My dear Lou - I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. There's a trick with the current forum that pressing the Quick Quote button reveals the invisible posts so I read both of yours. You are of course worth the effort.
Originally Posted By: LouR
I however am still going through the extremely painful process of trying (unsuccessfully) to fall out of love with someone who I am still very much in love with.
Lou my dear, you are in love with a memory. Not a person. And perhaps a memory of a person who never existing. We can't know.
Those of us who have been at this a while like yourself know that love, true love, isn't something that we can just turn off. It's something that we have to grow away from. Something we have to release and let go. At least that was what it was for me. Still though, 2 years out and a year and a half from abandoning hope, this morning I felt my ex-wife in my arms. It was so very real. So real in fact that I had to open my eyes to assure myself that she was not there.
You are dealing with a lot right now. More than most people could imagine having to deal with. The added stress of the physical or even the potential physical presence of your H is not doing you any good. That is a feeling that I know well and for all that it's insubstantial it is still difficult.
Small town life I know well and I personally love it. I can understand how you, as a stranger are having difficulty. My suggestion is for you to check to see if there are any ways you can get involved. Volunteering at the local library. Make connections. That's how small towns work. My S23 got his job through the local poker game for example. It's tough when your finances are burning up I know. For now I would suggest mainly focusing on you.
I know you won't like this suggestion, but have you considered asking with the local court office about getting a temporary support order?
Know that we are keeping you in our hearts and prayers ((((LouR))))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
If you decide to reach out, you could do it by email/text and say, "I understand that you are going to be in there area. Would you like to come by our son's place or meet up for a coffee?" You can figure out how you want to word it, but keep in mind, that if he accepts you will need to listen and allow him to do most of the talking. He needs to feel "safe" in your company once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Andrew - It is good to hear from you my friend, I see you have jumped over to another forum so thank you for checking in and taking the time to write to me. As always very much appreciated.
Yes I am stressed, but I did put myself in this position. I felt like I was dying inside and had an overwhelming need to be on my own and have a meltdown, something I had not really had the opportunity to do once he left after BD2. It was not the most sensible of moves and made from a very bad head space but its done now so time to get myself out of this pit.
I came from a small village, smaller than the town I am currently living in, so I am used to being rural, but this town really has nothing going for it, yes I completely agree it is who you know not what you know, but unfortunately they are big on casual and part time work here and that is not going to work for me. You get taxed heavily on a second job so even if I managed to marry two part time jobs together the income would be less than a full time. Its an area that I really should have thought about first, hindsight is a wonderful thing, I can see that I have not been in a clear headsapce for a long time.
As for Government help, I actually registered this morning for a client number with the thought of applying for Job Seeker Allowance, I had started the forms and up popped my h name as my registered partner, I had to answer a lot of questions about him and our current status, which proved a stomach churning ordeal for me, it there in black and white all business like. Then went on to why I need to apply for assistance, and turns out I have to be unemployed for 13 weeks and they take it from the date my holiday pay finished so really that was that, I cant apply yet. I have enough to get me to that point, but feel that I will have decided that staying here is not possible by then.
job - thank you, keep it simple, got it. I haven't done anything yet, I am not sure if I can. The knowledge I could possibly make this worse keeps me from saying hello. If you are right then the only one who can make the first move is me, but I consider the fact that perhaps he is fine, has someone else in his life now and just feels guilt for causing me pain, nothing more, he is (was) a caring guy to everyone around him, he has already said "I care about you, I care how you are" in an email last year and if he really wanted to come back in my life would he not test the waters himself? lol, I recall having this conversation before !! I know that there is only one way to find out ........
Hi my love, I will have more to say later, but for now, here are some quick thoughts:
1. If I'd blown up your world twice, I'd avoid you like the plague out of both guilt and shame for my behavior.
2. Right now the main thing is where do you want to live? Do you want to stay in NZ or do you want to go back to the UK where your friend had offered you a position a while ago. Is there someplace close to the boys that has greater employment opportunities?
3. In my experience the harder I've tried to stop loving someone, the closer the ties seemed to bind me. It has only been by focusing on my own life that the pain has become bearable. As for my love for exh - well, I'm sure that's still there, buried. It comes to the surface every so often, crashing like a wave on the beach then retreating again. This trip has stripped away a lot of layers and you're uncomfortable right now because your newborn skin hasn't had a chance to get tough yet. It will. Take this time to figure out who Lou is, separate from Mom, wife, partner. What are your core values? What makes you who you are? What's left? Build on that foundation. Trust me when I tell you that it will be rock solid.
Yes the black and white business reality of our situations is both stomach churning and scary. But denying it is more frightening and dangerous, I believe.
Lou it won't always be this way, I promise you. I wish I had more to offer right now, but I don't so will just end with a hug xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Bttrfly, hello my darling friend, I am so happy to hear from you.
