Many may use these types of distractions from avoiding living in today
I think many a MLCer may desire withdrawal from society and an isolated life and usually all fantasies look and sound better to the one with the fantasy but when actual reality hits or they find themselves there...its not at all what they thought they wanted
I agree with Job listen and nod
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I agree with job and peace...it sounds like he is living in or wanting to live in fantasy land. I'm sure we can all agree that we have an "unrealistic" dream that we would like to become real, but his sounds like a total escape from reality.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Well - it proved to be a very successful way of escaping me. I was clearly never a part of his dream and I suppose that's why I spend a fair bit of time wondering if I have romanticised a great deal of our relationship.
The other thing that I can't help wondering is whether all of this had to happen. XH had never had a relationship with anybody before me - and we were married at 27. I had rejected him once, mainly because he seemed so 'unfinished'. We got back together again about a year after that, when he made an all-out attempt to woo me back. I made it much easier for him because I had already realised he had all the qualities I wanted in a husband, and I really missed him. I always worried though if he would wonder if he had done the right thing by marrying me. Clearly, I had good reason.
You loved him the way a spouse should love. That is all that we can do. What they are going thru is not of our making, but something that they have to resolve on their own. As many have shared here...we did not break them and we cannot fix them. They have to do that themselves.
I actually just had a similar conversation with my w's sister. She is still in disbelief that her, once BFF sister, was able to drop her like she never existed. The old relationship is gone and there is no way of getting it back. Remember the good things that were there because obviously you are the only one that will. Work on loving yourself and becoming who you are supposed to be. God put you here for a reason and it is up to us to find out what that is.
If our sig-others decide at some later date that they want to be with us, then it will be our decision as to what we do. I pray that we actually will be able to make a choice, but we will have to wait on that and waiting is always the hardest part.
I feel your pain, but know that you are in our thoughts and prayers daily.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
S19 and I live in fairly close quarters, and occasionally we overhear things we'd rather not. This time though, I was amazed at the conversation I overheard him having with a new friend whose parents split when she was 2.
Amongst other things, S19 and friend discussed the way XH left us. For the first time I (over)heard that he'd told the kids he had dreams he wanted to follow and that he knew I wouldn't be on board with them, so he had to leave. S19 spoke of us all being gobsmacked and dumbfounded, and how angry he was with the way his father dealt with it all.
Then he spoke of the love he had for his father, but how he cannot idolise him anymore because XH hurt me so much. The friend saw all the obvious things straight away - how it is unthinkable to blast away 25 years of marriage in a single barrage of words and actions. How it's so wrong to tell the world that you love somebody then tell that same person you haven't loved them for years.
A few more things came out about XH's family and their treatment of me - which goes some way to explaining why he seems so reluctant to do the family visitations his father pays him to do. Yes, you read that right, S19 gets paid by XH to visit his grandmother and do whatever little odd jobs she wants done. It's a constant source of conflict between the three of them - grandma is always complaining to XH (and even to me when I saw her at the supermarket last week) that S19 is very unreliable with his visits. I'm glad I'm well out of that one!
The sad thing is S19 says he's still devastated about how his father left and believes it's the underlying cause for the anger that seems to be constantly simmering. I think I should probably get him into some counselling - but I don't think that is going to be an easy task. I have been encouraging him to visit his grandma too, which I will continue to do because I think he owes it to himself to stay as connected to all of his family as possible.
Having said all that, I have to say I'm so proud of this young man for being as perceptive, forgiving and loving as he is, bearing in mind how angry he feels towards the man he used to worship. I can only wonder if one day his father works out that when he abandoned us (this is the word S19 uses) he set himself an enormous task - to regain the respect he was once given in spades. I also worry that S19 will do the same thing as his father when he reaches mid life. Does anybody have any insights about how best to MLC-proof the offspring of MLCers?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Wow - I take that to mean that D knows that W is in the throes of an MLC? Was that something she worked out for herself? How old was she when she felt the sting of your W's behaviour?
One thing I'm hopeful of is that if MLC is rooted in some kind of childhood or adolescent trauma my kids will be spared. Whilst S19 (who was 16 at BD) felt the full force of his father's abandonment, there was never any physical mistreatment nor were there any scathing attacks on his character. XH never said anything about the kids nor how they negatively impacted his 'freedom', although I suppose his lack of empathy and engagement probably did some damage.
