Can I really do this #3

[arsh18]

Sorry JS, hit Enter before adding more, I meant to say during these convos we should just remember not to believe anything they say. If the WASs do believe this, just makes them lousy parents who are only being selfish

[AnotherStander]

Please weigh in and let me know if I am doing something wrong.

Not at all, sounds like you are doing everything right. You are protecting your finances while not completely cutting her off. You are calmly and rationally explaining things to her. It's all exactly what you should be doing. That doesn't mean she'll like it or pin a ribbon on you, but it's the best approach.

At this point, I think making the mediation appointment and having her go through the motions may be the only thing to get her to reality. The $$ she is talking about making won't even pay for the rent, let alone anything else.

Proceed as you must because it's what YOU want to do, or what you need to do to protect yourself, but don't do it thinking it'll snap her back to reality. Her rationalization hamster is running full speed and will be for quite some time.

She is frustrated because she feels like I am dragging this one.

How dare you not to all the work for her!! What kind of terrible husband are you to not pave a golden path to divorce for her?

I don't know if it was Steve, AS or Sandi who said that if they want it, there isn't much you can do about it, but a lot of times they never lift a finger to move it forward.

I'm definitely fond of pointing that out although I think Steve and Sandi and others here do too. My W had the papers drawn up around the time I found DB'ing. I removed all the pressure from her and just let her be and she just put it on the back burner like it no longer mattered. I was the one that ended up pushing it forward because a partnership opportunity came up and I couldn't risk having my share split up in a "future" divorce, better to get the D out of the way first.

I want her to do the lifting and I'm not carrying the heavy stuff, or even half of the box. She has to do it.
I didn't take the bait and get into a fight so I feel really good about that.

Perfect!

[Dtrmned]

Just updating and journaling a litle.

I guess the conversation and threats to schedule mediation yesterday was just a money play??? All I can surmise but I cannot assume and know what she was thinking. After her call and saying adamantly that when I got home that we were going to sit down, pull up the website and make an appointment, to which I said "ok, just let me know when you want to do that tonight". I got home and nothing was said the entire evening. Minor pleasantries, no family dinner as D was away and S was playing a little later since it was nice. But just watched tv together and then went to bed.

[SteveLW]

JS, yes WWs in particular are a lot of bluster and threats, with little to no action. Unlike those of us trying to DB, they think that words will control and cause action. Your response was PERFECT!!! "ok, just let me know when you want to do that tonight", I love it. It is so neutral that it is perfect. You weren't saying "Sure, would love too!", nor were you saying "I am against moving forward so I refuse." It left the ball in her court. It meant, YOU (her) needed to decide when and then initiate the conversation, and the making of the appointment. TYpically when it came down to initiative and action, she, like most WWs dropped the ball. See mtb's thread about his WW demanding the birth certs. Then when he left it up to her "they are in the mailbox, stop and get them anytime" she never showed up.

Bluster. Threats. No action. No initiative. That is the epitome of a WW!!

[Dtrmned]

I have been following mtb's thread. I look at a bunch to get a clearer understanding on:
1. I am not alone in this, even though I have to do the work alone.

2. Many, many MR's go through very similar situations.

Some days are better than others. Today, more of an "in my head day" and thinking about what is really lost. Although I know it is not done by any stretch (Sandi's "NEVER GIVE UP" rule), but just hate the limbo stage.

Definitely not ready to "pull the trigger" myself, but that could come any day. Presently, I still love my W. Won't tell her that. Will be db'ing as long as it takes. And working more on the GAL part. I look tons better, I physically and mentally feel better, but the emotional and psychological part of me is just a wreck inside. She never sees this any more, but it is definitely tough to deal with daily.

[Dtrmned]

Weekend was a little strange/weird.

Friday night. Nothing from W at all regarding pushing for mediation appt still. Quiet as a mouse on that subject. Casual evening at home, did my run, ate, worked,etc.

