We've been talking on a couple other people here's threads about attraction and not giving too much too fast, scaring away, etc. It is a very interesting topic to me and I think there is a lot to it. Well, last night I experienced a little case study myself with it. It very well might say a lot more about me personally than anything, but I'm hoping others get something from it like I did.
As those following along with me and Wild Girl, I have been surprised at how well things have gone, how well we get along and my attraction to someone who in at least some ways is not my type. Still, I am who I am and even though I'm still comfortable and really enjoying the time we've spent and interaction that has continued - much to my surprise - that dynamic could easily change - and sort of almost did:
We obviously had a really great Sunday and Monday together. A 30 hour date for me is kinda off the charts this early on. Yet, I was perfectly comfortable with it all. We ended up on the phone until nearly 2:30 AM Tuesday night - something again, I rarely do. Not planned it was totally an OMG do you have any idea what time it is? We were both shocked and quickly ended so we could sleep. I didn't reach out during the day but she did in the early evening. All was normal as she started telling me about her day on text. This is where things went a bit south as they can on text.
She started by saying how the girls at work finally confronted her saying, "something had to have happened this weekend as you have been 'glowing' for two days now." I was fine with this but it was sort of warning #1. She then tells me how she has started to get her hair lightened. She knows my typical type is tall blondes - her being a 5' 2" with dark colored hair. #2. She swore she had this appointment weeks ago and it had nothing to do with me. We talked a little bit about how time just flies by when we are together or interacting. She said it was scary, which I questioned about lightly. Her response was to send me a link to the country song "Get to You" For those not familiar, it's about a girl that runs away anytime she feels something due to being hurt in the past. All of the comments to the YouTube video said as much "This is totally me, I always do this." and "I always push guys I like away," etc. Warning #3. At this point, I'm like Fukk!!!! Not already. This was going so well. But I was quickly becoming turned off, thinking of this shy, hurt girl who is scared and ready to run, or create conflict to push someone away, etc. Just not attractive. Plus I'm thinking she is getting too into me too fast here. It really was such a turn off. Now, I too was over-thinking as I often do, but was already running through in my head, well, this was fun while it lasted I guess but I don't do clingy, emotional, crazy, desperate women. Just not me.
Thankfully, I said, you know what, you need to call me because I think I'm getting confused here. She did a little later and the vibe and dynamic was a 180. She was back to her normal self. Now I still think deep down she is more into me than she admits but she is playing it very, very well. Perhaps playing me very, very well? Who knows. But my attraction was back immediately. No more pressure, no thinking she's scared and needing to run. No thinking she's going to want more from me than I'm ready to give.
I just found this extremely interesting and a case study in what we've been talking about. The more she might have pushed, whether my perception or actual reality, the less interested I was. As soon as that pressure was gone the attraction was back. I have no doubt it's the same for her. I'm nearly positive she's more into me because she can't see me, likely, for another 10 days as I'm busy all weekend and so is she.
Take from it what you will. I just think there is a lesson here.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DH - Maybe she was testing you to see if you would take the bait and turn into this guy that was going to spill his emotions out all over her, start pursuing and blowing up her phone.
I really don't. I thought it was mostly a misunderstanding. I think this because we were then on the phone for a long time and I didn't get any sense of what I did earlier on text.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
So you are more attracted to her when she is light, not overly interested and a bit detached. When she gets too deep and honest or seems to like you or indicate a future together you lose attraction
Yes and No. So, yes, I am more attracted when light and a bit detached, but no, it wasn't her liking me and indicating a future as I've already been getting that vibe, even though she's trying to hide it and play it cool. It was the perceived very quick shift or break from light and detached to what I thought was "I'm getting scared, I like you too much and feel like running." that had me losing interest. I've had that happen and just had a friend of mine's GF tell me that if this was her BFF (who I think they sort of have been trying to set me up with) this girl would be ready to move in after a 30 hour date like we had. Others, including here, have said "do you really think she's not going get attached?" It was this but in a crazy, not healthy way. I thought, OMG, do I need to talk her down and reassure her already? I thought she was to the point she just can't hide it anymore and it was going to come flooding in.
We've talked about the near-term future with her often being coy about it. I'll just naturally say "the next time I see you blah blah blah" and she will respond "Oh, so you think we're going out again huh?" I know she's playing but I like it. In this case, it felt, needy and clingy and a little crazy. I'm sure it was more inside my head but I kept asking (through text) for clarification but it never came.
