Sue Johnson would call it a dance. My circumstances are likely so similar to all of yours. One pursues, the other runs. In my case he lashes out with blame and vitriolic rage. Why do I stay? I think it is because I need him to value me so I can feel whole. I yearn for what he withholds. And when he feeds my need, in tiny inconsistent bursts of true affection and love, it leaves me still hungry and craving more.
Some psychologists talk about the original wound, somewhere in our childhood. They talk about attachment bonds, and how we all need a stable loving environment, that we all crave it. That we need it to heal, to fulfill our evolutionary yearning, to give us a sense of comfort, understanding, wholeness. It is not hard to feel the truth in that theory. If it wasnít true none of us would be hurting right now.
It is hard, however, to fulfill that destiny, to satiate the yearning when our original wounds make us unloveable. The more we try, the more we fail. The thought of giving up fills us with fear. Life without love or connection fills us with yearning. It is futile. We try to change but evolution has a lot of momentum and overcoming it with the sheer force of will is exhausting.
So, give up? Is that what we do? Become as disciplined as a ninja? Doesnít seem like the right answer. Forcing yourself to rail against something that should be joyful and fulfilling.
I am sure that my partner would have a similar story about how I smother him and how he wants to be in a relationship, but only if it is entirely under his control, so he can leave at any time without consequence. He wants connection without vulnerability or risk. He wants loyalty and love, but contact only when it suits him. To justify this he blames. I am too everything. Too needy, too emotional, too logical, to rational, too whatever I am being. His list of my excesses contradict themselves and I am dancing to try to keep it all straight. Do this, not that. Then do that not this. My head spins.
Then he is happy for a little while and I let my guard down, ask for things he is not ready to give me. And the rage surfaces, he lashes out and months of quietly building trust goes out the window. I am so drained that I cannot imagine myself being worthy of any kind of love from anyone so I reengage. Convince him to stay and so on we go, dancing in the darkness. Aware, but unable to stop, each wanting the other to change.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Ok everyone tells me to step away and he will follow. To detach and he will miss me. To get on with a life without him and he will wonder what he is missing. Is that true? He told me that the only women he ever really wanted were the ones who didnít want him. That just seems unhealthy. Does it change? Does it become mutual in time? I donít want a life of cat and mouse. I want a healthy, mutual relationship. I want something stable and committed. Is that where this leads?
I do realize that we both need to change and I am willing to do the hard work. I guess it is the only choice I really have. I might just as well hold my nose and get on with it.
In my case he lashes out with blame and vitriolic rage.
Can you expand on what this means? Some things aren't worth saving.
When I was 19, I fell for a good friend, but she was infatuated with a guy. She liked me, but she was infatuated with another. We were good friends, so good she would call me to help her after he would kick her out of the car and beat her, asking me to pick her up from a strange area and take her home. She couldn't explain why she would go back to him instead of to me.. But now she's dead and he's in jail for murder.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Well he doesnít beat me. He has a hair trigger. If I ask him for support, which happens I would say on average once every six to eight weeks (I keep a journal). Most of the time they are little things like I had a really tough day and I am rattled (happened once in the last 4 months) or a big thing like my dog was dying and I was shaken and wanted some comfort.
If I am vulnerable he lashes out. It enrages him. He screams at me I canít be there for you. He will start to belittle the relationship - you are never satisfied, I am giving all of the time, the more I give the more you need. Then it turns to me - you are pathetic, you could never make it without me. On it goes, anger, contempt vitriol. I will try to reason with him. I might say: ďthatís not true, you have been there for me many times, I just need a little affection right now. I know you care about me, I am sorry but I am hurting and I just need some comfort.
Reasoning enrages him further. Then he will tell me he canít be with me, that he never wants to speak to me again. That it is over. He will scream until he loses his voice.
I remain calm, but bargaining and reasoning for a long time, finally I break down. I cry. I plead and beg. I try to convince him that he is triggered, that his reaction is out of proportion. That this is not just about me. That it is also something from his past and that we are fine. I tell him whatever I need to to get him to stop and cool down.
Sometimes if he really completely loses it he becomes calm, and loving. He curls up in my arms and falls asleep. Mostly he just stays angry, seething under the surface, for days and sometimes a week or more.
Whatever I support I needed is long gone. I am left shaken and worthless.