She wants this divorce. Any thoughts on if I should resist or try to slow it down or fight it?
I feel like if you truly love her as much as you say, then you will let this divorce go through at the speed she pushes for. I wouldnt help speed or slow the process.
You have already gone down this road once so nothing you say or do can be believed by her right now. I would stop focusing on her and OM. Use this time to truly focus on you and your kids and become the best InFocus that you can. Really look into your addictive personality and figure out who you are and who you want to be. Then start living as that person. If it turns out that you rekindle at some point in the future, then great.
But I would say to set her free to live her life. That way you can focus on what you need to stop making the same mistakes.
InFocus, have you seen about attending anger management? Have you given up drinking and partying? For a judge to see actual steps you are making, would have to place you in a good light, don't you think? Don't be offended by what I am going to say. Staying out till 4:00 a.m. (even once a month) when you are wanting child custody, may not be wise. You are not a single guy who just looking for a wild night. You are a M man with children. That means, responsibilities. Do ever confuse how much you love your children......with how responsible a father you make. Put the action where your mouth is, so to speak, and become a model example of a fantastic father. Be a father the Judge would not think twice about rewarding custody.
Although my sitch was different, I recognize the frustration, unfairness and sense of hopelessness I see in you. I felt a lot of anger when I first joined the board. I was the wayward spouse, so it wasn't like I was going to get a lot of validation and support........until I straightened up my attitude and stopped gripping and blaming my H. It would make me so frustrated for a board member to tell me that my H was not the one here! And if I tried to explain the things my H had done wrong, I would be reminded that I was keeping score. You know what? I was keeping score, and that's why I would get so frustrated. It helps sometimes just to know you are being heard, doesn't it? We hear you, InFocus.......we hear you. ((hugs))
I have said much of this previously. You've got to stop watching her. Stop keeping score. It gets you nowhere but further backwards. I'm concerned that when you don't see positive signs from her side of the street, that's when you want to throw in the towel. No matter the results of the MR, don't give her (or anyone) that type of power in your life. Leave her be, and focus on you and the kids.
Set goals in how you can be proactive in becoming a man who is tackling his addictions and his personal problems in a civil and constructive manner. You can talk about what a great dad you are until you turn purple, but if you really are that kind of guy.......prove it to the case workers, or the judge.......or whoever wants to see and hear verification that you were more than just talk. Have the backup that can go into court and say, "Yes, this man attended anger management class for XX amount of time. Have someone who can verify you haven't had a drink in xxx amount of days. If you have fines, make sure you've paid them. Do you attend church regularly? Are you in IC? Are you keeping a good attendance record on your job? Are you involved in schools activities with your children? Have you met their teachers and attended parent conferences? These actions make a statement about how serious you are in changing your life for the better.....and being a stabilized father.
If you need a life coach or whatever it takes to give accountability, make strides in your life, and have a more positive mindset.........go get it. Take your focus off everything your W is doing wrong. Just worry about yourself. If you want to set some short term goals and come here every day to talk about your accomplishment or what you need to get a boost......I'll just bet these people will cheer you forward in your mission.
What do you say?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Personally I have no truck with waywardness in any shape or form, hers or yours. It's no way to be a parent.
There are three beautiful daughters in this emotional mess.
Children always come FIRST. Above you or your selfish wayward spouses needs. And yes that is evaluating both of you.
You are here on the board to do that, more power to you. It's time to clean up your act because I see it, these precious mites need one great loving parent and that's you.
Usually there is some deep damage which goes back prior to the M. I think that might be your case, are you having IC?
Are there FOO issues you need to address.
I understand you hurt, feel guilty, possibly afraid. Almost certainly have red anger which seeks revenge?
I think you have no choice but to stand up to the plate, these are wonderful bundles in your life and they have to have the best dad they can have.
This is a time of great change for you, are you dad enough for it?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Love the responses guys. I am seeing it more clearly now. I am on it now. Before she kicked me out..before the restraining order I was lost, out of control, reacting, doing all the crap I have been doing for years and doing it more while claiming to be trying. Enough of that. I am going to Ic for anger management, substance abuse, and learning how to handle this sitch. I have a hugely addictive personality, so I realize rather than deny I have to replace them with positive habits and addictions like fitness, self learning and growth, being an active and caring father.
