Advice on my scenario pt. 2

[SteveLW]

B) but leave out the part about being lied to. Remember, you catch more flies with sugar............

If you want to see the jacket again be as nice as punch.

[OrangeK]

Ok thanks. I just replied thusly
"OK thanks, I know she should definitely have it as i already looked through my stuff to be sure and i remember seeing her pack it with her stuff when she was moving her stuff out of our old apartment"

If they continue to tell me she doesn't have it I will present the photo if need be, but for now I will take the high road.

[OrangeK]

I'm just trying to get my ducks in a row for when communication is available again.
Almost like a Sales rebuttal sheet lol.

If she is hostile / argumentative?
If she is cold / stonewalling?
If she pretends like nothing happened?
if she is pleasant or even warm?
If she is remorseful / apologetic (not holding my breath)

I just don't see how she will try to act normal, last time we talked she still denied being in a R with OM but we both knew it was true at the time she said it.
Will she continue to deny or admit what has been happening that she knows we're both aware of.

All the what if's...as the Court Date draws closer its harder and harder not to dwell.

Does anyone know of any threads on here of a situation like mine with the WW had taken off and there was no option for communication, and OM was involved, WW was moved out?


She left all of our wedding decorations and her dress in the storage unit when she cleared out her stuff back in March, which strikes me a very odd for a woman to do. Leave her first wedding dress to be thrown away?!? but i don't know if she did that out of personal spite or because she was with OM when she was cleaning out the storage unit.

[OrangeK]

OM is trying to "buy" your son's affection and score points with your W. Whereas, Daddy can do simple things with S3 and the boy is just as happy, if not more so.

My father had developed health problems by the time his youngest grandson was born. The little boy was about 4 when my dad passed away, and today he is a grown man. His fondest memories of being with his grandfather was them in the back yard and Dad showing him how to use a little rod&reel and pretending they were fishing. It was their special time together. I get choked up when I think what a simple little thing can stick with a child for the rest of his life.

Sandi,
Does the WW typically eventually see thorough this "hes trying to buy my love and my sons love" thing?

Also I know my WW, and if i had to guess im willing to bet at the beginning of things with OM she probably told him she was sooooo in love with him and he was "the one" to save her from what i would assume she told him that i was an awful husband and father. She also told her new co workers / friends that I had already filed D way back like a year ago, which was a total lie.
How do you backtrack from that as the WW?
How do you maintain friendships of people she lied to about me WHEN things with OM fizzle out and shes left with the true exposure of her lies, not only to my family and friends, but when all the lies she told her new social group about me and how our situation developed come out of the woodworks?
How does the WW manage the blowback of the re-written history coming to the light of truth?

[OrangeK]

AS,

Just had a chance to fully read and digest this.
Thank you. this type of encouragement is what helps so much when things get dark.
I dwell. Dwelling is an issue i have. Compounded by the total lack of closure, contact or info.

your bible quote actually reminded me of a quote my WW's EX told me when i contacted him to try and understand WTF she was going through in her head, "You cant trip on whats behind you"
and i try to live that.

I am going to literally PRINT what you said in response to me "living in ear of the TRO is lifted and she continues to ghost me"
and put it somewhere i can see it daily. probably in my cubicle at work, where i do most of my negative dwelling lol.

[sandi2]

Does the WW typically eventually see thorough this "hes trying to buy my love and my sons love" thing?

IDK. In my son's case, the WW was just as bad at bribing the kids as the OM was.

Also I know my WW, and if i had to guess im willing to bet at the beginning of things with OM she probably told him she was sooooo in love with him and he was "the one" to save her from what i would assume she told him that i was an awful husband and father. She also told her new co workers / friends that I had already filed D way back like a year ago, which was a total lie.
How do you backtrack from that as the WW?
How do you maintain friendships of people she lied to about me WHEN things with OM fizzle out and shes left with the true exposure of her lies, not only to my family and friends, but when all the lies she told her new social group about me and how our situation developed come out of the woodworks?
How does the WW manage the blowback of the re-written history coming to the light of truth?

Some people have been lying their entire lives. Those are the ones who will wiggle around things and act as if it was just some misunderstanding........or no big deal......whatever. While others will avoid the their former friends and in-laws. Sometimes they cause too much damage and they can't face people who know the truth. These are the ones who move away, or make sure they don't end up attending the same event as their old pals. Having just one person as a friend, can give people courage to stand against a crowd.

[OrangeK]

Does the WW typically eventually see thorough this "hes trying to buy my love and my sons love" thing?

IDK. In my son's case, the WW was just as bad at bribing the kids as the OM was.

