Organic Blue Sky

[DnJ]

HaWho, Wow what a ride.

I am so impressed with how you cope with all the crazy that ex has and continues to bring into your and your kids lives. To me you are someone who accepts that his MLC has to go forward, like a river. You cannot stand in direct confrontation and stop it, you redirect it, and you barricade at places for protection.

I do feel for your kids. Mine got blasted with waaay too much information. They are older, but is a lot to process for them. And yes they were angry.

They cannot unhear what they have heard, or unknow certain things that may have been better unrevealed. I think the best we can do is to work with what has happened to promote understanding and healing. And IMO you are doing that very well.

I am glad you have a good L. She sounds very competent and much better than your exs L.

You exh still sounds very much the bully and controlling. Stay strong.

[HaWho]

Andrew - yes! It does feel good. Unfortunately, I know he cannot handle being told what he can and can't do. So there will be backlash.

Job - yes, lots and lots of acting out. And by involving the kids he plays dirty pool. Very sad. I will be careful. Thank you for the concern.

DnJ - yep, it has been quite a wild ride. Sometimes I remember things and I am just shocked by what I have experienced. Last week I was at s's game. I was looking down reading something as the game had not started. In a huge crowd I heard jingling keys I knew were my ex's. Sure enough, I look up and yes, it's him. And it brought me back to his hardcore replay days and how I'd hear those keys at all hours of the night when he returned. Gosh! Did I really live through all that?

Ownit - I know! Where is his revolving door of girlfriends? He spent so much time telling me every woman wanted him so where are they all?!? Can you imagine if he is still sitting in a stinky room wallowing away?

Gordie - thanks for the nice post. Regarding my mental health, I'm told by close friends and family that I am doing really, really well. My sister who knows me through and through says she sees the glimmers of the me before this all rocked my world.

Sometimes I feel shocked by all that happened. I witnessed so much craziness. Recently I told a friend just a few snippets and she was speechless. I've known her a few years (but we're not so close) and she said she could never have guessed that was happening to me in those years.

My takeaway is that I'm here for a reason. I see now that there were signs that he had issues. I had my own for sure. I am conflict avoidant, have weak boundaries and I am a fixer: where's that hole in the Titanic? I am sure I can plug it!

The rose colored glasses are off and I see that he always had really poor coping skills. Once, early in our m we had a small argument. And he took off for a long while into the wee hours of the morning. I was shocked at the over reaction; it was so disproprotionate to what was warranted. It was ridiculously immature and selfish. It was foreshadowing. He was PA and that certainly worsened over time.

So slowly, slowly, ever so gradually, I learned to tamp out fires before they even started. I knew he would over react so I did x and y to appease. And he was always afraid of aging. He was grossed out by it. He had issues getting along with people for the long haul. He was always mad at someone for some silly reason. Sometimes he cut good people out of his life for years. I watched that and deep down I knew if he could do that to those people he could do it to me as well. He was more tumultuous than I ever wanted to admit. Many, many people (even in his own family) said I was too patient with him.

So from that, I will learn to strengthen my boundaries, stop fearing conflict and stop trying to fix stuff. That's why I am here...

[Gordie]

I am glad you are in a good mental state

I worry about you

Given your H s emotional assault

On you and your boys

Amazing what you said about the people in his life

I have recently realized

W has always had deep deep deep b f f s

They share a deep and real connection and share everything

These b f f relationships are intense lasting about 5 to 10 years each

And then they have some falling out and never speak to one another again

I am the only person who has been in her life this long

[bttrfly]

HaWho, Happy Mother's Day and thank you for posting. You sound like you are doing very, very well in the midst of ongoing MLC crazy. Yes, please do take Job's advice and be aware. Don't live your life around it, but be aware.

I'm so very glad you kept the texts and your lawyer used it in court. I'm sorry your boys are being subjected to this insanity. All you can do is be truthful, be yourself, continue to be the caring, loving mother you've always been.

much love,
B

[Brubeck]

Hi HaWho,

It's nice to hear from you. I hate that your sitch is progressing this way, but at least it's progressing. No more dorm room. No more up close & personal paranoia, no more taking his dinner off alone after you and your boys eat.

