Here again

[SteveLW]

AnotherStander nailed it. I don't think you win against a bottle, unfortunately.

Maybe losing her family will wake her up. Even if your MiL is an enabler.

[AnotherStander]

I didn't say it before, but very sorry you find yourself back here, and also I'm really sorry you are going through this with your W.
I've had to contend with two different alcoholic family members and it is just plain miserable. I think the biggest obstacle to overcome is just understanding that THEY are the problem and not us. It's their life-choices that put them in that position, and their stubborn pride that prevents them from seeing what they are doing to themselves and all those around them. Throw in a few enablers and it's the perfect recipe for making those who are just trying to help feel like they are the guilty party.

She refuses to admit that she has a problem, instead saying that I am the only one that has a problem with the drinking, and says that she is not an alcoholic.

Yes, denial is a symptom of alcoholism and is an overt sign that she has not bottomed out. There are a lot of resources on the Internet, here's a blurb from one of them:

Denial is a major barrier in the way of overcoming alcoholism or drug addiction– an absolutely essential first step is for the person to actually accept that at least they might have a problem. If the person you are concerned about does not admit that they might have a problem (in professional terms this is called Pre-Contemplation), you are facing an, almost, impossible task . If they are able to reach this conclusion, then they may become amenable to speaking to a professional in confidence. If they remain convinced there is no problem, then it is highly unlikely that they will wish to speak to anyone– after all, what would be the point?

The truth of the matter is, you have very little verbal control over a user. Things that you say will have very little control over them, even if they are sober when you say it to them.

Again I'll say you can't fix her, and any attempts you make will just damage your relationship further. First she has to bottom out and realize she has a problem.

It is so heartbreaking to watch someone that you love so much self destruct before your eyes.

Believe me, I hear you! It's horrible. But you have reached the point where you have to make a choice- walk away or get dragged down with her. I'm sorry but there is no middle ground where she can moderate her drinking and things will get better.

I am involved on another forum that deals with family members of alcoholics also. That has helped me gain clarity that the alcoholism isn't my fault, that I can't control it, nor can I cure it.

Oh good, you didn't mention that before but I'm glad to hear you've found some support to give you clarity!

I have held out hope that she will hit rock bottom for years. I guess my own rock bottom is within view, finally.

I think you have to hit your "bottom" which will basically be a refusal to tolerate this further before she can start feeling loss and possibly hit her bottom. You need to be the strong one, especially for your kids. Luckily they are older so their exposure in becoming victims to your W is not as great as if they were children.

[WBM]

Steve85 and AnotherStander:

Thanks for the replies and the advice. Moderation has been tried before and there was minimal, short term success. I believe that it was more "white knuckling" than any true effort at recovery though. It saddens me to know that I have been replaced by the bottle, and that it is more important than our family.

[SteveLW]

Steve85 and AnotherStander:

Thanks for the replies and the advice. Moderation has been tried before and there was minimal, short term success. I believe that it was more "white knuckling" than any true effort at recovery though. It saddens me to know that I have been replaced by the bottle, and that it is more important than our family.

When I was drinking, nothing would stop me from getting my fix. I spent more money on it than anything else. The whole time I was at work I was thinking about what I was going to get, where I was going to get it, how I was going to consume it. It took over every part of my life.

I didn't plan anything that didn't involve drinking. There are so many sporting events, concerts, parties, get-togethers, dinners, and other events that I just flat out can't remember.

I remember one night 2 buddies and I went to a NBA game. Over the course of the evening I consumed an entire 1/5th of Jack Daniels.

I woke up at my buddy's house, didn't know how I got there. My pants were ripped wide open up my right leg from my knee. My knee was bloody. (I had fallen, ripped my jeans at the knee, then later grabbed the ripped and ripped them further all the way up. I was on his couch, and on the coffee table in front of me he had left a big glass of water, and the empty fifth bottle.

No telling how much money I spent that night and couldn't remember a single moment other than sitting in the back of the vehicle on the way there pounding drinks.