XH's father was a bit of a monster, who reserved manifesting the worst bit of his violent nature for his son. Whilst XH's sisters were never physically mistreated, the old man heaped the scorn and disrespect that XH was treated with fairly evenly amongst his children. I suspect that is a big part in the punishing quest for perfection/achievement XH and his siblings appear to embrace.
In contrast, both S21 and S19 agree that their childhood was idyllic so I can only hope that the trauma that S19 felt when he was 16 will be dealt with before he embarks on a long-term relationship. Both of my boys have talked with each other about their feelings around the divorce, and both of them appear to have reached the conclusion that there are ways to go about conflict resolution that don't include detonating the family unit. However, XH used to say the same sort of thing - so who knows if recognition of bad behaviour is any indicator?
Gordie, if it's true that MLC is rooted in some kind of unresolved childhood trauma, do you believe your D is going to have anything to worry about?
The way I look at it is a bit different than what is canon here.
MLC is not listed in the psychological diagnostic manual to my understanding and is not accepted as a professional diagnosis.
I talked to my own therapist about it and concerns that I had of me following a similar path of dancing with the fairies. She assured me that since I was asking that question that there was little risk. Self-awareness she seemed to indicate was key. It is talked about here that the "MLC" person needs to deal with their issues. I know that my ex certainly was very avoidant of any sort of introspection especially if it was not positive.
There's some talk here and a lot of talk on other sites about narcissism, cluster-B disorders, bi-polar and a lot of other labels. I think if we take off our rose-coloured glasses and think of our spouses we can certainly see that they had some strong selfish characteristics.
Being able to do selfish things even though they hurt others is a key factor. I do know that my own son has many personality traits like his mother and like you both, I worry about him following a similar path in years to come.
Now - with that being said, if you dig around some of the older threads, there does indeed seem to be some commonality of early abuse / loss, depression and unresolved issues. I would argue - completely without authority - that there are lots of people who have those problems and don't go off with the fairies. Given the astoundingly large percentage of people who are seen here to go into a "MLC" and there are so few "returns" and of those many of them go dancing off again, I do have my doubts about the process as it is laid out here. But again - non-professional and only anecdotal information.
I think that for me, the best that I can do is to model good behaviour for my son. He is well aware of the impact that infidelity has had on me. He has a generally kindly soul. But - so did his mother I thought and she had a horror of infidelity and disgust with her cheating father and sister. Until she started cheating too. He perhaps has also seen the cost of her infidelity - which his mother never saw since her parents and siblings stayed together despite the cheating.
Not sure if that helped - just my thoughts.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think the introspection thing is quite probably the key too.
I've just read an article in Psychology Today, by a woman called Pamela Haag around the concept of "same bed, different dream" and how a seemingly happy marriage can have two people with vastly differing perspectives. In this woman's opnion, when one of the couple decides their wants/desires are incompatible with the marriage, it's time to split.
I found myself feeling extremely negative towards this so-called popular psychologist. Unfortunately, she painted my sitch with almost perfect strokes - then threw in a glib "there's nothing to forgive, for there was nothing to be done, worked on" etc etc. Basically, she figures my marriage was always going to have a use-by date because, unbeknown to me, it turned out XH's dreams were so different to mine.
I can honestly say I did my due diligence well before I got married, just to make sure he and I were on the same page. There was no issue I could see being a problem. During the marriage I asked many times whether our dreams could be compatible, and whenever I did that I got an affirmative answer. Quite clearly he didn't know what his dreams were, or they changed - and just as clearly he thought whatever mine were, they were not compatible with his.
I strongly disagree with Haag's opinion that there are no conversations to be had around differing dreams. I also believe that dreams are as dreams do - that there needs to be some kind of dream evaluation technique that can be used to classify them for achievability. It might stop people throwing their lives away on a dream that is so unrealistic or crazy it's not worth following.
Anyway, I can see there are glib, well-respected folk around who fuel selfish people's notion that they should do whatever feels good, whenever they like, regardless of who they hurt. That you can sign up in good conscience to a lifetime deal, then bail out without consequences whenever you decide your dreams are incompatible.
I'd bet money on the notion that XH signed up for this woman's newsletters!
Yeah that's BS. I'd bet dollars to donuts that psychologist was a walkaway herself.
Sure, you can have two people whose goals in life are completely different - but they don't usually suddenly become that way after years of marriage. And the whole point of marriage is that you work through things like that and compromise on them. I was EXTREMELY flexible in my marriage and would have accommodated any of my ex's dreams - didn't save me.
