Acc...on the reply to her email...I was at work so she felt she had a captive me.
Also NO WAY did I buy into the crap she was saying. My LOL was my instant reaction to that craziness. She definitely pushed HARD saying "you are not a victim as you make it out"...um, yeah I completely am! Stander has given some comments on what to say in terms of not playing. She also was talking about judges not thinking we're working together and how that would be a problem. Like she was already putting together paperwork and we got a long way before she can even file. It was crazy and fury from her.
When she tries this stuff should I calmly but firmly keep saying this is YOUR decision, you need to own this? I will definitely not remind her of being willing to work on it. Amen to your last paragraph. I swear I wish you had like a bat phone when stuff with her popped off! Thank you!
And just like that I get an email with her using my first name. highlights to me in her mind the process of us becoming more formal and her moving away. it triggers me I admit, but I'll just address the subject regarding my D and move on.
ballast, likely she knows that triggers you and is using it to manipulate you. Reminds me of the scene in The Waterboy where he is reading the letters to his mom from his dad that ran off with another woman. The greetings got more and more formal until the last one read "To Whom It May Concern". WWs can be very hurtful. Somtimes it is in purpose, sometimes it is because they just don't care.
Good job on coming here to vent instead of showing your cards to her. I would ignore her emails related to working on the D. Eventually she will confront you verbally about it and you can explain to her that you are against the D and therefore want no part in it. Trust me that will make a bigger impression on a judge than working together on it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think more the reason is that she truly feels she's moving to D and so has become more formal. I don't think it's to be hurtful, but eh who knows. of course yesterday when she was "very sad" no formalities, just as if we were still H/W.
Also by D I meant daughter in this case. So it's a quick ok, will do, but I will keep your info on the other D for future reference.
Acc I should add...over the phone logs she said I'm more done than ever and I'm sure I'm making the right decision...really trying to hammer me with it...even though it was complete crap. oh and don't talk to my family about it either...control of the narrative she is trying to maintain although they have long known she's done nothing.
Pffft. Accusing you of seeing others was crazy-making. It is a no-win situation for you and the best response is to dismiss it. Once again, remember that right now she wants out and does not want to be the bad guy, so she's going to invent reasons that she is the victim here, and then seek *any* evidence that will support that. Calls I don't recognize on the phone bill? He must be cheating on me. Therefore, I'm the victim and am in the right to leave, he did this to me.
^^^YUP^^^
Quote:
The other thing to be aware of is that cheaters are paranoid. When people start cheating and sneaking around, they begin to worry that everyone is doing that, and they can also project their own guilt onto you. If they're doing it, it can be okay if you're doing it too, or if you did it first, or if you did it worse.
Absolutely. I've mentioned this before but it's been a while- a coworker of my ex had a cheating husband. Her attitude about it was to bury her head in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening, she didn't want to rock the boat. But he became so paranoid that he convinced himself that SHE was having an affair, and he actually demanded that she get tested for STDs before he would have sex with her again! How rich is that? AND SHE DID IT!!!! She never even talked to anyone else outside of work, meanwhile he was banging who knows how many sleazeballs.
Originally Posted By: ballast
with her saying how sad she was yesterday we couldn't work, no lie I'm wanting to say to her "we don't have to be done, there is much time for us that remains"
That is EXACTLY what she wants to hear, but not for the reasons you are hoping. She wants you to say it so she can BD you all over again and put you on the back burner. You say that and congrats, you cinched your position as Plan B for the foreseeable future.
And just like that I get an email with her using my first name. highlights to me in her mind the process of us becoming more formal and her moving away. it triggers me I admit, but I'll just address the subject regarding my D and move on.
I wish I could post that meme of Tony Stark rolling his eyes Look at you go, spinning out of control all over again because what, she called you by your first name? DUDE! Detach! Let go! GET OUT! GAL!!!! She is going to say and do ALL KINDS of stuff you don't like or even hate. Get used to it, that's where she is right now. Next month or in 6 months or a year she may be a completely different person, but for now your W has been replaced with this crap version that barely resembles who you knew.
Agree with AS -- you're telling us how when you're interacting with W you're detached, not taking her bait, etc. but what you're focusing on here betrays your state of mind, and if we can see it, I guarantee she can too. 90% of communication is non-verbal.
