Can I really do this?

[Dtrmned]

Actually I believe my D was impressed that I didn't say anything or let it blow up. She smiled, shrugged and we spoke for a minute about her project. Before that would have drawn me in hard, so I feel more like I didn't take the bait and react the way she wanted me to. She is being childish, selfish and everything is about her.

Thank you for the feedback and I will go back and look at the boundaries part.

[LH19]

Actually I believe my D was impressed that I didn't say anything or let it blow up.

I am glad you didn't blow up and I think you are missing my point.

You have to make it clear to your W in a direct and firm manner that you will not tolerate disrespect from her. Especially in front of the kids.

[Dtrmned]

Understood and Thank you!!!!

[Dtrmned]

Ok.
Just looking for some feedback if I'm looking at this the right way or not and handling things correctly.

I've been working hard on myself, working out, eating better, etc., GAL, detaching, and going dark with NC as much as possible with living in the same house and having kids.

Last evening I had to take my D to the store as she has a dance this friday for a dress. She doesn't have any that fit so it was necessary. W totally knew as we have all been out looking for this a couple of other times. Went to the mall, looked at a few, she tried one on that was really cute (i took a picture and sent to W) she liked it too. Unfortunately, the dress didn't have a tag and we found out it was WAY too expensive. We went to another store, found a very cute dress that she loved that was 1/3rd of the price and came home.

Everything was good until about 8ish. I said I was just going upstairs to read and W mumbled something that I didn't hear as I was walking out of the room. I stopped, came back in, gave her the attention and informed her I didn't hear her. She stated " I just don't like being F$@ck#d with". I sat down directly across from her and asked her what she meant. She said " were you seriously going to buy that expensive dress for our D?". I informed her of how things happened and she of course didn't believe me. Went onto how things were now just so "weird" with me. I'm working out, sometimes twice a day (sometimes I need the morning and the evening release), losing weight, taking care of myself, kind and considerate to our children, etc. etc. etc. She said "why would you do this now?" "I don't care, but I'm just curious". Just told her that I am working on myself and focusing on the children and being who I am. Her response was that it was just a farce and I would go back to my former self very soon. This is not going to happen as I actually am more relaxed and like myself much more presently. MUCH more work to do, but way better than a year or even a month ago. She then said " if you are trying to impress me, or win me back, I am not interested and I don't care" Then she intimated that I might be trying to impress someone else. I did put her mind at east as one of our boundaries of living in the same home is that we were not going to date other people. I told her flat out I would not violate that boundary. That this was just me concentrating on working on me and the children.

She then complained about how I bought a few new clothes. I'm in finance and appearance is important. I didn't buy an armani wardrobe, just a few sport coats, a suit and a couple of shirts. All on the clearance rack to boot. We are tight on money, but losing 25ish lbs and 4 inches off of my waist, my pants look funny and my shirts are HUGE. I don't mind wearing my usual stuff, but sometimes there are important meetings where something that actually fits is needed. Acknowledged her concern and followed through with letting her know why it happened and what I spent. Oh, by the way, she did our laundry and found the receipts in my drawer so she was snooping a little there...Not interested huh?

Her concern on this is that since she started her individual account, I moved over my paycheck to an individual account. The bills are paid, there is a few hundred in our joint account, but she does not have access to what she once did and this is upsetting her. She thinks I am playing her and thinks I am making more money than I am telling her. I have shown her every paycheck so she knows, she just is at that point where anything that comes from me she doesn't trust.

We talked for a few. I was tired from being up with my D all night as she was working on her project and W was tired as well. She did mention, your out there spending all of this and then you ask me to get a job to help? Um, yes! You are going to be getting a job anyway, so why not help now.

We ended the conversation. She is still pissed and thinking I am hiding a bunch of stuff, which I am not.

Questions:
1- Did I handle this correctly?
2- How can I do better?
3- If "she's not interested" why does she care and why is it making her upset?
4- Is this part of the "don't believe anything they say stuff"?

Thanks DB forum!!!

[sandi2]

Her entire line of questioning boils down to one word........jealousy.

It's okay to listen to what she has to say. Just be careful about over explaining yourself and giving her a list of reasons (and assurances) of why you did something.

[SteveLW]

Her entire line of questioning boils down to one word........jealousy.

It's okay to listen to what she has to say. Just be careful about over explaining yourself and giving her a list of reasons (and assurances) of why you did something.

^^^^^^^^^THIS

The mystery will get her even more curious. Jealousy is right. As well as probably some attraction to you that she is rebelling against. This is why she is telling herself (and you) that the changes are temporary. She is trying to convince herself not to fall for you.

I think you handled it pretty well. You should concentrate on validation without, as sandi said, lengthy explanations and/or assurances. Her feeling a little unsure is to your advantage.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks guys!!!!

[Dtrmned]

Monday morning weekend update.

Weekends are always tough. I think I had mentioned this before since my W and I are both at home. I was determined that this weekend we would make it through without a fight or an argument.

My D had a dance on Friday evening. I was driving her and a friend and they were getting ready at our house. Everything was fun. W came downstairs, we were alone for a few minutes. She leaned and stretched out over the island of the counter. She has been in tons of pain this week due to her medical conditions and exhaustion due to RX changes. Seeing she was in pain, I reached out and rubbed her neck for a few minutes. Nothing major. She said thank you and wished it could last for a while. I said, well our S will be playing and our D is off to her dance in a bit, if you'd like, I can work on your neck and back when I get back from running her to school. She said that would be great.

