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I am afraid. I dont to be alone all the time. I think it is my fault that I am a disaster and if I cant fix it then somehow it is because of me.

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I dont understand how all of this happens. I really do feel like it is my fault for asking for things I need, or being sad or upset sometimes. I just think if I could be different, approach things differently somehow things would work out. I just feel like I need to change.

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(((HSK)))

I'm so sorry. I read your pain and your fears clearly. I want to leave you with a few more thoughts on your response. The first is that it really doesn't matter who is at fault. Even if you have been emotionally unstable, needing too much from him, or believe this is your fault, then that is all the more reason to take a giant step back from this relationship and heal yourself. You cannot do this while you are with him or attached so strongly to him. It's difficult and scary to get out of a relationship like this, but it's the only healthy option.

It's perfectly normal to be afraid to be alone. I think to some extent we all desire companionship. However if those fears prevent you from leaving an abusive person, then that is a big problem. You must first leave a toxic relationship in order to look inside yourself and begin healing before you are in any relationship, whether that is with him or another person. This takes time, and it does mean being alone for awhile. It is natural to feel anxious about the unknown, however what you do know right now is not safe for you.

No matter what mistakes you have made with him, and even if you have "needed too much" or approached him in ways that cause him stress, there is still never a justification for yelling at someone or being emotionally abuisve. Ever. And you cannot fix or change THAT or his actions.

You can only control yourself and your actions. With him or anyone else. When you are stuck in an unhealthy codependent relationship, you lose sight of that. That is where you are right now. Does any of that make sense to you? I know it's hard to see it as an outsider.

A skilled therapist can help you see this more clearly. Please start by finding one and reading books on breaking codependency. Remaining in this relationship, or continuing to long for him, is incredibly damaging to you and your sense of self. It took me years to break this cycle and I wish for my younger self I could have gotten out sooner.

I was where you are many years ago. I see this clearly. You have taken the first step by being open and honest about the issue. Now it's time to help yourself. You deserve to be loved and valued. You can only ask that from others after you give this to yourself first. It's time to take care of you and learn to love only you right now. Over time, you will attract poeple that will also know your worth. Please know you can do this.

Blu


Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon. Nelson Mandela
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Did you succeed? Were you able to heal and find a healthy relationship? I guess I am looking for hope.

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Yes! This was over 18 years ago and I am now married with 3 kids. My H and my M are not perfect, not at all. Of course it's not or I wouldn't be here, right :-)

My codependent relationship was my first long term BF that I met in HS. I tried to leave him so many times, but I kept taking him back. I knew in my gut something was wrong, but it was so hard to leave. I felt like I needed him to be okay. I was afraid to be alone. When I did leave, I didn't do the work of healing myself, so I didn't gain the confidence I needed so I would take him back again. I did this exhausting back and forth dance for 6 years.

It damages your spirt and shatters your confidence. I finally left him after we had a baby. She was still very little, only one year old. And I never looked back. Something clicked after having this beautiful little girl that I had to get out. Because it wasn't about just me anymore, but it was about HER. She deserved more from me. I knew I needed to show her through my actions what a healthy relationship looked like.

So I left and I never looked back. It was difficult to leave and especially because we still had to see each other and exchange time with her. He was very angry and his behavior escalated. This also helped me to see that my relationship with him had been more an addiction to the drama and codependency than about real love.

I believe real love is not only a feeling or a need for another person. Love is an action and a choice. It is choosing to love someone for who they are and knowing that they love you for who you are. It is the freedom to be yourself and know that you will both make mistakes but the love will not be withheld. It is safe and there is no fear of hurting each other's asking too much.

I have that now. I can be myself with my H. I think when we have the freedom to be ourselves and when we create healthy and loving relationships around us, we realize we don't need anyone else to be okay. We are okay just the way we are.

Blu


Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon. Nelson Mandela
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That sounds like a dream. A lovely, peaceful dream. I want that so badly. I just want to share my life with someone. I am so lonely and sad. I am unfulfilled. It is not like a need, it is like a yearning for connection, understanding. I just want to be seen by someone. I want a place where I belong, a family.

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To be honest, it is not a dream. Any long term relationship can be rocky and bumpy at times. My H is really a wonderful man and father. For the first 11-13 years of our R, we got along very well. He was so loving, attentive, supportive, and we shared this great sense of humor and created this beautiful family. I have always felt I can be my true self with him and he accepts me, even the bad parts. Even then, we had our hardships, the M fell apart, and we came close to D.