I am not even close to being clear of this mess. I just began. But I am doing it. Day by day, taking it one day at a time.
I will let her drive this at her pace. I will let go. I will focus on my growth and change like a boss. I will focus on being there for my kids. I will leave all the bad habits behind, not for my stbxw, but to prove to myself I am better than that.
I am still scared and afraid, but let my actions lead the way forward so that I become the man I should have always been.
InFocus, have you seen about attending anger management? Have you given up drinking and partying? For a judge to see actual steps you are making, would have to place you in a good light, don't you think? Don't be offended by what I am going to say. Staying out till 4:00 a.m. (even once a month) when you are wanting child custody, may not be wise. You are not a single guy who just looking for a wild night. You are a M man with children. That means, responsibilities. Do ever confuse how much you love your children......with how responsible a father you make. Put the action where your mouth is, so to speak, and become a model example of a fantastic father. Be a father the Judge would not think twice about rewarding custody.
Although my sitch was different, I recognize the frustration, unfairness and sense of hopelessness I see in you. I felt a lot of anger when I first joined the board. I was the wayward spouse, so it wasn't like I was going to get a lot of validation and support........until I straightened up my attitude and stopped gripping and blaming my H. It would make me so frustrated for a board member to tell me that my H was not the one here! And if I tried to explain the things my H had done wrong, I would be reminded that I was keeping score. You know what? I was keeping score, and that's why I would get so frustrated. It helps sometimes just to know you are being heard, doesn't it? We hear you, InFocus.......we hear you. ((hugs))
I have said much of this previously. You've got to stop watching her. Stop keeping score. It gets you nowhere but further backwards. I'm concerned that when you don't see positive signs from her side of the street, that's when you want to throw in the towel. No matter the results of the MR, don't give her (or anyone) that type of power in your life. Leave her be, and focus on you and the kids.
Set goals in how you can be proactive in becoming a man who is tackling his addictions and his personal problems in a civil and constructive manner. You can talk about what a great dad you are until you turn purple, but if you really are that kind of guy.......prove it to the case workers, or the judge.......or whoever wants to see and hear verification that you were more than just talk. Have the backup that can go into court and say, "Yes, this man attended anger management class for XX amount of time. Have someone who can verify you haven't had a drink in xxx amount of days. If you have fines, make sure you've paid them. Do you attend church regularly? Are you in IC? Are you keeping a good attendance record on your job? Are you involved in schools activities with your children? Have you met their teachers and attended parent conferences? These actions make a statement about how serious you are in changing your life for the better.....and being a stabilized father.
If you need a life coach or whatever it takes to give accountability, make strides in your life, and have a more positive mindset.........go get it. Take your focus off everything your W is doing wrong. Just worry about yourself. If you want to set some short term goals and come here every day to talk about your accomplishment or what you need to get a boost......I'll just bet these people will cheer you forward in your mission.
What do you say?
Yes, thank you. I feel so much regret and loss. Anger is there...but the loss and regret is sometimes overwhelming. I feel so lost and then hopeful. I make so much sense one minute and sound crazy the next. I may be bi-polar...not feeling good atm.
Personally I have no truck with waywardness in any shape or form, hers or yours. It's no way to be a parent.
There are three beautiful daughters in this emotional mess.
Children always come FIRST. Above you or your selfish wayward spouses needs. And yes that is evaluating both of you.
You are here on the board to do that, more power to you. It's time to clean up your act because I see it, these precious mites need one great loving parent and that's you.
Usually there is some deep damage which goes back prior to the M. I think that might be your case, are you having IC?
Are there FOO issues you need to address.
I understand you hurt, feel guilty, possibly afraid. Almost certainly have red anger which seeks revenge?
I think you have no choice but to stand up to the plate, these are wonderful bundles in your life and they have to have the best dad they can have.
This is a time of great change for you, are you dad enough for it?
Hi InFocus, i felt like i have to write to you. I am not going to be pleasant and comforting you, i believe you do no need to be comforted, but told the reality.
1. I have been there where you are. I was WH had affair, then turn back to marriage, had WAW for 3 years the she turns WW for the last 2 years. So i know how you are filling....
2.Stop pity party game, this is only prolong you way to become real Man. Further more, pity party - like how you are changed and she do not give you attention, affection and sex, and hoovering her with attention and affection and push her for sex, is something that kill her attraction and build so meany negative emotions in her.