You're way off the rails here. You're taking the way she chooses to address an email, and you're using it to draw conclusions about her state of mind, her future intentions, and what course your life will take from here forth.
Why are you giving her so much power over you?
It shouldn't matter if she addresses the letter to ballast, The Great Satan, or Blueberry Muffin Man. Who cares? You're living your life, you're doing your thing. Her labels don't concern you. Her state of mind doesn't concern you. You don't care if a judge thinks you're working together or not.
You don't care if she's done or not.
Let me say that again -- you don't care if she's done or not.
That's the attitude you need to assume, and if its not authentic act as if until its real.
Your view on this needs to be "go do your thing, W, do what you need to do in order to find happiness. I'm going to live an amazing life. If you want to be part of it in the future, we'll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well"
You shouldn't say that to her directly, but everything about the way you react to her and respond to her should say that for you.
Don't be rude, don't be dismissive, don't be passive aggressive or antagonistic, just be uninvested.
If you had a crazy cat lady for a neighbor, you wouldn't care if she called you Rambo or Sunny Jim. It wouldn't make any difference to your day beyond maybe a moment of amusement. You certainly wouldn't alter your thinking about your future because of it.
If the crazy cat lady fell down her front stairs, you might help her stand up, make sure she didn't break anything, and then you'd go about your day and by dinner time you might forget that happened today. That's what we're talking about. W is now your crazy cat lady. She's in your life because you see her from time to time, but she's not driving your emotions whatsoever.
Easy to say, hard to do. How do you get there? You DB:
GAL Act-as-if 180
That's it.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So Acc/AS who 2x4'd me above and deservedly so, THANK YOU! I'm an analytical type guy, she knows this and for sure changes up just to F with me.
Thankfully I do see W very little now such that I really can detach in terms of not contacting her, my GAL really is going well and act as if when I do see her. The reason for the power I give her over me is my fear of being twice divorced. In my mind I analyze every little thing along with her personality and fears of being twice D'd to cause me to say the things I do like the whole use my name on the email deal.
BUT today crazy girl was back. When she came to get D she said not a word. I had said thank you for an order she made for me. She said "I have nothing to say to you...keep texting" and left. Guys when I first came here and started reading about WWs I was like "OMG...thankfully my W ain't like that" but now as she has to me just flippin' lost it I'm still shocked I think. Thing is with that level of dysfunction, possible cheating, random crazy about me cheating, how long she could be spaced out, what's left IF she comes back, how do you recover through all that destruction she'll have left, why would I want to...honestly a HUGE part of me now is like being twice D'd ain't looking bad at all. I loved the woman I married total/done forever, I have a beautiful, happy, innocent D who deserves me given this MR every chance so she can have a family but my God at what cost? To endure what seems like borderline insanity from W, maybe it really is best to just say the H with this.
At minimum her comment tonight showed me she's lost it. As she's now gone to me so crazy, it's like she's actually enabled me to say the H with you woman. D and a new future looks MUCH more appealing than dealing with her crazy A any longer than I have to. I'm just pretty speechless. Happy that I'm going to see an L tomorrow. There is another exp member here starts with 25, I had seen a great post from them on living as if you'll be getting divorced. As nutty as W seems now, I'm going to invest heavily in the advice I found in 25's post while just letting W go and be my crazy cat lady. To somehow see ANY chance of an R with a W that will have an S'load of baggage if/when she ever comes out of wherever she is now, sitting here having a hard time seeing the investment of effort being worth it.
AS/ACC again you speak truth, I spoke crazy, just truly...I don't know how ANY man gets back a WW nor honestly why would they want to and AS has told me she's only getting started. Is there not some official mental health study on this WW stuff? If not, there should be.
Is there not some official mental health study on this WW stuff? If not, there should be.
No kidding...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
So it's a quick ok, will do, but I will keep your info on the other D for future reference.
Look at you go, spinning out of control all over again because what, she called you by your first name? DUDE! Detach! Let go! GET OUT! GAL!!!! She is going to say and do ALL KINDS of stuff you don't like or even hate. Get used to it, that's where she is right now. Next month or in 6 months or a year she may be a completely different person, but for now your W has been replaced with this crap version that barely resembles who you knew.