Advice on my scenario Pt. 3

[OrangeK]

Cadet, first three attempts were from a PC where I had tried to copy and paste out of work which obviously causes problems. Most recent attempt was on my phone trying to copy and paste out of the email I had sent myself. Will manually type when I get home

[Cadet]

Cadet, first three attempts were from a PC where I had tried to copy and paste out of work which obviously causes problems. Most recent attempt was on my phone trying to copy and paste out of the email I had sent myself. Will manually type when I get home

Well you see what doesnt work, thanks for the feedback.

[OrangeK]

Ok. So Here we go. Grab your beverages folks, i got a feeling this is gonna be a long one.

In order to keep this concise, as upon re-reading past posts I realize i have a tendency to wander in my thoughts when posting, I will structure this post a bit more than normal.

1.) Frantic Research and "Energy Vampirrrreeeesss":
Man do i feel like I've gotten a degree in psychology i never wanted over these past few months. After January when true NC between WW and I began is when i started my feverish research into what could be wrong and what I could do to fix it. Well I can tell you my research did not lead me to good places. This Trauma Bond stuff is no joke, i literally feel like an addict. Not only because i cannot let go, but because i know what it is im addicted to. A toxic, euphoria distributing substance that will, if given enough time and abuse, truly ruin my life.
Oh yes, that is my wife i am referring to, no coke or dope.
My darling wife. Wow this is totally what i had in mind for my life going into age 31! This is ridiculous.
Anyhow, Trauma Bonding, my research into what could be wrong with my marriage which began, in my gaslight infected brain, as research into what I had done WRONG to ruin my infantile, but seemingly perfect marriage/life with this seemingly perfect woman. Stupid A$$, how had i screwed up AGAIN?!
The first resource i found was a fairly well know Q&A type forum with a HEAVY presence regarding narcissism and other personality disorders. A lot of what i read made me quickly realize this serious medical diagnosis was being thrown around like online ordainment certificates, so i immediately took what i was reading with a few grains of salt.
However there was gold to be mined from all the crap being thrown around on that site, I learned a lot about Love Bombing, Devalue/Discard cycles, Covert/Overt Cluster B PD's and so on.
The scariest part, it all fit. Like a glove. A TON of what these people were describing were exactly what WW's behavior had been, like EXACTLY. it was too close to be a coincidence. She was a "Narc".
Eventually the toxicity of that site became overwhelming.
It was just herds of butt hurt people claiming "their" Narcissist betrayed them and that they are evil "Energy Vampires" and whatnot.
Despite having learned some valuable information, the whole situation gave off the rank odor of a whole lot of swinging bologna. I deleted my account and exited stage left, forthwith.

Love Bombing - the act of going from 0 to 120mph in a relationship, the person loves you right away, showers you with gifts and affection. They mold themselves to match you and your interests exactly. I can literally remember saying "What in the world did i do to deserve such a beautiful, perfect amazing woman, i love you so much!" to WW probably 7 months into our relationship.
Here's how my Love Bombing went down.

Feb 2013 - Me and WW begin talking on FB, She messaged me first. we hit it off immediately. Talked every night till 2 AM. She was finishing a vacation in Florida and we would hang out soon. I WAS SO STOKED.
March 2013 - We hang out for the first time, hook up first night. Love at first sight. the word Serendipity was used a few weeks later. this was meant to be.
August 2013 - Myself, WW and one of my best friends decide to get an apartment together, i had been living with my brothers in parents old house (We were renting it as my parents had moved out of state, then they were selling so we had to move).
At this point WW had already began to triangulate my brother and his (eventually) wife to be distant from me, as my brother and i had lived together for many years. She needed to have influence.

By the time a year had passed, my best friend had paid 3 months rent in advance to leave early to go move with his sister to CA (he recently told me he did this because he hated WW and couldn't live with her anymore, as he saw her manipulating me to get what she wanted, in small ways, but still obvious to him. He said he didn't say anything because i seemed really happy. I have scolded him for not speaking up then....lol.)
By April of 2014, while still in that apartment, she had achived her hidden pregnancy. Heres the rub. Estimated conception date given to us on S3's day of birth......April 1st 2014.
APRIL. FRIGGIN. FIRST.
So we had moved again by that August, and I finally found out about my son because i FINALLY noticed her showing, in Mid October.

