Separated - love W- is she taking advantage? help!

[Did]

Cadet could you change this thread to: Letter to my WOW- Thoughts?

Post:

I have been way too accommodating since the separation and an enabler. No wonder you think of me as a friend and dont act respectul or attracted. I am taking my balls back. I believe a separation was justified and in the best interest of both of us, and Ariel, it definitely woke me up. Im a great dad and a much better man than I was. Thank you for that. I believe we are very compatible and we would both be lucky to have a second chance at a relationship and a new marriage. I have made mistakes since the separation and so have you. I accept what has happened. I forgive you for what has happened since June and I forgive myself for my mistakes during our marriage. I respect all aspects of myself strengths and weaknesses, something I definitely could not have said a year ago. I know you may be having a hard time or be scared or lonely, anxious etc. And I have asked you for emotional support over the past months. But, I will not be a plan B or safety net anymore. I can not emotionally support you and we can not be so attached if we are not working on our relationship. We can of course be that support for each other in every way if we choose to work on our relationship. I can be financial support short term as I have promised. I can not control you and I am not trying to. Since I do not want to get divorced at this time and hope to get to a place where we are working together on our relationship I will offer the following.

We are going to split our finances now or asap. I will give you $1000 mo and once you get your place it will be $1000 plus rent (Also I am paying, health insurance and life insurance for you which is about $200). If there are expenses for Ariel that come up we can discuss. Ideally your rental coincides with our house sale and getting $45,000 each in profit and if you need more than that for utilities etc you can use a little bit of your own money (I am not asking you to use all this money as your savings for potential separate lives). I stand by my word of paying for your place. This means you give me all the credit cards and do not put any money on the cards amazon automatic payments etc. I understand this may not be as much money as you want. But its the most I can afford and I honestly cant afford it long term. If I am paying you $2300 per month plus my $1800 housing that is $4100 mo going up from current housing expense of $2700 which was almost too much at Sharp. To afford that ($4100) I would need to earn $12,300 per month which unfortunately I do not.

You need see what its like to be on your own. You left me (no blame just fact) and you will not you have your cake (me / family time) and eat it too anymore. If you want our family that includes me as your man: romantically, passionately, emotionally, sexually and intimately. It would be very different than our previous relationship and if you choose to pursue us, that is up to you when youre ready to make that decision.

I understand what its like in your living environment between you and your mom. Im sorry youve been stuck there for a year. Even though its beautiful the material stuff like the land or house arent what control happiness. Ive learned a ridiculous amount since we ve separated. And recognize so many mistakes from our and my past. If you want to talk about it at some point you can ask, not our previous relationship but what weve learned from it and the future. I dont want to talk about past mistakes I want to talk about future solutions. I dont want to get divorced. I want you to be happy and be able to work on yourself. So I hope you accept my offer. The only way we will reconcile is if we both are strong, stable, healthy and happy individually. Thats when we could potentially have a good marriage and relationship with each other or someone else.

I recognize the codependent relationship we had in our marriage and why it was toxic. We are both at fault in very different ways. I am not a finished product. I am going to continue working on myself and that is where my focus is. Working on myself and being the best dad for Ariel. I believe I have been behaving in a way that is called mr nice guy syndrome. I have issues just like every other human, I am working on myself. I have things I am going to be working on improving changing and that is my focus.

One other note. I do not want to hear anything about you and another man. I am not your gay friend and never will be. I am your husband. You will respect me whether you come back to me or not. If you want to divorce or try to piece together our marriage and potentially reconcile get remarried that is your decision. I have no control over you and hopefully you understand with the financial support you dont feel controlled. I hope this doesnt upset and instead allows you to feel free to have space, time, the ability to feel and make your decisions. I will try to be patient and work on myself and I will always be there for Ariel. Remember to smile, no matter what happens Im thankful, were lucky and we have an amazing daughter, shes incredible because shes half of each of us.

Your husband

[Cadet]

First of all STOP using contractions with the apostrophe and your posts will stop disappearing.

Read the disappearing posts thread.

Second - DO NOT SEND the above letter to your wife.

I changed the title to it and the remainder of this thread.

