Can I really do this?

[LH19]

We did have during our conversation, a brief reflection on our future and how I would happily work things out, but realize her decision, respect it and am working on my (and our kid's) future.

JS,

Be very careful of implying that you would happily work things out or saying things like "I will always be there for you". For this to turn around she has to fear she might lose you.

Understand?

[Dtrmned]

Will do!
Thanks LH. She does need to realize that it is a real thing.

[Dtrmned]

Definitely a roller coaster ride!!!!

I am definitely learning that I am and must remain the stable one throughout this process (however it goes). Wife had a hard day yesterday healthwise. Spent most of her day on the couch with a migraine. I guess it subsided later or she just toughed it out when the kids came home from school as she was up doing some household stuff when I got home. It was a bit cloudy and windy outside so I went and got ready for my evening jog. I had bought some new workout pants and shirt last week and hadn't had a chance to wear them yet. Didn't tell anyone. Came out of my room and went to get my shoes on. My daughter commented on the new outfit and said it looked good. My wife actually looked over and said "you look cute". Wow. didn't react, but she actually noticed me. Went out did my run and came back. Decent dinner, but then my wife kind of went off on my daughter for something (teenagers) and then wife seemed just very angry for the rest of the evening. I didn't pry, didn't ask, just let her stew and went on.

Don't know what she is thinking. I still don't think she truly knows what she is thinking. So just giving it time. Working on myself and seeing what this week will bring.

Boring I know, but stay tuned for the next update.

Re-reading DR this week and updating myself to make sure I am on track. Planning on getting out this week at least one early evening. Have a lunch planned with a colleague for business.

[sandi2]

What are your goals in this in-house separation?

[Dtrmned]

My goals are to work on myself. Focus on not obsessing about my wife, what she is doing, and letting her have her space. Hoping to have her realize that we, both individually and as a couple, have had a horrendous few years, we took it out on each other just because we didn't know how to deal with it. And hoping that eventually she will realize that "giving up" is not the answer, that she truly still loves me and our marriage and chooses to begin the long journey for us to work together as a couple and also individually for ourselves.

At present, her goals are to have the in house separation as she is putting together her idea (of which she says she has none yet) of how she is going to work, support herself and make her life without me. Again, I'm giving her the space so she can do this. I believe although she has mourned, thought hard and made her choice that she still hasn't had the true consequences of divorce and how it works click in her mind.

I don't know if this makes sense, if I'm totally off base, so suggestions on how to move forward and what and what not to do is greatly appreciated!

[sandi2]

My goals are to work on myself.

Okay, so break this down ^^^^^^^. What do you need to improve about yourself? Can you tell us exactly what areas need improvement, and the steps you'll take?

Hoping to have her realize that we, both individually and as a couple, have had a horrendous few years, we took it out on each other just because we didn't know how to deal with it. And hoping that eventually she will realize that "giving up" is not the answer, that she truly still loves me and our marriage and chooses to begin the long journey for us to work together as a couple and also individually for ourselves.

Let's back up, b/c you've stopped talking about actual goal setting, and you've gone over into what you want her to think. You can't make goals for another person. You have no control in what they think.

At present, her goals are to have the in house separation as she is putting together her idea (of which she says she has none yet) of how she is going to work, support herself and make her life without me. Again, I'm giving her the space so she can do this. I believe although she has mourned, thought hard and made her choice that she still hasn't had the true consequences of divorce and how it works click in her mind.

Not to sound rude, but I don't care about "her" goals. I want to know about your goals.

It's not good enough to just say you are going to focus on improving yourself. You have to seriously evaluate yourself and determine the areas that need work. Then you decide on the practical steps to get you there.

For example, if I said I need to focus on being healthier..........I would decide what all that included. I would decide on a healthy diet. I would plan my menus. I would choose an exercise program and set a schedule to allow myself the time for my workout. I would get a support system. I could go on, but you see what I mean.

In order to stop obsessing about your W, you've got to start thinking about yourself. I really am not in favor of in-house separations, but if this is what you've chosen........I will try to support you.

