How long does it take to get to that completely detached, "i truly dont care state"?
Again. I'm just mad. Don't want the guy back.
I had a weird dream that i had a beautiful house and he was walking into different rooms with me and I was afraid of him. He was accusing me of something regarding son. And he indicated that he would want to try again, and without hesitation I said "no". But i really didn't trust him in the room with the pool (it really was a beautiful home) I thought he would kill me.
He is not violent. Has never threatened me and Has never once wanted to get back with me either. But it was such a vivid dream.
Dream interpretation isn't as mystical as I once thought. There are some certain recurring themes that come up.
And most importantly is this: While the causes for your feelings in a dream are disguised, the feelings themselves are absolutely consistent. In other words, if you feel threatened in a dream it is because you are feeling threatened in real life.
Some common dream symbols:
The house. Represents you, your inner being. Discovering new rooms is finding new parts of yourself. The fact that it is beautiful may suggest you like a lot of what is unfolding as you rediscover yourself and start shaping your new life.
The pool. Water is your deepest emotions.
So the meaning isn't even really disguised. It eerily matches the first half of your post, the whole "how long until I don't care" question. You want to be 'meh', you don't want him in your house (new life) or near your pool (influencing your emotions). But he still is. This is the threat. It has nothing to do with the real person he is, but as long as he remains such a focal part of your world, he threatens the new life you are building and the peace and happiness you search for.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks forbthe interpretation. Although i thought the house part was just because I want one so badly and I took it as a sign to buy lotto tickets ☺
So, my life is going ok. I'm moving forward. I consistently meet women that have gone through similar stories. I recently caught up with a very close old friend whose ex was really really bad as well.
I am still really angry at people capable of doing this to their families. They often act like "neither of us are bad people, we just make each other miserable". And the world accepts the divorce as this mutual thing. But that is not what i see. I see that usually its one bad person that cheats, lies, is an addict and living a double life. And sadly they had the power to drag down a family. They broke their contract. The level of selfishness is hard to fathom and their own denial and self justification is frustrating.
I dont necessarily know how common a mutual divorce is. I think there usually is this covert abuse..cheating, or drugs that is the major part of it. In which case the person being cheated on is better off...but still a victim.
So i am just really angry. Like I am against pedophiles and con artists and corrupt politicians.
My ex was a really cold cold person. To be able to just walk away from us. There was never any engagement, or doubts, or late night calls, or anything. That takes this extreme level of detachment on his behalf. And i dont understand how someone could be that empty and attached from the mother of his child? Its hard for me to stomach his mask. How nice and responsible he comes across to others. How he plays dad by taking son when hes supposed but barely keeps up with him.
Im not detached yet. But its not because i miss my ex or want him back. He showed me a long time ago the person he is and I know he's scum.
It's just i can't let go of my anger at his selfishness and deception. And at all cheaters/betrayals as well.
My XH wanted me to tell everyone that our divorce was a mutual decision. It was not. I just came home from work one day and he told me in no uncertain terms he was done. Now, there was no abuse...I will say that. He never raised a hand to me nor did he ever emotionally or verbally abuse me. Never one time. But, what I didn't know at the time that he told me he wanted out was that there was another woman, so he'd cheated and I just didn't know it til later.
I totally agree that I am pretty unsure of the number of actual mutual divorces. I would bet that, more often than not, one party or the other wants out then kind of wears the other partner down til they accept it, or as in my case, he just made up his mind and was going regardless of what I said or did. So, I didn't fight....I just let go. I think it was selfish and I think he was cold for doing it, but honestly, it helped me detach. I still get a flash of anger on occasion about the fact that he was able to just walk away like he did, but ultimately, I know that he truly did me a favor, because my life has been better in the last 3 years since he walked away than it was since before I met him....if that makes sense.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My x said we had "gone our separate ways" but that was a lie.
I share your frustration juju and I am of the mind that almost no marriage ends "amicably" or mutually.
IF there was ever a strong love on one person's end or both, then I don't buy it.
I have seen maybe 2 marriages that were of convenience and almost like platonic friendships at the start, in which there was never any passion but there was a child or a perceived "need" to be married at a certain age, and those m's seemed to end with less pain, but even then, it was not "mutual" at the start.
I think the discomfort of cheaters and walk aways is a lousy thing that our society is pretending is "all for the best".
