Seeing as the other man is about 5-6 hours from us, I don't think he's here, but she could be using that time to talk to him.
A couple months ago she claimed she was "all-in". But it just doesn't feel it. Her style with dealing with conflict is to avoid it, and that may be what's happening here. She isn't the type that would want to go to therapy or work to try to improve the relationship.
Maybe she thinks it can mend itself over time. I don't know.
as i said in my previous post, she is not in this M... she is maintaining... place-holding... bookmarking... because at this moment, she is not in the marriage, but MAYBE she MIGHT want to come back to it if things with OM don't pan out (just like you would hold a place in a book with a bookmarker so you can pick up where you left off when you are ready to go back to reading it)... or maybe they just aren't ready logistically to be together yet...
WWs often say they need to "handle" things their way... that's just their way of saying they don't plan to put much effort into rebuilding the marriage, but they want you to think they are... they will do "just enough" to get by... see hoosjim's experiences with his wife's non-commitment until he was ready to blow the whole situation wide open... now they are on their way to truly mending their marriage...
i know this is difficult to hear, but you need to hear it... you are getting good, solid advice from Another Stander, doodler, joejoe, etc... take heed...
I want to get in depth, but I like keeping my post short and to the point. I'm a very direct person, I have worked on being more emphatic going through this process.
So, what I will tell you is, you mentioned being 90% sure she didn't cheat. IMO either you are 100% or 0%. You don't know what your W has done. But you know she has been involved with OM. You know you was suppose to go and your W told you not to come at the last minute.
So, if I were you I would not worry about what your W might or might not be doing with OM because, there is a unknown and as long as there is at least 1% you will always wonder about that 1% and say to yourself, "What if".
What you do know is your W is WW. Lets go from there. You need to approach your W and your M like you are dealing with a WW. You do know you W is not committed to being M.
If you are cleaning please do if because it needs to be done and not because you are trying to get your W back. Stop being super LBS and become super STATE. Start working on yourself more. Congrats on the 15 pound weight lost, keep it up. Get some new clothes and get out and meet new people and reestablish old relationship with friends (males).
Your W is not ready to recon on work on the M. You have to start being honest with yourself and about your Sitch, so you can make the right decisions and move forward in the right direction.
You are doing good. In these Sitch, when fall and keep getting back up.
Keep posting.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Sorry, still waiting on my copy of DB to arrive at my library for pick up. What does this mean?
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Stop being super LBS and become super STATE.
It just feels so counterintuitive to not show interest in her right now. I worry that will just push her closer to the OM.
Also, someone above talked about being more alpha. That makes sense, but hard to do. I am working out much more. But time is very limited. Because of my wife's and my work schedules, the only free time that's possible is on weeknights after the kids go to bed and weekend afternoons, which we try to reserve for some family time with the kids.
Totally open to some ideas for how to be more "alpha..." (which is very un-alpha to ask, I know).
She isn't the type that would want to go to therapy or work to try to improve the relationship.
Do you know what type that is? It's the wayward wife type.
Go online and search for how to show male dominance in marriage. Also, read about nice guy syndrome. After that, then google the alpha male.
Still waiting for the library to get the DR book? You can buy a used copy at Amazon really cheap!
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Quote: Stop being super LBS and become super STATE.
I am guilty of accusing some H's of putting on their "Super Husband" cape. You know the type, right? Sadly, these guys think they can "nice" their WW back into the MR. They'll cook all the meals, do all the laundry, clean all the house, and on weekends, they'll do all the other work. Sure, someone has to do it. But the Super Husband tries to do it all. He seems to think it will make his W happy, if she doesn't have to lift a finger at home, and maybe even keep him out of the doghouse. However, it usually just gives her a great big sense of entitlement. I could say more on the subject, but you probably get the picture. Don't wear the Super Husband cape around the house. Do your part, of course.. Don't do your part and her part all the time, b/c it works against what you are hoping to accomplish. A wayward W will not appreciate it, she'll only expect it.
IDK if your counselor suggested following the Love Dare book, but it will only set you backwards when there is a wayward wife in the M. I realize everything we are saying sounds opposite from what you think you should be doing right now. This is a marriage saving forum, and we are telling you what works and what doesn't.
I hope you will get busy and read those links that Cadet gave you. They will save you a lot of wear & tear if you will take the time to read them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I wouldn't say I've necessarily been "Super Husband". More "doing what I should have been doing".