One point I want to make about this plan of separation is that the two of you have different agendas. She did not choose this arrangement as a plan to work on the MR. In-house S is the epitome of cake eating for a WW. Therefore, she will probably be in no hurry to finalize the D, unless she gets a better offer from another man. She can come & go and do as she pleases, without accountability. She has all the financial support and practical security she needs. The M could exsit in this type of arrangement for years.

You, on the other hand, are hoping against all hope that your WW will change her mind. You are hoping you will become good enough for her to want you again. So while she lives however she chooses (considering her health limitations), you will keep the home fires going.........praying that some day she'll get her eyes opened. .

Anyway, think about those goals and share them, okay?

((hugs))

[Dtrmned]

Dear Sandi,
So here is an expansion on my personal goals.

Getting healthier.

Working out (lost 15 lbs. so far and if I might say so looking fairly good as I was not overweight but now at 6' 175lbs. ). I am using the working out part also as therapy to deal with the issues that are both real and imagined in my mind. Instead of self medicating (never did that to extreme, but for a few months a drink here or there was easier to escape). So if I am anxious or anxiety arises, get my running shoes and get out and burn it out.

Eating healthier. Better diet everyday. Not perfect, but I feel much cleaner due to this with both energy and just self-esteem.

Working on just being positive within myself. I admittedly looked at the world very negatively when we lost everything. Prior to that, I was one of the most positive and optimistic people you would meet. Changing my overall worldview not to exactly what it was, but to where I want to be.

Concentrating on my future professionally. Current job is going well even through all of this. Some days it is very hard to concentrate and be productive when your focus is on your marriage/family falling apart. I am conciously (other than reading or posting on this board) making sure I am focused more on improving both my current career and researching how I am going to add another company or 2 to the pipeline. This is for me, my kids and our future. This is NOT a way to "bribe" my wife back into our M.

Working way more on GAL. I am finding this difficult in a few ways. My kids need me there so there is that. We are very challenged presently on the discretionary income (hence the in house separation) so it is quite difficult to justify "going out". Definitely working on it and this challenge. Looking for better ways that don't cost anything or are more affordable.

Since I mentioned the in house separation, I agree with you wholeheartedly that this could come to a HUGE attempt to cake eat and drag it out. Although she could, and may, at present she does not do anything social or go out due to her medical issues. If we could afford it, I would welcome it as I believe it would give her the opportunity to come up with how differently the world works. I know it may be awesome and better for her, and if that happens, let her go and be happy.

Any suggestions how to deal with this better would be great. I think she is going to start looking for a job so I think that is going to be a big eye opener as well.

Again, more focusing on myself, the goals I mentioned above and how I can just feel better about myself. IF this causes any change in her, then so be it. If it doesn't, then I have accomplished feeling better, cleaner, healthier and am just a better me.

[TBSakaJ9]

My wife actually looked over and said "you look cute". Wow. didn't react, but she actually noticed me.

My W has probably paid me 1 compliment in the last year.....don't sweat it just keep doing you.

[Dtrmned]

Nothing new really happening.

Wife has had some really bad health days this week. She's up at 3 or 4 am to get on her heating pad (I get up 5 ish now to workout in the morning and she is either watching tv or back asleep). A few casual conversations about nothing, way better than fighting. Other than that, giving her the space she wants and working on myself.

Working out prior to work and after work and helping the kids with their homework and stuff in the evening.

[Dtrmned]

So whats important and what isn't....

Found out some info from a mutual family friend today. Innocently enough didn't know they were giving it to me and I didn't react so they don't know that it was informative and I didn't know.

Heard my wife had told my daughter that they were moving (this was a few months ago) out to a farm (same state) and that they would have to change schools. Hasn't happened yet, and was never mentioned to me by my daughter and of course not by my wife.

Let this one go or ask questions?

Next is the rumor that my wife is now working. Must be from home since she doesn't go anywhere anyways, but what could she be doing? And she is always complaining that she can't do anything due to her health. Why would she hide it from me other than just wanting to lay her plan to escape and of course keep all the money?

So ask about this one or let it go as well?