25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10

[Vanilla]

Choosing well?

Reluctant?

Older?

Yes, of course.

Here is the rub, you ladies 25, kml and even V are Awesome!

And once you know then you can never unknow. There are lovely guys out there and some very extra special men who find dating tough too. And are protecting their hearts, who struggle even to ask out a real live woman that they like the look of. Just read the stories here.

The lovely wonderful potential partner is there for you. Just as they always have been. You know the red flags and it's worth exploring the reasons why you choose the men you do.

I am not sure that Mr Right is on OLD. I prefer IRL. Apart from studying now, I aim to chat (on average) to two potential dates a day. You never know.

However whatever works for you. You are ready kml to find that new guy that fits like a glove.

And 25 I see you are planning to be somewhere warmer than Alaska with your heart.

V

[Jim1234]

It's going to take time. I'm just not healed, but that's not to say I'm in a bad place.

This divorce was like open heart surgery to me. The recovery period is a long one, but rushing it is a very bad idea.

Totally.
The first few years after my ex left, I subconsciously chose unavailable men precisely because I wasn't really ready to step back into being fully in a relationship.

I'm getting ready to date again (actual new person dating, not the FWB contact with former Love Avoidant date) but finding it hard to drum up enough enthusiasm. I WANT a steady date, someone I can hang with and share good morning texts with, but do I REALLY want to be all-in? Maybe not. Maybe if my FWB hadn't ghosted me I could have been perfectly happy with a once a month date with him and nothing more. But since he's gone silent I'll have to do some work if I want to date.

It seems like we are all having issues being emotionally unavailable, or maybe seeking out others who are emotionally unavailable.

I'd really like to find someone who was cool with getting together every few weeks, but just about everyone I have dated wants to be in a full blown relationship. I'm just not ready for that.

[25yearsmlc]

Not ready for a full blown relationship...


I hear you. Speaking of the opposite -

X remarried last month, weeks after our D was finalized, and he did not invite our kids to the wedding. Has not seen any of them in 20 months - (ie when we separated.)

Of course, there was "overlap" of our m with his new one...


But My feelings aside, when I heard he was marrying OW I literally thought to myself,

"what an idiot x is." I even had a moment of pity and SMH for him b/c I thought, "you never learned to be alone. You NEED an admirer so badly that you'll throw away all the shared history and wound the 4 who loved you the most just so your fragile ego gets a bandaid and you won't be - God forbid, alone with yourself."

Recently I've seen him more as a tragic figure than anything else. It helps me diffuse the anger without seeing him in a flattering & false light.

Because leaving any marriage and entering a new R quickly, is foolish. To leave a 35 year marriage to enter another partner's bed in a "FULL BLOWN M" is utterly lacking in insight.

I believe x has learned nothing useful or healthy since we parted ways. I believe he's spending energy avoiding the damage he directly caused and the collateral damage is something he cannot face either.

In fact, he's doubled down on many of his distortions of victimhood. Just one example is x complaining about the "dangerous drives home on Friday nights to make everyone happy - I BLED for you & I'm exhausted..." (those are quotes).

REALITY CHECK - x insisted on living 4 hours N of us, over my strong objections. It was his solo decision, based on flawed data, too. To hear him now see himself as a victim/martyr is just weirdly inaccurate.

The distortions are many and they go very deep. His narrative has swaths of amnesia (like him taking all the marital money from a joint account, is simply not discussed.

Worse, His not paying for d20's college, while listing the "college educations" HE paid for as more proof of his being "a good father" . I mean, did he literally forget that he cut D20 off last year?? )

Jim, we release them to their journey, even if they drive thru a cornfield and off a cliff.

I did my best for a very long time. (Probably too long, but that regret is both useless and unknowable).

If I knew then what I know now, I'd have held him more accountable & a lot sooner.

It would either have ended the M sooner, which would mean I was 10+ years younger & more easily back in the work force, and probably in a much healthier R, OR it would have changed things in the m. I find that doubtful, though, given the things x has done which show a surprising capacity for cruelty and long term dishonesty. So I'm guessing I would have cut him loose a lot earlier.

What I can tell you is that despite my remarks and journalling here, I am getting to the other side. It is a 2 steps forward, one back, process. But on the whole, more and more, I look forward to MY future. And I don't want to factor others in the choices I make, for the first time in my life. (Of course if the kids needed me, I'd be back. )

But deciding where to live, what to eat, and what job to take or do, is ALL MINE to make. And it's freeing me, finally. No more pretzeling myself and my career (what career??) to accommodate x's relentless changing goals (which always involved more money, btw).

