There is nothing wrong with feeling anger, nothing, it is a core emotion.
We all operate from one main emotion at a time. Mine is fear. You have something in common with Zues, he uses his anger for great achievement.
And it isn't anything to feel guilty about, it's appropriate to your sitch. It's possible NG works from sadness. A different feeling. All have their challenges.
It's ok, absolutely normal and ok.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Also figure out what if anything in your childhood led to you accepting that kind of behavior from your H as normal.
AND OR
Try to see that your xh got you to lower your expectations of him greatly, (while probably increasing his of you.)
HE could not be expected to spend HIS "free" time with family unless HE felt like it...and it was not for you to complain, but to accept his kibbles with gratitude.
Whereas YOU could, of course, make sure all was fine at home so that he could pursue his varied interests, etc. You were the touchstone for him to maintain the veneer of being a family guy while going off when he wanted. And still does, b/c in reality you WILL make sure your son is fine, as you should.
At the end of my m, I now see how little I had come to expect of my x. As if I believed that in time he'd awaken to how loyal and loving I had been -- and reward me.
Ugh...it's embarrassing to me now.
But I relate!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
re the anger Juju, it's something I struggle with and try to use as a call to action. I cannot think of anything else that is positive. And frankly, there have been times it literally makes me sick.
Bad sleep patterns and even a few panic attacks, and frequent distraction and anxiety over the crappy treatment that I only now, truly see as abusive treatment. I'm not using the term loosely, but with added insight and knowledge, I now see how mistreated I was and yet it still hurts. SO...
I'm heading over seas in the fall to work with refugees. (This summer I'm getting certified to teach English abroad, and teaching and helping with asylum applications with my legal training could be very rewarding.)
Of course, my hope is that a new environment and sense of purpose will crowd out my thoughts of x and the way I was wronged. It will likely give me serious perspective on the injustices of life, too. Like, my "injuries" and the wrongs inflicted on me are quite minor, globally speaking.
I have found a certain self indulgence to my anger/sorrow, at times. I'm not proud of it.
And I really do believe I'm giving so much more power to my x than I should.
For MY sake, I have to redirect these thought patterns. There is "neuro plasticity" in which we can retrain our thought process and it takes some lessons and direction AND THEN implementation. But it can be done.
It's not about condoning anything my x did, which he probably will never realize, let alone admit, let alone tell me OR apologize for. My happiness (and yours) cannot hinge on whether the x sees the light.
My x seems genuinely unable to comprehend what he has done to others, though he's filled with self pity NOW...incredibly, he sees himself as a victim. And that our kids have been "turned against" him by - of course, yours truly. Not that his LONG absences over the years were factors. Nope, just me.
D20 even told x that it's just the opposite. That she resented me for Not seeing him as she did, that I'd defend x when d20 would complain about him and that it frustrated her to no end. I feel badly about that, b/c it invalidated her perspective, which was a lot closer to the truth than mine was. X cannot hear her. X is very invested in his narrative. So is your x.
So invested that he required our children to agree with the narrative or he'd "be done."
They were not to "bring up the past", but were to treat him "with respect, and treat his new wife and HER D17 - with respect b/c 'they have been thru a lot..." -- just an unbelievable thing for a father to say to his 3 kids after not seeing any of them for 20 months...and our d20, whom he cut off tuition for, yet never asked her if she was still in college or how.
And for ME that really was so nutty to say and it showed he truly lacks the empathy chip.
So there's literally nothing I could say (or video tape!) that would get him to slap his forehead and say "OMG you're right! I'm a cruel fool!"
I think your h is similar, though I don't want to project too much of my situation onto yours. Just trying to somehow help with the experience and pass on what I'm learning.
My x is just way too deep into his narrative and down his rabbit hole for me to overcome it.
I ask myself lately, do I want to spend my precious time getting him to see the light? I did not win the "pick us" dance while married, and tried like mad to do so.
But even if I could, maybe, do I want to spend ANY of my remaining days convincing him of our worth?? He11 no. Especially b/c I cannot be with him anymore - I can only hope we can be civil someday.
Knowing what I know now is not something I can "un-know". So why spend my time on hoping to convince him that HE is wrong??
I just want to be happy on my own and enjoy the freedom of NOT having those hideous self doubts that have been gnawing at my self esteem insidiously, for years now. And choosing what I, 25, want to do and where I, 25 want to live.
Like you, I am second guessing R things a lot. I'm also very leery of committing to someone anytime soon. I may never remarry. Just cannot fathom how many signals I missed, how many NOW obvious ways he was untrue and simply NOT that invested in our m or family.
Somehow I projected so much of me onto him, assuming his values mirrored mine, and I spent so much energy maintaining that illusion, that it's hard not to wonder if I'm missing something again...
