New LBW, H maybe in MLC and now with OW - part 2

[AnotherStander]

I need some strength today. I am having a down day, and feel like running to H and begging him to come home. The idea of him with someone else is killing me. I'm trying to stay busy, GAL, but I can't stay focused.

So sorry you're having a bad day Meg! It's completely normal though, we all went through it. Good days and bad days and great days and miserable days. As time goes on the good days increase and the crappy ones decrease!

One of my oldest friends told me about Celebration Recovery at her church, she said it's not just for addiction and it might help a little. I'm not really religious, but I think I'll go this Friday. My mind is just not in a good place.

I am not at all religious anymore (I was very much so for a long time), I have my spiritual beliefs but in general I shun established religions and all their rules and regulations and "you need to believe my dogma because it's the only right dogma" junk. That said, sometimes it's nice just to go to church events and hang out, everyone tends to be on their best behavior and it's a very friendly and understanding environment. If that's all that's available to you then go for it.

[meg24]

Had to talk to H on the phone at lunch time, to go over some financial information. He actually could have texted me the info, but he wanted to talk. He asked how I was doing, I told him the same. I know, I know, I should have told him I'm doing fine. But when talking on the phone, he can hear my voice. So I told him the truth. 180 for me, telling him my feeling.

I know that's one of the things he wants, one of his isssues with me, I don't tell him my feelings.

I was like Steve - I read, read, read. It was a little hard for me as most books were geared to spouse having an A OR there were strong religious overtones, but reading helped me the most. Plus it just kept me busy in general.

I have been reading, lots of books. I'm rereading Love Languages again. And I just bought to read on my Kindle app His Needs/Her needs. I'll start that tonight.

The A your H is having hasn't changed. What has changed is your both have admitted out-loud to each other. In my opinion the A is filling a need that the H has... one need. He still has you filling all the others. Right now he has the best of both worlds. I really recommend His Needs/Her Needs How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. It will help you understand why people end up having affairs and why most affairs do not last. That may be what helps you pull yourself through this and detach more.

You're right, the A hasn't changed. The A seems to be filling more than one need, but mostly the talking I think, H said she talks to him. Of course it's easy to talk to someone who you don't have daily life and responsibilities with. I talked a lot more early on too.

This just bites. I'm feeling a bit better though. Until bedtime.

[Vanilla]

His needs her needs! Oh how I really dislike that book.

The difference between men and women is smaller than the book implies and not statistically significant.

People have affairs because they are lying cheating scumbags. Because they feel entitled to and enjoy it. It is their choice. It's a bad one. Or their nether fell into open knickers.

And no one can affair proof their M other than locking their spouse in a cupboard for life, even then they could have a fantasy EA with Jessica Rabbit. An affair is another's deliberate choice. Deliberate, the pixies didn't steal them and make them do it. There is a place in hell reserved for them, a very special place where they don't get cake but just desserts. No one can control another's behaviour and if they could it would not be very pleasant. We only have jurisdiction over ourselves.

And as for the OP, my thoughts are unprintable.

The A is fulfilling the need of entitled wassock behaviour. You as the spouse haven't felt the need to drop your knickers have you?

Let's not lose sight of the fact that such behaviour is awful and even true grovelling and atonement barely covers it.

V

[meg24]

V, I agree, no one can affair proof their marriage. Nothing is guaranteed in life. I will read anything and everything, and absorb parts that speak to me. I'm a practical person, and I can usually differentiate good and bad advice.

If reading this book, or any other, will help me to improve myself for this R, or a future R if this goes south, then so be it. All of this it to improve MYSELF.

Yes, cheaters feel entitled. But something along the way contributed to that feeling, they weren't born feeling that way (don't most young children love to give, naturally?).

V, you do give valuable advice, please continue to do so. But the extreme bitterness I can do without.

[Vanilla]

Meg

It's not bitterness, I don't have any in me. And I deliberately don't give advice, just my views.

My views are simply that my thoughts. It is my opinion that waywardness is inexcusable but not irrevocable.

And I know you are working on you, that's why I post to you. However I will back off as I have no wish to offend you.

V

[meg24]

V, if I misinterpreted your words, forgive me. Perhaps my frame of mind as me seeing darkness everyhwere today. No need to back off your posts, I appreciate them very much. I appreciate everyone's input and advice.

[artista]

i know one thing you can do to take your mind off of things for a bit... get those postcards and stamps and start writing!

put those particular books down... there has to be something better for the left-behind-spouse-who-is-being-cheated-on to read...

can i suggest a book? THE PARIS WIFE... it's not a self-help book... it's a fictional, yet historical, somewhat biographical account of Ernest Hemingway's first marriage and upstart years in 1920's Paris, as told from the point of view of his wife, Hadley, the LBS... if you love to write, you will love this book...

i highly recommend it, dear meg24... let this and the postcards be a slice of your GAL activities... and how about some more line dancing? did you tell us about that? how was it? i want to hear you breaking out of your dark, drabby, cloudy cocoon!

