Honestly, I am not sure much of what my W is doing. She's finishing up her grad degree this month and so I am guessing she's been busy juggling that with work and life the last many months. She is still living alone and I don't know if she's happy or not. I see her for a few minutes every week at kids extracurricular activity, and we exchange some pleasantries, but nothing more really. I truly have no idea what's going on with her. I really just let go and I am honestly not curios or interested in her life. She cut me out of that and I took that decision and ran with it.
I am not surprised she hasn't shown any signs of recon. She's very stubborn, has high levels of anxiety, is conflict-avoidant, and has self-esteem issues. Something major happened in her life and it took her 3 years to tell her parents because she was afraid how they'd react. I told her and her siblings told her it was going to be fine, but her anxiety was so high that she couldn't do it.
My assumption is that she thinks I am cutting her out of my life, which has been my strategy with people who have abandoned me or betrayed me. Unfortunately, this scenario has happened with me in relation to some very close people in my life and I built that instinctual reaction since very early age.
She would have to do some deep soul-searching and come up with more assertive and confidence skills to even attempt recon with me. Honestly, if she did that, it would be a 180 for her and at least give me an indication that she's made some improvements. Not enough, but at least a start.
To be honest, I don't see that happening any time soon. She hasn't sought help from IC and she really needs to. I am doubtful that she'll take the initiative to do it because of her anxiety and she had told me one time that she doesn't need it.
About D - I am waiting to see if she initiates it. I am sure she knows the rules around it and our separation period of 12 months is over by the end of June. If she doesn't initiate it, then I plan on doing so. I will give it until the end of July and then assess what to do.
The only reservation right now I have about dating is that I know that I am not ready. Also, I feel that I need the D to have some mental closure and then step out in the dating world. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I find it ethically icky to start dating while still legally married, even though we've been separated. I don't think I would be able to honestly be myself and have the single mindset if I was still attached, even by a piece of paper.
One of my married girl friends joked with me about the dating scene. I told her my take on it and she's like - you'll be surprised how many women don't care about your separated status to go on a date with you. That kinda took me aback. I realized that I am not going to date a woman who doesn't care about that. I want to date women who are confident and know their needs and non-negotiables, and are able to be upfront about it. I know this is a nuanced conversation, but it came across as a woman devaluing her needs to date whoever comes her way - I definitely don't want that.
I am pretty good socially and can connect with women. I am very good at connecting with women - grew up in a predominantly female household and some of my closest friends are women. I have my male friends too, but I've never had issues with friendship with women, but I was pretty bad at the dating thing since I always had low self-esteem. Well now, things have changed and lets see.
Yes, I hail from a part of S. Asia. Both my parents abandoned me at a very young age, so they've not played any role in all of this. My close family, some of whom are the closest thing I've had as parents, have been very supportive and caring and just helped me with my tough days. Unfortunately, they are far away so it's only through phone calls, but it's still something rather than nothing. Where I am at, I am pretty much by myself.
I still have ups and downs, but not as intensely or all the time. My detachment is getting better.
I was recently out with my work team and I finally told some men in upper management about my situation - we get along really well, but I didn't want to spill the beans in a professional setting until I was grounded and ready. They all looked at me and said - 'you're going to have no problem finding a phenomenal woman', and then talked about great characteristics I have as a man. I've also helped one of them improve some stuff about his marriage from what I have learned here too. So, it was really interesting to get male affirmation about this. And it was genuine, not some dudebro thing where guys just tell you to go get laid and get over it. They genuinely looked up to me as a man and how I carry myself.
So, I am doing pretty good. I know my value and what I bring and I know my flaws very well now too.
Hi Maika, It is pretty amazing to read how confident you are and how you have decided to take charge of life. I am sure the next phase of life be it recon or a new partner will bring you loads of happiness. Since we are from similar cultural backgrounds I relate a lot reading your sitch. I am truly happy to see how you are faring.
Originally Posted By: Maika
Unfortunately, they are far away so it's only through phone calls, but it's still something rather than nothing. Where I am at, I am pretty much by myself.
I am in the same boat, no family in this country except for H and kids not even extended family or cousins. But thank god for technology today international calling is so accessible.