Anyway, throughout our relationship she has definitely performed Gas lighting, Triangulation, Projection, She Copies People (literally wont come up with original ideas about anything, fear of rejection and all that, God Forbid her idea [censored] and people dont like it. this would crush her, but she'd never SHOW you that.), Stonewalling, Denial, Her Instagram is a font of Narcissism, literally just attention bait, the shiny veneer of a beautiful life that never existed. to the point she used a photo of my son, and added 4 or 5 of her own words to a Tennyson quote, and quoted it on IG as if my son said it. Hes 3. He doesn't read Tennyson. He's more into Monster Trucks right now.
So she certainly targeted me ahead of time, this I already know.
She was coming from a "dark spot" in her past because she had been dumped by her EX before she could complete her cycle or something, and she ran off to another state for 6 months, completely off the radar (just like she is currently) to shack up with some random dude. Well that didn't turn out well (Surprise! i believe he kicked her out, probably for cheating, never got the full story), and she had to come slinking home to her moms, then she took her Vaca and thats when her and I began talking. I made "her feel so safe after a dark spot, and being mistreated by two guys in a row"
ME: "OMG Hunny how could any guy treat you like that, you're the sweetest thing in the world! ill always make you happy i love you"

Then Her and I lived together from Aug 2014 until she left me in Oct 2017, to "live at her moms" and then she got her own place. OM hasnt moved in yet, or so my chatty son says.
She cant be alone.
She always needs a "source" (friggin hate that term)
When she grows bored of him, and she will, she will seek out a new landing pad before blasting off from OM's life.

I wonder if he will call me looking for answers some day? I had to call her EX to learn about her. Oh did i learn.
I will laugh heartily should that phone call ever come.


2.) STUPID STUPID STUPID.
So if you've read my thread you know where life went from here.
Stressful for a while. My brother died 9 days before S3 was born, we had to move several times. She wasnt working, had basically no social life (because she has no friends, at least never for any length of time). Things got into a rut, but we maintained, or at least it seemed so.
The in June of 2016 we finally got our own place, back in my hometown. I got back onto a fire dept. she began looking for work and finish the touches on the wedding. Relationship took a big upturn here. Things seemed perfect. We were about to get married, going to get ahead, S3 was growing up and adorable as hell. I was charging towards a full time Friefighter position. (still only have 1 Class, a CDL and a fitness test to do, i stalled so close, time to GAL and FINISH. What lady doesnt love a fireman right?!)
But as soon as we got married, 2017 was a downslide into silence, quiet scorn, the edge of the bed trreatment and the likes. Had i known about DBing THEN, God knows what I could have accomplished.
However I did not.
Summer 2017: First time i started to notice something was off (she was already seeing OM by this point). She was quiet, reserved, went to bed earlier. Started doing yoga with the girls from work (i supported this 100%!) dyed her hair, was on the phone all the time (Snapchatting with the girls from work!)

Sept 2017: our first anniversary was a mess. we had been fighting constantly by this point, she had already dissapeard for nights here and there, and was constantly grouchy, unable to be happy and getting more and more secretive.
She was a B our entire Anniversary dinner.
The prior weekend was the "One night stand" i would eventually find out about in Oct.
She left for her friends bday party which was supposed to just be at her friends house. I called at 11pm wondering when she would be home. She was out at a club. We fought, i said i thought she was going to be home around S3's bed time, hours prior. She got mad. I called again at 1am. She seemed fine (claimed she was "wasted") at her friends house and she was sleeping it off and coming home. I got up at 8 and left with S3 to go to a Fair at 10am. She hadnt come home. When i finally got home at 5, she was all pouty and apologetic looking, typical abuse cycle crap. She was back to full B mode within a week.

Oct 2017: one night she had been on her phone all night. I told her to open her phone and show me the messages. She said no. This is BD. This is when i found out about the "one night stand" the week BEFORE our FIRST anniversary. Pig.
She left. to "her moms" (om's when she didnt have S3)
The rest is history.

All the red flags ive missed at this point. STUPID.
Literally totally ignoring my own unhappiness, i focused only on how to "get the spark back" and how to make her happy, without realizing I wasnt the actual problem. STUPID.
Allowing her to stay out, lie to me, and do all things i would have been SO SUSPICIOUS of in any other relationship. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
Where were my Balls?

3.) Oct 17'- Jan 18' "The Time When Balls Didn't Exist"
Here is where I needed DB.
Oct 15th i should have gone cold right then and there. told her to get out of MBR and showed my balls.
I did not.
I begged, i reasoned, i wrote letters. i did all the things wrong. i should have been showered in 2x4's. Hell, whole trees.
MC was a waste of time, she manipulated the councilor.
She lied, fed me bread crumbs, false hope and sweet whispers until after NYE when we were out of our apartment, i was out of money and her belongings were in storage.
Then i caught her at OM's house for the first time. My son was in daycare, it was a snowstorm. She drove 25 miles from her mothers, on her day off, in a snow storm, to bring S3 to Daycare, KNOWING they were closing early. Just so she could go F**CK OM while i was working.
The following week the TRO was put in place, and i enjoyed a charming visit in the states worst county jail 0 out of 5 stars.. (i got a text the next day "OMG I have no idea whats going on, your dad said you were in jail, what is happening? i hope youre ok" and two days later "i had no idea that would happen when i called the cops im so sorry" I replied to neither. as legally i could not).