For example, she still does the kids laundry. Still makes them dinner. Still cleans up a bit around the house. I make dinner for me and her (her work schedule prevents us from eating with the kids). I do my laundry. Things I'm doing a better job of: cleaning up the kitchen and picking up the downstairs each night before bed. Home improvements (replacing the garbage disposal, fixing the blinds, etc.)
I've drastically improved my communication. I'm taking better care of myself. I go out a little more with friends for drinks.
Where I'm conflicted right now is how to treat HER. Right now we share hugs sometimes when we head out for work. Sometimes I say 'I love you'. She gave me a kiss on the lips the other day.
Last night was a little fun. I came home with a little spring in my step. In a good mood. She said I was acting a little funny. Later she asked if someone was flirting with me while I was at work. In reality, yes, someone had. And it felt good. The girl works elsewhere, but I deal with her now and then with what I do for work. I'm not interested, of course, but it was nice to get that attention. I admitted that yeah, someone flirted a little -- asked me for drinks, but I said no, that it would be inappropriate. The wife asked if she knew I was married and I said "no". But I guess the more accurate answer now that I think about it is "I don't know."
This morning the wife jokingly asked if I this girl was going to be flirting again today. I laughed and said I didn't know. Chatted a little more, then winked at her and went out the door to work.
S18, sounds like things are in a decent place considering. If you read my posts you know that I do not think there is any rule that is immutable in DBing. If it works do it. If hugging and saying ILY works with your W, then keep doing it. In general, you shouldn't say ILY because it reminds the WAS/WS that they don't feel the same way (at least not right now). It is better to let her say that (if and when she does) and respond with ILYtoo.
But again, if it working, do it. I know Early in my sitch I said it. She'd respond with ILYtoo. Then I found DBing and stopped saying it first. She then started saying first, and I responded. She now initiates it multiple times a day. So clearly my starting after BD, then stopping, had an effect though that was never my intent.
But keep up the good work. I would be careful to use this flirting girl to manipulate your wife. She'll see through it. Obviously you allowed her to ask and that is a very good move. Don't bring it up unless she does.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
your wife is cake eating... i don't consider that "working." asking about the flirting girl could be her taking a load of guilt off of herself... she could be telling herself, "see? he'll be fine without me..."
when i was in my A, i still kissed my H, hugged him, told him i loved him... i was MAINTAINING...
I guess it's possible she could take the flirting girl that way. But I was honest. It's what happened. And isn't a big part of this her knowing that I'm going to be fine without her? She needs to know I can go too.
That being said, if she brings it up again, I'll say "I shut that down. Nothing to worry about."
Also agree that she's cake eating. But she's not the type to say "ok, I'm ready for therapy. Let's do it." So I'm not sure how to bring that up. To me, showing that kind of initiative would be indicative of working on it.
I wouldn't say I've necessarily been "Super Husband". More "doing what I should have been doing".
That's fine, as long as you understand that she doesn't care about that kind of stuff. It's not helping your sitch or hurting it, those are "neutral" activities.
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Where I'm conflicted right now is how to treat HER. Right now we share hugs sometimes when we head out for work. Sometimes I say 'I love you'. She gave me a kiss on the lips the other day.
Don't initiate hugs or kisses or ILY. If she initiates it's fine to reciprocate. Nothing more. Do you read Sandi's rules every day? That is EXACTLY how you should treat her.
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Later she asked if someone was flirting with me while I was at work. In reality, yes, someone had. And it felt good. The girl works elsewhere, but I deal with her now and then with what I do for work. I'm not interested, of course, but it was nice to get that attention.
Good grief, you sound like a man that just dragged himself out of the desert and a lawn sprinkler sprayed a little water on him. To everyone else it's nothing, to him it's like nectar of the gods.
You're offering too much info to your W. Why does she need to know why you have a little spring in your step? The whole idea of DB'ing is to be MYSTERIOUS.
Good grief, you sound like a man that just dragged himself out of the desert and a lawn sprinkler sprayed a little water on him.
Haha. Not going to deny that one bit!
Honestly, I didn't want to tell her. Wasn't even planning on it. The spring in my step was really natural walking in the door yesterday. She noticed it. Asked what was going on and I just said I was in a good mood, then started playing with the kids.
When she got home from work that evening she asked again about my mood, then asked about whether someone flirted with me. I must have had a little smile and she said, "that's it! I knew it!" (in a laughing way, nothing accusational)
I agreed it happened but did my best to downplay it.
Again, it wasn't intentional. I'm trying to just be in the moment, be happy with the changes I've made and focus on my happiness more.
