I understand that this is a reconciliation forum. And the advise offered by MWD and many of the posters is wonderful when your marriage needs help.
Its not wonderful advise when you are being abused, gaslighted, or betrayed. (Although there are some codependent and masochistic people on here that will say otherwise)
Cheating is a form of abuse.
But he did not just cheat on you. He left you and chose another woman. He is now writing sentimental BS to you so that he can keep you on a string. He wants 2 women fighting for him. That serves his ego. And if hes going after women that young, its all about ego.
Dont go back to him. This woman has done you a big favor. She took an uncommitted and disloyal partner. She won no prize and you only lost someone undeserving of your loyalty.
If things dont work out between him and 25 year old, he will come back to you (hes setting it up so he can) and he will do it again. Cause that is who he is. Our forums are filled with people whose spouses returned only to eventually do it again.
Do you want to be back here older and with less options? Maybe next time he will plan ahead and wipe out the assets. He will be more experienced.
I know. This is hard sh!t to accept. It forces us to grieve. And no one wants to grieve when there is hope. No one wants to face up to the fact that the person they married was not who they thought they were. Its hard coming to terms with it. Its hard coming to terms that the person you loved and trusted is really a narcissist. Or sociopath. And trust me they are.
MLC is BS. Its a term that people that are capable of love use to project onto their spouses because they cant comprehend cruelty. They need something to sxplain the "how could they"
Write him back only when it concerns logistics. If you say "if this is what you really want" you are giving him all the power. Those few lines tell him that you are waiting for him. They show him that you are willing to be 2nd choice.
These are my thoughts.
Get into a stronger place emotionally right now. Build a new life. Put yourself in a position of strength.
Thank you all for the great advice and support – I have finally arrived at a place where I have totally detached and stepped aside from his ongoing game playing. I have found the courage to respond to his email (sent it on Friday). I ignored all the ramblings about his life, OW, wanting to stay in touch etc. and concentrated only on what I wanted to say which consisted on the following (and I quote) “I am saddened about how you are choosing to unilaterally end our marriage I will not accept divorce as my choice - I don’t believe it is a solution to our current situation or the right outcome in the long term for either of us. I cannot describe the way it feels to know that you have chosen to abandon me, our family, our marriage and our future life together. But I understand that it’s time for me to accept the futility of continuing to fight for our marriage and a reconciliation that you don’t want at this present time. I believe any ongoing contact with you will only add to the great amount of pain, hurt and damage to an already severely harmed relationship. Therefore, this will be my last direct personal communication and contact with you. You are choosing, by your actions and words, to no longer be a part of my life by wanting divorce, and I will respect that choice. Consequently, I can longer share any part of my life with you and at this present time I do not wish to see you or hear from you. Your choice to end our marriage in divorce is yours alone, I do not intend to invest any interest or time into something I do not want; as such you must proceed along that chosen path and any further communication and negotiation between us can be done via solicitors”. What does everyone think – should I have been harsher???? I know he doesn’t deserve to be treated with any respect or kindness, but my intention is to keep things civil so that when the divorce goes through I cannot be accused of being the “crazy, spiteful, malicious ex-wife”. I know it’s a bit late to be asking for any input into the content of the email I sent him, but I would appreciate your thoughts anyway……. It’s funny but I feel relieved – even though my intention at this stage is to do nothing but wait to see what he does, I feel like I have control over the situation and will get stronger with the NC. I know many of you have rightly asked about financial security, legal advice etc – I have previously sought legal advice (on 2 separate occasions) so I am aware of my rights and I have a lawyer lined up for when he files for divorce; I separated our finances back in December 2017 and we no longer have any joint accounts/credit cards – everything is in our own individual names and I am financially fairly secure (better than he is). The only thing we still share is our mortgage (which he is paying) and I need to keep it that way as it needs negotiating as part of the divorce. As most of you are aware I have relocated (out of the area where this all happened) and have started a new job (he remains unaware of this and thinks I am still where he left me) so in many ways I have already started a new life (its just hard to let go of the old one but I guess that will just take time). Thank you all for the ongoing support, wise words and feedback – it is invaluable to me. Quick update…….so after sending that email to him on Friday, I received a text yesterday saying that he had received it but had not yet read it – he was intending to read it this morning…….what on earth was the point of that???????
The truth is, if a walkaway wants you back they are going to walk through coals to do so. They will make it happen.
Piecing would never work unless they did.
This seems obvious now that you say it, that piecing would never work unless the WAS was willing to do whatever it takes. But as obvious as it seems now, it answered a question/thought that I had. As I wait for my H to come back around, I keep thinking to myself that even if he changes his current position, he'd never be willing to do what it takes to mend the damage he's done.
Quote:
I really think that the way we hold on, is to avoid the grieving.
Great food for thought....
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
A woman half his age huh? Doesn't seem like that could possibly last long, like another poster said, what could they possibly have in common??
You'll get lots of good support and advice here, these boards are an amazing resource to help you walk through these waters much more intentionally than we would probably be able to otherwise.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Thank you for your welcome replies. Some feedback I have had from friends and colleagues have suggested that my response may have been a bit on the punitive side, so I have done some serious reflection today on the content of the email and why I have asked for no contact except through solicitors. I am just so tired of it all - the ups and downs - the waiting for the contact he initiates (or not) - it’s like being permanently in a state of unpreparedness - one minute I get a text stating how "my nobility fills his heart with respect and regret - regret for what he has lost through his actions and selfishness and then next he's talking about divorce. I think I have done everything I can to try and save my marriage - honestly, I don't know how you amazing women (and men) have stood by for years while this has continued. I know it sounds like I am giving up but with everything else that's going on right now I can’t afford to dwell on him. I haven't heard anything from him since the crazy text message following the email I sent and I don't quite know how I feel about that - I guess a part of me hopes he will contact me because it fills me with hope (false hope that he still loves me) but I do realise that at this stage the best thing I can do is let it go - he is choosing to be with his AP and I have to learn to accept that. The NC is very hard for me but I do find the longer it goes on the easier it gets......so I will let things unfold as they should and in the meantime try find some peace and solace in believing that for me things will start getting a little easier but for him things will start getting a little harder......... . Thoughts anyone???
2surviv, I understand completely. I was once in an on again, off again relationship. Sometimes she'd go weeks without contacting me. It was easier as it got longer. Then she contact me, and I'd have that initial excitement. But then the next long period of silence would commence and I would feel terrible about the temporary contact that we had.
Hang in there, time heals all wounds. Only you know when enough is enough. Likely he will come to despise the AP. No way can someone "half his age" keep a healthy relationship long-term.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
There is no nobility to hanging on to a marriage in which your partner is cheating.
And i disagree 100% with calling those that are standing by their marriages with spouses that are cheating, and lying and gaslighting as amazing. Codependents maybe. Masochists definitly. Afraid of being alone? Yup. Afraid of grieving and moving forward? Check.
Personally, i think having the courage to pack your bags and leave and not tell him where you are is amazing!!!! I wish your post was read by more.
Your friends that think you were punitive are just wrong. Dead wrong. There are posters here that have contracted Stds. I have an acquaintance that found out she was hiv+ when pregnant. People whose Whose financial security has been sqandered, young kids that become anorexic or start cutting themselves, or are suicidal. All because one spouse is a narcissistic, lying selfish prick that needs a self esteem boost.
His continued appeals and contact is such B.S.. I hope you don't fall for it. Easy to because we want to believe. Just use no contact to get yourself into a position where any of your remaining fog is lifted and you can really see what happened without the emotions and continued grief. Think years not months.
Good partners, good people dont do what he did. You deserve someone that is as loyal as you.