You're right, to an alcoholic there is no such thing as moderation. If she isn't ready to give it up then she isn't ready for recovery. I had some major embarrassments that finally woke me up to my problem. 24 years sober now and I don't miss it.

[WBM]

Thank you Steve85 for sharing some insight from the other side. I am happy to hear that you have embraced sobriety for 24 years!

She has shown small acknowledgements in the recent past that she has a bad relationship with alcohol and has wanted to seek some help. I listened, and gave encouragement during these times. BUT, when she discussed with her family members, they all told her that she didn't have a problem with alcohol, and was crazy to think that she did. These are the same people that have come to me, one by one, and expressed their deep concern about her heavy drinking.

I have been fighting against the addiction demon in her, in addition to the dysfunctional family dynamic, in addition to our own marital issues. It feels like this will be a no win for our M.

[WBM]

I wanted to give an update and ask for some advice. I found out yesterday that my W has been recently talking to an ex from her teen years. I have not confronted her yet, but intend to ask about this new information and what it means. He has called her several times, always while I have been sleeping or working.

We have been getting along much better since my last post. I have been keeping to my own side of the street, and we have had very few R discussions. The ones that we have had were productive, although she says that she still wants to D and sell our home. She has not filed for D yet. The strangest thing is, she has not worn her wedding ring or any ring on her left ring finger since BD. Last week, she started wearing a ring that I gave to her after our first R on her left ring finger. I thought this was a positive sign. But now, after finding evidence of a rekindled old flame, I don't know what to think about it.

I am still searching for an alanon meeting that fits my schedule. The drinking continues, but, there hasn't been any additional verbal tantrums recently.

I wanted to add that, I read all of the threads on here, and the advice given to everyone has helped me to cope during this time tremendously.

[AnotherStander]

I have not confronted her yet, but intend to ask about this new information and what it means. He has called her several times, always while I have been sleeping or working.

Not surprising, there's always an OM, even if it's an imaginary one. There's not much point in "confronting" her, I think you are clear that as far as she is concerned the M is over. So I'm not sure what you are expecting to achieve by confronting her? That will probably just look like pressure to her.

We have been getting along much better since my last post. I have been keeping to my own side of the street, and we have had very few R discussions. The ones that we have had were productive, although she says that she still wants to D and sell our home. She has not filed for D yet.

Good, you're keeping the pressure off. That's why you're getting along better, she doesn't feel the need to keep reminding you that the M is done when you don't pressure her.

[Vanilla]

Sadly alcoholics make a choice to drink. When they drink they make poor choices too.

You may well know that an alcoholic has enablers who enjoy the control. They may also have codependents who hang on to R.

The faster the addicts falls into the black hole of rock bottom the better. To support them for years thinking that's the best thing is making the ultimate physical and mental damage much greater.

It really hurts to watch someone you love binge drink in this way. And binge drinking js very destructive to women who because of smaller livers and less muscle so they deteriorate much faster. As they deteriorate and get poorer then they dumb down and buy cheaper stronger alcohol. Their friends get more poisonous. It's a deterioration and it can be very destructive.

All you can do is observe, put down boundaries and let it go.

Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Only ceasing to drink altogether for the rest of one's life will manage it, one day at a time.

V

[WBM]

I went on a short trip with friends last week. When I came back home, I sat and talked to W about the trip. She initiated R talk, so I listened and validated when I could. Her phone rang during the R talk, and it was the ex boyfriend. She looked at her phone and then put it down. I asked if it was him, and she said that yes it was, but that he wasn't her priority right now and that she didn't want to talk to him. She still claims that they are only friends and that she doesn't want to rekindle their old relationship. R talk lasted a while longer, ending with things that we could do to try and fix our M. She is still not sleeping in the MBR, and although has seemed "softer" since the R talk, has shown no real action. I guess maybe I am looking for any sign of things turning around.

[WBM]

My W has been insisting on her moving to the MBR and me moving to the spare room. She says that I am selfish and I don't care that she isn't getting much sleep. Should I move to the other room. She thinks that I am selfish, and I suppose that offering to switch bedrooms would be a 180 for me. I also think that she is testing me to see how I will respond. Do the vets or anyone have advice on this?