She's got a lot of heavy reality to deal with, and it's coming very, very quickly.
Actually, that's a good thing........if you won't try to rescue her. It's called tough love b/c it hurts to see our loved one go through unpleasant times........but if it is the result of their own doing, they have to endure the consequences. If they are rescued every time, they won't learn and won't change.
You don't have to convince us that you are good person. Being a good man is not the same as having NGS. Learn about NGS and know the difference in doing things b/c they are based on your values and principles.....from doing it out of fear of retaliation or rejection, etc. I also encourage you to google male dominance in MR. It's not what some people think when they see those two little words. BTW, I am not saying you have an issue with either, but reading it should enlighten you.... if you do have a problem.
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But I'm not her doormat, and all I expect is honesty and effort to prove that she's worth my time...because to me, she absolutely deserves to be treated with love. And she had that, and she can absolutely have it again if she wants it.
I'm really glad to hear you say you aren't spineless and not her doormat. I just want you to understand that this is not going to be neatly wrapped and tied up that easily. It's going to take much, much longer than you ever dreamed. It's going to get worse. You will want to give up. In order to keep going in a positive direction, you need to seriously consider making changes.
Before you can save your M, you've got to save yourself. Look at this time as boot camp. It's demanding, but if you'll follow the instructions, you will be able to handle almost anything that comes at you. Are you up for the challenge?
You may need to retrain your thoughts and attitude. Instead of focusing on everything your W says & does, or seeing yourself as defeated, focus only on what is best for you or your son at the time.........don't make it all about her. You will need to practice letting go of your need to control your W. Let go of trying to control her life......her decisions, her thoughts, her needs, etc.
Stop thinking of her as your W. See her as a woman you don't know, don't share history, and you aren't trying to share a future. Currently, your main focus points are (1) being a good father; (2) protecting your welfare, emotions & self esteem; (3) getting/building a life that does not depend, include, or connect with your W.
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She is the only person that I've ever been in any kind of R with that made me feel free to be myself. And I miss that feeling.
Can you be free to be yourself......apart from her? I think it is very important to be able to be yourself with or without that relationship in your life. Naturally, you had rather have it, b/c you love her......love being a family.....and you miss it terribly. ((hugs)). The men I have seen come through this hell successfully, are those who learn how to be happy with themselves (independent of another person), and who let go of their W. That's not to say they give up all hope of ever reconciling......but they stop focusing on the W and fretting over the sitch.
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I'm wondering if she didn't want me at the appointment because she was going to try to address some of her own issues, but wasn't comfortable talking about them around me because she'd be afraid that I'd use them against her...?
It usually has very little to do with what the H imagines. It's best if you don't dwell on all the possibilities, b/c it is wasted energy. Just know that you did the right thing by making the appointment yourself. If she decides to really fight you on this, then expect to find the child asleep or not dressed and ready for the appointment, or they may be gone when you arrive. Does the child need to be there? I thought this was a doctor's consultation with the parents.
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Now I feel like I'm doing the right thing...but at what cost?
This appointment with your child's doctor is not about your W. If she can't be rational and put her anger aside long enough to do what's right for him........then why would you even question?
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Honestly, I'm worried about her well-being right now. And I know that's her battle to fight. I'm wondering if she was going to talk to the psychologist about her problems, and wasn't ready to talk to me, and wondering if I messed that all up. Because she really DOES need to do that.
If this meeting is regarding the child, I'm sure the psychologist will keep the focus on him.....and not your W. But what if she did talk about her problems? So what! She is not going to open up to you. And even if she did, it would not fix things. She can talk to anyone & everyone...,..and there is nothing you can do about it. You know it, on an intellectual level, but you don't want to accept it emotionally. This is part that letting go I was talking about. Just let that stuff go.
She has fired you, b/c she doesn't want you for a H. Therefore, her well-being is none of your business. I know you still love her and you are very concerned about her. I'm just trying to tell you that you have to retrain the way you see her and how you think about this sitch. DBing is learning how to detach. I will try to copy & paste a short description, if I can.
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DB is absolutely the most difficult thing I've ever done. I just wish that I could see results faster...and I know I have to be patient. Ugh
It depends upon what you see as "results". Just b/c she is not doing what you identify as results, doesn't mean things are not working together behind the scenes. She is on a different time table from you. It is going to take a long time before you see the type of things you identify as positive results. Unless you change how you think and cope with things connected to her, you are going to wear out. Do you know the name of your biggest enemy? It's called Blakmac.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Continued from my previous post, this is a description of DB detaching:
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my duty/job to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she really is rather than who I want him/her to be.
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/06/1809:51 AM. Reason: restored post
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Before you can save your M, you've got to save yourself. Look at this time as boot camp. It's demanding, but if you'll follow the instructions, you will be able to handle almost anything that comes at you. Are you up for the challenge?