--artista

[KitCat]

I like the Artista's idea of writing the post cards!!!

As for His Needs/Her Needs - it is insightful AND can help you fill in the blanks.

FYI - My H had 2 PA's and at least 1 EA in his previous marriage. He was very unhappy in that union and really only stayed in the M because he didn't want to be a part time time and his W didn't want to end things.

My H moved in with me he had a few books he brought with him. One of which was His Needs/Her Needs. He had never read the book but had the books as per recommended by this therapist at the time. I read the book. We were only living together at the time. I found it interesting and when I finished it my now H read it. It was a good foundation for our M as you bet I had concerns about M with a man with previous A's under his belt.

You mention you feel OW is filling more than one need but I argue that based on what you wrote. I think the need she meets is being open and talking... when you do that enough over time it can and does lead to sex and A's. But, as you already mentioned she doesn't deal with the day to day living with him.... (he is still doing all that with you silly!!!) So you are right. When the A starts to have to shoulder real life, that's when it fizzles out.

The book will help you put it all in a series that will make sense to you AND help you see that you need to 100% stop filling up these other needs. Right now your H is living in hog heaven with OW and then having you too.

I think you need to be careful of sharing too many of your feelings with your H. That may not be the best 180. I think you need to give yourself the cloud of mystery. Let his calls go to voicemail. If its not an emergency text him later that you were busy... could he text what he needed?

Meg, he knows you want the M. He needs to get to the point where he sees you are not waiting to be plan B. He asked how you were doing because he is not a complete butthead - he does care but he also doesn't want to feel guilty.

Until you are ready to detach further and put him on the backburner a bit I don't see the two of you making progress.

Hugs Meg - I know this is sooooooo tough.

[KitCat]

ugh... why is there NO edit button?

... that should read "didn't want to be a part time dad"

[meg24]

You mention you feel OW is filling more than one need but I argue that based on what you wrote. I think the need she meets is being open and talking... when you do that enough over time it can and does lead to sex and A's. But, as you already mentioned she doesn't deal with the day to day living with him.... (he is still doing all that with you silly!!!) So you are right. When the A starts to have to shoulder real life, that's when it fizzles out.

H actually is not dealing with day to day living. I have always been the bill payer (I'm the budgeter, H just spends), so he just puts money in my account once a week. I deal with school, doctors, medicines, household chores, 95% of which I have always handled. Add to that now home maintenance, H used to handle it. Now I coordinate, S19 does it (most of the time he does it before I even ask now, he has stepped up quite a bit).

I think you need to be careful of sharing too many of your feelings with your H. That may not be the best 180. I think you need to give yourself the cloud of mystery. Let his calls go to voicemail. If its not an emergency text him later that you were busy... could he text what he needed?

I do have to agree with you, can't share too many feelings. Unfortunately, the information today I have been waiting on for a few days, so I took the call.

Meg, he knows you want the M. He needs to get to the point where he sees you are not waiting to be plan B. He asked how you were doing because he is not a complete butthead - he does care but he also doesn't want to feel guilty.

Until you are ready to detach further and put him on the backburner a bit I don't see the two of you making progress.

You're absolutely right her kitcat. Just have to pick myself up again.

On the plus side, I'm all set for Celebrate Recovery with my girlfriend. I'm looking forward to have a safe "public" place with others who are broken. Ok, that just sounded weird, lol. Anyway, this girlfriend was my best friend from high school, we drifted apart after I got married (I suppose partly because I was in Utah, she still in California). But now we only live a mile apart. Still only see each other a few times a year (different lives, we're not teenagers anymore). But she was one of the first few people I reached out to after BD.

i know one thing you can do to take your mind off of things for a bit... get those postcards and stamps and start writing!

I will definitely work on this. Might take me a few days to get to it though.

can i suggest a book? THE PARIS WIFE... it's not a self-help book... it's a fictional, yet historical, somewhat biographical account of Ernest Hemingway's first marriage and upstart years in 1920's Paris, as told from the point of view of his wife, Hadley, the LBS... if you love to write, you will love this book...

i highly recommend it, dear meg24... let this and the postcards be a slice of your GAL activities... and how about some more line dancing? did you tell us about that? how was it? i want to hear you breaking out of your dark, drabby, cloudy cocoon!

I do like historical fiction. I haven't had a library card in several years, I may need to go get one.

As far as the night out with SILs, it was crowded and hot inside. I have 3 left feet, so it was interesting, lol. There was a little bit of instruction, but it was so crowded we couldn't see her feet. We then left to another location that has karaoke on Fridays. Didn't stay long though, as SIL1 is currently going through D with my used-to-be BIL now SIL, and stupid petty text argument erupted so we all left, since SIL1 was driver. Yes, that's an interesting situation. Not my monkey, not my circus. So now SIL2 and I are going to start line dance lessons at our local community center (she lives just around the corner, but SIL1 lives about 45 minutes away).

But SILs and I have decided to get together once a month, much needed girl/family time.