I think in any R, there are two people that are both different and imperfect. Things can change or go wrong, even in the best relationship or ideal circumstances. The only love and connection that is stable throughout a life time, is the one you create with yourself. My BD and separation with my H was traumatic, but it also forced me to change the way I look at my life and my relationship with myself. I think the silver lining for all of us here, is that we learn to take care of ourselves and do the hard work, and we come out knowing that we are okay the way we are and without our spouse.

If you yearn for connection, belonging, love and understanding (which we all do), then please believe that starts with you. It begins inside of you. Think about it from this angle; how can we expect others to love and value us if we do not love and value ourselves? ... The reason we are attracted to confident people is because we see that they value themselves.

What are some steps you can take to begin to see this? What have you done to begin to nurture your soul? For some it is various forms of art. Therapy, books, meditation, travel, etc. Personally I love hiking and long walks/runs outdoors, especially beautiful places and beaches. The opportunities are endless.

Your posts do read as if you have depression and that you seem stuck. Have you given thought to that and what you can do to help yourself? As an outsider looking in, it's worrisome.

Blu


Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon. Nelson Mandela
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I am not normally a depressed person and I am seeing a counsellor. Some how I am not making progress.

I always had hope and a belief that things would work out and that I would be in a happy and stable relationship. I have had relationships fail before but I always believed there would be another chance. For the first time I am questioning that belief. Hope is dying and I cannot imagine the bleak nature of a life without love.

I really believed that this person was mature and stable. He seemed terrific and I did my homework. After we moved in together the breakups started. Any time something happened where we disagreed he would end the relationship but never act on it.

Then the list of his needs (lots of space, time, no contact, no questions, no pressure, sun-filled rooms, certain kinds of food etc). Then I would do what I could to find ways to solve the problem (I would stay quiet and do my own thing in the evenings, try to create an harmonious home environment etc.) then things I needed to fix about myself changing my personality flaws) and now we dont even speak every day and that is still too much.

I realize this is his pattern in relationships- he blames his partners for his restlessness and loneliness. It starts out so well but quickly his fears take over and he punishes the one who loves him for loving him.

Now he is treating me with contempt and somehow this makes me feel worthless and unlovable. I so desperately need his acceptance now so I can feel worthy that I would literally do almost anything including completely subjugating my needs to prove to him that I am worthy of the love he sometimes shows me. I want him to want me again.

I dont want to accept that he is unstable. I want to believe that if I change something about myself that the relationship will get better. I dont want to accept that I have made this mistake and wasted love and loyalty and years of hard work on someone who doesnt care for me. An even bigger part of me believes that I have driven him away. That I am so flawed that how could he possibly care about me and if doesnt why on earth would anyone.

I am being belittled and blamed and accused and misjudged. He looks for flaws in all of my actions and refuses to acknowledge anything positive or good. When he calms down after a huge blow up he sometimes sees that he had a role and he is loving for a little while, until I start to relax and ask for something he is not ready to give me, like reassurance or a commitment.

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Well All of this posting and wonderful support is helping, and the readings too, my attitude shifted a tiny bit today and something happened.

My H asked me to have dinner. Normally I would have jumped at it but today I said I could have dinner with you but only if you agree to be civil and not try to bully me into signing over my matrimonial property. He said well we dont have to talk about that. I said ok but I will meet you at the restaurant and if I start to feel uncomfortable I am going to leave. Those are very tough words coming from me.

It was ok. He told me that he had done everything right in our relationship and the only thing he could have done differently to make things better would have been to leave me without support.

I would normally have been deeply hurt and threatened by this remark but today I wasnt. I started to see him with a different perspective. I have been shouldering all of the blame and responsibility. Normally I would have started apologizing and trying to convince him to see some good in me. Today I didnt. I smiled and said, you know it is really a rare person who can say with so much sincerity and conviction that they have played no role in a conflict. That takes a lot of confidence.

I left the restaurant first, politely, but no clinging for crumbs. I am home now, feeling a little stronger and very grateful for those of you who took the time to see me and to support me and to help me. .

I have a long road ahead of me and I know this is just a tiny first step, but it is a step. I feel a bit more human.

Thank you all so much!

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