of the lies and deception that eat me up, plus her total disregard for the impact all of this would have on S3.

I increasingly believe that WW really is a textbook Cluster B Personality Disorder, which at the end of the day is sad because if its really true she will be stuck in this cycle forever, that she has already repeated time and time again, I was just the biggest Nuke she ever dropped to date.

MIL said months ago "She really needs to excel at this new job, so she doesnt get into another rut like this!!" She was yelling at me at the time, so i know it was a knee jerk reaction. This sentence combined with WW's "When I was single, in between you and EX, it was the darkest time in my life" have been the 2 key things to show how delusional her patterns are. They both (MIL and WW) see that there is a pattern there, but will not peel it all the way open to really try and fix it.
MIL is an enabler, with WW as her only child, she has constantly sheltered, rescued (when she Nukes her life) and coddled WW, and FIL isnt any better, he does the same thing, although i think for much different, much darker reasons.

Her whole situation is a god-damn tragedy, not even including my role in her life. It really honestly is so sad. I wish there was SOMETHING i could do.

To know that the person I thought i loved is such a sick, damaged, helpless and self destructive entity is so damn heartbreaking. My empathetic nature still wants to help her, see her become healthy and happy, but if she really is afflicted with a Strong Personality Disorder than there isnt much hope of that ever happening, and God knows I cannot prompt it into action.
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I have Seen 2 IC's,Stopped seeing the 2nd one just last week. I saw no progress with either, like none. I was making better progress on my own and through DB site. It was just turning into a money hole, which i cannot afford. I plan on seeking another out once i am moved into my brothers house and saving $$.
I honestly feel like the coping methods i have adopted myself are working better than anything the IC's had me doing.
I basically made my own version of Eastern style cleansing meditations, Ti Chi and my exercise routine.

Those things have helped me more than anything, and its show most with my time with S3. I am much more patient with him, and it shows in his reflected behavior.

[SteveLW]

OK, we've had this discussion before, but ICs are like underwear, you have to find one that fits just right. While I am disappointed that the 2nd one didn't work out, I am hoping you follow through on trying again once your money sitch improves.

I will caution you. ICs, the good ones, will tell you things that are difficult to hear. You have shown a penchant, in the past, to react poorly to that. I hope you are not firing them for shooting straight with you. An IC that just tells you what you want to hear is NOT a good IC.

That's all I'll say about that.