Thanks. I felt really bad about it though. I didn't break down the whole time, even though she said some seriously hurtful stuff while she was freaking out.
Honestly...I don't know HOW I'm going to make it to the appointment...that takes money. I may figure something out for that, but I dunno.
I'm calling the doctor again Monday to make sure she didn't reschedule the appointment (yes, she would do that). She said that she was going to call them and tell them that she wasn't comfortable with me being there, and she threatened a protective order (literally, the only thing she has for that is that I got upset once and hit MY car, so I don't think she could even get one...except her friend is a cop, so I don't know). I'm not too worried about that.
She said "you say you want to get me back, well THIS isn't how you do it!" and also "I regret having a child with you!".
I know it's just rage. But it [censored] to hear stuff like that. A lot.
first of all it probably feels like you're getting further when you don't stand your ground because she is happier getting what she wants and being able to do what she wants. That is enabling. I wouldn't do that if I were you. as far as the protective order thing goes read through my situation and see where punching a car can get you. Since that already happened and nothing came of it I think you are all set. Don't sweat the hurtful things she has said it's just a defense mechanism to compartmentalize her guilt and crappy emotions for the mean things she's done
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK nailed it. DBing is counter-intuitive. As I said before, her going nuts proves it is working. Women do not get angry when they don't care. After BD I could tell my wife I was banging a different girl a night, and she wouldn't have cared. Hatred is much closer to love than apathy is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think that I get confused because it DOES feel pretty unnatural.
One thing that worries me about all of this (and I'm sure I'm probably looking at this wrong) is that my W tends to react VERY strongly when she's angry about something. She has knee-jerk reactions when she's angry. It's honestly kind of unsettling, and I think that's part of why I feel so crappy when she gets angry, because then she'll go off and do something to try to force my hand.
She mentioned yesterday that she felt like I had backed her into a corner...I told her "you chose to leave, you set up the corners yourself". She's getting angry that she can't simply make me go away (of course not...we have a child together) and make me comply with what she wants.
I basically stood my ground about our S appointment. I said "they want us both there, and whether or not you're comfortable with it doesn't matter. I'm not comfortable with this whole situation. But it's about him, not us. Plus...I'm his father, and I have rights, whether you like it or not."
I'm pretty sure she said all kinds of things to her friends about me, and I know they're all talking about how much I suck. I kinda wish they wouldn't, but it doesn't ultimately matter, and I know that. But I do feel like I'm not just fighting against her...but against her army of supportive, stupid, shallow friends.
I think that I get confused because it DOES feel pretty unnatural.
One reason I harp on cramming DB information to newbies is b/c they cannot rely upon their feelings as a guide. You have certain principles, standards, values, morals, integrity, spiritual/religious beliefs......right? Those are instilled for a reason. They are the guide you use in living your life. However, there are some issues that arise that may seem foreign to you b/c you are not experienced or educated about them. The smart thing to do is seek help from others who are experienced and educated.......and get all the information that's available. It's even smarter to base your decisions on the information you learn, combined with your personal values, etc. You cram, just like you did during your school years and knew you would be tested on what had been covered. Would you take a test where you depended on your feelings to tell you the right answers? I hope not, b/c you would flunk the course subject. And yet, that's what you are doing whenever you say it feels unnatural. It may feel that way b/c you had preconceived ideas of what a man should do to save his M. So, whenever you hear something different to those ideas......it feels unnatural.
Everyone faces things they don't understand, don't like, don't agree with, struggle to accept, etc. You can't stand in the middle of the crisis crying and saying this is not what you want. We get it. It is unfair and it is not what anyone wants, but it is happening anyway. You can be smart and learn the available information......or you can reject it b/c it doesn't feel natural.
I am an emotional person, so I'm not blaming anyone for the feelings they experience. What I am trying to tell you here is that you must stop using a certain feeling as your measuring stick that tells you that you are doing right/wrong actions that will save your M. You have made everything about what your WW wants. Every decision has been based on her wants. If she wants you in the house so many days a month, that's what you do. If she wants you out, that's what you do, too. You were not going to attend the meeting with your child's psychologist b/c your WW did not want you there. You are resembling a puppet on a string, which is not attractive to any W.