I wonder for the reasons why XH tries to maintain a daily presence with you despite having moved out. Maybe he wants to fluster you during D proceedings, maybe he needs to continue projecting that you are the source of his anger because he isn't as happy as he expected. Whatever it is, it's just more MLC survival gear still at work on his part.

Two things you just spoke of mirrored my sitch. I have 95% of my D settlement wrapped up. There was a tax detail that took one week to clarify. When that info arrived, STBXW asked me to verify it. Then, she started her MLC babbling - she was really trying to find out if the full settlement needed to be dealt with. She probed so I would repeat all bullet points that the L's agreed on only a week before. It was as if she never read the settlement.

What happens to these MLCers? You figure that they would at least pay attention to their own Ls, who are helping them to be free - but crazy people don't know they're crazy, and depression robs anyone of memory and focus.

You have a natural reaction to the "jingling keys", because I have the "bunk bed creak". STBXW sleeps in the kids room, and whenever she rises, there's a creaking sound. Sometimes it's the signal that she's going to start a huge fight with me or with the kids, or to grab her purse and disappear for hours without saying a word. When I hear it, I pray she's just going to the bathroom or to the kitchen. I hate that sound.

I think the realizations you are having now about your past relationship issues are genuine ones. Had this arrived in the middle of the in-house MLC craziness, you'd just be accepting his gaslighting. There are no more fires for someone else to tamp out, he's got to twist and wander in the wind.

If your kids are getting angry about this, they obviously see Dad is not all together - no matter how hard he tries to be fun loving guy. I bet he continues his PA crap through them.

I don't feel right to say congratulations to you for enduring this. Nor can I say good for you, or that-a girl. There's no celebration for continuing to survive a rollercoaster without a seat belt. You sound as centered as someone can be in this situation, more than myself.

[HaWho]

Thanks Gordie and Bttrfly for the posts.

Brubeck, yours is a tough one because your live-in monsters quite a bit. I hope she has settled a bit?

Job, you will get a kick out of this as you always loved his communicating via notes.

Last week a handwritten letter was delivered to me via S12. It was left on the counter and addressed in my street name not in my name. Ahh, very mature; another one of his great notes coming my way.

Inside are 2 numbered bullet points. 1 is that my AAA card has been renewed and ex leaves me the card. (Not sure how this happened as I separated myself off the AAA policy months ago. And I categorically told AAA I don't want to combine policies. A phone call is due to them to unravel what happened.

This one is for Mleigh. When my Costco card recently expired I renewed it and put my coworker who loaned me the car on as co-member. I wanted to thank her for the car loan, she does not make a lot of money and yet is one of the most generous people I have ever met.

So bullet point 2 came in the form of a demand, a put down and a threat all in 1. Ex wrote "put me back on the Costco card. X coworker is not on the payroll." (Guess he is implying I AM on his payroll.) Then he threatened "you don't really want me to remove you from all my cards, do you?" (Not sure he is aware that we are very close to separating all that and yes, I do want that! Hence my lawyer.)

We still have joint access to our 2 bank accounts as we settle things financially so looks like he threatening to remover me. Good luck on that as everything we do right now is under a miscrocope.

I waited a day or two thinking how to answer. I showed it to a few girlfriends and we all had a good laugh over it. It was particularly funny as I just discovered x did have a secret bank account. He emptied it one week before telling me he wanted a D. And now here he is insisting I put him on my Costco card. The level of entitlement is stratospheric.

And, it's just bizarre that he files for D, renews my AAA, wants to be on my Costco card and wants to be able to control me through threats of cancellation. Why on earth would he care to be on my Costco card?!?

A month or so ago he also said we should just put all our money in escrow together. Not sure he understands the basics of divorce. I gave him radio silence back on that one.

In the end, I am not going to bother answering. There is just no point. He's not working with a full deck. I think he's still just working with the 2 jokers.

[job]

Well, give the "boy" a star for trying to bully you into submission. Definitely contact AAA and find out why you are still on his AAA membership. It could be that they didn't take you off of his membership even though you may have left you on his. A call is in order for this issue. You may want to go to their site today and send them an email inquiring as to why this happened.