I am up to the challenge. For sure.
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Can you be free to be yourself......apart from her?
I was before, and I can be. In fact, I'm pretty much the same person I was before. The difference is that in all of my other R's before her, I couldn't completely be myself. They would be annoyed by my personality. Which explains why they didn't really work out. Heh.
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If she decides to really fight you on this, then expect to find the child asleep or not dressed and ready for the appointment, or they may be gone when you arrive. Does the child need to be there? I thought this was a doctor's consultation with the parents.
He will be ready to go and at the sitter's house most likely before I wake up in the morning. It is his appointment, but they requested that both parents be present at his sessions.
The difference is that in all of my other R's before her, I couldn't completely be myself. They would be annoyed by my personality. Which explains why they didn't really work out. Heh.
Well, who wants to stay in a R where you can't be free to be your authentic self? Have you evaluated these times you were in those R's to see if you had not fully revealed your personality in the early stages of getting to know each other? Some of us tend to show our best side when we are trying to win someone's heart. Later, when the full personality is revealed, the other person wonders what happened to the one they really liked.
Anyway, you have enough experience to know not to get into a R with anyone (friends, etc) where you don't feel free to be your true self. I'm just curious.......what exactly annoyed them about your personality?
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He will be ready to go and at the sitter's house most likely before I wake up in the morning. It is his appointment, but they requested that both parents be present at his sessions.
Gotcha!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have often wondered what would happen if my W discovered I had read DR or see my postings here. My name is not my real name but I think there is enough detail in the posts that she would know it was me.
And I cannot help but think.... it wouldn't matter.
If our changes are to be believed they have to be long term. You cannot really fake that.
So even though she saw you had the book and may have even looked it up...and even though she said I hope you don't think we get back together... I think if she notices legitimate and authentic changes that that alone is enough.
I really like this. At the end of the day, you're doing what you choose to do. And what's best. She'll make her decision. You just focus on what you can control.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So made it to the appointment today. It went well, although they wondered why she wasn't there. So I told them. They asked how the separation was going, I said it was kind of a mess. They also asked if S was noticing, I told them he had been asking questions about things, and was obviously upset about it.
I met W at her work so she could pick up our S. She was all decked out in purple lipstick. She wouldn't even look at me, and I had to catch her as she was walking off to tell her the date of his next appointment (which I went ahead and set up). She didn't even ask how the appointment with, she was too busy being cool around her co-workers.
Meanwhile, I've lost 44 lbs. So that's going well.
Like, seriously, she's still mad at me about this. Ugh. It's freaking annoying.
I've probably read it somewhere, but I've forgotten it, so I'm just going to ask...
Is it normal for the WW during all of the tantrum throwing to actually insist that they not be held accountable for their actions?
Because I remember a bit back, W was saying that I was guilt tripping her and trying to make her feel like a bad mom...fast forward to now...heh.
Back after the first OM, she actually posted on FB something about me not wanting to keep our S because of a "mistake she made". I was having a pretty difficult emotional time, and I had told her I just needed to make sure I was okay (I had set up my own sitter to watch our S because I definitely needed to calm down and pull myself together). The funny thing about her "mistake" was that it was a random hook up with a co-worker, and she didn't really seem to see it as anything other than a "drunken mistake". Once...maybe. But then after MULTIPLE dudes, it's clearly not a mistake...it's a choice.
Ugh. Either way, yes, I'm wondering if this is just the kind of mental crap she's got to wade through before she figures out that she's messing up? Like, she doesn't want anyone else calling her out so she can figure it out herself...or she just doesn't want consequences from anyone other than herself (I'm sure it's this...just looking for someone to confirm that this is normal).
Yes WWs try to avoid consequences and accountability at all costs!! Remember, you will not find a more selfish creature on the planet than a WW. They epitomize "me first" attitude and action. That is what all the bluster about the appointment was. Think about it, she was willing to just forego the well-being of her S in order to avoid whatever it was she wanted to avoid. ME FIRST! She randomly hooks up with a coworker and then blames you for not dealing with it. ME FIRST! She is willing to destroy her family, and having a long-lasting impact (NEVER believe anyone that tells you otherwise too) on her S so that she can get some strange. ME FIRST!
WWs care about no one but themselves. They don't care how their actions affect other people. They don't care how it looks to others. And they certainly do not give a wink about the LBH!!
At the height of my wife's waywardness she even told me she didn't care who I told about our sitch. Obviously, deep down she did because I do not think she would consider R if others knew about our issues and what caused them. But at the time I truly believe she BELIEVED she didn't care. SCRAMBLED EGGS FOR BRAINS!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