Thanks Arsh. I think it has to do with accepting that there truly is only one way forward - through the pain, suffering, misery leading to self-discovery. You have to treat where you are right now as a point of no return - the flight has gone too far along the path making it impossible to turn back around and go back to the originating point. You have to continue towards the destination. And that destination is a more grounded life.
As soon as I realized that there was no going back, I accepted that I was going to go through a hard time and stopped avoiding it. Natural instinct is to avoid discomfort. But only by leaning into it, can you make it through.
Yeh, I also have nobody in this country, but some family not so far away, and obviously family back home. One thing that Benito had said in his thread a long time back was - NO HELP IS COMING! Once I really recognized that, it made me approach all of this with more determination.
You can't not take charge of your life. I let life happen to me for a very long time and avoided conflict and buried my discomfort just to please others. I pretty much destroyed myself and who I was in that process. And that process happened over two decades. So, to undo it won't happen in a year. I am doing way better than I thought because of all the help I received here. But, you have to put it into action as much as you can in your context. And that's what I did.
I have a plan until the end of 2018 to accomplish some goals. And then start planning for 2019 in the fall of this year. Just can't let life happen to you any more.
I also listen to great speakers on topics of self-reliance, boundaries, being assertive, and discipline. Discipline has been my biggest issue because I never believed that I could achieve my goals. I know I am smart and intelligent and socially competent, but on the inside, I never validated those things. I always looked for other people to validate me. But, I don't do that any more.
I am not out of the woods yet and it's still a long road. My aim is to come to a place of great equilibrium and groundedness and discipline by end of 2019. I am giving myself extra time because I am finally dealing with all the past traumatic issues from my life, not just BD. And that is at least 20 years worth of stuff. So, it's a massive undertaking.
My key things are having great patience (with others and myself), self-compassion, emotional regulation, not being controlling, and discipline. I am doing good with all of that except discipline, which is my focus now. Once I get that down, nothing can stop me.
I know things are super bleak right now. It's going to get better. I don't know if you're in a position to physically separate from your H, but if that gets on the table, take it and run with it.
So I've been trying to put into practice being consistent with my commitment towards the process for my goals, and it's been an interesting road of experimentation.
After trying out different strategies, I started waking up early every day. I started with 5:30 for a week and then once I was consistent, started waking up @ 5AM and starting my day with my schedule and what I had planned for the day - I have my days mapped out so that I can follow through on the process commitments.
Man, what a difference waking up at 5AM has been. It's like a switch was flipped and it brought everything into focus. It is the first decision of my day and when I make it, all my decisions for the rest of the day just fall into place. I also have so much time to get everything done. I am loving it. It's actually quite intoxicating to be so productive and also have energy throughout the day.
It's also helped me greatly to get better sleep because I am tired from the day and my mind goes into rest mode as soon as I hit the pillow. I am getting deep sleep and having good rest is so important to capitalize on the gains from working out and climbing.
I am also eating better because I have time now to make proper breakfasts and lunches.
It's completely changed my life around and I have such a positive outlook when I succeed with that one decision to not hit the snooze button and get out of bed.
Anyways, just sharing some positives. Not sure what I am doing will work for you and your schedule, but the waking up early has been the catalyst for good decision making and is the glue that holds everything together. I just can't imagine not waking up early any more.
Nice work M, I have always been an early riser. I don't even need an alarm clock any more. To me nothing is better than waking up, getting a good work out in, and enjoying that first cup of coffee in complete silence.
Yeh i have never been an early riser. I was always a vampire - sleep really late and wake up late. I just thought I was wired differently and never pushed myself to change the rhythm of my body. But, it's been a welcome change and I am not so groggy or tired in the mornings anymore. It's been a great revelation and such a positive lifestyle change. Definitely #WINNING
Maika, I have a four year old alarm clock who wakes me up early every morning! That's great you've found that waking early makes a difference. It's hard to focus on things like that when we're in the midst of every day married-with-kids life but now that you've had time on your own to set goals it's great that you identified this change and made it happen!
I also changed a lifelong vampirism and wake up around 630 am everyday now It is truly life changing No matter what happens I hope that this change is permanent The only down side is when I go to bed too late not having enough sleep really effects my emotional wellbeing
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