As for the Costco account, you can determine who you want on your membership at any time. He can very well go to Costco and apply for a new card. Evidently your "boy" doesn't want to pay the membership fee for it. And, what is up with the "payroll" comment? Didn't know your h is your employer! LOL! He has truly lost the plot.

I guess he doesn't realize what divorce means in the way of separating accounts. Whatever cards that you need to have, that you are currently on w/him, you may need to separate them out now. If he doesn't get his way about the Costco card, he's going to start removing you from those accounts.

BTW, my xh was just like him and he got a very rude awakening when he tried to use two joint cards for purchases after he had been gone for a while. Thanks to a wonderful lady at a Master Card office, she advised me what to do about the joint cards w/purchases on them and when I had them switched to new account w/the balances, my xh couldn't use the old ones because I "suddenly" misplaced the old cards. He had no intention of paying for the things he had charged after he had moved out and yes, he was expecting me to pay his freaking bills while he was out there. I still chuckle over that one. There is always another way around things...you just have to be creative.

HaWho, you are getting more and more creative each and every day and are now able to shake your head and chuckle over some of his crazy thinking. Wait and see...your name will suddenly be removed from the cards and he won't tell you...but you can always do a credit report to see what he's been up to.

Take care of yourself and your sons. Watch your back...he could get very angry and desperate before it's over with.

[AndrewP]

but you can always do a credit report to see what he's been up to.

Credit reports are always a great idea. I did mine recently both through Equifax and TransUnion. I was able to do the TransUnion one online. Theoretically anyone who had my identifying information could probably have done that too. Just sayin ...

[OwnIt]

The need for control is so astounding isn't it. I have been seeing quite desperate actions from mine of late. You are how far away from being divorced now and he is writing to you about Costco cards and bragging about paying for your AAA (that you don't even want)? I would say unreal, but I'm living the same thing at the moment.

They do the divorce filing, or threaten it, as a means for control and they don't realize it is the ultimate loss of control. You will soon have a court order to protect you and the boys from his craziness. I don't think that will be the end though, he will push every boundary he can.

I hope he tires of this or works through his fears about it. One of my kids has a birthday coming up, and then of course Father's Day. Ugh. Hope yours passes uneventfully.

[HaWho]

I am looking for some advice. So, those of you following along, please read and chime in if you can.

But first, Job - dealing with him is just a constant nuisance. He has definitely lost the plot.

Andrew - I recently just checked my credit on both Experian and TransUnion and all was okay. Fingers crossed I make it to the finish line and just break free of his nuttiness.

But, I agree with Ownit that I think he filed to get a sense of control. Remember he kept texting me to sign papers without obtaining my own lawyer. He thought he was going to bully me every step of the way. The reality is there is a process to this and in the end as Ownit says, he has very, very little control. I hate to mind read but every time my lawyers and I take an offensive stance, he retaliates with some illusion of having control. And it shows in these kinds of silly ways.

For example, he said 1 month ago he would send a settlement proposal. Nothing came. And I am sure he didn't because he was thinking we would go on in this limbo financial state that benefits him. I am not really an offensive strike sort of person so he probably thought he had it made in the shade with pink lemonade.

But he just learned I filed a motion for support and for request that he pay my legal fees. He makes significantly more than me, I was a SAHM mom for a long time, he filed and my legal fees are what they are because a lot of his antics. He has clearly not been honest about finances, it's taken a lawyer to uncover that and I hope he should have to pay for making me have to uncover his lies. If anyone has experience in getting the other party to pay your divorce fees, please feel free to chime in with strategic advice. All advice is appreciated!

Now there is a court deadline, hence he lashes out with controlling the Costco card--ooooh, so tough! Eye roll, sigh and shoulder slump) and makes the PA payroll comment. As my L says, the more he communicates with me, the better. He digs himself a hole to China with each letter/text/email. Duh. Stop communicating. But he just can't help himself. I just cannot believe he wrote me a handwritten letter threatening to take me off my own financial cards. (They are NOT just "his," they are ours. And if this goes to court a judge is going to see this nonsense over a Costco card!

I am kind of worried that as it gets closer to the end here and he learns he has much less control than he thinks, that he'll get even more desperate as Job says.

Anyway, please let me know if anyone knows of cases where legal fees were covered and how those cases were won.

Thanks all!