Saturday, I got up early, did my morning run/workout, cleaned up a little, made everyone breakfast (D had a friend over). Headed out by myself and ran some errands for about 3 hours. Got home, read a book for a while. Late in the afternoon, I did ask the W if she wanted to get out of the house and his a movie. She is not a planner and I wasn't looking for a date, just for us both to get out of the house as we are kind of just stuck there. Would rather her not think of our home as a "prison", but with not much extra cash and the kids home for summer break, there is not much else to do. Made the offer, she seemed very tempted at first, she thought about it, and then decided she just didn't want to spend the time to get ready to get out. Sometimes, depending on her health, just getting ready exhausts her. I didn't push, just said "ok", and went along with the evening.

4am Sunday morning. W gets up to go to the bathroom. She has been up at 4 or 5 am for the last month and has complained about not being able to sleep later than that for some time so I now she wasn't totally out of it. Again, she went to the bathroom, got back into bed, she turned and faced my direction, reached her arm out and actually grabbed my arm. This was a grab and hold, not just the incidental/accidental sleep induced grazing of flesh. She grasped my arm for over 2 minutes. I froze. I'm a very light sleeper, so when she got up, I was awake. I didn't know what was happening. Then it got even weirder. She took her hand off of my arm and reached over and stroked my face. How weird is that? Nothing was said of this, and Sunday I took the kids out for a few hours so we could goof off together and W could have a bit of time to herself. We had a blast, were only supposed to be gone about 2 hours and it turned into 4. We had no plans and no one was in a rush. I didn't text W, nor did she text me. Very pleasant mood around the home. I made Sunday dinner for everyone which everyone seemed to enjoy. W and I then just relaxed, watched a couple of show and went to bed.

Just curious as to what everyone thinks about this. I'm definitely NOT trying to read too much into this, but it seems like she let her guard down for a moment and reached out. We just seemed closer this weekend even though we were apart more than usual. Might be just me as I can't read her mind or know what she is thinking. Reading through other situations and what has happened, this also seems normal as a WW is going back and forth in her own mind. And ok, looking up I realize tha I am already reading too much into this. It may mean absolutely nothing, or that she was just sad at the moment that we are truly parting, so I have no idea and probably will never.

I guess the best way to look at it is that we made it another week in the same house. Still in Limbo, but that is better than pushing towards a D at this point.

Interested to see what this week holds. With Father's Day being Sunday and all, it should be an interesting week. For Mother's Day, I took the family to a nice brunch, got W cards from both children (and one from me as well that ONLY spoke of her being a great mother to our children. It had nothing in it about me loving her or her being my W.) got her a couple of gifts from the kids. Outside of her baiting me into an argument later in the day, I think she enjoyed it.

As I said, this week should be interesting.

[SteveLW]

JS, there is no way to spin this negatively! I am sorry, but a WAW/WW stroking her H's face while he is "asleep" is nothing more than a move towards the MR. You're DBing efforts are paying dividends. I would not mention it. Likely she thought you were still asleep, so mentioning will mean that further reach outs might be stifled.

But there is no way this is not an encouraging sign.

[arsh18]

JS, that is a great update. things are looking up for you, so happy it is going well. Continue doing what seems to be working so well for you, happy fathers day in advance

[Parkema]

JS,

I hope these are positive signs but please remember the wayward is a totally emotional creature at the moment.
Guilt, looking back to what was are all going around her chemically intoxicated brain and logic has no place there.

I say this to prepare you for the push-back that always goes with this type of event you would expect it to follow a logical direction again no logic here!

Keep working and stay positive in what YOU'RE doing.

Mark.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks for the feedback guys!
I am hesitantly optimistic.

She hasn't mentioned anything about it and neither have I, nor will I. It was a moment. Whether it was looking back, guilt, missing "us", or whatever that caused that moment, I am glad I was awake when and got to experience it on my side. She kind of crawled back in a hole yesterday and when I got home she said something like "woke up in a bad mood and it hasn't gotten any better with the kids today". Acknowledged her feelings, went on my run and on with my evening. I realize this is a long process and there will be many, many bumps, set backs and crazy emotional things happen before this can even remotely get better so I am settling in for the duration.

Morning started off good with a nice run and then getting ready and off to work.

DB all the way!!