Here is where i began my research. I didnt find DB website until probably early March. And so here we are.

4.) The Mysterious Future, and the Angels of DB.
So, i have been reading and posting here since March.
You are all wonderful. I was pretty much at my lowest when i found this site. My frantic research paid off. I left the toxic realm of the NARC, taking away what i learned and came to this warm, supportive and energizing place.
Which you can read all about in my thread.

Which brings us to today.
I had been doing really well.
NC, GAL'ing was working well.
i still had dark clouds here and there. still many thoughts of WW, jealous thoughts of OM, and how he stole my family away.
Today i knew right from the start was off. Something was wrong.
I came into work with a stormcloud over my head and it stayed there all day till my lunch. I had already posted a few times in the midst of my dark mood.
Then i saw it.
The screenshot of OM's IG page. Festooned with photos of him spending time with WW and MY SON. I knew this was occurring, i just had bareley seen much of it.
Not being vindictive, or spiteful here. Simplew truth.
This guy is an ugly, wankster KNOB. Seriously, the guy us a tool.
Hes not in good shape, at all, and im sorry but his gene pool is like, ankle deep at best. Huge downgrade.
I mention this not to stoke my ego, but to show that he is CLEARLY a downgrade, and this to me proved a point.
Its not HIM that matters, its who he is. He fits into the social circle she wanted to be a part of. He broke off an engagement to be with my wife, so they are both scheming liars. As i said, its not HIM. he was just an available landing pad in the zone she wanted to refuel at. Simple logistics.
But man did i get pissed. to see his greasy little mitts on my son, and my wife (wearing a white dress i might add which bothered the hell out of me for some reason, as her wedding dress is still currently mud stained and in a supermarket bag in my closet because she left it in the Storage unit along with our ENTIRE WEDDING, decorations and all. I plan on possibly burning it in effigy if the need arises.)
How could this tool steal my wife and family? They were doing all things WW and i Had talked about and planned to do with our son. together. they are living the life i was promised, that i paid for.
She looks happy, at first glance, this drove me batty. How could she not be devoured by guilt, if not for me than for our son?
She truly believes she is doing the right thing, for herself and S3.
The level at which she has been able to seemingly convince herself of her tome of BS is astonishing.

I had a really rotten breakdown. Like very deep. I work with amazing supportive people.
They see my pain.
After all that, i had a good chat with my boss, who has already almost fired me twice because ive lost compusre in the office. Really positive Chat, plus i have my "work brother" who keeps me in good spirits.
I though long and hard on my commute about the abuse ive seen, the lies ive endured, what my son had been through and came to the following conclusions.

I love her deeply, i know i shouldn't, but i probably always will.

I will not let that love control me, i have been mistreated and will not tolerate it again. By her or anyone else.

I am not as healed as i thought i was.

I am driving myself insane, but i haven't figured out how not to yet.

GAL'ing IS helping. Its just not an instant panacea.

This isnt my fault. not 0.0001% of it. Everyone can always be a better partner.
I didn't deserve this, she knew what she was doing and what it would casue. She just didnt think she would get caught so early.
She had planned on sitting around eating mad cake for quite a while i think. Maybe even completed the entire affair under my nose without telling me if i had never asked.

I am valueable. i am attractive, smart, honorable, honest, loyal, selfless and brave.
She is selfish, cowardly, calculating, fake, petty and cruel.

I DESERVE BETTER. HER LOSS. HIT THE BRICKS B***H.

I know ill still miss her, and wish things were different, but they arent. and she doesn't miss me and if she ever does, tough tookies for her. She got work to do on herself before she talks to me about anything besides S3.

Meanwhile, im gonna do me. Back on the GAL / DB train in full swing.

And now im literally going downstairs to hit the heavy bag and practice sword forms. GAL 101. Look good. Feel Good.

I'm the Firefighter only a FOOL would leave.

Strength you all Brothers and Sisters.

"Proudly it Stands, Until the Worlds's End, The Victorious Banner Of Love!"
~Blind Guardian
"The Maiden and the Minstrel Knight"

[NicoleR]

Orange, that is such a nightmare to discover those pictures on the other man's account. Is that even legal to post pictures of someone else's kid without both parents' permission?

You really have become a psychologist. It sounds like you've learned a lot. It's helpful to understand the context in which this behavior takes place but sadly it doesn't sound like there's a clear pathway you can take to fix the marriage since the problems lie within your wife's psyche.

One thing to be thankful for is that you're still young. That is a luxury we don't all have. I turned 40 a few weeks ago. In your age range there are still so many options even though it'll be a while before any of them may be appealing given how much you loved your wife.