Also I know my WW, and if i had to guess im willing to bet at the beginning of things with OM she probably told him she was sooooo in love with him and he was "the one" to save her from what i would assume she told him that i was an awful husband and father. She also told her new co workers / friends that I had already filed D way back like a year ago, which was a total lie.
How do you backtrack from that as the WW?
How do you maintain friendships of people she lied to about me WHEN things with OM fizzle out and shes left with the true exposure of her lies, not only to my family and friends, but when all the lies she told her new social group about me and how our situation developed come out of the woodworks?
How does the WW manage the blowback of the re-written history coming to the light of truth?

Some people have been lying their entire lives. Those are the ones who will wiggle around things and act as if it was just some misunderstanding........or no big deal......whatever. While others will avoid the their former friends and in-laws. Sometimes they cause too much damage and they can't face people who know the truth. These are the ones who move away, or make sure they don't end up attending the same event as their old pals. Having just one person as a friend, can give people courage to stand against a crowd.

Sandi,
Whats also odd is she seems to be going to only places that her and I had done together with our son in the past or places we had talked about taking him together. Like she is literally living OUR life with OM.
Why? is she vindictive and spiteful or just unable to come up with her own ideas?
i really think she needs to seek professional help for her issues and never will.....

[sandi2]

If she is hostile / argumentative?
If she is cold / stonewalling?
If she pretends like nothing happened?
if she is pleasant or even warm?
If she is remorseful / apologetic (not holding my breath)

Are you sure you aren't holding your breath?

I know you are talking out some of your thoughts here b/c you can't get to her. However, this is giving her an awful lot of head space that is a total waste of time and energy. You do know that, right?

Nobody can answer the questions you are asking. You seem to think that as soon as the R.O. is lifted that you and your W is going to be meeting and having a conversation. She may continue to avoid you and hide out longer.

Ler me ask you some you some questions. Why is this all up to her? Why do you want a woman with such low standards.......such as she appears to have? Would you really want her back, knowing she had been sleeping with OM? Have you considered your stipulations to her coming home.......if she decides she wants back? Have you thought about how to prevent this from happening again.......since she does tend to have a track record?

What are you doing to get your mind off the sitch? What do you like to do that is fun? Get a couple of buddies and go hang out and get your mind off how she'll act once you can communicate again. Cause, there no guarantee she'll let you. KWIM?

[sandi2]

As i have had to do all of my child swaps and whatnot through my mother in law, communications is a pain.

I just asked my mother in law to inquire about the denim jacket my son has that used to be long to my deceased brother when he was a toddler. My other brother and I both wore this coat as children, but it is mostly important because it was originally my dead brothers. Big sentimental value.

I KNOW AS A FACT that W has this jacket, as OM posted a photo of my son wearing it like 2 weeks ago.

I asked my MIL to let my wife know I'd like it back as id like to get photos of him in it for my mom before it doesnt fit him.

MIL's Response: "She said she thought you had it, she will look for it and send it over if she finds it"

Here's the rub: W doesn't know I can see things OM posts on IG, as OM has me blocked. I have a friend of a friend that sends stuff over that's relevant if OM Posts it (Note: I DID NOT ASK for this to occur, chalk it up to good intentioned friends trying to do right by me i guess)
So do I,

A.) Pretend i dont know about the photo that got posted of him wearing the coat in question and just hope she returns it?

B.) Politely tell MIL i know as a fact W has the coat and dont say specifically why, and that I dont appreciate being lied to?

C.) Send screenshot of the photo in question, thereby proving 100% that W has the coat and i know that she does, thereby blowing my cover with OM's IG page? (btw she lies to her mom a lot so MIL probably genuinely believes what she said to me about W looking for it)

Look, don't do this type of stuff. You are setting yourself up for a fall. It makes you appear unattractive and as if you have an ulterior motive.

[OrangeK]

Are you sure you aren't holding your breath? - No, im not sure. if im being honest.

I know you are talking out some of your thoughts here b/c you can't get to her. However, this is giving her an awful lot of head space that is a total waste of time and energy. You do know that, right?
Yes, wholeheartedly. I wish i could get her out of my head. The only time i can seem to accomplish this is when I am gaming with my friends. anytime my mind isn't 100% occupied she seeps into my thoughts without fail. I love and miss her. Ive mentioned before compartmentalizing is not my strong suit. People say "time heals", we've been seperated since Oct and NC since January, no changes for me yet.....

Nobody can answer the questions you are asking. You seem to think that as soon as the R.O. is lifted that you and your W is going to be meeting and having a conversation. She may continue to avoid you and hide out longer.
I dont THINK she is going be meeting and having convo's. In fact i highly doubt if that is how things will go. Its just the removal of the RO is the one things definitively preventing any convo's or feelings to be exchanged. I just have no clue what her mood will be, and fear of the unknown is the greatest fear

Ler me ask you some you some questions. Why is this all up to her? Why do you want a woman with such low standards.......such as she appears to have? Would you really want her back, knowing she had been sleeping with OM? Have you considered your stipulations to her coming home.......if she decides she wants back? Have you thought about how to prevent this from happening again.......since she does tend to have a track record?

