I think the problem is that you are feeding the anger. You are feeding it by taking your free time obsessing over it and researching what causes you anger.
I fully believe in being passionate about something. I think you are a well-educated vibrant woman with passion. So why not redirect it? Go back to reading and join a book club where you can engage in friendly conversation and debate. Angry about an injustice in the world that you can actually do something about? Like parents not having enough money to feed their kids outside of school? Start a food drive! People who drop their animals off in shelters? Go volunteer at one!
The problem with your anger and obsession is you cannot possibly be productive with it, because you don't have any control at all over the outcome of it. Or, hey, may this would work? The place where I volunteered for Thankgiving is a mission for those who led a life of drugs or crime, or general waywardness, and they keep them on the straight and narrow and reintroduce them as productive members of society. Volunteer with an organization like that.
You are being your own worst enemy by feeding your anger.
I get angry still. I get angry when I am overtired and overwhelmed and that's when I want to scream at my exH the most. But I have to positively direct that anger. Because I can't change a thing. And that will make me more angry.
Dig deep for a productive passion you can get involved in. Get your S involved too! Get the family involved! I think it would do you a world of good and you will realize your energy is better spent elsewhere.
I don't really know what to think of anger. I do think that anger can be appropriate and useful. I think people are too often shamed for being angry. It's probably the most maligned of the emotions (maybe along with jealousy). I'd agree that sometimes anger can become an obsession, but I also think that, because of societal pressures, we're often not allowed to deal with our dark side in ways that could be beneficial.
I think one of the things that drew me toward Jordan Peterson's lectures is that he address the inner "monster" and acknowledges that we all have the capacity for evil in its most violent and repugnant manifestations. He also talks a lot about the Jungian "shadow." What I like about Peterson's approach is that he doesn't shame people for having a dark side. He pushes you to accept it and understand it rather than immediately dismissing it. Just knowing that it can be okay to be angry and have evil thoughts can be a great relief.
Peterson, and others, also talk about integrating the monster or the shadow. At first, I didn't understand what he meant, but now I think I understand integration a little better. When you integrate your anger, you can still access it when you need it. I think that was one of my biggest issues; if I were to lose my anger, then I'd be open to being a doormat again. By acknowledging that it's a part of me that I can use at appropriate times, I no longer have to worry about losing that part of myself, and in turn, I don't feel like I have to stoke the fires of my anger to keep it burning because I'm confident I won't be a doormat. And I think that's the key.
Thanks guys. I think i also need more structured GAL. Im not a ticking time bomb or anything. If you met me in real life i am actually pretty even tempered.
I do have some really great career goals and the weather is improving so i should focus more on getting into top shape. I have a boyfriend with good potential for committment. His family likes me which is supwr impprtant to me.
The other day He actually asked me for my opinion on something pretty significant that concerned his life. And that felt great to feel like my input valued. It was so small but felt so significant to me. I was conpletwly taken aback. My ex never consulted me about anything. He didnt care and just did whatever he wanted.
Was talking to NG and said something like "if you have nothing interesting or fun to do and want to hang out with us tomorrow we can ...."
So he called me on it saying i was making it out like son and i were plan J.
I told him it was carry over from the relationship dynamic with ex.
My ex basically wanted very little to do with us and that became my norm. It was a fight to get him to hang out with son and i on the weekends. Thats humiliating that i would fight with him over that. I should have just detached and left him. Instead of fighting with him to actually spend time with us. I had no pride.
Only now, i realize how insecure i come off as. I dont think i used to be like that. I had normal and reasonabke expectations from a husband and father and partner, but i am now believing ex's wonderland as normal.
I am also very aware that insecurity is not attractive. I was reading on Oranges thread, how they all went after women that were cheating POS but in which there was a chase. How they all want the chase and regret walking away from the more down to earth girl that wasnt pkaying games.
I like being honest and real about my insecurities. Im certainly confident that i make for a really good partner to someone.
But i am still left feeling like an obligation to someone. Thats all ibwas to ex for so long an obligation.
I wasnt a door mat with ex husband. I always argued amd called him out on his very selfish behaviors. (They werent just typical leaving the toilet seat up behaviors..more like sleeping till 3 pm and doing nothing with or for the femaly type of behaviors)
I honestly think i am a bit traumatized by thinking at the end that my calling him out and arguing and having EXPECTATIONS (to save money later found it was going to drugs and alcochol) was wrong of me. That it was my fault. That i was too demanding and too much of a nag.
That was his gaslighting, and maybe my own interpretation of dbing a few years back.
So its carrying over into my new relationship where i feel like i am not someone that others want to be around. Like im not comfortable in my own skin.
I was with a man for years that was leading a double life. He did not love me. It was so obvious looking back. I even recently read this letter he wrote to me when i was going through postpartum and was upset with him. It was all about what a great mom i was. But not about any love he had for me.
I will check out that movie. Looks wise, im not that insecure. Its a much deeper and worse insecurity cause its not about something superficial. I think the surface stuff is what kept ex with me.
