Hi Everyone, I am new to posting, although like many of you, have been reading a lot of posts and also read DR. My H and I have been married for 22 years, together for 24. We have two girls, 15 and 18. I think my H is in MLC. His communication skills have always been lacking, and all that I have really gotten him to share is that he is unhappy, and often thinks he would rather be alone. This was shared with me a few months ago. In addition, he accounts these feelings to years of a sexless marriage. I can certainly see my fault in lack of intimacy over the years, but he is re-writing history, as many others seem to do. I have tried various aspects of the DB process, with some success at times, but now none at all. A few months ago, I tried initiating intimacy and we were having sex about twice a week. I set up dinner dates with friends, and GAL on my own (starting going to the gym several times a week, joined a book group, reconnected with old friends, etc.). Things were headed in the right direction, I thought. For whatever reason, for the past few weeks, things have taken a turn. He does not want to go out at all with me, and barely speaks to me. Now, as the MLC seems to be progressing, we are like strangers in the household. He does not want me in the bed with him, and we only seem to communicate about our dog. Increasingly, he spends more and more time away from the house with his buddies. He did tell me he would like to be able to come and go as he pleases, without me inquiring about his whereabouts. I also stopped asking him these types of questions months ago. He has told me several times there is no other woman. I know DR recommends trying various approaches, but I'm not sure what to do. I have always been fairly independent, and have tried offering more affection/ concern/ caring, but it is not working. Neither does continuing to be independent! This is such an incredibly difficult time. My girls are concerned and would love nothing better than to have our family unit working again. I know I have only scratched the surface here. Any suggestions are welcome!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Can you give us a timeline? How long was your marriage sex starved? When was bomb drop?
What have you done to dig deep into your contribution to it being sex starved? Are you working with a counselor to address those issues?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thank you for responding! As crazy as this may sound, in addition to lack of appreciation for normal motherly duties...shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc... what I think made a huge difference was snoring. I know it sounds crazy. Bear with me. In the past 5 years, I lost my mom and dad, had a hysterectomy and a appendectomy. When I really couldn’t sleep, or had surgery, I recovered in the guest room. To my surprise, I finally had a good night sleep! I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t even think it was possible! I started to stay in the guest room more and more often. I bought breathe-rights, which my husband refused to wear. I used to start in the bed together, and then move. Eventually we both went to our rooms. After a while, this made me cry each night! Needless to say, to answer your question, more directly, the sex-starved marriage has probably been going on for nearly 4 years. I started to have no desire other than sleep, and my H said nothing.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Did you talk to your husband about why you were moving to the other room? Did you guys talk about how to keep your sex life active with separate bedrooms?
What other complaints did your husband have in your marriage?
Sex is a hard issue to address once the spouse has turned into a walk away, so you might need to start 180ing other things first.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thank you for responding! As crazy as this may sound, in addition to lack of appreciation for normal motherly duties...shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc... what I think made a huge difference was snoring. I know it sounds crazy. Bear with me. In the past 5 years, I lost my mom and dad, had a hysterectomy and a appendectomy. When I really couldn’t sleep, or had surgery, I recovered in the guest room. To my surprise, I finally had a good night sleep! I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t even think it was possible! I started to stay in the guest room more and more often. I bought breathe-rights, which my husband refused to wear. I used to start in the bed together, and then move. Eventually we both went to our rooms. After a while, this made me cry each night! Needless to say, to answer your question, more directly, the sex-starved marriage has probably been going on for nearly 4 years. I started to have no desire other than sleep, and my H said nothing.
I probably don't have to tell you that a married couple sleeping in separate rooms is no way to have intimacy in a marriage. Obviously you can only control you, but I have known many married couples that started sleeping in separate rooms for various reasons (recovery from surgery, snoring, night sweats, back problems) and in all cases those marriage resulted in affairs and/or divorce. You really need to fix that somehow. I know not sleeping is a terrible way to live, but you need to find something that works with the two of you sleeping in the same bed again or your marriage has very little chance of surviving.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes, I certainly see the error of my ways and did immediately once we started having any discussion of how we had grown apart. I told my husband that we had to sleep in the same bed, and that resulted in a temporary return to our sex life.
As I mentioned before, the past few weeks have been so different. He has told me he doesn't want me in the bed, doesn't even think of me in that way anymore. He has grown exceedingly distant and often does not make eye contact with me.
During these past two years, he has also spent more and more time at the local gun club. He is an avid hunter and practice shooter. We discussed the fact that this is a place where I am not welcomed by him. As things have continued to deteriorate, he now spends about 25 hours a week there. He has a group of friends with whom he shoots and drinks. They have been known to spend hours on end there.
As I mentioned, his communication skills are severely lacking. In response to other complaints, there have not been any. Any discussions we have had about our R, have really been just me talking, and him not saying anything. It is infuriating!!
Twice in the past two months, he has left the house. Upon returning from his gun club, he approached me and said he wasn't happy and needed some time alone. The first time it was for one night. The second time it was for two. He has even asked me to leave the house! Please know I am the one keeping the schedules for the children and making sure their lives aren't too disrupted by all of this.
I know swallowing pride is a part of all of this. I have been trying my best. This coming weekend we have a family (my side) wedding out of town. When I asked him about it one last time, he told me he was not going to go. I didn't nag him previously about attending, but brought it up one other time. I told him that I hoped he would attend with me. He said this time, he really did not want to go. This is devastating to my sister and her husband and they see it as a slap in the face that he will not attend. I was pretty sure he was not going to go, and will attend any way with my girls.
Thanks for the additional details. schak, I know you will probably think there is no way, but it is very unusual for a spouse to start behaving this way without there being an OW. Could this group of "gun club" friends involve a woman?
I am not trying to alarm you but the fact that you are not welcome is a huge red flag. I just went to my gun range (I am a member) last night. If my wife ever said "hey, its been a while since I went shooting, can I go to the range with you?", I would be all for it! So there is has to be a reason for his not wanting you there.
Also, the one night and two nights away, especially the one after returning after the gun club is another red flag that maybe there is an OW involved with the club. And don't be fooled by him asking you to leave. Wayward spouses are capable of all kinds of ruses. Most likely he knew there was no way you'd leave but he knew asking you to leave would throw you off the trail of what his "nights away" were really about.
I hope I am wrong about this, but my A radar went off with your most recent post.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, The possibility of an OW has been my gut feeling from the start. I have asked him about it more than once, and he has always denied it. I don't know how to prove one way or the other that there is another woman, without heading down crazy land and following him. Any suggestions?
My H has wanted me to join him shooting in the past, but we differ greatly in our views about guns in general.