Why do you want a woman with such low standards? - Until i can identify what caused her to do this, where she was at in her head and whatnot, i have to assume benefit of the doubt. Just my choice to be paitent. I'm simply not ready or willing to write her and my marraige off, not at least until we have some post RO interactions.

Would you really want her back, knowing she had been sleeping with OM?
I feel like A LOT of people on this board are fighting to get their MR fixed, after an OP. So wouldn't that question kind of fly in the face of what most folks here are trying to accomplish?
That being said, it would be a very unique circumstance if that were to happen. Genuine remorse, apology, explanation IN FULL of the entire affair, proof of re-establishing trust (which would take months if not years), willing to go to MC, staying seperated and "Dating", moving slowly back towards MR, amonung other things would all be required for me to even ENTERTAIN the idea of trusting her again.
In reference to things specifically sexually. Yes, im fairly open minded so if trust were there and work was being done on her part, i could EVENTUALLY become intimately comfortable again. Trust and Love come first.

Have you considered your stipulations to her coming home.......if she decides she wants back?

See above response. The main thing for me too is our son. I have seen him in so much pain and turmoil over this. I am very confident that spending time with us both together again would help him out greatly. If we were to be together again, i know he would do better. I cant say the same for WW and I but as far as HE is concerned i know he would be happier. I can elaborate if need be.
I really enjoy answering questions about my stich, i think its better to answer questions by the Vets than to just dump my raw emotions out and hope for responses. Keep it coming!

Have you thought about how to prevent this from happening again.......since she does tend to have a track record?

Again, she would need to follow what would be set forth as boundaries if she wanted to go to MC and work on MR. It would need to be very transparent and she would need to understand that my trust would be a LONG TIME in returning.
As far as a track record, i am her first husband and our son is her only child. Its hard to look at track records when my dynamic with her is a lot different from others in the past, even if her behavior is similar, each situation is different and would cause different emotional responses. Honestly, its hard to say Sandi. Shes a tough one to read. She kept the wool over my eyes quite successfully for the better part of a year.



What are you doing to get your mind off the sitch? What do you like to do that is fun? Get a couple of buddies and go hang out and get your mind off how she'll act once you can communicate again. Cause, there no guarantee she'll let you. KWIM?
Tabletop gaming, hiking, rock climbing.
this is what ive been trying to do, and when i am doing those activities it works. It is when I am stuck in my cubicle at work, or when im driving, or lying in bed at night, when my mind has time to wander. it always wanders to her.

Sandi, Ill be frank. Im still very much in love, probably co dependant. I resolved to spend the rest of my life with this woman.
I did nto make that choice lightly.
I have had SO MANY people advise me to "just write her off" "Move on" "dude, she played you, forget her"
I CANT DO IT. i have tried. Honestly, If i ever will be able to, im certainly not ready yet.
I want this to be fixed, i want her back (only if its real)
Let me be clear that as much as i want all this, i will not compromise to get it.
The affair WASN'T MY FAULT.
I am a good partner, i treated her well. I DID NOT DESERVE THIS.
So it will take COLOSSAL effort and work on her part to fix, should she choose to try, but I told her months ago, if she makes that decision, I will be there the whole time, supporting her, but she needs to see the need to change, seize the motivation to change, and put in the work to make the changes and keep them.

I cant get it out of my head that we are meant to be together and this is just our biggest challenge.
I still believe this cane bring us closer in the end.
I still want my family together.
I DO feel like a sucker some times, but other times im proud to be as devoted to Recon as i am. I feel like lesser husbands would have given up by now.
I truly feel that whether this is from some type of Personality Disorder or she got caught up in Cold Feet / Post Partum / "Feeling Trapped"
whichever of these it is, it feels to me like a mental issue or "temporary insanity" kind of thing.
Either way, i said "In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad"
We live in a very throwaway society these days, but I'm an old soul.
You and I dont share a basis of Faith Sandi, as religion was never part of my life growing up.
But the role of father husband provider is HUGE to me, and i believe in second chances, redemption and turning over new leafs.

This is why i filed a motion to put the D on hold. When i filed before i was running off of pure emotion. NC has allowed me to step back and look at this logically. My logic has told me that i shouldn't make an major decisions while both our emotions are so raw and her limerence with AP is still in full swing.
This way, if she TRULY wants to D, she will have to step to the plate and do it herself, rather than just play the victim, re-write history and let me do all the D legwork while she paints me as the bad man because I had the nerve to divorce HER.

I read all the other posts of peoples WW's re-writing history and saying / doing totally crazy things, despite being otherwise normal women.

this positiviety and benefit of the doubt / supportive attitude & atmosphere is what made me magnetize to the DB forums as opposed to negative spiteful places like Quora.
Here i feel like people actually listen and share Experiences.