Yes, I see your point and mirrors what job has pointed out. I am perhaps sensitive to the "matter of fact" brutality of his words when he left both times, the possiblity he thinks differently from that now is hard to imagine; had this been round 1 I probably would be giving him a pass, but once bitten, twice shy as they say. I know that this is something I should to do, a brick that needs to put in its place and then I can figure out where I am and what I need.
This morning I have been talking to my ex colleague at the party hire, she said she feels my boss would be more than happy to have me back, that he completely understood my reasons for leaving and was 100% behind them, so call him and ask.I haven't done that yet, I think I need to lay this h thing to rest before I make another bold move.
At the time I needed to give everything up in order to have no fall back, that way I would have no choice to deal with everything. I actually enjoyed (most days lol) my job, it gave me elements of everything, creativity, responsibility and planning, it pushed me and it was fluid, I was able to run with my ideas. Unfortunately I was so unhappy and unsettled that I did not enjoy it as much as I feel I would now. On top of that I have seen how insular I have become and I turned my back on nurturing friendships as I was just in so much pain all I saw was other people having happy lives and mine was in turmoil. But for those who have pushed on and made sure they continued to be in my life, I feel very blessed and humbled that they saw me struggling and would not let me push them away. The main ones have surprised me and they are the new friendships that i forged where I used to live.
So to answer your question, it is possible that going full circle is where I would be happiest .... for now, as who knows what the future will bring .... I have friends there, it is warmer lol, and there is a bigger industry to get work, its familiar and I actually miss it. But as I also mentioned previously, I am concerned that I am making one decision after another and its just causing continual chaos in my life. If I say i am heading back to the North then I have to stop and stay and build a life there, no more running around.
Morning dearest. Hmm. I didn't expect you to say that at all, about heading North I mean. I think ... that might be a good plan, Lou, after you put that brick in place.
You don't have to stay there forever, just for now. If in time you feel that you've grown beyond that, you can make a different choice.
Make sense? I think you've answered your question my friend. Make the move with exh then make the call to your old boss.
Much love to you xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi Bttrfly, Haha, I like it that I am not predictable !!
You are very right and very wise. Email to h has been sent, we shall see what he does with it. I did not ask to meet up, if he replies to this one then maybe I will suggest it, as job said, drop some breadcrumbs and see if he takes them. Slowly and quietly testing the waters.
Just a quick update, h already emailed me back, short version is:
As always nice to hear from you, thanks for writing.
Talked about the boys a bit
Was hoping i would get in contact while I was staying with s21, he thought he would leave it to me to do so and that he had asked s21 to let me know it was an option
He is not coming down this weekend now, the trip has been postponed.Said yes he would feel awkward if I was around and feels it would also be awkward for S24 so thats why he suggested s24 go meet him where he is staying.
Asked how I am finding the new location, apart from being cold and is it somewhere I can see myself settling.
Gave update on our dogs, getting old girls now and slowing down.
Said he is enjoying his new job, pays well. Went to Thailand a few months ago to get his teeth fixed (has been wanting to do that for years) got a holiday in with it for the same price as doing in NZ and his parents flew out to meet him there as it is was half the travel time for them and they are getting too old to travel long haul.
Signed off, stay warm best you can, Love Me x
I have written back - short version:
Thanks for writing back
replied to comment about s21
said s21 did not pass on the message and that is a shame as it would have been nice to have met up with him. I was hoping he would have contacted me so took his silence as his message. Seems we are both as bad as each other and I really dont want it to be like this if that helps him at all.
Acknowledged what he said about the dogs, job and his trip.
Replied to his question about settling where I am.
Short end and signed off.
So no further forward, he is not giving anything away and there is no meet up, so not sure how to proceed. Is it up to me to keep checking in or do i leave him to it now? He seems to keep putting the ball in my court without telling me its there!
Lou, I found your most recent update to be very brave. It's so hard to turn that lens on ourselves and recognize the mirror work we need to do.
We have everything we need inside ourselves. We will heal and grow stronger. Peace awaits you.
Keep moving forward and the healing will come.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
If I were in your shoes, I would leave it be for a while. He needs some time to mull over the email conversations for a bit. He knows now that you are okay and aren't angry w/him...so give him space. You've opened the door for communication and now it's up to him to step over the threshold.
Now, it's time for you to focus on yourself and do what you need to do to move forward. You can't make him or his journey move faster for you...so you have to take care of you until he either gets thru his crisis on you completely move on.
Lou, be kind and gentle to yourself. You've had a lot of stuff going on and now, you need to tackle each and every obstacle, one by one, i.e., it's like rebuilding your life, one brick at a time. You've got this. Don't try to build your new life all at once...it's a step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
