I have long believed that a big part of figuring out what you want in your life, is figuring out what you don't. Perhaps you are an existentialist at heart. You must cast aside everything you believe to be true to create your own existence anew. Kudos to you for having the strength and the courage to do what so many (myself included) could never do.
HaWho - Thank you, I have "felt" a lot during these past few weeks, extreme highs and lows, at times emptiness which I took as having cleared some of the emotional baggage out, I am actually not sure how much, if any, I have let go, I feel ok about things on one level and then feel like nothing has changed on another. I know its a process, and I have most likely gone about dealing with it the hard way, but 4 yrs after BD1 I really did not see myself still feeling this way.
job - thank you for the advice re h, he emailed me again today, just a short message, but kind and funny. More on that later. I know I need to focus on myself and build my own world up, I get frustrated at myself for not seemingly be able to completely dedicate my thoughts to doing it. I look back and see that over the last 4 years I have achieved a great deal, I have survived everything that I threw at myself and that has been thrown at me, I have gathered a few tools for my well traveled (haha) toolbox and yet here I am still feeling the same way. I know it takes time, there is no right way, wrong way yadda yadda yadda, yet I cannot seem to find peace and that effects my emotional state. I hope this makes sense, a lot of rambling!
OwnIt - thank you for your thoughts - I have no clue as to what,why, who and where, everything is a mystery to me. I suppose my life was controlled by my parents, then by my h's career, so having my own thoughts and desires in life wasn't even a consideration, you don't miss what you never had kind of thing. So to be then told to go, be free, find yourself and be happy, well its proving to be a big challenge for me. I thank you for being so kind, I don't consider myself having courage, I see it as aimlessly seeking answers! But thank you.
Coly23 - I have to say that travelling on your own in an incredible experience. You have total freedom to do whatever you want with no one else to please. People have spoken to me as I was on my own, that is something that doesn't happen when your with someone else, you tend to stay in your own group, and the biggest thing is getting yourself over challenges as you have no one else to bail you out, and that for me has been the biggest lesson, I no longer fear doing things and going places on my own ..... although I have yet to conquer the going out for dinner challenge, a cheeky fast food joint doesn't count!
So todays update -
An ex work colleague got in touch with me yesterday to tell me that if things dont work out in South please know I can have my job back. Was really nice to hear this, but its running away again and I left the area for various reasons and if I go back nothing will have changed, so while I have it as a Plan B I want to try and make a go of things here and stop for a while.
Then I got an email from the Supermarket offering me the lowest pay rate that I said I would accept and asking me to reconsider their offer. Its a no brainer really, if I treat it as a breathing space job it answers my immediate problem of cash flow and will give me time to gather myself. Maybe its just what I need while I am still feeling unsettled in myself. Will give me an easy job and get me in to a home and still in the area of s24. So I accepted the job this morning and the contracts are in the post, I hope to start next week. Stacking bread was not what I imagined doing, but then nor was cleaning vomit off the floor, which I found myself doing for my first job, its a job, its income and I am grateful for release of my current stress.
On to the email from H - was a short one, asking if I have a plan b if I cant get work and suggesting a location that I might have more luck in. He said that it is just as cold though and has more hills - which lead him in to his next bit. He then said "talking of hills, Happy Birthday for Friday, at the ridiculously advanced age of 48, you may not be able to do hills for much longer .....
It has been a long standing joke between us forever, he is 3 months younger than I am, so for 3 months of the year I got every old joke thrown at me until his Birthday. I would return it by saying things like - You are only as old as the woman you feel and I think its quite a compliment that I can bag a toy boy for myself.
It did make me smile, its very him and I admit to have an emotional twist in my stomach, the fact he acknowledged it this year (last year he didn't, first time ever} felt a little pang of both awwwww and hmmmmm sigh.
I have replied back, maybe not what I should have said and could be seen as playing a risky game, however, if he is ever going to see me as a friend then the ice has to be thawed somehow.
I wrote a reply about plan b and thanked him for his suggestion, then told him about the job offers I got yesterday. This was all a bit long and rambling, but its how I write and he would be used to it, probably read things in to me just writing one line! Then I said "Well Thank You kindly for the birthday greeting, you enjoy the next few months as I'm coming back at cha, counting the days Mr LouR, counting the days (smiley face)
Got an email from my new work place, I have induction on Tuesday morning and then start work on Wednesday, I am looking forward to having a distraction from my head and having something to do.
h emailed me tonight, he asked about my new job, my living situation and then asked if i can let him know how much he still has left to pay me as he is looking at his finances.
I have replied, kept it very short, answered his questions and then added that he is welcome to text me if he still has my number - his email and my reply would have been a fairly short text.