It is time you start making decisions for yourself, based on what you are learning.......and stop being led around by your WW's wants. If you don't know what is right or wrong, or which decision to make.......seek help from those who are experienced in that particular area......but stop listening to your WW. She is not going to make wise decisions, and especially not with the M's best interest at heart. I'm sorry, but that's just how it stands, currently. She is going to make decisions based on whatever she wants in the moment.
Sometimes, I make this statement to LBH's, "Stop trying to save your M". I say it b/c men put all their attention and emotions into persuading the W to not get a D. The fear of getting a D builds up until they are paralyzed and can't think. So, my suggestion is to let go. Drop it. Stop trying to save the M, b/c you are making things worse for yourself. Focus on just you and your children. Leave her alone and let her butt with her own head. The more you show your desperation, the less attractive she sees you. Stop telling her you want her, or that you want the M and don't want a D. She knows it, and to continue telling her makes her feel disgusted with you. Don't invite her to go with you back to your other home/state. Don't invite her or arrange for your older children to spend time with her. She fired you as her H, and that means she loses certain benefits.........starting with not spending time with her stepchildren. You can expect her to make very hurtful statements, and jab you everytime something doesn't suit her. Put on your armor. It will get worse, b/c you have acted like her little boy and have let her call the shots for so long.
In this coming week, I hope you will read my threads on the mindset of the WW, if you haven't previously read them. It may enlighten you as to how your W has turned into someone you no longer recognize.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, Sandi. I have read your threads, and honestly...they're brilliant.
I actually stopped telling her that I want her back, didn't want D, etc. a while back. I haven't really backed down on that. I think I'm just getting confused telling what's working and what's not. Probably because (in a perfect world) nice=good screaming=bad.
The previous time I put my foot down with her, she got a LOT more chill, even a little flirty.
It felt good. Then she started opening up.
Then her meltdown yesterday happened.
Funny thing...her family mentioned to me that W believed for years that she has ADHD...which I have, and our S has. But she's denied it, hasn't ever gotten treatment for it...and now accuses me of not having my life together, and doesn't want me in the room with the doctor that's going to help our S with it...I'm thinking she's afraid that the dr is going to point out that she has it, too, and then her entire dialog against me is going to be flipped on it's head.
I think she'd do or say just about anything to keep her mind thinking that I'm wrong.
So...that's a big thing coming up that she's going to have to deal with.
Honestly, this could be interesting. Heh.
She's got a lot of heavy reality to deal with, and it's coming very, very quickly.
I'm not going to be surprised if she tries to reschedule the dr visit and doesn't tell me about it.
So what are your future plans? Have you planned a life without your spouse? I didn't and it almost destroyed me. Do you want her back and is she worth the pain you are going through? When you are an LBS we put ur WAS on a pedestal.I did. And I regret it today. I thought nothing of myself after she filed for a divorce. In my head my life was over. I came here to save my marriage. It didn't work out for me. And I'm glad it didnt. I did not realize how unhappy I was with my wife of 26 years. Don't get me wrong I miss my family. I miss holidays traditions and everything else. I miss seeing my daughter every morning for breakfast and dinner.
I tell you a bit of my story because I know what your are going through. I know the pain and confusion. And most of all the Fear...I survived and so will you....
Future plans? Work. Get out of debt. Get the band playing shows again. Start another band or two. Record an album. Go back to college.
I do have plans, but honestly, I've always had those plans. Even with her here.
It's a lot of pain, absolutely. But yes. I definitely want her back, and to me it's worth all of the pain in the world. Although I'd love to be able to NOT have to hurt. Heh. But I realize that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and when you have to fight, you'll get hurt...even if you win.
I'm wanting her to choose to be with me. I'm not begging her to come back.
