Definitely J. I am at a place where I can have any interaction with her without emotion and expectations. But I think I still have some residual anger left over that's kicking around, and I should get rid of it so that I am more at peace.
Little bits of things like - how could she do this to me and the kids; Imma show her up; and her just completely giving up... these things are still hanging around a bit and it doesn't do me any good to allow them any space in my life.
One of my survival skills was to cut people out of my life. Underlying that was anger, self-protection, and not being able to forgive betrayal. This is similar to that. So, me cutting her out of my life has to come from a different motivation rather than the negative emotions. It's just more positive detachment and not being fazed by what she's done. I dunno if I am making any sense lol.
I still believe anger has a purpose in this process, but at some point, it has to be let go. I think I am reaching a point where I've let go most of it, but I need to say farewell to the last pieces. Just need to figure that out in the next little while.
Hi Maika, just catching up on your sitch. I am sure all of us will play scenarios in our mind of all the what ifs for ages to come, showing Ss their place, them realizing what a huge mistake they have made, R happening dramatically, us being in a place of not wanting them any longer, moving on without them etc but only time will tell I guess. Glad to know you feel the bond between you and the kids is stronger now, at the end of the day we can only hope to have them as unscathed as possible with this whole D debacle.
Thanks Arsh! Yes, the relationship with the kids is the key priority and making sure they're secure, safe, and in a healthy environment. That was my first concern with BD and everything. I have created a good home for them and we spend a lot of quality time together and there is a lot of love. I'd say much more than before because I've become a better parent through this process.
I am in a really good place now. I do still get plagued by little things here and there, but I am able to deal with it quite productively. I know that it's not going to go away completely, but I have control in how I let it affect me and have power over me.
I want to be with someone who is bananas about me and vice versa - through my flaws and weaknesses, but still know that I am worthy and what I have in my awesome column is far more important than my flaws.
I know it's hard to see that you'll get to this place early on, but trust me when you do, it's so liberating because you know what you got is good. And then you improve yourself and it's even better.
Remember - No help is coming! You are on this journey on your own pretty much. It's a DIY scenario. Go grab it by the reins and steer it, rather than the bull taking you where it wants to go.
Sit by V and let me explain a little. Firstly self talk, switch to CHOOSE which is a powerful word. (Can and may closely follow).
Drop the should, would, must and have to.
These words create resistance aka I must do my homework, I should eat healthily. It's the way the mind works.
However choose is a permission word, it gives options. The mind likes optionS.
So I can choose to let go of my anger is going work much better.
That is because your subconscious knows that anger is protective of you and doesn't want to let it go if it is needed to keep you safe. It likes you safe.
Does that make sense?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hey V! Yes, completely agree. I do believe the way you self-talk makes a huge difference. I changed my self-talk for my habits and it has made a big difference. Like - I don't miss workouts, rather than I can't miss workouts.
Yes, I have to choose to let go of the anger and tell myself that. Key distinction. I feel quite healthy lately mentally and so I know I am in a place where I can choose to let go of the anger and move forward fully.
Hi Maika, hope you are having fun GALing. Just wanted to say thanks for suggesting to read up on Benito's thread. Although I couldnt get his entire sitch, the positives listed there added a tiny little bounce to my step. It is a good read for all newbies.
As for my sitch, yes I am trying to get on the bull still, but slowly and steadily I will rein it in and lead it well but for now it keeps throwing me off balance every other day.
I appreciate your interest in my sitch and all the sage advice you have tossed my way. Reading about your own sitch it is clear that successful DBing has very little to do with saving the relationship and everything to do with saving yourself. You are a role model in that for a lot of us.
I actually bookmarked Benito's thread and refer to it regularly as well as another dosis of positive energy. Thank you for sharing that.
In terms of self-talk I couldn't agree any more. I used to mentally beat myself up constantly, sometimes even vocalizing it, to the point that it annoyed my wife. She would tell me, you're not stupid, you're not fat, stop saying that. It was pathetic. And it really does affect your outlook on life. I hope that one day I get to the point where you are now. Regardless of my R, that will be success.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Arsh - yeh GAL'ing is still flowing. It's slowed down a little lately, but it ebbs and flows. It will take some time, but at least you have some concrete steps to take.
Davide - I've also bookmarked Benito's thread lol. There is a lot of good stuff in there. The stark truth is way better for me than meandering around. No help is on the way. Let's pick up the pieces and see what we can make now.
Thanks for the kind words. My DB journey has had its ups and downs, but at least through it I figured out what I want in my life and a romantic relationship.
I am still working on detachment and sometimes small things happen that make me realize, I am not as detached as I think I am. In the moments when I feel less detached and my mind starts gravitating towards some fantasy of being with W, I slap myself out of that by reminding myself exactly why I wouldn't take her back AS IS right now, even if she came begging.
She texted me something about kids next year and how we'll handle the schedule. For a nanosecond, I got a pang in my heart because she wasn't thinking about recon. But as soon as that hit, I reminded myself that I am not taking her back any ways and that if she wanted to come back, there is a helluva lotta stuff that needs to happen.
Long point short - I am not out of the woods yet. But, it gets better every single day. And my success is not based on whether we recon or not.
Yeah self-talk is key. I improved mine significantly and not only do you change how you think about yourself, people can actually see that in your demeanour and confidence. You'll get there. Time + consistent action will get you there.
Maika, you haven't talked so much about what your wife is up to in recent posts. Do you know anything about her current state? Is she living alone? Does she seem happy? I'm just curious because it's so odd that she hasn't fluctuated or showed signs of reconsidering as many here seem to describe of their spouses long after BD.
In any case, it's great that you feel you're improving and getting to a better place. I'm curious to see what will happen if you decide to file for divorce. It seems like either way things will get better and better - either your wife will wake up and will finally do the hard work or you'll get divorced and be ready for an amazing new relationship. I talk in my post about my reservations about dating or meeting someone new but you sound like someone who can go out and easily connect with great women and navigate the dating the scene.
I'm also curious since you've mentioned being somewhere from South Asia (I assume) - what is your parents' role in everything that's been happening?
