DON'T YELL, but be firm... I am not sure if you should bring the boys into it... But if you do. Keep it simple: I'm done or I know, and our sons will know too... You have to kick her out. She might freak out, cry, beg... You have to walk away from all that.... My hands are shaking as I type this because I remember this part, and as a WW, it's scary... But necessary.
You cannot have a conversation with her. This is where you respect yourself more than you love her. You have to do it this way, hoosjim...
Emergency! Anybody answer who can. I followed her to gym. Om showed up about 20 minutes later. They were inside for maybe 20 to 30 minutes together. Then she came out on her own. Proof positive better than any I've ever had.
First of all, I'm going to leave the real advice here to Sandi and artista. They are the true experts. I however do think you need to slow down just a touch and pull a plan together. I'm not sure that the fact that OM walking in by himself and W walked out by herself from a very public place is the same as a smoking gun. It's a clue for sure and it's a boundary getting broken but in your W mind she's still "behaving".
I agree with Sandi that you should have walked inside, confronted them together and then said "I'm done" and walked out. That would have been the most powerful display you could do. She can't deny what is right in front of your eys - spin it perhaps - but not deny it. She could have all sorts of excuses now - "I didn't even see him" or like Sandi said "That's why I left."
If you feel you have to do this today, then you have to simply do the best you can. But planning this out better, catching them together red handed and then saying you are done, from my point of view, is the most powerful.
As for the kids, I have no problem scaring your W about telling them. However, I would not give them these details. They can't do anything about it. One or both has issues as well - why stress them with something they have zero control over? I for certain would not make excuses for your W - saying anything like this is your fault - which is how that will come off if you say it's because you neglected her. Less is more with the kids as well. Mom is involved with another man and there is no way that any M should have that. It's a life lesson for the boys but I would go no further than that. Yes they are close to legal age but whether 9 or 19 it's devastating when parents get D for any children of any age.
I still believe that if you do this right, your W will end up like Sandi and arista - back in a solid M. She has not thought this through. It will hit her so hard that she has been caught and it may cost her her M and life. But then SHE needs to do all of the work to win YOU back. You must make her do this work or you'll end up back in the same place again.
Good luck. Please let us know what happens.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
She completely broke down. Begged, pleaded, latched herself onto me. Promised me basically anything. "I want you, not him!!!!" etc. Many tears. Literally had to peel her off. Walked away then she followed. Called uber got in back, she got in front. Where we are now. On way to bar. Complete silent treatment best here?
he completely broke down. Begged, pleaded, latched herself onto me. Promised me basically anything. "I want you, not him!!!!" etc. Many tears. Literally had to peel her off. Walked away then she followed. Called uber got in back, she got in front. Where we are now. On way to bar. Complete silent treatment best here?
Last edited by Cadet; 03/26/1806:02 PM. Reason: Combine posts
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Just my two cents - I think you need to get away from her for the day - likely weekend minimum. It sounds like you are both in the same Uber going to the bar? I don't think that will work. She will do the same thing all over again. She needs to prove to you she is done and win you back. Otherwise she will promise you everything - just like last time, wait until things calm down and then repeat it all over again.
I think you need to disappear then come home tonight. Don't let her think you have left town or anything - just that you don't want to talk to her right now.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Silent treatment??? OMG... She should not be with you... I told you she would cry, beg, freak out... You need to send her on her way... Otherwise you are back in the sane situation... Why is she with you? This looks weak on your part... Just damn. You didn't follow through... No bueno...
You know she can lie her way around it, easily. Why didn't you go inside and catch them together? Now, she'll claim she left when she realized he was there.
She tried to claim the latter, but I just shook my head and said "stop". In the end she fessed up, and to the calls at work.
At bar, she got out and folliwed me to door. I said "W, you need to let me go,and go home". Her "NO, i want to talk! Please! Can we call MC and have an emergency session?" Me: Its saturday, im done talking about this. Go" Her: "I left my wallett snd phone, i cant get home" Me: "I'll call you an uber" ger "no, im not leaving". Me: silence. I turn and head for mens room. went into mend room at bar to ditch her and she was gone when I came out. Ten mins later she was still nowhere to be seen do I stepped outdide. ( I was worried, we were a long way from home with no safe way to get home. I said "if you need a ride I will call you uber, but I'm not going back". She says, through tears "I'm fine". I turn and walk away without further words, Then S2 pulls up and gives her a ride as o am walking back in...
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
You got the reaction from her that you wanted... But hoosjim, she has been playing you all this time... You cannot trust anything she claimed at that moment. I told you she didn't really want OM... And she now has told you that. But she didn't want you enough... She betrayed you... If you let her stay after this, she will not do the work. You will be back here. YOU CANNOT TRUST HER. She needs to get right on her own.
And staying away from her for the day or night is not enough... She needs to go... She is still not respecting you. She won't even give you space at this moment. It's all about her... Her getting in the Uber is all about her and nothing at all about you. She wants what she wants, and doesn't give a $hit about what you want...
You probably see it as a positive. That she wants you. Really, it's her getting what she wants... She doesn't respect you aand you don't require her to. At the very least, you need to demand space and time away from her.
Artista, I repeatedly said go, I don't want to be with you, please leave me now. She followed me, and come to me. I closed the Uber door in her face and she hopped in the front. I don't know where you live, but around here spousal abuse is a felony and I can get thrown in jail. I'm not going to get any more physical with her than peeling her off me like she did when I was getting out of the car. I don't know how I can look any stronger than I did. She is persistent. I can't help that. I mean, I really value your opinion, but do you really think I look weak? What else was I supposed to do?
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Interesting. She reached out to the marriage counselor on her own. Marriage counselor just texted me. I told marriage counselor that my wife is her patient just like I am her patient and if she wants to keep treating her that's up to her. But for right now I am done.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