So the "equation" just returns to us again and again. What are WE doing to improve our side of things? The only thing we do control...is our side of the equation. Making our lives good so that whatever is going on in their lunatic worlds, matters NOT.
The narcissists losers who harm others without regard to the damage they inflict, will go on their way.
**My T asked me today, what I'd say to a woman who got beaten by her h, on a semi regular basis but then had great make up sex and was wooed back. And "loved him so much."
If her M finally ends, and the wife beating xh goes off into the sunset seemingly happy and oblivious to how badly he beat/mistreated her....and remarries and never, ever admits he beat her OR if he does admit it, it's still her fault b/c she "made him so mad"...what then?
I mean, what would you tell her? What if she says she's so hurt and angry that he did that to her, and that she hopes he's sorry, and that he tells her that he "gets it now", and that he gets help and wants to change and not hit her again...
OR he's with OW now, and acts as if he does not (yet) hit the OW...
What would you tell her if she said that it really hurts her to know he's not sorry or regretful, and that she's angry and sad that she was rejected by a man who beat her?
What would you tell her?
Do you see my point?
One quote from the book "The 4 Agreements" that I go back to...
"If someone causes you pain and suffering, & then leaves your life, consider it a great gift. If they remained in your life, your pain & suffering would also remain."
What is it you want to do with your precious time on earth? What do you want to model for your son?
And fwiw, what I'm writing ^^^herein, are all things I have to write down and say out loud to myself, several times a week.
Thinking/writing/saying/hearing myself say them really does help. It'll sink in eventually.
What can you do that would get him out of your head, even for only a day?
When I work at my brother's business, it's almost non stop contact with people. And dang, I have to say, I'm always in a good mood afterwards. There's no time to think of x.
My classes start in 3 weeks and I am stoked. Nervous b/c I'm not sure how my concentration will be, (given the seizures and the meds I now take).
But at least I won't be thinking of x.
Crossing fingers!
And hoping you find a new engrossing endeavor at least a few hours a day when your s5 is elsewhere or busy.
Any ideas?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was certainly never this great domestic wife for my ex. I am a bit adhd/disorganized/needy. He did not come home to a spotless house and dinner. More like a roasted chicken from costco. I was a bit demanding. I called him out on the stuff i did not like.
Our relationship was never one in which i felt under appreciated for all of my hard work. Nor was it one in which i felt scared or criticized.
I dont want to paint an inaccurate picture as this poor, sweet, wife abused into silence and secrecy.
(Although i was very pathetic pre and post BD. And thats when he took advantage and i walked on egg shells. And yeah, i am kind of mad cause i feel that patheticness came from me trying to 180 and follow DB applicatuons that werent really meant for my situation)
I just felt neglected. He was always disappearing. Not a partner. Not much of a dad after son turned 1. And evasive regarding financials. He was very selfish.
Despite my failings, i was and am a good mom. I was very loyal. I was very unselfish in many ways and it came back to hurt me financually. And i am good at communicating. I would have worked with him if he treated me as a partner.
In hind site he was hiding debt and an expensive habit.
The way he left. The coldness, the way i was so easily discarded..the way he talked to me so that i looked liked the crazy one. That has left a lot of scarring.
I am kept busy. I have a good career. Im working on some new goals with my career. Im busy with son. I have a boyfriend.
None of this seems to prevent that scar tissue from giving me pain at certain points.
Sometimes it leaves me numb regarding my new relationship. Like, i dont even know how its possible to love someone that is not part of your family. Or how do you develop a family with someone new that you dont share history with? How do you eventually blend when you dont have children together? Will he be able to love my son? Will we want to give to each other amd saceifice for each other and make 1 life or keep things separate? Is that even possible with different kids and agendas. If not truly possible , whats the point?
I dont think of men being able to love or attach to children. I know from these boards that some do. But i have also seen LBS questioning in one paragraph whether they should bail. Like in my mind that would never have been an option. Even for a 2nd. Its more rare for moms to abandin their kids. Im not saying it doesnt happen, its just a lot more rare. I worry that many men view kids as obligations. So another mans kids?
I know the central focus here isn't on loving other people's children, but I just felt compelled to weigh in on that particular part. When I was young, I wanted so very desperately to be a mom. To have a baby of my own. But that never happened for me, for whatever reason...just wasn't in the big overall scheme for my life, I guess. But then XH came along with 3 daughters and I can tell you that I couldn't love those girls anymore if I had carried them in my own body and given birth to them. It is likely different for all people, but I have NO trouble seeing myself loving someone else's kids. Of course, at my age, anyone I meet with kids is likely to have kids who are already adults or very close to it.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I know post divorce its hard to find some one to simply date, that us even some what nornal. But what about loving someone?
Obviously it will be hard for many of us to trust someone new. But what does it take to love somebody new? They are not family. You are not raising kids together. You are not dependent on someone. Whats the whole point?
