however, it seems to be everyone's opinion here, that would be perfectly fine, and even the good move to make sure I tell her that I think that she has a problem problems that she needs to work out on her own, and let her compulsive and repeated returns to the OM are evidence of that. Part of me also really wants to tell her that if she is serious about getting herself right that she should reexamine who her closest confidants are, perhaps without specifically naming BFF.. but I am a little weary about doing that because I fear it may have the opposite effect. I don't know. Let me know y'all thoughts.
There has been quite a bit written on your thread today. Have you read everything?
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And I also intend to say that to my wife. They need to be told the truth. This is going to probably cause a major meltdown because it is her major fear and darkest nightmare. So any thoughts on how to handle an approach that would be appreciated as well.
I strongly suggest you don't use telling the boys as a threat.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If and when I go to the house which, at this point, is looking inevitable for tonight unless I figure something else out, the issue of living arrangements is bound to come up. And it should come up. I have no intention of tucking my tail and running for my own house. So that will have to be addressed, and I am still taking suggestions.
Similarly, when that comes up, the issue of what to tell the kids is starting to come up as well. My conviction, as I have stated before, is to tell them the truth. And I also intend to say that to my wife. They need to be told the truth. This is going to probably cause a major meltdown because it is her major fear and darkest nightmare. So any thoughts on how to handle an approach that would be appreciated as well.
Finally, I do not intend to engage in any marathon relation discussions with her, however, it seems to be everyone's opinion here, that would be perfectly fine, and even the good move to make sure I tell her that I think that she has a problem problems that she needs to work out on her own, and let her compulsive and repeated returns to the OM are evidence of that. Part of me also really wants to tell her that if she is serious about getting herself right that she should reexamine who her closest confidants are, perhaps without specifically naming BFF.. but I am a little weary about doing that because I fear it may have the opposite effect. I don't know. Let me know y'all thoughts.
No, no and no... You can tell her all that without talking to her, and in fact, it would come across loud and clear if you spoke with actions... Your ideas are weak, and reveal just how weak you really are...
I am glad you brought up BFF... you are afraid to make her choose... When my 3-day suicide situation happened, I deliberately stayed away from talking to my GGW BFF... I knew H hated my allegiance to her... I knew he could be tracking my convos and correspondence... I talked with her once during the three days... After that, I pretty much cut her out of my life... H didn't have to make it a requirement because by the time we truly reconciled, GGW BFF had not been in my life for quite a while... if your W were ready to make changes, she would not be confiding in BFF... she knows how you feel about her... That is a no brainier... One more point on this... Even though I began cutting BFF out of my life at this time, even though I made that big positive change, I was still wayward... I still cheated on my husband within a few months...
Actually, I already told her all of that... except the part about the kids. It didn't even get that far before she was wailing and crying.
Oh, and I gave her until Friday to get out.
Also, this from her about 15 mins or so ago:
"Hoosjim, I am so sorry I know that you are hurting because of me and because of that I am dying on the inside. I am trying g to figure me out that is why I had scheduled an appointment with Jessica [our MC/IC] for Wednesday and also for tomorrow. I have done lots of looking into myself.And please understand that what you think yesterday was was not even close. I wish we could talk about it. I know I want us. Not because of yesterday, and not because of the kids, and not because I'm supposed to, but because I want us"
This was followed closely by a 40 second voicemail of which I couldn't even distingush coherent words through the heavy sobbing.
I think I may actually be growing cold and callous, although her crying did tug at my Heartstrings just a little, I have to admit. What is it about women's tears? Y'all put some kind of special chemicals or something like that?
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Artista, yeah, I read that last paragraph of mine in that post and I don't know where all of that came from. A lot of the posting I'm doing today has been on the Fly, using speech to text and sometimes trying to type it out on my tiny little phone screen. With lots of breaks in service coverage because I am in rural parts of the state having visited my son at college today. I honestly do not know what the heck I was trying to say there. I think it was that I did not intend on having any relationship discussions with her but would have no qualms about repeating what I already said which is that I want her out, there is nothing for us to work on right now, and that she has something wrong with her that she needs to take care of.
