Is my W suffering from a MLC

[Gordie]

Keep working on moving expectations to zero

She does not want to be w and mother right now

So if son has a baseball game do not expect her

If she shows up you can be pleasantly surprised

The purpose of this is to protect you

Expectations that are not met will cause you anxiety and resentment

No expectations will help you detach and remove all pressure on her

Remember your expectations even if unsaid are pressure to her

Pressure to act like a w and mother

Which will only cause her to flee further

Sleeping all day and night are classic depression behaviors

Hugs to you

You are in the thick of it

It will get better one way or the other

[shepard]

Hello Gordie, thank you for the input. I am working on it, though i admit this is so very hard. I know it will get easier once i am gone, i hope at least. I can't help but wonder what she'll be doing once the kids and i are not around. She says she just wants to be alone, and do stuff with her parents occasionally, take some time to herself. I have a feeling that is the exact opposite of what she wants to do. Wish i could just say i am being paranoid. I am trying to detach, i truly am. I knew she was depressed, i have rarely seen her like this, outside of the last 2 months.

Seems like she gets super depressed and then picks up. She spent all Saturday in bed, then Sunday, seemed the exact opposite. She laid in bed with me and talked to me until 11 pm. No R or future talk, just about work, the kids, are sons baseball. Was so weird how she acted. Friendly and almost inviting, just not to inviting. This all just seems like some weird mind game sometimes.

Thank you Gordie for the advice, i am trying my best to turn everyone's advice into action. I appreciate it very much.

[shepard]

People can sure be amazing. How can someone you've loved and known for over 22 years continually lie straight to your face as if you were some moron! I really don't understand the point of lying at this point? Why not just come clean. Why continue to blacken your own soul over lies?! I am truly stunned. I just can't wrap my mind around the continual lies? "Believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do" So sad to see what she has become!

[DnJ]

In her mind, she is not lying. Sometimes there are outright lies, but I think most of the time they actually are telling their truth, their reality as they see it.

To you, her lies are obvious but you are the rational and sane one.

[shepard]

I am trying to understand her rationale. She says "IF" she divorces me, she would prefer i not date anyone else and especially not have sex with any other women? She says she doesn't plan on doing anything but seeing the kids when she can and take time to herself and heal. She says she doesn't plan on seeing anyone and definitely doesn't want to have sex with anyone else! She told me her......female reproductive organs, will always be mine and will never be given to anyone else. Wants to believe we will rekindle our R and M later on in life???

WHAT THE H@LL IS GOING ON HERE?

This almost seems like some stupid joke! Does this sound like someone in a MLC?? I know she still speaks to OM, though not nearly as much as they were. She continues to lie about talking to him though which at this point makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!! Can anyone say they have ever heard someone talk like this on here?

I read an article about "High Energy Replayers" and Low Energy Wallowers". High energy more likely to have PA's while low energy usually have EA and in-fatuation.

Either way, this stuff is stating to irritate me to no end. I love her and want to give her time, but my lord, what the hell is really going on here. Anyone got any advice on how to handle this?

Thank you.

[Pax_luv]

Sorry for the situation you are in Shepard. Your w is giving you lines straight from the MLC playbook.

I hope I'm wrong, but the whole thing about you not being with anyone else is because she wants to keep you on the hook while she goes off and does whatever (and sadly, whomever).

Continue to follow the advise of the wise men that have contributed.zero expectations, detach, Gal. It's your key to survival.

[DnJ]

Hello Shepard. I get the need to understand at least somewhat, before you can continue to walk your path.

Please be careful. It is fine to want to understand and the MLC process, signs, behaviours, and so on. However, trying to understand her rationale will drive you bonkers.

It is like when you first tried to understand algebra. You looked at it and said what the blank is this. This is kind of the same. You then had to change the way you thought about math and numbers to understand algebra. You really do not want to change the way you think the match her warped view. To be able to understand her rationale you would need to think like her - to be in MLC.

Like others have said she is following right out of the MLC playbook. This is terribly difficult to get through. As the LBS you need to care for yourself and your kids. You need to focus on you and detach - you absolutely need to do this.