[ovrrnbw]

Yea holy cow do not send that letter to your spouse.

[Did]

Ok no letter, what a waste of time... Thank you. I was ready to give up a week or two ago and was pushing for mediation. I had been trying to do it alone and I'm seeing that I have made a ton of mistakes. Then came across this forum and read DB, starting No More Mr Nice guy and DR.

Just now she texts me I hope you guys had a nice day. And sleep well. We normally exchange texts like this. I had our daughter for the weekend. I haven't been texting nearly as much, mostly one word answers. I just said thanks you too.

I told her I could be the strong one a rock she could count on. I told her I would get her a rental. Should I push for splitting finances and let her feel how it would be for her to live on her own? Should I allow her to continue having our cc and checking account? She spends almost no money.

I work late 4-5 days per week so visit at her parents where she's living to see my 3 year old daughter regularly. I try to see her every day if possible or every other day. W and I don't talk much but are around each other a lot. Is this too much interaction?

We have done meals together as a family occasionally. We usually meet at the YMCA and walk our daughter in to school together then weightlift at the gym during that hour we are both fit... cut all that?

Searching for ways to get her respect and attraction back. I will just focus on pulling back rather than communicating.

Is there any way to contact Sandy2? Thank you all for your time. Back to reading.

[mtb1981]

Jesus Christ, dude... will you marry me? The amount of money you are giving her each month is more than I make in a month. Did you forget that she was the one that wanted to leave you? You said you were not going to be her Plan B, but how are you not when you are completely funding her getaway? Do not be her doormat. And to put it bluntly.... get your balls back from her...

[Did]

I dont mind blunt. No need to apologize.

What am I supposed to do? I can get her rental and she can keep cc and bank account. She spends like no money. Or I can start divorce process to protect myself even though its not whats I want. If we D she get a half of everything and 40 percent of income in PA thats the average. SHe left a year ago. We were talking about Divorce settlements a few weeks ago and she asked for 3500 per month. I said thats too much and contacted a mediator. Mediator recommended therapist. We saw therapist W cried half the time cant talk about the relationship. Said she needs time to heal and cant do that in current living situation. Ive tried to just give time but she thinks Im controlling stuck in her parents house etc.

I was pushing for mediation and trying to accept everything before getting on this board and working DB. Now were barely talking which is ok I guess. I want R not D but seems like a lost cause. I know I have a bright future ahead. I can make more money. Im sure what Im doing isnt the best for me but I want her happy and healthy and then chance to R. She has nevertheless had someone she can count on even her parents. I cant see a better option. Help? Thanks

[Cadet]

I want her happy and healthy and then chance to R.

She has to do that on her own without your help or comment.

You work on being quiet with your lips zipped, making yourself into a person only a fool would leave.

[Did]

Thanks Cadet. Ive said a lot on this forum but almost nothing to W. She invited me over for pancakes just now. Heading over. Will be calm cool quiet attractive focus on our daughter. Wish me luck

[Davide]

Cadet is right. That is her journey. Not yours.

That said, if you dont want a D then do not file. Certainly do not do it for her.

[mtb1981]

What am I supposed to do? I can get her rental and she can keep cc and bank account. She spends like no money. Or I can start divorce process to protect myself even though its not whats I want. ? Thanks

You're forgetting the third option. Separate finances and let her go off and do her thing without help from you. If she wants a D and you don't, let her do all the work towards that. But you need to understand that you can't buy her love. She can find her own place and pay her own rent. Welcome to the real world, W. In the beginning, we all think we can give our W's what they want and show them how nice and great we are and they'll change their mind and come back. It won't work. You can't nice her back.

Im sure what Im doing isnt the best for me but I want her happy and healthy and then chance to R. She has nevertheless had someone she can count on even her parents. I cant see a better option.

You're right. It's not the best for you. And it's not the best for your chance to R either. You need to understand that she doesn't want to count on you right now. If she did, she would come back and want to work on things, but it doesn't seem like that is what she wants. She does want your financial support though, just not you with it. You need to show her what life is like without you. The reality of what she thinks she wants. Like they say, let her go, work on yourself, and become a person only a fool would leave...