Well, yeah it is better not to have a selfish jerk in your life, but it is not painless at all.
Maybe our society is just too uncomfortable around pain.
The walking away from twins is sucktacular
reminds me of the analogy below
For my x to leave when he did, (when I was so sick & after our having gone thru so much)
is like when two policemen are on patrol duty in a dangerous area and one of them gets hit, but the other partner isn't there anymore. There is no back up...
So the downed policeman has to call in for back up --- b/c her own back up is gone --and just waits for the ambulance & puts pressure on her own wound, wondering where the heck her "partner" went --
only to learn that the partner wants to be a fireman now, not a cop...and transferred right before she was shot.
A bit dramatic, I know. But that is how it felt.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Dawn, my ex didn't hit me or abuse me either. He just did whatever the h@ll he wanted. I do consider the gaslighting and money hording/lies a form of abuse though. I do wider cheating a form of abuse as well.
25, i dont have twins. I lied on the logistics about age/kid # to hide my identity better in case someone scanned the endless amounts of posts.
But i think that's a very fitting analogy. And think of the publicity that cowardly cop would have faced. People would have been outraged. Courts would have looked unkindly upon him. And to me, the committment between marital partners should have been greater then the committment between work partners.
My ex was a really cold cold person. To be able to just walk away from us. There was never any engagement, or doubts, or late night calls, or anything. That takes this extreme level of detachment on his behalf. And i dont understand how someone could be that empty and attached from the mother of his child?
JuJu - My ex was a loving person until her affair started. Or so I believed at any rate.
She was always selfish and self-centred not to mention controlling but like you suggest in your post, not overtly abusive. I do remember "joking" with her after her affair turned serious (I didn't know) but before bomb-day that our relationship seemed to have a lot of similarities to the classic spousal abuse. She needed to constantly know where I was, what I was doing and with who.
Personally I believe that the coldness in part comes from their own knowledge of what they did regardless of how superficial that knowledge is. Nobody wants to be the villain of their own autobiography. Getting waay out of my expertise - I would suggest that it's a defense mechanism to prevent themselves from feeling the pain of their victim.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
It's just i can't let go of my anger at his selfishness and deception. And at all cheaters/betrayals as well.
I think I will always have anger at what was done to me and my family. And I'm OK with that. It has dimmed I think to the point where I could be cordial to her in small doses - not that our paths are likely to cross even with 2 kids and living within 15 minutes of each other. I also try not to be upset at the people around me who "don't get it" and aren't as upset as I feel they should be. 3 years ago - I was just like them. I clearly remember laughing when General Patraeus had his affair with one of his colleagues was on CNN defending him with the argument that "the woman was hot".
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So, my life is going ok. I'm moving forward. I consistently meet women that have gone through similar stories. I recently caught up with a very close old friend whose ex was really really bad as well.
I am still really angry at people capable of doing this to their families. They often act like "neither of us are bad people, we just make each other miserable". And the world accepts the divorce as this mutual thing. But that is not what i see. I see that usually its one bad person that cheats, lies, is an addict and living a double life. And sadly they had the power to drag down a family. They broke their contract. The level of selfishness is hard to fathom and their own denial and self justification is frustrating.
I dont necessarily know how common a mutual divorce is. I think there usually is this covert abuse..cheating, or drugs that is the major part of it. In which case the person being cheated on is better off...but still a victim.
So i am just really angry. Like I am against pedophiles and con artists and corrupt politicians.
My ex was a really cold cold person. To be able to just walk away from us. There was never any engagement, or doubts, or late night calls, or anything. That takes this extreme level of detachment on his behalf. And i dont understand how someone could be that empty and attached from the mother of his child? Its hard for me to stomach his mask. How nice and responsible he comes across to others. How he plays dad by taking son when hes supposed but barely keeps up with him.
Im not detached yet. But its not because i miss my ex or want him back. He showed me a long time ago the person he is and I know he's scum.
It's just i can't let go of my anger at his selfishness and deception. And at all cheaters/betrayals as well.
Any thoughts?
Yes. Plenty.
Many of them unfit for publication.
He is a lying cheating wassock with massive entitlement and addiction.
He has screws loose and is a loose screw.
Dump him and dump on him.
I am looking forward to you being in the States of Neh and Meh. That's a short trip from WTFOREVER.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
