Separated - Patience & DB or Divorce?

[Did]

Slipped up tonight was in a great mood after work tonight. Texted W happy birthday hope youre happy and smiling.

Mr nice guy. Shes probably f***ing other man she has told me she s not seeing but just assuming she s lying at this point.

[Did]

Steve i just read your whole story. Took me almost two hours. Good for you man that is awesome. Unfortunately I pursued hard and did all the wrong things for months and months not just two days. I was so sure I could get her back.

At this point I have accepted it is over. I am going to try to be patient but it tears me up. I want to do what I say I would do in regard to financial support. Although maybe I should pull the plug on all that. I feel like I need to be a man of my word.

W birthday tonight. I made a mistake and texted her happy birthday hope you are happy and smiling. She replied two hours later thank you... Mr nice guy. Feel like a loser. She was probably with OM having sex. She has said she has not seen him in months but I think she is lying. I can not trust her words. I have to detach further. Stop being nice. Stop talking to her. Just pick up D3 and leave tomorrow. Got her a card probably should not give it to her Or just write happy birthday instead of a long personal note as I used to.

This is all in my head and me assuming the worst. She could be out with a girlfriend as she said she was. It does not matter I guess it just is over. It has been a year. She shows no signs of emotional interest or desire to be intimate. Almost have to assume she is with someone else. Marriage is over.

[Did]

W texts me this morning D3 likes plums. Followed by are you coming to school? Do you wanna take her to school so I can nap (we used to workout at the same time up until a couple weeks ago when I started trying to detach and set boundaries). Then she said my phone dies at 70% any idea where to get s new one that is not expensive and is not a POs.

I said No I am not coming. Sorry idk about your phone. If we had talked about it in advance I could have taken her for you for sure but now I cant.

She said its ok.

Really hard for me to say no. Want to help her. Want to say I wish we had gone out to a romantic dinner last night and had passionate sex. Obviously not going to say that. Trying to embrace DB fully. Having a hard time

[SteveLW]

Well done on the last exchange.

Did, don't give up. There is always hope.

Write in the card: Happy Birthday. Love, Did and D

Leave it at that and give it to her.

Keep DBing. DBing is hard, but when it is hard is when you need to do it the most.

If being a man of your word is more important than enabling her, then stick to it. I would probably sit her down and tell her "I know I said I would, but until ordered to by the court I do not feel comfortable with it." Leave it at that. When she begs pleads demands an explanation you stick to "I just don't feel comfortable with it right now." Name. Rank. Serial number.

Of course it is up to you. The above is only what I would do.

[Did]

Thanks Steve she has been texting me quite a few times today about D3 pics at park / Uhauls / packing / spray painting patio furniture etc. Ive just tried to be nice and brief in my response.

Not sure I can do that on rental. But maybe we should sit down and talk about it. Feel like that is a R talk waiting to happen. Basically we will get D so she can get out of her parents house. And she will think Im controlling her with money. I wish I hadnt agreed to get her a place thought being nice would help and be a positive change since I was controlling with money. She would be crushed maybe that would be a sense of loss or maybe she would just think Im an indian giver who isnt up to my word like her family. Im fine with paying for the place if were piecing things together. But if not it should just be D and start the alimony clock I suppose.

Seeing mediation Lawyer June 26th...

Will do on card. Thank you

[Did]

Money is such a sticking point she is getting her phone fixed $200. New ones are more than twice as much. She is getting a mattress so D3 has one at her apartment. She is ready to fight when I bring up that I wanted to split finances already. She is adamant this is the only option she needs these things. I can not watch D3 consistently until mid July so she can not really work. I ffeel like we need to have a relationship talk at some point. Idk what to do.

Realistically she is very frugal but I hate the angry fight or flight anxiety side of her.. More and more I feel like I need to cut ties and divorce or I am just going to be taken advantage of being Mr. Nice guy. This [censored]. Nothing seems to work I have not been dBing that long but it seems like time is going to run out.

Maybe I should just not care about money for a couple months unless she starts bad spending habits.

[SteveLW]

Wait, you no you are a Mr. Nice Guy. And you know that she will use that to take advantage of it, so you are just going to give her all the money she wants unless she goes nuts?

How about: "I am sorry about your phone, however your phone is no longer my responsibility."

"I understand it would be nice to have a mattress for D3, however it is not my responsibility to provide a mattress for D3 outside of my own home."

Did, STOP enabling her.

[SteveLW]

Cancel any joint credit cards. If she is on your bank account remove it.

SHE left the marital home, not you.

(I'd clear any financial advice with a lawyer first, but this is what I would be looking to do.)

[OrangeK]

Did. Steve is ON POINT.
Separate her ability to spend your money. Let her provide for herself. She decided that that role in her life is over for you.

[SteveLW]

Did, most states nothing is required until court ordered. CUT HER OFF.