Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts 3

[LH19]

R,

And that's fine and perfectly understandable. Just make it clear to her where you stand.

You could say "Wife I am not interested in being your friend. I want to be your H and your lover not your buddy. I agree that the dogs complicate that so I think a schedule would be better for both of us".

Then you must be congruent with this statement regarding no contact unless it involves the dogs.

[reframe]

Out of curiosity, how was I not being congruent ? I did say, "right now I am not interested in spending time together when you are involved with another man"

I thought that was pretty clear. Also seemed like she wanted to drag me into a R talk, which I was trying to avoid.

[LH19]

You said " I had also hoped we'd be able to remain friends". Then you put conditions on it as long as she wouldn't see other people. Your either friends or your not.

[reframe]

I see what you're saying.

I was prepared for the fact that she would date, we were separated after all.

There's a difference between separating your lives and dating other people eventually, vs the obvious urgency to move out (i.e. being willing to leave dogs, etc..) and sleeping with another dude less than a week later.

That was clearly the motivation behind the urgency, and she was clearly not leaving until she had another R lined up.

She doesn't get to cherry pick the parts she wants, and while I an open to us being friend in the future (maybe) I don't know too many couples who can immediately be all buddy buddy.

[sandi2]

I have written rather lengthly posts in past times on the friendship the WW claims she wants to keep with her LBH. I believe as in so many things with men & women that they have a different definition or something gets lost in translation.

Many times, the WW will drop the bomb and then hit the H with, "but I hope we will always be friends" without hardly taking a breath. At that particular time, she is "done" and sees herself moving on, but she wants his full cooperation and no trouble. She is "soothing" his feelings by offering her great consolation prize of friendship. Maybe even BFF!

All the time, the poor H's head is spinning and hasn't had a chance to grasp the news with which she just blew him off planet earth. He desperately grabs for any crumbs she throws at him. Friends? His mind is reeling. He thinks by being friends they will be able to work out their issues and reconcile. In time, she will see his improvements and will realize she still loves him. Yes, friends sounds like a good idea to him.

However, that is not her thinking at all. If he agrees to this friendship, she will use it to her advantage in every possible way. Especially if they are living in separated houses. He becomes her handyman, plumber, electrician, errand boy, babysitter, and the best one of all......a gay boyfriend. She can cry on his shoulder when there is a problem between her and OM, and will expect his sympathy! She will expect him to drop every thing at the last minute and put her wishes as top priority 24/7. If he EVER complains or, heaven forbid, tell her "no"........she starts the old dance & song of now she knew she couldn't depend on him. He said he would be her friend and now .....yada, yada, yada. Get the picture?

It is entrapment, guys, I'm telling you! Here's the point. She reduces you from a position that only ONE person can occupy. Her husband. Now she wants you to fill a role that anyone can have. Her friend. Now which role do you see as more valuable? As long as you act like her gay boyfriend (no offense to anyone) she will not see you any differently. It's up to you, if you want to settle for a friend relationship instead of a marriage relationship, that's your business. I only remember one man who was honest enough to admit that he would settle for friendship.......just to be close to her. How sad!

This is the epitome, IMHO, of the WW cake eating. She gets the A/OM as her main course and keeps H on the side as her BFF. Consequences? I would say NO.

Know the difference in being civil and friend-ly when interacting with each other............from being bosom pals. The WW using her H in a BFF relationship while she's doing the OM, is a form of emotional abuse.....IMHO.

[reframe]

I agree. IMO I was willing to stay very friendly if she was actually moving out to "find herself" and if she started dating someone down the road I would have dealt with it.

Totally different than jumping immediately into another relationship, that she lined up before leaving.

[reframe]

Meeting with the wife at 5:15 today to have "the talk" and tell her I think we should move forward with D. Hoping we can be co-petitioners and do everthing amicably.

I think this is the right decision, both because of the state of our relationship, and because I don't want to be financially tied to her poor decisions.

I'm still not thrilled though. Both very sad, and not looking forward to (probably) hurting someone that I still care about, despite everything.

A work friend did say "Your marriage is pretty well dead. If you have something in the future, it'll be something new. The D now won't change that".

Trying hard to hold onto that today.

[SteveLW]

reframe, good luck, I think you will be fine and will find that once you are free of her your world of opportunities will be wide open!

[reframe]

It's been awhile.

I've since filed for the D. Had a brief (around 1 month) very short lived stint dating another woman, and watched the WW cycle back and forth.

She's always trying to make me her best friend, and I kept repeating that I was not interested in that as long as OM was in the picture. I've been doing OK, and moving on with my life. Not sure I WANT the soon to be ex wife in my life most of the time, but we did spend a decade together, and I am open to it if she is able to grow up.

Last Thursday she asked me to talk to me "about life and us".
She told me that she deeply regretted how she handled things, that she realized that she wasn't seeing clearly when she did, and that she wanted to date me, to go to MC and to have a life with me.

I was cautious and guarded, but said that if she was willing to terminate the relationship with OM, we could go to therapy. She sent me some deeply touching stuff she wrote about how much she messed up and how much she missed me.

We talked again Saturday, and she said that while she broke up with him, she was still going away for four days with him and another man. She also didn't think we should be exclusive, and just wanted to casually date "until we could see if we were going to move forward with it".


In short, as soon as I agreed to that we could work on things (not that we'd get back together mind you, that we'd work on things) she pulled back and was once again unwilling to make any concessions. More of the "me me me".
I spoke to her briefly Sunday morning and indicated that I was not comfortable with her continued relationship with the OM.

I also came across her looking for a life partner on a dating site yesterday, so clearly her commitment to working things out is HUGE.

I can't shake the feeling that this is just one big temp check... and I got taken again. Emotionally I'm back to obsessing over this, when I thought I was almost over it.

[OrangeK]

Reframe! i been wondering where youve been at.

Dont let the temp check draw you in. She clearly isnt ready to do the WORK.

Great job sticking to your boundaries, keep that up and it will work out.

I highly doubt any R she starts in the next year or so will have any chance of sucsess, just like it didnt with OM.

We learn here that running to another R is just a recipe to repeat the same mistakes.

Stand fast, stay frosty and keep up the good work Reframe.

I know how emotionally raw that blast of false hope must have been