Do you have a good solid T to help guide you and keep you on track? I do.


And no matter how he treats his new wife, he did not treat me or our children well, for a long time. We were not a priority of his and I did not truly believe that, until the past 6 months. My kids saw it years ago. I refused to.

So, who or what is your w's priority? YOU? The Status quo? Unknown? Do you fear she has Secrets?

Finally, one more point.

I read an article about how to see our new R's (and what we ought to have had in our marriages).

It's the "F--k YES!" factor.

So when I date a man, I don't want to date someone who seems on the fence, or frequently has doubts about his feelings or our R.

I want, and now require a man who says "F- YES!" when asked if he and I ought to spend time together. Not forcing a marriage, by any means.

But I refuse to spend my remaining time on earth wondering where I stand with someone who should freaking know & show it with some gusto.

Do you believe that you deserve this?

[kml]

So when I date a man, I don't want to date someone who seems on the fence, or frequently has doubts about his feelings or our R.

I want, and now require a man who says "F- YES!" when asked if he and I ought to spend time together. Not forcing a marriage, by any means.

Hear, hear!
This was, actually, what drew me to crazy exBF - he seemed, at least, to be enthusiastic about me. And it was nice basking in that, although now I can see the crazy that went with it. Still, despite his lies and craziness, I'm pretty sure that part was genuine - and why shouldn't it be? Even the unavailable guys I dated ALL thought I was fantastic. Very life-affirming after my exH's negativity.

Definitely not settling for anybody in the future who doesn't think I'm grand just as I am.

[kml]

Funny line from some nerdy guy's OKC profile today: "For people whose opinion I do care about the things I'd like for them to think about me are; he's smart, he's sexy, and he's kind. In reality I'll settle for them not thinking; he's strange and he doesn't use semicolons correctly."

Made me laugh out loud. Plus - smart sexy and kind? What else do I need?

[Jim1234]

25, a couple of things you've said resonate.....

I believe x has learned nothing useful or healthy since we parted ways. I believe he's spending energy avoiding the damage he directly caused and the collateral damage is something he cannot face either.


Jim, we release them to their journey, even if they drive thru a cornfield and off a cliff.


We had lunch a little while ago to talk about the divorce, and she told me about her problems. It was all I could do not to point out to her that virtually all of her problems are caused, at least indirectly, by her decision to file and move out. It would have gone in one ear and out the other, though.

What I can tell you is that despite my remarks and journalling here, I am getting to the other side. It is a 2 steps forward, one back, process. But on the whole, more and more, I look forward to MY future. And I don't want to factor others in the choices I make, for the first time in my life. (Of course if the kids needed me, I'd be back. )

But deciding where to live, what to eat, and what job to take or do, is ALL MINE to make. And it's freeing me, finally.

A very wise woman (you) said it's not a linear process, and you are so right. Some days I feel good about where things are going, and others, I am really upset. But it is sooo nice to be the guy in charge with no one to answer to.

Finally, one more point.

I read an article about how to see our new R's (and what we ought to have had in our marriages).

It's the "F--k YES!" factor.

So when I date a man, I don't want to date someone who seems on the fence, or frequently has doubts about his feelings or our R.

I want, and now require a man who says "F- YES!" when asked if he and I ought to spend time together. Not forcing a marriage, by any means.

But I refuse to spend my remaining time on earth wondering where I stand with someone who should freaking know & show it with some gusto.

Do you believe that you deserve this?

This part of your post made me think a little bit. I'm not sure I want someone SO enthusiastic right now. I think if I am going to bask in their "F YES"ness, that I should be considerate of their wanting to spend time with me. I don't WANT to have to be concerned with their feelings. Maybe I'm being very selfish, I don't know, but I just broke it off with a great woman who felt that way about me. She wasn't my priority, and after a while, it just felt like I was using her.

With your new found freedom, when you want to go to the museum, and he wants to go to the ball game (and you really don't), which are you going to choose to do?

[25yearsmlc]

Funny line from some nerdy guy's OKC profile today: "For people whose opinion I do care about the things I'd like for them to think about me are; he's smart, he's sexy, and he's kind. In reality I'll settle for them not thinking; he's strange and he doesn't use semicolons correctly."

