Avoid social media at all costs. The temptation to check on her will be tremendous. Most of the experts I've suggestion at least suspending your FB account, if not outright deletion of it.
Social media is your worst enemy right now. And I think if you are honest with yourself, deep down, you will admit that you created an account because she did. The bunk about getting in touch with people from the past is an excuse. I mean, why the interest all of sudden?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Deep down I'm sure you are right. I have never really been all that interested in re kindling the things that I have left behind. With or without facebook, I can still see her page. I know I am going against the advice, but I'm making one. At the very least I won't have to send so many emails out to the rest of my family with pictures of my kids. If it starts to go south then I will suspend or delete it. Either way I will post here, and give that I told you so moment as I'm sure it will happen. Additionally, I spoke to my wife again today. She knows that I am trying to accept a new norm and give space. And then she came over to the house to "pack" Packed 2 small boxes in 3 hours and it was hell on me. I do not currently possess the will power to not drink, and walk away from her while she is at my house. So I was around her and inevitably we talked about things. It didn't get anyone anywhere. But I stayed on the Sobriety wagon. And honestly, even though the last two days have been the hardest two in 21 weeks, I think staying sober is more important to me.
Today hasn't been that good. I took my kids to the parade in town. The walked in it for little league. I ran into people I know. What am I supposed to say when they ask how I'm doing. Lie to them? I just told them I'm not good right now and walked away. I don't think i'm ready for that kind of thing yet.
Another not so great day. The wife came over to pack her things. I probably should have just left. Instead I talked to her. I know I most likely pushed her away. She told me she went on a date last night. That was not easy to hear. Part of me thinks that she is trying to cause me pain intentionally. I told her I had the final divorce papers. They showed up at work. I would sign them when I was ready. She didn't like that. After she left, I drove to work, picked them up, went to her work, signed them and gave them to her. I was pretty hot. I spun my tires leaving. Probably shouldn't have. I'm trying to detach. I know I'm not doing it right, it is much easier said than done. I told her I need her to stop coming by. For me. I can't do it. Pack your [censored], and move on. I don't know when I will be okay, but I know that I won't be if she keeps coming around. I told her maybe in the future she could, but right now it is killing me. It is safe to say we are not on the best terms right now. I talk to my daughter about everything. We went for a walk today, and I asked her how long I should try for mom. She told me what mom is doing isn't fair to anyone, and that she has been given her chance, that it would be ok to stop trying now. She doesn't want to see me hurt. That helps. I don't know what I'm going to do when she goes to stay with her mother though.
Revik, obviously none of this behavior, including the talks with your daughter, are going to get you where you want to be. All I can do is encourage you to reread DR or DB, take the advice of experts on this board, and put that advice into practice.
Also get into IC if you are not already. You can't control your soon-to-be XW, but you can start to control you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My mind is going a million miles a minute right now and I don't know how to stop it. If she wears that dress out to the bars or with someone else, I would take it personally and classify it as a low blow. There is also a chance she wears it to our sons game tomorrow. If so, what does that mean? Or does it mean that she simply likes the dress. Then I suppose she could be letting someone else borrow it, but it is pretty tiny, not to many people would fit in it. I don't know. I guess I wait until tomorrow.
You're spinning out of control. Just settle down, it's just a dress. You don't know why she picked it up or what for, quit letting your imagination fill in the blanks.
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I asked her about the two guys in our past and if she had been in contact with them. I know that wasn't the best thing to do.
You're separated with D on the way, you need to get used to the idea that these things are beyond your control now. Quit asking. All it's doing is driving you crazy and making her think you're stalking her.
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When I got home I text her asking if she had any feelings for one of them. Her response was please stop. I could be overreacting but to me that says yes.
It doesn't say "yes", it says "you are acting crazy and she wants you to stop". Read DR, please.
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But not Facebook. I just made a Facebook. I figure I never had it before and maybe getting in touch with some people from the long lost past could help. But the wife has recently got Facebook too and I feel like it will just cause drama. Thoughts?
Yes you are right it will cause drama. So don't do it. It's perfectly fine to reach out to friends and family, but you don't need FB to do that. Wait a few months and if you still want to create an account do it then.
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Additionally, I spoke to my wife again today. She knows that I am trying to accept a new norm and give space.
Oh boy. You've really got to try and REALLY give her space. That means no more talking to her. If she contacts you and asks a question then go ahead and reply, but no more initiating contact.
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And then she came over to the house to "pack" Packed 2 small boxes in 3 hours and it was hell on me.
Then set a boundary. Tell her if she's going to come over and get stuff she needs to give you a day notice. Then don't be there when she comes. Or if you just don't want her going through stuff then pack her stuff up yourself and make arrangements for her to pick it up. My ex did what I called back then "a slow bleed", she would come by every few days and pick up some stuff. I never knew when she was going to just pop in and do that. So finally I told her to set a date to have it all out and make a list of the big stuff she planned on taking so I could look it over beforehand. She did honor that, and it went smoothly. And after that her visits were strictly picking up/ dropping off the kids.
