Thanks Job, KML, Gordie, Cali and Bttrfly. Ownit - if you are reading, I've missed you!
Bttrfly, actually, each day, I thank my lucky stars that he moved out. I had absolutely no idea how outrageous my situation had become until he left. It is as Cali writes: it takes distance to really see how toxic it had become.
I have little contact with him but from glimpses, he is still way out there. The control issues are crazy, so much so that I am not sure we can settle our divorce without litigation. When he left he took all documents including our will and the kids' passports. Of course there is no legal basis for him to have these in his possession and I've tried to explain that to him. I have tried to explain that if we are to settle we both need to understand there are laws to which we must adhere. I have every right to have a copy of my will. (It was written so long ago, I can't even remember which law firm wrote it.) And I should keep one kid's passport while he keeps the other (unless one of us is travelling internationally with the kids.) If we are to settle, I am planning to write that our previous will is null and void effective immediately in case he never gives it to me.
His answer: he's always handled these things so he'll continue to do so. He actually says this and then also says as he's always done it, he sees no reason to change things.
These are the the kinds of things that make this MLC and not an ordinary divorce. He still wants to control things. He even sent me an email telling me how I should be budgeting and handling my finances. His tone was rude, condescending and filled with anger. The best part is that all his math was wrong! (At one point he even suggested that he'll continue to handle all the finances?!?) It does not seem that he has a basic understanding of divorce.
It was made all the more bizarre that he just writes everything on this scheduling app to which the court has access. He really is digging himself a deep grave should we need to go to court to settle. Each email shows how out there he really is.
Me: I have every legal right to my own will. Please give me a copy of my will. Him: No, I've always handled this so I will continue. Me: We are divorcing, so things will not be run that way anymore. You have no legal right to hold my documents in your possession. What if I did this to you though the law is on your side?
Divorcing him is a nightmare. I have to fight for every little foothold. That's the bad. I know someday, somehow these issues will be resolved.
The good: Most of the time, I do feel like I cheated death. I am relieved he is gone. I wish him no harm, but he was an albatross.
I have made good friends at work, have a strong social network and am just healing day by day. My sense of humor is back in full swing. I joined a new tennis group and am really enjoying that. I feel strong, healthy and more whole than I have in years. I no longer have to plan fun things for the week; invites now come my way.
I cannot thank you all enough for being there for me in what were some truly crazy years.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
And have the resilience to see that you will get to the other side some way some how
Hugs to Hawho
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Do you have a Registrar of Wills at the Court House? You may go there and see if your will is on file. If not, instead of having heated discussions with the nut, make an appointment and have a new will drawn up. By doing so, it will make the one he is holding hostage null and void. It's far less stressful and you do not tell him you've done this. Let him think he's got everything he needs to stick it to you.
As for the passports, when are they due to be renewed? You can always have new ones done. You can always say that they've been misplaced and you need to have them reissued to you.
The more you point out what he isn't doing, the more determined he will be to dig his heels in and do the exact opposite of what needs to be done. There is always another way to get what you need...it may take a little bit of $$$ and time, but the items he's holding hostage can be replaced w/o his knowledge.
They do not understand that when a divorce takes place, everything changes. He's still fighting to control things and unfortunately, the areas he's trying to control are no longer going to be areas he can. He's angry at himself and the world and no matter how hard he tries, he won't be able to control you once the divorce is final.
Check on the things that I have suggested to you. I think you will find it is far easier to possibly doing those suggestions that arguing w/an irrational nut.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow, nothing from that man is going the easy route. I think for the MLCer, after the euphoric stage is over, they face a choice of better or bitter, to look inward or lash out. Your H most definitely picked the later.
Did you ever get the custody schedule figured out? If I remember H had the most cockamamie ideas about that. Your boys would be changing houses almost every day. Does the court viewable scheduling app have something to do with this part?
Are your boys enjoying summer vacation? I hope they are doing well, and of course you too.
On that note, it sounds like you doing great. Sense of humour back, invites coming your way, strong and healthy. Way to go HaWho.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
HaWho - it sounds like you are navigating the troubled waters reasonably well.
When I had my will done up it came as a package where my lawyer also did the powers of attorney for health and financial issues. I set it as my two brothers jointly and in consultation with the kids. In some ways this is perhaps a more important document IMO.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes, you need a new will now anyway, correct? Go ahead and get one done.
Also - check and see, if you're in the US, I'm not sure but there may be some way to flag their passports that you have to consent to them leaving the country.
Now this is probably all just control issues and dragging his feet but I also worry a teeny bit about someone so unbalanced and his interest in your will. So I would have a new one drawn up ASAP that specifically disinherits him and sets someone else as executor of your estate. Then you can inform him you have a new will and that way he has less incentive to do anything dastardly.
(Funny side story - when I divorced I was entitled to keep a life insurance policy on my ex- at my cost - to cover the alimony in case he died. We already had a life insurance policy on him for $500k but he insisted that I reduce it to $250k ( remember I was paying the premiums) so that I couldn't "profit" from his death! Since I never threatened him or even gave him a hard time during the divorce I thought this projection was a manifestation of his guilt - as in, if he had been in my shoes he might have wanted to take out a contract on someone who had treated him as poorly as he had treated me lol!)
Ha, It’s nice to hear an update from you. I’m sorry you are going through this mess. Thank goodness you realize that his controlling nature is what it is.... and wow... is he controlling. I think when their lives get so out of whack they cling tighter to these types of things.
Boggles my mind.... don’t these mlc’ers know how divorce works?!? Especially the ones who file themselves.
Overall, I hope you and the kids are doing well and they are having a nice summer. I’m so pleased to hear that you are feeling stronger, and healthier. It’s amazing the toll it takes living with these characters. I bet it feels so good to be back to yourself again. Enjoy this life that you’ve built for yourself.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
HaWho my love you are weathering the storm with grace and resilience. I'm so very proud of you!!!! I will tell you a secret - I wanted to tell you to take the kids and get as far away from your husband as possible many times but of course, that's not something one can say. I just had this feeling that he was so far gone that he wasn't going to come back - and if he did? Who needs Christmas trees in July??
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Been thinking about you, especially since our sitches were similar - including the time around when we got away from our MLC spouses.
Glad to see you posting less here, and out living life instead.
The will and passport things sound like control issues indeed. I love job's idea of just replacing both without his knowledge and invalidating them altogether. He just gets informed after the fact, with a brief text!
Reminder - MLCers take the path of least resistance, even during a fight they want to have.
Enjoy the summer!
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
A visit here from someone who knows what you are going through. I love that you constantly remind us about the control. With mine, I see control around money, control around communication and control over the "process." I had thought that by allowing the MLCer to "own" the process, that "it" might pass with less pain, less strife, and less difficulty. Indeed, that has not been the case for me. Once again there is, I believe, too much fear of letting go. I love to see you to handle your situation with grace and aplomb.
