Can I really do this?

[Dtrmned]

Thank you for your thoughts.

Isn't best to stop watching TV and the routine together? I LIVE for this time presently. That and waking up with her holding my arm in the morning are the ONLY things that give me hope. Is it giving her a sense of security? Is she just trying to have it both ways as she moves through her process and builds her new life?

So hard to find the right path and the right thing to do.

[Olya]

Oh, I know you do! I used to as well. It hurts to break this comfortable routine because it is so safe and because it feels like you have a piece of your old life back. But ask yourself, do you really have it back or are you scavenging for crumbs? Getting a life means not being your WAS's placeholder until someone more exciting calls.

Watch TV without her. Take yourself to the movies. Buy an audio book and go for a scenic ride. You need to learn about all the things you like doing alone and realize that your own company is enough. Then you need to learn to have a good time with people who are not your wife: your children, your family, old friends, co-workers. Heck, go out and make new friends. Try meetup.com. You can find groups of people who go out and do things together based on joint interests.

The point is that you need to live and you need to stop gifting your life to your WAS.

[LH19]

JS,

You have to change your entire mindset my friend. Your name alone Just Sad reeks of desperation. Your entire life revolves watching TV with her and holding her arm in the morning? Come on man you say in your post you’re a leader. Leaders are typically strong and confident and right now you are not displaying those characteristics. How can we change that? You excercise, eat right, get out with friends, take guitar lessons. You get to a fuching place where your life is gonna be great whether your W is a part of it or not.

We are here to help but you have to do the work!

[Dtrmned]

Appreciate being put in my place. Exactly what I need. I will push forward, continue to go dark and GAL better.

Desperate...absolutely. working on this everyday. I know we can have lives separately and I need to realize and start working in this direction.

Did my own thing with the kids today, although it was around the house. Worked out, and am making a nice dinner for the kids. WAW doesn't eat meals due to the med condition. Just broth and jello presently for her.

Growing the spine back more and more everyday! Glad the board is here as it helps just to vent and get positive feedback from people who have no dog in the fight other than to help.

[LH19]

JS,

That’s what we’re here for to push to try to get a little stronger each day. This $hit ain’t easy but I promise things will get better and you will be happy again if you put the work in.

Stay strong my friend!

[Dtrmned]

So VERY weird dinner this evening.
As I've stated. Wife can't each much due to intestinal/medical issues. I made a nice prime rib dinner for me and the kids. Wife actually joined us and ate some prime rib and potatoes! CRAZY. We enjoyed dinner mostly focusing on the kids. I cleaned up, went upstairs, did a few chores and read a little. One of my kids came up and we watched a show together.

This morning, up and back to school schedule so very easy as I'm the morning person and it takes my wife a long time to get rolling along.

One day, sometimes one moment at a time. I am keeping the long term goal in mind.

[sandi2]

Isn't best to stop watching TV and the routine together? I LIVE for this time presently. That and waking up with her holding my arm in the morning are the ONLY things that give me hope. Is it giving her a sense of security? Is she just trying to have it both ways as she moves through her process and builds her new life?

Being able to go home and let down your hair and just be yourself is what we all want and need. If it will help you, think of this period as temporary........not a life sentence. Here's what I have observed in many LBH's. These scenarios, as you described above, is really for him. It's not really his W that needs it, but him. It gives him a sense security, of being loved and accepted. The thought of giving up so little seems too much to bear.

Currently, she is in survival mode and getting her sense of security from her online friends. She may, or may not, see you as a necessary & practical means in her life. You supply financial sources, take care of the physical work around the house, transport everyone (including her), etc. If her current frame of mind continues, more illogical thinking and actions will come.

It is critical that you stay mentally/emotional/physical balanced. I'm sure you have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Some things have to be done, in order to keep a home running. I don't know her physical limitations, but if there is anything she is capable of doing......let her do it. Make sure there are clean clothes and food in the house. If you can afford to have someone come in once a week to clean, it would probably be worth it.

We push eating healthy, sleeping enough, exercising a lot, and GAL.........b/c it is what keeps you going, and you can't afford to shut down. If you aren't sleeping, try some over the counter sleeping aids, and if they aren't sufficient, go to your doctor. If you can't eat.....take that vitimen that has A - zinc. I will testify to it giving an appetite! (lol). Many LBS's are not interested in GAL, and don't even know how to start b/c their world has become so small. Their emotional self just wants to hang close to home. You must take time away and find something interesting you like to do. You can take the children and do things with them, too. Just don't rely completely on them to be your total world. You need to expand it. ((hugs))

As I said, if it helps to think of this as being a temporary situation, then okay.......just realize that in some cases, MLC can go on for a long time. If she does something unusual......or weird, so what? She's in crisis, so she's going to act weird. You may have to schedule around her, IDK, but try not to base your entire life upon her at the moment. Otherwise, it controls you. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't want to appear as if I'm telling you to be cold and unsympathetic to her disabilities. I'm saying you need to do what is necessary to save yourself first, by following these suggestions.

Find spiritual food for your soul. This is as important as physical food. Find a source of inspiration. Listen to upbeat music and motivational tapes. Watch funny shows with your kids. Avoid sources that will negatively affect your moods, like sad movies and music. If people around are pessimist, maybe you need to be around someone else ........if that's possible. You may not be able to control what's happening to your W, but you can seek balance in yourself by being proactive in these few areas.

Without sharing too much, I know what it's like to live with a disabled person in the home. I understand the confinement, stress, and draining affect it can have on a family.....and a spouse. I know the gloom & doom atmosphere that can exsit within the house. I know what it's like to be a caregiver. I know if the caregiver doesn't have some moments to restore themselves (mentally, spiritually, physically) on a frequent bases, they won't last long. So, please take care of you.

