Yes, I would advise as people are implying here -- don't try to do something to influence her behavior or choices. You have a long haul ahead of you. You probably don't believe that. I didn't either. But you have to keep repeating to yourself like a mantra that nothing you do can change her or bring her back. You can do things to drive her further away but she will only come back when she plays out her fantasy and hits rock bottom. You can wait for the resurrection of your marriage, that is what I am doing and it has been five years. But you have to accept its death as quickly as you can so that you can find all the joy in your life that you can, so you can provide fun and happiness for your kids, etc. I think we all take a long time to accept the reality of the situation, and we all regret the time we wasted obsessing over what the MLCer is doing, saying, thinking. I find it much easier to accept an in-home MLC spouse through my faith; if you don't have faith, it is I think harder because it's extremely difficult and you can't keep assuring yourself that you can do it with God's help because it's what God wants. But I personally think it is better for the kids to have both parents there if you can manage to keep being happy and strong for your kids.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Im finding it really hard today. The W has not done too much house work this week, not even done the kids pack ups. Its drivingbme crazy and i just vented out to her.
Not good. I want to stay in the same house as my kids, but we are both finding it difficult. I need to start composing myself, im finding it hard to detach.
W has mentioned that we may have to sell the house because our situation is not working. She complaining about my 180's, im playing with kids more often and not being grumpy or angry.
What am i doing wrong?
Here parents lent us 30k to buy this house, she keeps goading me that i owe them this money.
MLC was one of the most difficult situations I have faced so what you are feeling is normal- this is hard You may be doing everything right but your Wife still needs to justify her affair so she will see your 180s as wrong don't let her be the judge of what you are doing-\ We do this work for us In the end, yes it helps her it helps the kids and everyone else but it may not bring them home, and MLC takes a long time so continue doing you- This is out of your hands, her responses or how bad a mother and she is right now do your part, do her part for the kids as best you can- and take care of you- this is temporary and if you continue trying to work on you, only THE BEST will come back to you in one way or another hang in-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I have been carrying out sandi's rules. But she was saying last night, that she feels like i'm smothering her. I'm GAL and giving her as much space as possible, I don't stay in the same room as her, if she's downstairs i go upstairs with the kids.
scoobs7, I understand what you are going through and I am sorry. Please know that what you are feeling is normal.
You asked - What am I doing wrong?
Try not to look at this as what are you doing right or wrong. In her mind it is mostly all wrong, then maybe some right, then back to wrong. You get the idea. Heck somehow I was wrong for the furnace vent blowing air on to W and making her feel cold.
As peacetoday said, you could be doing everything right and W will see it as wrong. She needs to do that, to justify what she is doing.
Hopefully you can see that the question you are asking yourself is - What am I doing that W thinks is wrong? Try not to look at it that way. Do not let her judge your actions. You judge your own actions. (btw I found that pretty darn tough at the beginning)
So if you start asking the question - What am I doing (right / wrong)? And you answer it for yourself. You will do the right thing. You will do right for your kids. You will do right for scoobs7.
Focus on you and your kids. You will do the right things for the right reasons.
Hang in there, I know how difficult this is. Post, ask questions, vent, whatever it takes.
We are here for you.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Scoobs, maybe you should read my posts -- my H has a lot of the same wacky ideas about money, in fact way way wackier. He wants us to sell our house, which is also a rental business, because he doesn't think he should have to work. He stopped helping out with anything at all about five years ago -- I mean, he doesn't even take out the trash. He hasn't given me a penny for our kids this whole time and has left me with all our debts and still asks me for money constantly. And yet despite all that keeps saying that I am "keeping him" from what is rightly his, his half of our house's equity and hates me for it, says I control everything, etc.
The point is, ALMOST NOTHING SHE SAYS IS TRUE. But you doubt yourself so you think that you should listen and try to see her point of view. What we are all trying to tell you is that you will have to detach in a huge way. A friend told me to think of my H as a talking doll -- e.g., the doll plays a set series of responses depending how you shake it or stand it up or sit it down, etc. You wouldn't take any of those things as "truth," or really let it concern you, even if it was a cute doll and had to be present at your child's b-day parties. I am waiting for my H and want to restore our M, but I still find this metaphor to be really helpful when I get confused or think there is no way I can do this. I have been doing something completely impossible for five years now. I read your posts and you sound like you have not detached even a tiny bit. You have expectations of your W to do things around the house, to do her fair share, to treat you with kindness. She has an OM! That is a sign that she does not care at all about what is fair, just, true, right, etc. She has no moral compass and sets no value on your convenant.
All you can do is detach and enjoy your life without her, and forgive her when she returns. If you can't do that, then you have to choose separation. There is no other option and no way out, you are not going to get anywhere thinking how crazy it is or how wrong or unfair. It is all those things, and all you can do is accept it and choose to stand for your marriage or don't accept it.
If you have any religious leanings, I highly recommend Rejoice Ministries. I couldn't have waited even a month without that, and I have been waiting five years. Living my own life as best as I can, but not "moving on" in terms of trying to divorce and find a new mate.
Sending you love and support and a great big virtual scissors so that you can cut that rope, drop that rope, detach, detach, let her go, focus on you, love your kids, find out what joys life has that have nothing to do with your W, as hard as it is to do that and still keep a corner of your heart open for her.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
By the way, knowing how property would be divided has helped me detach and feel strong about what is actual possible. Anything you have as a married couple, including money from her parents or a yellow washcloth she likes, it's all community property and would have to be split. I don't believe in divorce but looking at what the law requires helped me to be clear when my H said crazy things like what your W is saying.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Yes, I am finding it hard to detach as we still live in the same house together. I don't want to leave my kids. Plus the mortgage on the house is very high and both our incomes cover it.
Everytime she wants to go out (meet the OM). She texts me to ask if its ok. Is she taking the mickey. Then while shes leaving, she says bye to me.
Do i just let her go to the OM. If i tried to stop her, would it not push her more towards him?
She is looking to you as her "father/authority" figure. Keep in mind that she's acting out like a teen and when that happens the spouse becomes the authority figure that they tend to rebel against.
I would just leave her be. The more you try to stop her from seeing the OM, the more she will be determined to do so.
I know it's difficult, but try to keep the focus on you and your family, as you are the only adult in the house at the moment.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