As I said, this is as much about me than anything, but as you said and complained, it's just natural for most guys. Now If I'm still feeling this same way in 6 months or a year (if it even gets to that point) that is waaaaaaay different than 3 weeks in. If it was purely just a hook up or friends with benefits I would not care nearly as much. But since I've found out much more about her and see we are more compatible than I first assumed, it was more concerning. I'm not full in by any-means, but I'm not close to done seeing where this goes yet either. And not at all done having fun. It's rare for me to be both having this much fun and also this much at ease at the same time. Time has just flown when we talk or do something and I have not at all felt uncomfortable or pressured. Contrast that with an afternoon date I did a few months ago where after two hours I was ready for her to go.
I relayed this story because it made such an impression on me and also is a great learning lesson. If and I really do mean IF, we get to a more serious point, it will be largely because she's not smothering me or wanting too much too fast. She really has a good part in controlling if I want to see her again and for how long that keeps happening - at least in the early going. Doing what she is doing totally has my interest with nearly zero pressure. I think both men and women can learn from this.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Cool! I hope you enjoy it. I've got a busy run here with a concert in the park last night, a lounge tonight, wedding on Saturday (playing for it not attending) and playing a birthday party Sunday afternoon. That after having last weekend off.
I'm actually kinda glad as it will force a slow down with wild girl, although she's got plans much of the weekend as well. Speaking of, guess who's parents showed up at the concert in the park last night? Now, they may have been planning on going anyhow but this is our second year in a row doing this place and I don't recall them being there last year. Her mom must have given me a half dozen hugs. During intermission I of course went out and talked with them and said something like it was nice to see them and mom says without missing a beat "We came to see you," yeah and grill me for info, no doubt. LOL They of course did bring up the fact that I've seen their daughter several times since I last saw them. Clearly this is way better than them being unsure and warning Wild Girl "You better watch out, we see him with a different girl at every gig" or saying they don't like me LOL.
Our busy schedules will also help to keep us off the phone. It is surprising how fast time flies. Three nights in a row now. Last night I'm like, I really need to get to bed earlier tonight and all of a sudden it's two hours later.
The talk about Wild Girl dating someone new at her work has continued as well I guess. She's told me several times already how I'm outside her normal box - including the age difference, which is obviously still bothering her. I almost wonder if that's keeping her from being more in (and smothering and pressure-inducing) than she is. I'm still comfortable but she admitted she talked about this with one of her better friends - who told her just to relax and go with it along with a story of friends 59 and 43. Her parents thought I was 45. Evidently having to add 10 to that is not bothering them.
This will soon start to test me. I'm still very comfortable and enjoying everything. I hope that dynamic doesn't change for a while as I'm not ready to be done yet. That said, I'm not ready to go all in yet either - nor should I be. I am learning things or confirming things though and I really do enjoy that. I've reported on how much I make her laugh has been a big point of why she is so interested. Add to that the fact that I ask about her girls and her day and her life, plus talk on the phone with her for hours. Evidently she has NEVER had that. I brought up the 5LL and she continues to be impressed by the fact that someone would care enough to know what makes her feel appreciated. Perhaps best, for me, is this really is me. I'm not doing these things to impress her - I'm just doing what I do and being who I am. Really makes me wonder what kind of guys has she been dating???? Or is it possible I really am that much of a catch? Might be a little of both I guess.
We've got tentative plans to do something next weekend. I'm pretty sure that will happen. Not sure about 4th of July. I'm in a parade and at a festival not too far away from her - 25 minutes maybe? I would not be surprised if we end up meeting up at some point but not plans right now.
Anyhow, I'm looking forward to a fun weekend. Just lots of driving as the gigs are all over. I'll do at least 8 hours of windshield time this weekend. No date report to make on Monday but I'll likely have something to say.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I'm playing vibraphone in L.A.with about ten musicians who all played on the album, its like playing in an orchestra. All of them very talented professionals so it keeps my amateur self on my toes.
Gig went great, Dave Alvin (of Blasters fame) came to see us play. Also a childhood classmate who was rock reviewer for the LA Times for many years (now does movie reviews) was there (one of the other musicians is a coworker).
CMM and my middle son both got to see me play the vibes for the first time and were suitably impressed
