But, what do you talk about with this person now? i feel like I don't know who my W is. Plus how do you go from separation with NC, except kids, to doing an activity and having a conversation? i just feel like I would have nothing to say to her outside of the kids. I have no desire to inquire about her life, work etc.
I can swallow my pride and emotions and be totally cool for the benefit of the kids, but I feel like I have lost how to interact with this person that isn't beyond just Hi or Hello.
Maybe I need to improve my social small talk skills. anyways,
Trust me, it's hard sometimes. Like you mentioned, though, small talk skills.... talk about her life, work, and the kids. But don't bring up the relationship.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
All, I do feel there's been a small change in my husband.
When I mention no eye contact above it's due to me smiling at my husband back in April and he responded "don't smile at me. I don't like it." That's back when I posted about how he seemed to feel guilty. That's when things started to change a bit....right after we moved away.
I'm still not suggesting anything about reconciling but just another series of improved interactions. Tomorrow my husband will visit again in the afternoon. We'll see how that goes and what kind of mood he's in.
I don't want anyone to worry that I'll take my husband back easily or that there's even a chance he'd try to come back, but whatever is happening lately is at least on a positive trajectory. At minimum this is good for our daughter and gives me hope that my husband won't be the total monster that he was for a while forever. I feel it's important to write these updates for anyone who is currently dealing with an enraged defiant spouse.
Nicole maybe he's starting to regret the way things are working out. I have no doubt that you moving away, him thinking your are seeing someone, that you wouldn't go away with him are making him rethink things. It will take a while. I'm glad things are at least a little less tense than before.
Personally, I think you should talk to him about some boundaries, like not telling you not to smile at him, and not tolerating his staring at his phone while he's with you just because he's in a bad mood, or putting up with him being a dick around you because he's an 'enraged defiant spouse'.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
When these waywards want back in, it's not a rye smile they give you. Its a huge big signal like telling you and asking your terms, being willing to change and having done a lot of work.
Its mind reading to read into little gestures!
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
What V says makes a lot of sense, we LBSs are so desperate for a recon we tend to read into all their signals and hope makes us believe there are positive signs somewhere in there
As to your other question pertaining to my sitch Nicole, I absolutely have no family in the US other than H and our kids. My entire family and extended family are back in the country we immigrated from.
Jim, yes less tension is great for as long as it lasts.
Vanilla and Arsh, that's right. That's why I was careful to state that my husband shows no signs of wanting to reconcile but he's showed a positive change. It's nice to feel more normalcy after the enraged state he was in a few months ago. When my husband wanted to come back the first time he abruptly came one night begging to come home so I know if that's what he wants he'll do the same again. I don't expect it though.
All, my husband was here again today and left again to return back to his state. There was less interaction today because our daughter wanted to take a nap and I was laying next to her and my husband worked on his phone. Then he took her out while I worked. He did mention that he's changing his work schedule to go with us when we go out-of-town next week to the city where his brother lives. I didn't invite him. I already have plans to stay with a friend there but if he goes he can stay with his brother and I can take our daughter to visit.
When my husband came back with our daughter he was late for the airport so I had to go down and get our daughter and the car seat so he could leave directly. He got out of the car to take out the seat and I was holding our daughter. Then he hugged her to say goodbye and put his arm around me too. That's definitely the first time since last summer, almost ten months ago, that he's reached towards me. I didn't hug him back or say anything.
Thanks Nicole and Jim on how you would handle small talk situations. Summer is here and tons of opportunities to do stuff outside and lots of festivals, which we used to go to. I am going to go by myself this year and bring the kids. I've decided that I am not going to initiate hanging out with her.
If she does, we'll see. The best way to deal with that situation I see is to treat her like an acquaintance. But, I dunno. Part of me also feels that she doesn't deserve my time after all she's done.
I'll cross the bridge if it comes. I am not worried about it. It's all theoretical and I am not waiting for any invites either.
She told me that she would never bring up the MR issues to talk about a little bit after BD. So be it. I've figured out what I need from a partner and a romantic relationship. Meekness is definitely not one thing that I find cute. And the hard work on her part, I need to see that. I need to see her seek me out. I am not going to make this easy on her.
Anyways, so theoretical and very unlikely this would happen. But I like to think things through and be prepared lol.
Good morning Maika, when my husband was here the past two days we talked about our favorite sports team, cute things that our daughter was doing, options for fun things that my husband and daughter could do together in our area, and other benign topics. It wasn't difficult except for making eye contact with my husband after the "don't smile at me" comment in April. I'm sure you could do it if the opportunity presents itself but yes it sounds like your wife would have to initiate it.
I think you're doing brilliantly. It must be so confusing now that H is thawing somewhat. I don't have any advice as you seem to be handling these interactions really well. Just tread carefully and protect your heart. No matter how detached we tell ourselves we are...there is always that sneaky emotion that creeps in, and with it expectations. But you've made such great progress, I'm sure these moments are just glancing off the target.
I'm sure H is confused too. Time will tell. Enjoy your trip next week.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Hi Nicole, your H is definitely cooling off. May be it is the realization that life outside of his family is not as exciting as he thought it would be, may be it is the insecurity kicking in that you may be interested in other men or just may be his brain is rewired there is no telling but I think he is showing positive signs. and kudos that you are handling it well. Do what you are doing, stay put and give him a chance to make amends. If he does prove himself then just maybe he will get another chance. You have shown strength in your resilience and managing life on your own. Good for you.