Originally Posted By: Revik
Today hasn't been that good. I took my kids to the parade in town. The walked in it for little league. I ran into people I know. What am I supposed to say when they ask how I'm doing. Lie to them? I just told them I'm not good right now and walked away. I don't think i'm ready for that kind of thing yet.
If they don't know about the S/ D then don't bring it up. If they do know and ask, just tell them you are using the time to work on yourself and strengthen your bond with the kids. Do NOT tell them you are sad, miserable, crying into your pillow, etc. Because ANYTHING you tell them will go right back to your W. She is not going to be attracted back to a sad, pathetic, desperate H. But a strong, independent H might eventually get her attention.
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The wife came over to pack her things. I probably should have just left. Instead I talked to her.
Just..... stop...... this!
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I know I most likely pushed her away.
Yeah it really does.
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After she left, I drove to work, picked them up, went to her work, signed them and gave them to her. I was pretty hot. I spun my tires leaving. Probably shouldn't have.
Next time before you do something rash like that come here and post FIRST. We are here to talk you away from the ledge. You never should have done that in anger.
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I'm trying to detach. I know I'm not doing it right, it is much easier said than done.
You're not doing it at all. All the constant talking to her and R talks and temp checks and finding every opportunity you can to get in front of her, that is all the complete opposite of detachment. You are 100% fully attached to her and you will never grow until you change that. She will also never learn to miss you as long as you are a constant presence.
You've been doing all of the above despite DB/ DR and despite the advice you've gotten here, and not only has it not worked but I think you can see it's caused even more harm to your sitch. So think about that. It's time for a change- embrace DB'ing.
Anotherstander, You are right. I can see that. I'm trying to figure out how to do it. It is easy to say it, a lot harder to do it. I'm sure it was for everyone on here. Honestly I don't want her gone. But part of me does so that I can get on, and don't have to see her. I told her she can't just come by any more. If she wants her stuff great, come get it, but don't take 3 hours to pack two boxes. Get your stuff and go. Maybe not the right things to say, or way to say it but I need her down the road right now for my stability if that makes sense. As far as my daughter goes, she is having a rough time, I think it helps her to be able to talk to me. I also think it helps me to be able to talk to her. She has tried to talk to her mom, but she will not give her the time of day. In time I believe she will, but not right now. So if there is any I can be there for her I will. When we do talk, I don't bash her mother. I tell her, look, this is really hard on your mom as well and everyone handles things differently. All you can do is try to talk to her, and if she talks to you great. If not, she will eventually.
Also you are right again. I recognize it. I will get this. Maybe not her back. But I will get on with my life and figure this out. I'm seeing that this isn't the end all be all. I just have to figure out the way to do it that feels right.
believe it or not, if you don't R you will eventually get to a point where you are happy she left. Especially when you are better, more healthy and in a new relationship, you will look back at this and wonder why you tried to hold on to her so tightly.
I know I have an ex-gf that I was like that with. Now I look back at her and her life and think "praise be to God that I didn't end up with her!". And I still love her by the way, just don't want to be with her. At the time I was losing her I thought the earth would stop spinning.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The last bit has been ok. I guess I grew a set so to speak. I took leave for Monday and Tuesday, as those are the two days my wife generally has off. She had said that she was coming with a couple of dudes (I don't know them) and a uhaul to the house. I said awesome, I will be there. She was supposed to be at the house at 8 am. She no showed. I know I'm not supposed to contact her, but I did, she didn't answer for a bit. Finally I got a hold of her. Told her look, she needs to get the uhaul, and get her stuff. I don't want to fight with her, I don't want to fight any dudes. I will help load the truck. The lingering is doing no one any good. she finally came. We had 45 minutes to get the truck loaded so I could get to my kids games. No one is staying at the house that I don't know while I'm not there. I told her she could stay by herself and pack if she wanted to. I think that she understood that I am not going to let her do a slow bleed on me anymore. Most, not all off her stuff is gone now. In other news. I know I am not supposed to dwell on her and things like that. So advice is needed here. We have two kids and 50/50 custody. Today, I was told that while I was gone on deployment (and this makes sense with some of the things that happened while I was gone) She was seen paling around with a dude. People suspected they were dating. Here is the problem with that. He is associated in the town with meth and cocaine. I don't want to jump to conclusions and I also don't want to be to intrusive. But with my kids. What should I do? Maybe she didn't realize his reputation, and wasn't actually around the stuff. Maybe she did, and is. My priority here is the kids. They will be with her for about 2 weeks at the end of July, in another city away from ours for about 4-5 days of that 2 weeks and then they are with me again. Thoughts?
