The posters that come on to this forum are usually distressed, abused, depressed souls that have been badly rejected, lied to, and betrayed.
Occasionally we get some manipulative narcissists on here whose spouse is suddenly onto them and their manipulation. They pretend or truly believe they too have been rejected and discarded. I believe they come here to get validation from us. Very smart. We are suckers and we will empathize and offer support. Even teach them more manipulative tactics to get back their spouses who have become wiser. (You did this amd used said techniques before on her) They come right to the source. Very clever.
I think you are very clever. You come on here admitting that you did wrong, but then cleverly paint this picture of a depressed spouse that must have been difficult to live with. Poor thing. It must be her mental state. Not the fact that you lied, betrayed, cheated, and ficked with her mind.
Did you ever think her depression and moods could gave been amplified by the gaslighting and lies that you had to have implemented in order to have an affair. Oh wait, AFFAIRS.
Do you know what it is like to be gaslighted by the person you trusted and were committed to? Its sole purpose is to make you question your own sense of sanity. And you are on here bringing up her depression and sanity issues? She took care of you when you were sick? You on the other hand cheated and gaslighted when she was sick!
I think theres more then meets the eye with you. Your own daughter doesnt want you with her for a reason. I suspect you are the toxic one.
But heres the question...
Why do you want this marriage now? You havent beem committed. Why suddenly do you want committment?
What will not make you cheat on her again. What is different about you this time?
Im the 1st person to admit that I am the reason foe her depression. I have never once tried to deny that. I wronged her. I know this. Does this make me skum, bad person? Maybe so. But up until that EA I was not a bad person. I messed up big time and afterwards I didnt help. I blame myself for this mess that im in. I love my wife very much. If I could take back every second of that EA I would. But I cant. I can only appologize and change for the better.
Ny EA caused her depression. Im not painting a picture of myself as a good one. This was my fault. I own all of this. Im the 1st to admit I messed my M up. I learned a valuable lesson in life after that EA. Thats not who I am. I was never a cheater.
I think Michelle Weiner Davis' books would be great reads for you.
For me, they kept me holding on to a toxic situation i should have let go of earlier. But i think they offer wonderful advise on realistic marriages and relationships.
Definitely read them.
Why do you want to be in this marriage? Is it because it is convenient to not have to leave your home and life?
Do you believe in committment through thick and thin?
The 1st thing I did, was put myself in her shoes. That shed a whole new picture for me. I regret not doing that sooner. Had I done that 2 years ago I might not be posting on this board today. I know for a fact that I would never have anytype of affair again. Thats a giving to me. That went against belief I ever had and still mad at myself over it. I 100% believe in commitment. I want my marriage, not for myself, but because I do believe in love. Its not a convience thing. I have been selfish for way too long I think. I should have always put her 1st and I dont think I did. I made my own bed. I truly believe people can change. I wasnt a bad person by any means, just my priorities were not where they should have been. I can not change the mistakes that I made in the past, im done trying to change them, but I can change myself. I just think in her eyes its too late. I dont know if I should back off completly or keep trying. I am 100% different then I was 1 year ago. I truly feel this. Once I started putting myself in others shoes it changed my life and outlook. I just wish it wasnt too late.
PGP, you also need to prepare yourself for the worst. That is what detachment and GAL are all about. Ironically, preparing yourself for the worst sometimes has the side-effect of getting your WAW to change her mind and comeback, but it is no guarantee.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Nov 2016 My wife checked herself into a mental hospital for 3 days. She had a ton of issues dealing with my previous EA. they diagnosed her with BIPOLAR and Depression disorder and she is now medicated. Feb of 2017 was the last time my wife and I had a sexual relation.
Can you elaborate on this a bit? Did it come up in her treatments that this was somehow caused by your EA? If so then I'm guessing there was more happening than just the EA, is that the case?
Also why did the sex stop?
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1 week after surgery she tells me she wants a divorce. she understands that neither one of us can afford to move but says she is thru with this relationship. All because stupid me failed to talk about my EA.
Are you assuming it's because of the EA or did she say that was the reason?
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My question is, is this the walk away wife syndrome? and if so, does the last resort technique help with this?
Well she is a WAS, but it's hard to say why. It could stem from your previous actions, or it might be her mental illness, or it could be the medication she's now taking for her mental illness, or a combination of these, or even something else like onset of menopause. But regardless, DB'ing is your best chance. One thing to keep in mind that she is done right -now- and will keep saying that if you ask, but in a few months or a year or more she may very well change her mind. So quit asking and give her time and space.
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I have dug deep in my soul and have been trying to change every wrong doing that I ever have. I cant apologize enough on what i done back then and I feel awful.
Have you apologized to her? Don't continue to apologize over and over, but you should offer one real, heartfelt apology.
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she just gets angry when we talk about the relationship.
Which is why you should stop bringing it up.
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Do I totally shut myself down right now? do I back way off and not talk to her at all?
No, read Sandi's rules, that is how you should act around her. Don't be cold or rude, just -lovingly- back off and give her space.
I think the dynamic here is different then the typical give space, GAL,go dark.
Most women take issue with lack of intimacy, feeling that the husband is never around. Etc. Remember. His wife is not like most of the wives here. She didnt cheat. She is responding to his cheating.
If i had an ex that was ignoring me to have an affair, and then i had enough. Threatened to leave. And he was spending all his time on his hobbies and minimizing interaction with me it would further my detachment.
He might need to look more at 180s and love languages.
What is her love language. What was she not getting enough of in your relationship? Time? Service? Gifts? Etc.