Made me laugh out loud. Plus - smart sexy and kind? What else do I need?

THIS^^ would greatly intrigue me. Oh, yeah.

[AnotherStander]

X remarried already, wow, just WOW!

I just can't fathom why any WAS would cut ties with their kids, it just blows my mind. How do you turn love for your own kids on and off like a water spigot. And what does that say about that person. It says nothing good, that's what.

Jim, we release them to their journey, even if they drive thru a cornfield and off a cliff.

Snickered out loud at that one!

[25yearsmlc]

25, a couple of things you've said resonate.....

I believe x has learned nothing useful or healthy since we parted ways. I believe he's spending energy avoiding the damage he directly caused and the collateral damage is something he cannot face either.


Jim, we release them to their journey, even if they drive thru a cornfield and off a cliff.


We had lunch a little while ago to talk about the divorce, and she told me about her problems. It was all I could do not to point out to her that virtually all of her problems are caused, at least indirectly, by her decision to file and move out. It would have gone in one ear and out the other, though.


I've mentally written empirically verifiable arguments to my X as to what he has done to our children, and assets, to counter his insane rantings. I wanted to point out that EVERY single complaint of his, was DIRECTLY caused by HIS SOLO choices, all of which were made over my objection...

but the reality is that he will NOT slap his forehead and see the light. At least not due to anything that I say to him.

Congrats on your restraint b/c if X had uttered the ranting in my presence, I would not have done as well as you.



Finally, one more point.

I read an article about how to see our new R's (and what we ought to have had in our marriages).

It's the "F--k YES!" factor.

So when I date a man, I don't want to date someone who seems on the fence, or frequently has doubts about his feelings or our R.

I want, and now require a man who says "F- YES!" when asked if he and I ought to spend time together. Not forcing a marriage, by any means.

But I refuse to spend my remaining time on earth wondering where I stand with someone who should freaking know & show it with some gusto.

Do you believe that you deserve this?

This part of your post made me think a little bit. I'm not sure I want someone SO enthusiastic right now. I think if I am going to bask in their "F YES"ness, that I should be considerate of their wanting to spend time with me. I don't WANT to have to be concerned with their feelings. Maybe I'm being very selfish, I don't know, but I just broke it off with a great woman who felt that way about me. She wasn't my priority, and after a while, it just felt like I was using her.
[color:#3333FF]
2 things. On one hand, I suppose my premise is that I feel similarly and don't want to have to "win" someone. My view of their feelings matters b/c I'm not up for a guessing game IF there's going to be a relationship.

But I think your scenario is more that your feelings did not match hers and the disparity between you two, bothered you. And I get that.

IT can be uncomfortable and it can feel like pressure, or as if you are using them.

With your new found freedom, when you want to go to the museum, and he wants to go to the ball game (and you really don't), which are you going to choose to do[/color]?

So far, there are dates which he plans, and which have consistently been great, because i think he's planning them that way. Valentines and seeing live theater are such dates. He really put thought into it (and even if I had not liked it, the thoughtfulness that went into it was very charming to me.)

When we want to see a film, usually it's M that picks 3 he'd like to see, and I choose one of those.
We occasionally reverse that, but I'm consistently happy with his choices thus far. He also probes about what mood I'm in for a film.

And if I really did not want to do something, but he really really did, I'd have to actively dislike it not to do it. I mean, it would have to offend me, I think.

It's just not a contest to me about who decides more, as long as I know my opinion was factored in.

M wanted to take dance lessons with me and at first I thought it was a great idea. In fact I may have suggested it, come to think of it.

But X and I danced for all of my adult life and X is a great dancer. (Maybe the best one I know. Unfortunately).

Dancing was very erotic and romantic for me/us to do. I cannot replicate that with anyone, anytime soon. And I don't want to feel like we are imitating or that I'm trying to recreate something from my past with a new man. (Indeed, I'm positive it's what X is doing with his "new replacement family" and it's very needy and false, to me, frankly.) It's as if I'm "plugging in" the substitute and moving on without really SEEING that it is what I'm doing.

In time, I think this will change. I WILL dance again! I already did at 3 weddings. But to take lessons with a new guy, to focus on dancing with a new man who does not know me that way, is something I'm not yet ready for.

Maybe that's what tips us off about what we are really ready for.

For about a week now, I've been feeling very hindered in my ability to fully love.

Distrusting myself more. So, I'll let that settle some, and see how I evolve.

[kml]

How's it going girl?