So dropped of D, came home and prepped up the room just a bit. Put towels down so not to get oil on the sheets, turned up a space heater (W is always cold so trying to help her relax). She came up, got up, dropped her dress to her waist, laid down and unhooked her bra. Ok, before this goes any further, I know what you are ALL thinking. This was not a sexual, sensual or anything of the sort act other than my trying to help my W relax from a very difficult week. Did I want to connect? YES. Did I want her to see me as compassionate, caring, etc.? YES. Still, not the reason I did this.

Anyway, back to the story. Began working on her back and neck. She said that her lower back was really tight. Moved down to that area. Moved her dress and panties down slightly so as not to get oil on them. I just got involved in helping her relax. Something we have done for years, but not done in a long, long time. Fast forward through and she then was totally naked (towel given to her to cover to make sure I showed respect and that this wasn't going anywhere). I finished the massage, wiped he oil off her body, we watched a show, and she thanked me for the massage and said she felt tons better and way more relaxed.

No jumping for joy on this one, but it did feel good to physically connect with my wife.

Saturday afternoon comes. I went to change into my workout clothes to go for a run. She was sitting at her table in the bedroom and said she wanted to talk. She said she was very emotional about what happened last evening and wanted to talk about it. Ok, let's talk. She thanked me again for the massage. Then while crying went into how she feels I crossed a boundary by giving her the massage and her ending up naked in front of me. She said that she feels like she froze during the massage and that she didn't have control. She was not yelling or anything like that. Made sure to point out that she totally thought that I wasn't trying to make a pass at her, or take advantage of her in any way. I responded that I was sorry that she felt that way, that if she was uncomfortable at any time that she should have said something, anything. I recalled the evening at each time I moved to a different area, I would let her know. I also know that I told her prior to removing her dress and underwear that I was doing so merely to make sure that no oil was going to get on them. I have seen this woman without clothes 1000's of times over 20+years. I know her body better than she does sometimes. She is gorgeous. To me she is perfect, scars, freckles, curves, all of it. BUT the night wasn't about that. I was merely about trying to help her relax.

We spoke about this for a few minutes. I told her I never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable, on the contrary, it seemed like she was very relaxed during the entire session. But, I did validate her feelings and again said I had zero intentions of hitting on you or thinking anything was going to come of it (in the past, we these sessions more often than not ended in a fun encounter). She then mentioned the fact that if we are moving on from one another that she has to move more towards detaching from our MR. She asked that we move towards getting our plan together for this. I responded that I had sent her some forms to fill out and was waiting on her response so we could hopefully work all of the issues out prior to filing and we can do our best not to involve attorneys. She then went on to mention that we need full and open lines of communication so we don't read too much into each other. She stated that last week when she had found out I bought a few new clothes, that she "was ready to file that day" she was so pissed. She said that after we spoke, she got it off her chest, and she understood why I did, that she was not as volatile any longer.

How are we supposed to detach (her desire) and keep full, open lines of communication?

Was Friday really a "shock" to her, or was it that she started to feel in her heart and missed me a bit? I only ask this as her emotions seemed sincere. I can tell when she is pissed and crying. This was not one of those times. It was heartfelt and she was feeling.

Is she pushing me away now since she saw that she still has feelings for me and us?

Wrapped up the conversation, went on my run, and we just watched tv that evening.

Yesterday was easy. Morning run, afternoon run, household chores and errands. W was in a RX tailspin after missing one of her doses. She had 3 naps that took most of the day. (gonna be hard to fit in that job in the future isn't it?)
Took the kids to an early dinner to get us all out for a bit. And finally settled down and watched a show and then bed.

So, NO FIGHT!! I think that was a great accomplishment.

How do I deal with what happened? She says she is bound and determined to see this divorce happen. I am looking for feedback as I value what is said back. I believe DB'ing is working. I am committed to it. Kids get out on 3 weeks from school so I don't know if that is when she is thinking of moving or not (don't know how she is going to accomplish this or not either).

Feedback...PLEASE!!!

[SteveLW]

Interesting update. Lots of similarities to my sitch. It seems as if your W is conflicted much like mine was the first couple of months after BD. And yes I think the massage made her question the fantasy she has of her "new" life. And she didn't like it.

If you read my threads you'll see my wife had similar plans as yours. She even started working on her resume, but abandoned it pretty early on. For weeks after not doing one thing to get a job, get a place to live, moving out and filing for D, she would still state that she was wanting that. In the meantime I was in full DB mode with the changes, 180s, trying to detach, GAL etc. And all was having an effect.

My advice is to continue doing exactly what you are doing. If you see an opportunity to do something for her like you did Friday night, make the offer. She'll either take you up on it or turn it down. Make sure you show you are good either way.

Likely your wife will be living right where she is at for the foreseeable future. Also, let her initiate the open communication on the D. You took the opportunity Saturday to remind her that the ball was in her court. Leave it there. Likely she won't follow through on it. Your goal here is to not openly thwart, but to passively delay. Time is your friend. Use it to your advantage.

[Dtrmned]

Steve85. Read a lot of your posts and yes, seems to be very similar issues going on.

How do I deal (and your response is that you just have to and that's the way it is!) with the issue that your W has decided and you know in your mind that she has decided to end the marriage. She is generally not one to change her mind. She has commented on my changes and how she likes them, but she always adds in that she is just waiting for "the other shoe to drop" or for it all to stop. I realize this is not an overnight fix as it took us years to get to this point working the wrong way!

I am not the same man I was when this all started. I do have the same heart, the same soul and feel through them both the love I have for my W. I don't know how this will end other than I will improve myself for whatever the future has ahead.

Thanks again DB!