So good for stepping back for a while and letting him mull the new contact over, this week has been very confusing for me. I am not sure where this is leading; is he heading towards d conversations or just trying to find a way of being friends, he isn't giving anything away, but today's interaction put a knot in my stomach, i am feeling uneasy. That will teach me for poking the fire and igniting an ember huh.
Anyway, I am planning to enjoy my last few days off before I start work again, its been a while since I had to get up in the morning, and this is a 6.30am start job so I will be getting up in the dark ugh, not so keen on cold winter mornings !! I have had a look at houses today, not many around at the moment, but I wont be looking to move for a few weeks, I may as well make the most of the cheap rent I am paying s, although my room does not have heating so I dont want to stay here too much longer.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Good luck with the job! I'm sure you will find it a distraction for a bit. Don't look too far ahead, focus on today, as it is a present, the past gone and tomorrow is the future and one we can't predict. It will unfold the way the man upstairs wants it to unfold.
Enjoy your last few days before starting work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello my love and good luck with the new gig. Yes, remember the vomit clearing job, and how far you've come INTERNALLY.
Re: MrLouR-in-absentia (now known as MaLaRIA, lol) - just take everything at face value to the best of your ability. When your Monkey Mind starts to race, say a mantra or do a quick meditation to keep you in the here and now. If you need a mantra, let me know.
I'm terribly proud of you, Lou! I really, really am! You're AMAZEBALLS as the kiddos say!
xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Remember that low thyroid can cause depression, anxiety, lack of motivation. And thyroid levels can fluctuate even if you're taking your thyroid medication regularly. I'd recheck your levels promptly. TSH should be below 1.
job - thank you, its a start, been here before and will rise again. Actually looking forward to doing something different and been thinking to put less focus on the job I do and more on the life I have outside it.
Bttrfly - My gorgeous friend, mwah mwah to you, thank you for being my cheerleader. I have been in a really dark place lately and coming here and finding such beautiful souls to keep me going is a gift from my angels.
kml - Haha, I can always rely on you and bttrfly to keep me on track with my TSH !! I had my bloods done 3 months ago, just before I left on my travels. It came back the lowest its been in a long time, 2.71, their margins are 0,4 - 4 so I am well in between that and unless it goes over 4 they wont change my dose, I can tell my dr I am not feeling great until I am blue in the face, he just says that my levels are fine and he feels I have had a lot of changes in my life, but as I am continuing to be proactive, I work, I travel I make plans, he does not feel its depression, he feels its purely grieving and adjusting to my new situation. Now I have moved I will be registering with a new Dr, I have 3 months of meds left so will try to get tested just before they run out.
I really do feel that its a case of me facing what has gone on, when he left after BD2 I buried myself in work, I would work extra hours and extra days, I took on so much responsibility that I did not have the space to think about anything else. Then added a man in to the mix just to fill my time away from work( what a crazy few months that was!) so its no wonder that I have had a meltdown, I have had to face reality in all its glory. I knew it had to happen which is why I took the trip, to get it in the open and to stop bottling it up, building like a pressure cooker.
I don't know where life will take me, I do know I am not in the same place (literally ha ha) that I was 4 years ago, I still feel the depth of loss as deeply as ever, but these days I know that nothing stays the same and nor will these feelings, the intensity will fade.
I also know that I have done everything I can as a stander, I have been kind, considerate and accommodating, I have held out the olive branch from time to time so he knows I have not become an Ice Queen and that he is welcome in my world, that it is a safe place. If he doesn't find his way back to me or doesn't want to, then it wont have been through lack of compassion and commitment on my part so I go forward with ease knowing I could and can do no more than I am doing. I hope that we can continue to remain on a level of friendliness, even if its just for our boys.
He is currently still contacting me, an email this morning to which I have replied. I asked a couple of questions in this one, up until now I have not asked anything. Was nothing hard, just asked him about the rugby and how the girls (dogs) are coping with the cold snap we are having. Keeping it simple and letting him tell me what he wants me to know in his own time, be it good or bad.
Been to the beach this morning, -2 but sunny skies. Now just enjoying a cup of tea to warm my hands up and opening some gifts from my g/friends. S21 rang me earlier, he is doing fine and that makes me a happy mama, was lovely to speak to him. I haven't seen s24 yet, he and fiance have gone somewhere for the day in a mad rush, I think it has something to do with the wedding. Oh and bought myself a trifle for dessert, I haven't had trifle in years, saw it and thought why not, treat myself!
Thanks everyone, I don't have the right words to tell you how much it means to me that you are around to tell my ramblings, woes, struggles and triumphs to. We talk about the LBS being the rock for their MLC'er but you guys are this LBS rock, you have weathered many a storm with me and kept me from drowning, so thank you xoxo