3. Found out what your issue are, from where they are, look at you childhood, parents and your life up to now. This is noting to do with your wife. To behave as you told us in the past, there is reason, there is a need that push you there. Found out Why, accept you human, and then do not do the same old behaves and habits. For me was difficult to live with the gilt about what i have done/did not done in our marriage. This gilt stop me to become real Man and respect my self as well as to stand up for me, when my wife become using my gilt to punish (A very hurt woman, could become addicted to the filling of punishing). So accept you were very wrong, and commit to your self never do this again to any woman being with you. 4. Just stop being a mess, left the past in the and made you new past to proud of. 5.Leave you WAW alone to handle her self, i toes not matter is you consider her as WW or WAW. Do not focus of her, and be only person you need to be happy, i you lay on other to made you happy you become codependent. I have been/be there.
Man UP for US and the kids.
Me39 W 41 T18 M12
D8 S10
I was WH 2011 WAW from 2012 WW from 2016 OM1 2016 (just friends) limerance OM2 2017 (just friends) limerance
She only has to believe and tell me so at this point and the world would stop for her. I may have taken her for granted these last few years, but as she takes me for granted now, I will not stop loving her. Even if I never see or talk to her again. Still...gotta live. Gotta continue.
See, this is what I've been trying to tell you to stop doing.
1. She doesn't have to do those things. 2. She's not taking you for granted because, as far as she's concerned, she's done.
It's not something that's easy to say to someone, and it's definitely not easy to accept. But if you want your W back, you really need to accept these two facts. If you don't, you will only sabotage any progress that you make with her.
Zero expectations.
That should be your goal right now.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
Hi InFocus, i felt like i have to write to you. I am not going to be pleasant and comforting you, i believe you do no need to be comforted, but told the reality.
1. I have been there where you are. I was WH had affair, then turn back to marriage, had WAW for 3 years the she turns WW for the last 2 years. So i know how you are filling....
2.Stop pity party game, this is only prolong you way to become real Man. Further more, pity party - like how you are changed and she do not give you attention, affection and sex, and hoovering her with attention and affection and push her for sex, is something that kill her attraction and build so meany negative emotions in her.
3. Found out what your issue are, from where they are, look at you childhood, parents and your life up to now. This is noting to do with your wife. To behave as you told us in the past, there is reason, there is a need that push you there. Found out Why, accept you human, and then do not do the same old behaves and habits. For me was difficult to live with the gilt about what i have done/did not done in our marriage. This gilt stop me to become real Man and respect my self as well as to stand up for me, when my wife become using my gilt to punish (A very hurt woman, could become addicted to the filling of punishing). So accept you were very wrong, and commit to your self never do this again to any woman being with you. 4. Just stop being a mess, left the past in the and made you new past to proud of. 5.Leave you WAW alone to handle her self, i toes not matter is you consider her as WW or WAW. Do not focus of her, and be only person you need to be happy, i you lay on other to made you happy you become codependent. I have been/be there.
Man UP for US and the kids.
Thanks, I will do my best to do what you outlined here.
She only has to believe and tell me so at this point and the world would stop for her. I may have taken her for granted these last few years, but as she takes me for granted now, I will not stop loving her. Even if I never see or talk to her again. Still...gotta live. Gotta continue.
See, this is what I've been trying to tell you to stop doing.
1. She doesn't have to do those things. 2. She's not taking you for granted because, as far as she's concerned, she's done.
It's not something that's easy to say to someone, and it's definitely not easy to accept. But if you want your W back, you really need to accept these two facts. If you don't, you will only sabotage any progress that you make with her.
Zero expectations.
That should be your goal right now.
I am getting there. It's taking me a lot of time to accept that. While I feel/think these feelings and thoughts, I do not convey, express, or show any need or desire for her. I actually have no contact outside texts communicating about the children. It's getting easier, but still lingering. My actions have been pure detachment and GAL.
I get the kids today. She may want to talk face to face and that scares me because she can see right thru me.
Just want to do our interactions as little as possible...purely about the kids.
At this point I realize the marriage is over. I am going with the flow. I will not stop or slow divorce, but I am waiting on her to push and drive it since that's what she wants.
You know what? I