Thank you for the honesty and openness it really helps us understand.
The pain of breaking a trauma bond like this is terrible, and part of the process. You have a wonderful little one in your life to heal for.
Of course it is awful, it is going to be awful. But you will get through it because you are being honest and open. I will not tell you that it is easy, your sitch is one of the toughest there is.
How you feel is absolutely completely normal. There is nothing wrong with it, as I said to Joseph, I would be much more concerned if you were denying. And there are board members here who are in that phase. What has happened the triangulation, false accusations and court, then you know.
That won't make it easy for you, and it's confusing and bewildering as well. That is how it is in these sitches. I asked you to read Joseph's thread so you can read that there are board members who come out the other side. I am one of those.
The cycle is called the Kubler Ross cycle and whilst you are in survival crisis mode it is like being in suspension with nothing to push against. It is uncertain.
It is important that you know it is absolutely completely normal to feel this way, and that it would be worrying if it wasn't. It would deeply concern me if you didn't have the washing machine mind. The daily struggles with your stability and feelings absolutely completely normal too.
You are expecting, mothers day, fathers day, Xmas day, birthdays, anniversaries, any other celebratory day will create change, a sudden realisation of what an awful person she has been and how she needs to repair and atone. I think in your heart you know that a cold fish who behaves this way won't do that, it's just hope over experience. Trust your experience with cold fish expect nothing from her. This type of abuser isn't sentimental, other than if it suits them.
If you are expecting remorse please put those thoughts firmly from your mind.
Let's see Thursday gone and then loop.
Stay strong.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The cold, abrupt discard is so freakin traumatizing.
I know my chances of R are next to Zero. I cant hope or plan on R. I am not. But that doesnt stop the wishing, the what if's and the If i had's.
Ill be honest. DB'ing is helping me manage how i will deal with her, but it doesnt seem to be helping my feelings, or making them go away.
I love her. I miss her. I probably always will. Even though it was false, she was the love of my life. I cant grasp that the woman i love never existed.
Ill be honest: Right now, in this moment, id rather have her back and manage her abuse than be alone, and watch my son suffer from missing her, and missing us all together.
She got me good.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I dont know what scares me more, Having the RO extended on Thursday or if it gets dismissed.
I know my plan if it is dismissed is to not reach out to her at all. No clue if she will reach out to me if it is lifted. Im guessing not right at first, and if so, it'll be because she needs something.
I checked today, the motion to put D on hold is still pending, i think the judge might sit on it till May 22nd when we have our first actual divorce hearing scheduled.
Im fighting the temptation to file an order to dismiss All D proceedings, but i feel like that will look like me trying to pursue and control, as well as piss off the court / judge.
No clear path to walk. Pros and Cons for all options.
I just want to talk to her.....
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
[Orange....V is really spot on and has helped me a ton with putting things for me into perspective.
This is so accurate even in my sitch:
You are expecting, mothers day, fathers day, Xmas day, birthdays, anniversaries, any other celebratory day will create change, a sudden realisation of what an awful person she has been and how she needs to repair and atone. I think in your heart you know that a cold fish who behaves this way won't do that, it's just hope over experience. Trust your experience with cold fish expect nothing from her. This type of abuser isn't sentimental, other than if it suits them.
^^^^^^^^^ This!
O when my W first hit me it took me about 1.5 months before I felt like I could function again. I felt the same feelings you describe after about 3 months I could breathe again and at about 6 months could start to put together some decent days.
I started following what Sandi laid out about 1 month after BD....I followed to a T, there was not much deviation. Truthfully you are probably in the eye of the storm, the worst of it. I couldn't mow the yard without crying. Just know it does get better. I found this board, started seeing an IC, started attending church, doubled up on my Dad duties and did everything I could to have minimal contact and interaction with her. It just takes time.
So many different resources and threads mention the importance of WS / or someone with a PD to need to "hit rock bottom" before they start effecting changes and seeing what they did.
I feel awful to wish pain on her, but i want her to smash into rock bottom so hard her teeth crack. She needs it. Shes been babied her whole life. She needs to experience a hard loss, struggle a hardship ALONE. but she always has someone there to prop her up (om in this case)
She did mention once that between her EX and Me, that she "was in a really dark place" this is because she didnt have someone to be in Limerence with. Shes addicted to the chase, to the butterflies. She cant be alone, it crushes her.
I want her to be forced to be alone, to have to turn the microscope back on herself.
She needs to hit bottom. Hard. Face First. For my son more than anything. It may not fix MY Sitch if she does, but she needs help, and the catalyst to make her realize she needs help.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Orange don't put your thoughts and energy into what you wish for her. Put your energy in to being the best you. I know it's easier said then done. Try to stay positive and focus on you and your son.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Because they think what they are doing is perfectly fine, nothing wrong with it.
So their behaviour just gets worse.
They can project and blame.
And if you do contact her after the RO is removed, she may set you up for another one, next time it will be worse.
Once they have done this once, you know they have no scruples to do so again. Stay away. Tell your L how you feel and don't tell the court you will stay away if you won't.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
O - In some respects your W sounds a little like my EW (the newness of things). I never realized it when I was married to her but looking back my EW always had to have a project or something going on to occupy her time. It was always something "new" and thoughts of it would occupy her all day, every day until she accomplished the task or project and then she would move on to something else. She could never just be still.
I never thought it would manifest itself on me or the kids but now getting D and transitioning her life has been her next project. I firmly believe my EW will continue to do this for the rest of her life until she learns to be happy with who she is and what she has in life. It will continue to impact any other R she has and it will only change IMO if she gets help.
It took me some time but with that and distance I was able to get clarity on my sitch. I know the pain is real but I think as you get stronger you will grow and realize the same things about your sitch as well.