((hugs))

[Dtrmned]

I love this board!
Very nervous today as we are just getting back into the routine of everyday life not knowing what is going to happen.

Good news is that the DR book and this board is totally changing the way I am looking at things. Since our financial crisis in 2015, my ONLY concern was keeping my family together. I have been carrying that as a burden and weight for just over 3 years now. I let it affect every aspect of my life. Professional, personal, friendships, kids, wife, etc. I know now that even though it was instinct, that it was very wrong. I freely admit my part in this issue by doing all of the things Michelle describes as wrong in the DR book. I've begged, pleaded, tried to rekindle, bought gifts, ALL of the things that only pushed my wife further and further away.

Knowing that I have no control over her choices makes things so much better. Doesn't mean I like it, just good to realize that if I try to force, the opposite will happen. The constant worrying, obsessing, etc. over how I believe my wife is going to rip apart our family was (and is) excruciating. This is not a guilt play on her, just the way I feel.

I am going to pick up a couple of books this week to read as well and keep working out.

You asked on the health issues. I am unsure how to truly answer this as sometimes they are very confusing to me as well. I've seen the xrays, CT scans, mri's etc. and I see the issues and speak with her doctors as well. She applied for SSI disability 3 years ago. Was denied for her final appeal a few weeks ago (she just told me this last week so a little shocked that she held that back). No idea on what she will do for income and I know her lifestyle will drastically change unless she jumps right into a new relationship (again fairly certain there is no PA going on due to the medical issues) and unsure how long term that would work for her.

Presently, I feel she is a little delusional as she said that she expects me to pay all of the bills because we are still married but has zero intention of retaining a relationship.

She is reaching out to her mom and dad (father abandoned family when she was 12 and mother checked out pretty much and sent my wife to a special school for awhile). Dad was a mental/physical/sexual abuser of her and Mom allowed it to happen and then when Dad left, my wife rebelled and her Mom just sent her away. They are now her "lifeline" and will be her financial support (for a short time anyway as I've known them both and they will not do it for long). Wife wasn't speaking to either of them when we got married and now has a decent relationship with both of them, even though they still have the very serious unresolved issues.

Wife had a crazy teenage experience and experimented with a lot of stuff, moved around a lot, and was definitely self medicating and rebelling against what happened to her. We met and were immediately inseparable. Now, she says that I was the worst thing that ever happened. That she "sacrificed" her life to be with me. Funny how the mind can make you believe whatever you want. We are not perfect, but when we were good, we were awesome. We have been through a lot and I agree that most wouldn't even have made it this far.

So. Why all of this? I am unsure as to where she really is in her own mind. She is on her phone and ipad all day (boards, friends, etc.) or watching TV (ghost/spiritual shows, vampire shows, supernatural stuff (both reality and regular tv), so I think she is starting to believe that some of that is real. She got 2 small tattoos while the kids and I were gone. One is an arrow which she said meant "you must go backward to move forward) and another was 2 small arrowhead types on her finger which means "create your own reality". I figured she would do something like this as a rebellious thing. Lashing out like a kid, etc. I said "it looks great" and moved on. Didn't take the bait. I don't know how long it will take her to realize that life WILL change drastically and for better or worse, having the kids half the time will take a toll on her and change her life as well.

Working on this everyday!
Thanks again DB Board!!!!

[sandi2]

Don't beat yourself up. You have had a heavy burden.

My adult D was disabled. It was so obvious to everyone but SSI. It took a lawyer and appearing before a board......and then, she only received partial, but a little beats nothing. I hope your heart won't become hardened when looking out there and seeing people who appear to be much healthier than your W, and they are getting financial assistance. I struggled not to become very angry at the system. I've known of people lying and getting that check in the mail, and it really hurts when you see your loved one not receiving the help they obviously need. Anyway, moving along........

Knowing that I have no control over her choices makes things so much better.

Neither are you responsible for her choices. As long as she has free will to choose, she is responsible for her decisions.

Doesn't mean I like it, just good to realize that if I try to force, the opposite will happen. The constant worrying, obsessing, etc. over how I believe my wife is going to rip apart our family was (and is) excruciating. This is not a guilt play on her, just the way I feel.

I'm glad you are sharing your feelings, b/c they are just as important as her feelings are to her. And you know what? I think you may learn through DBing, how to implement some principles toward any future rebellious teenagers or young adult children. I hope you don't have to deal with it, but if you do.......you'll be a pro.

Presently, I feel she is a little delusional as she said that she expects me to pay all of the bills because we are still married but has zero intention of retaining a relationship.

I'm sure she is not being very logical. Not that it helps, but it is very common in the sitches we see on the board. There was a recent story of a W who wanted a D, but expected the H to continue living with her......and to keep it a secret from family and friends!

I said "it looks great" and moved on. Didn't take the bait. I don't know how long it will take her to realize that life WILL change drastically and for better or worse, having the kids half the time will take a toll on her and change her life as well.

Perfect!

[Dtrmned]

Weird day.
Couldn't sleep. Got up at 130am. Worked out a little and didn't help to get back to sleep. Very much on my head today, back and forth, obsessing... got out of that as quickly as I could, but did take most of the morning. Wife called later as my D14 was being a teenager. Let her vent, solved the issue and moved on. Daughter wants to do some summer activities that are fairly expensive. If wife is wanting out, this will be very difficult to do financially as we separate. Waiting and letting wife let daughter know that she probably can't do it since we can't afford it. Being supportive but letting the 2x4 hot her a little.

Got 3 miles in after work. Haven't been earing much, but resigned to eat better and healthier. Feeling better and cleaner.

So day isn't over, but started in my head, made it through and worked on myself.

All in all, not too bad. One day at a time...