Right now Its like im still walking on egg shells. I worry about being too demanding, too needy, unlovable? I was with my ex for over 15 and i am pretty sure he never loved me. It was something i kind of forced on him.
Juju, how can you be in a relationship and love someone else, when you question if you love yourself? I know it's kind of a "blah" statement to make, but when you really think about it, it makes sense.
When my ex and I split, I was set up with a gal who was on a crappy reality TV Show. She was stunningly beautiful, but seriously said, during dinner, after talking about herself non-stop for 30 minutes "Enough about me, what do you think about me?" That was the end of it for me. If you feel like you are not being treated properly, why settle? Be with someone who is your muse, someone who wants your every moment, someone who understands who you are and what you want.
Best advice I ever got is this, a "Pro's" and "Con's" list. I use it all the time. I will write something at the top of it, about some big decision. Then I will write out the pro's and con's. If I lie, I am only lying to myself. Sometimes, it makes a whole lot more sense when it's all out on paper. I think you will see what is right and what you want fairly quickly, you got this.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
My ex wasnt a good partner. I think new guy is pretty good. But i am taking it slow. He texts every day. Seems to be a loyal, one woman man. Wants someone to grow old with. Not the frat boy personality which my ex was. He is home at night and seems to like to take on responsibikities, caring for others. Which is opppsote of my ex. NG is a single dad. Got less help then me. So that was a characteristic i really liked. I am confident he is not a secret alcoholic or drug addict.
I am pretty aware that I wont see the negatives for a while though. Just like he wont see mine. I dont know if he has secrets that i wouldnt even know to look for. Like my ex's hidden stuff.
I am aware that i am not as secure about myself as i was whem i was younger. I think its from my ex's opinion of me and ability to discard me so easily. It shouldnt make a difference. But it does.
I am still coming to terms with the fact that ex's actions and neglect and discardment are about him not me. Its what i keep trying to get through to newcomers. But cant get through to myself on a deeper level.
I remember how i was in early high school with boyfriends. At that age i wasnt really attached. It was like you get a crush on someone, and then that crush disappears for whatever reason. My parents werent the type to guide me through relationships. At that age, i probaly would have kept it a secret anyway.
In my teenage self absorption, i am sure i did not handle break ups well. I just wanted the person to go away cause i was done. I never cheated, but i did ghost.
Maybe thats how my ex is. His brain just functions at a lower level as mine did when i was much younger. That inability to empathize or care just isnt there for him. Not for me.
Maybe in the future he will look back and say, yeah that was wrong of me. I should have handled it differently. But nothing will make him really feel what i do cause its just not there. He wont feel regret or loss for me. I dont feel that for any of those high school boys. Just i wish i had been more mature with feelings and communications.
Now, its a bit different.. a relationship when your maybe 15 vs a marriage with kids. But i wonder if that lack of substance i experienced at that age is akin to what they experience.
And meanwhile i am heartbroken and rejected by soneone who really just doesnt care.
So i spent this weekend with NG. Everything is going well. He treats me well. I feel like he has "walked the walk" so to say. Meaning that he has been through worse then i and many on these boards. Single dad with hardships.
Hes not perfect. I overlook things i would have nagged my ex for, which i feel guilty about. On paper he doesnt have what my ex has. My ex would do great on OLD. I dont think NG did. BUT He was able to actually provide for his family. He worked and saved and raised a kid. My ex could not, and twisted it to make it into my fault.
But i still mourn the loss of my ex. Like my ex should be new guy.
My ex isnt. He left me. He was leading a secret life of addiction. He INTENTIONALLY stone walled and neglected me. Actually said to me when i was begging him not to leave "nothing will change for you. Its not like you had my affection". He had us living with my parents while for years he was secretly withdrawing 800 dollars a week. I would not be surprised if he cheated on me though i never found proof.
Yet sitting on the couch with NG, i felt loss and depressed. Which is not fair. I like him a lot. And i respect him. I dont respect my ex. But i felt like i should be doing this with ex.
Anyway, those of you have followed my sitch, know that anger has been a huge issue for me. I feel like i was angry at ex even before BD. I resented him and i didnt know why. My guess is that i sensed something, i just didnt have the language or knowledge base to know what.
I think anger is safe for me. Pre and post BD, I thought him leaving was all my fault. I thought his moods and failure to engage were my fault. And i begged and walked on egg shells. I followed MWDs books and advice (as well as i could) and i was exploited. I hid back my anger from him, which only validated his actions. i lost my sense of self worth and pride. And he really took advantage of me. He pushed the limits because he was not invested in the relationship and i was. I wish i interpreted detach, as disinvest.
He is.nice and friendly to me know. Not overly, but amicable and i dont like that. After his cruelty to me it comes across as patronizing.
The anger prevents me from getting tricked and exploited. From forgetting what he was capable of.
I remember he used to tell me that i needed to be rude to his mom cause she didnt get it. I wonder if thats what he was doing. Being an a..hole to me, cause i wasnt getting it. And now wants things to be civil and normal cause he got his way. But thats a really bad way to treat someone.