[OrangeK]

Orange, that is such a nightmare to discover those pictures on the other man's account. Is that even legal to post pictures of someone else's kid without both parents' permission?

It was gut wrenching. I wish i hadn't seen them, i just asked if there were any new ones and my buddy sent me a screenshot. I just wanted a yes or no. lol.
I don't believe it is illegal to do that, especially since my WW gave consent. IDK, ill look into it.

One thing to be thankful for is that you're still young. That is a luxury we don't all have. I turned 40 a few weeks ago. In your age range there are still so many options even though it'll be a while before any of them may be appealing given how much you loved your wife.

Love my wife, unfortuneatley. As much as i dont really want to at this point i still do. Even after all shes done. I think a lot of time at the beach this summer will help. that and a good summer body.
40 is just a number Nicole.

[SteveLW]

OK, your long post came across as very angry. Of course, anger is one of the emotions that we cycle through in this roller-coaster ride. My caution to you is to please please please avoid contact (I know you have none at the moment) in the future with your W WHILE in the angry phase. Trust me on this, you end up doing more damage that good.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

[OrangeK]

Steve,

Im not positive it was anger. I had a really RAW gunt wrenching breakdown yesterday. I was defeated. By the time i got home and sat to write this i had leveled off.
If anything i would say the emotion behind that long post is something more akin to injustice, frustration, and helplessness.

I am hurt by what WW has done, i was ANGRY back in Feb (a letter i wrote and never sent shows this, it is VULGAR. I still have it sealed in my nightstand)

I pity her, and i am deeply, deeply wounded by what she did. However i to believe she is not in very good control of her emotions, actions and decisions.
She is damaged, i believe she is consciously aware of what shes doing and the pain she has caused, and likely feels some degree of guilt.
However her need to run away from her own internal issues and her tendency to avoid at all costs, makes her follow through with really bad decisions to avoid confrontation, as opposed to dealing with her emotions like the mature adult she ISN'T.

When i can have Contact with her again i will not be reaching out. We will need to talk eventually but im going to let her take that first step. She can decide how she wants to start communicating again, and she can decide the mood it takes. I will only react, and minimally.
Grey Stone, GAL and Detachment are the plan.
Detachment has been a serious struggle, as im still left with the ghost image of the woman i loved.
I havent had any dealings with her since i had the wool peeled back from my eyes, so when i do, my approach will be very cautious, observant and planned.
I have DB Tech now on my side.
I just have to get through thursday and see if the RO will endure, or if it gets pushed further back.
Still no movement on my motion to hold D.
I think Judge may be waiting to address it on our hearing May 22nd.
If Judge pushed D through, ill just go with it rather than make further resistance. If it gets put on hold, ill ride with that until WW decides to make a move for herself for once.
I have a summer to enjoy, as best i can.

Stomach is still a little twisty today, still miss her, but am repulsed by her at the same time. What a conflicting dynamic.
Oh to be in love....
Having all my friends in the "getting married / having babies stage" is killing me. I wanted to have another child with her, now im considering never having kids again.

[mtb1981]

Orange, I have read a lot on narcissistic personalities, and my W fits the description as well. Especially the part about having energy/attention needs met. Things seemed fine until she got the job bartending, and then she found a better source of attention, so I was thrown to the side so she could feed off of it. All the while, stringing me along to get as much attention as she could possibly get. She has some serious childhood issues she needs to deal with before she can ever get better or we could ever have a healthy relationship. I wish you the best of luck...

[SteveLW]

OK, anger, disgust, frustration. All borne from the same place, and all leads to the same destructive behaviors. Just advice buddy, I know cause I've been there: quit dwelling on external stimuli. Who cares who is the the what stage. No bearing on you. That is what GAL is all about, being happy and pleased with WHERE YOU ARE! Regardless of W, OM, and all your friends.

I know, it is tough, but this is your task especially leading up to and after your court date. Take as much time for yourself as you can. Gym. Movies. Hanging out with the single guys you know. Anything you can do to stay busy, stay positive, and stay focused.

When we have too much time on our hands is when we spiral, spin, dwell, and get into these angry, frustrated, and disgusted places.

[OrangeK]

Same to you dude. Yea, as soon as WW started working at the salon, i was useless trash. She triangulates and manipulates females / friends as well, so i know she will be her own worst enemy in a social job setting like that. Itll take time for her to slowly burn bridges but she will, always does. Every job shes had since ive known her, and every friendship. Nothing lasts for her, she will need a full breakdown to realize she needs help.

How old is your wife?
Mine will be 31 on Xmas Eve.
i think the stage of life and her social situation when with me played big roles. Like she isnt ready to be an adult, because she lacks the maturity of one.