I know what it feels like and I feel for you. You can and will get through this. Keep working on you and trying to let go of her and the pain. Keep posting and asking questions we are here for you.

[SBJ]

Shep, most of us here have dealt with batchitcrazy things that have come out of our MLCers mouths. I can only agree to what was said about the need to detach and GAL activities. These aren't done to forget about how much you love your spouse. They are done so that you are shielded for what is about to come and trust me when I say it gets more and more crazy.

Prayer, GAL, Detach, shield your kids from the crazy and be the best dad you can.

[FaceMan]

Shep - I fully understand what you are going through and the emotional pain its causing you. I read your posts with interest and can perfectly relate to your situation.

My wife slowly started withdrawing from our marriage within months of her 40th birthday. She claimed she was no longer in love and the disconnection for her had been there for some time; She continues to rewrite our history, concentrating on her perception of the bad; never the good. I later found out she had been having a EA/PA with a colleague for four months. It hurts like crazy. I thought we had a strong marriage and an even stronger bond. I was wrong.

Fast forward eighteen months and she is withdrawn on every level; to some extent with the kids as well. She doesn't want to be around me and doesn't want to spend any time with me; she appears permanently miserable and talks about separation, but does nothing about it, that I know of so far. She frequently lies about things, which doesn't build any trust.

I'm almost certain its a midlife crisis, brought on by the death of her father, a troubled childhood, serious injury, health issues and a lack of fulfilment now the kids are young adults. She has thrown herself into her career and often disappears for days to her mothers house, without hearing from her. She claims her feelings are not coming back and I should find somebody else.

I have known my wife for 23yrs; An alien has taken over my wife. This isn't the woman I married and she is not herself. I love her to bits and I'm not leaving. That is a conscious decision I have made. I will not be forced out of my own home; I have invited her to leave to find her happiness and she has refused and got upset over it. Confusion reigns !

Shep - what can I do about it? I firmly believe from everything I have read, I can do absolutely nothing about it. It is her crisis and her crisis alone to solve. Knowing my wife, she will be happy not dealing with the issues as that is the easiest way.

I can do a lot for myself and my kids. I can be the stable one. The one the kids can rely on. I can get a life outside of what little of the relationship is left; I can give her the time and space to figure it out; I no longer pursue; I don't call her, text her, initiate conversation; I avoid any form of conflict; I stay out of her way and keep a low profile. I am taking the pressure off and providing a calm environment for the kids. Eventually she will realise I am not the source of her unhappiness. I no longer talk relationship as she doesn't know the answers herself. She is lost, confused, emotional and battling an inner turmoil she will not confront; to the outside world and her friends, she is a beacon of light; a bright bubbly happy go lucky woman who has everything.

Its the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with and its tough, very tough and I fully understand and relate to your situation. Hang in there.

[Gordie]

Agree with all the other comments

Remember one of the simpler guidelines here is not to listen to their words and only half of their actions

Sadly many of us have heard the exact same things which is troubling but there are also moments I can now see the black comedy that it is

So an addition piece of advice that I got here and from my d b coach during this phase in addition tondetach and g a l is to be more mysterious

I found this advice hard to follow and understand

You sound like a rational guy

You probably have a regular job and a regular schedule and a regular wardrobe and drive a regular car and a regular social life which in my book sounds great

But sometimes the w just sees this as boring and predictable and that you will always be there as plan b and of course you would not date anyone or share your private parts with them

So being mysterious is about communicating through actions and not words thst there is more to you than what she perceives

Go out and do not tell her when and where or with whom

Do some overnight trips or weekend get always without her

I am not suggesting that you start dating or sleeping around

But when I started doing this here is what happened

W started becoming a lot more curious about boring and predictable Gordie

Where are you going and with whom

Where did you sleep last night

Well if she did not want me as a H it was none of her business anymore

This drive her crazy despite the fact that she herself was going out all the time

This also curtailed her social life because I was no longer the live in babysitter who was dependable

I was the single guy with a very unpredictable schedule and mysterious social life

Hope that makes sense