There is, of course, probably no way in hell that she leaves tonight, so I'm going to have to find a place to stay again.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
it seems to be everyone's opinion here, that would be perfectly fine, and even the good move to make sure I tell her that I think that she has a problem problems that she needs to work out on her own, and let her compulsive and repeated returns to the OM are evidence of that.
Who thinks this is a good idea? Not I... Not DonH... Don't tell her all that. Either have MC tell her that or simply say, "something is not right with you and I can't help you fix it, and I can't be here while you fix it."
That's it... Even that is too wordy... Don't talk to her about her patterns and OM... AND if you do say what I actually suggested, you say right before you part ways... No discussion about it... No explanation from her...
I have been away for the weekend, but I have been following along on my phone. You’ve got the best of the best here, and 2 former wayward wives here giving you the best of the best advice.
You still seem afraid of chasing her away. She’s betrayed your trust when you have been more than gracious and she took advantage of your good will and you still seem afraid you are going to do something that will make her go.
You need to make a huge 180. That 180 that would be most effective at this point is using as few words as possible. There really is nothing to say right now. You are so incredibly wordy, that when you are not, it’s going to get a very strong point across. Otherwise, she will not take you seriously again.
You should have nothing to say to her at this point. Let her squirm. Let her go to MC. Do not go. YOU don’t need an emergency session. She thinks she can make up for going behind your back with an emergency session?
It’s time to make the big changes, Jim. You are worthy of more
The forum is circling around you giving you the best advice possible. You have your W in a spot most LBS dream about. She is on her heels. Make her work. Let her do the work. If she wants to be with you she will find a way to work out the things she knows you want from her.
Please don't try to save her from this. I have been following all weekend.
You have to let go and let her go. You are still attached. Detach and make her show you she has changed. When she is ready, you want have to ask her to do the things you want, she will come to you and let you know and show you the changes she made.
Your W knows in her heart she wont be able to keep you and BFF in her life. One has to go! And losing you IMO is not an option for her.
Your W BFF is a WW, her hanging out or getting advice from her while she is still WW is the equivalent of a recovering drug addicted hanging out and getting advice from a friend still using drugs.
I'm in agreement with Ginger, you do a lot of talking, I think you not talking will send a huge message. You not reaching for her will send another huge message. I read what Artista has said about her own journey and it seems like she is giving you the playbook and a script for your own Sitch in some ways. Please use it.
We are behind you!
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Artista, yeah, I read that last paragraph of mine in that post and I don't know where all of that came from. A lot of the posting I'm doing today has been on the Fly, using speech to text and sometimes trying to type it out on my tiny little phone screen. With lots of breaks in service coverage because I am in rural parts of the state having visited my son at college today. I honestly do not know what the heck I was trying to say there. I think it was that I did not intend on having any relationship discussions with her but would have no qualms about repeating what I already said which is that I want her out, there is nothing for us to work on right now, and that she has something wrong with her that she needs to take care of.
There is, of course, probably no way in hell that she leaves tonight, so I'm going to have to find a place to stay again.
This sounds like you get it, hoosjim... You do know what to do...
Well, I did it. Went to the house picked up my suit and a couple other odds and ends. Also went over my son's task and therapy chart with him for the week. This is from my son who has Tourette's syndrome.
Wife was a wreck. Swollen eyes, still sobbing from time to time. And steadily is I left. The only thing I said to her was a casual "hey" with a little head nod up as I entered the bedroom. She was wearing a shirt of mine that she had always said was her favorite. Maybe part of an act, maybe not, who knows at this point.
Left without otherwise engaging were talking to her. Told son that I love him gave him a hug and said he could call me that I was not staying far away. I did not mention bring up or push the issue of her leaving the house right then and there. Sun Number Two was close by in the Next Room. She knows what I told her and what I expected of her in that regard, and I will discuss it further with the counselor tomorrow before I bring it up with wife again. But I do not intend to back down from my stance on that one.
I did have a moment of intense anger directed at the OM. I mean I know my wife has been a willing participant in this, but if that son of a b**** and just left her alone after I warned him off in August... I've never wanted to punch anyones lights out so much in my entire life
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
