Thank you Sandi for the comments and insight. I recently went out with family, had some drinks, came home and pressured her for affection. I drink still and have comitted to doing it less and staying out of the wrong situations like bars, etc. Soaking in your advice.
Regarding crying and pleading. Yeah, thats done I hope. Realization hit with the kids starting to notice. Regarding done fixing, I meant I feel like I have to do what I need to do rather than fix what she says was always wrong. For me to heal I must forgive myself. I have been wallowing in my wrongs and self pity and asking her to feed it by engaging her when she is sad.
I am working on respect and self respect. As you said, dominated by fear anxiety and uncertainty. I have been weak. I have taken her for granted. I did not think this could occur and so once more I took her for granted. But there is always 2 sides to this. If I focused completely on her, where do I begin? We keep finding ourselves here because I need more and want more than she can give. She is probably exhausted by that.
These are all realizations for me. I have been blind in the blanket of her love and acceptance. Now what? I want her happiness now. My kids happiness. My happiness...but not at the cost of the above.
I can not predict the future, but maybe you are right. I am doing what I always should have done now.
Why is she sticking around? For the kids yes. There is maybe the slightest ember of love too. I am killing it atm. Seemed like I was doing good first few weeks.
I am addicted to the in love feeling. Arent we all.
I realize my actions have shown I am selfish and controlling narcissist. How do I kill that guy so the real me, the one who is here 99% of the time is the one she sees when she looks at me.
For me the difference is we have been through more, survived more, loved more...but suffered more. I am driven to fix it and rebuild it for the kids...for us.
Last time I worked on me and focused on myself. Quit gaming. Lived life. Let go. She came back to me because deep down, I am a good, responsible, loving, fun person. I am not as evil as my drunken indiscretions would indicate.
Why are you still drinking? You've had DUIs. You are an alcoholic. The best way to change, I believe, is to give up drinking completely. If you aren't in AA you should be. You will never get through DBing and DRing by abusing substances of any kind. It is hard enough to be consistent when sober, let alone drunk or high.
If you aren't willing to stop drinking, I don't think you have much chance of success. Sorry to be so blunt.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, you might be right. A beer now and then. Perhaps I need to really really change. Not for her, for myself. Scared of life without alcohol. That was my escape. Where I did not feel burdened with constant pressure and responsibility. Where I could socialize and let loose. Maybe I am here because of those thougjts and sentiments a d the actions around it. Wow. Thanks.
I've been there brother. Trust me, life is much better alcohol free. Those that can imbibe in control can do the "beer now and then". Those of us with a history of drinking problems (mine were when I was much younger and well before I met my wife) can't even do that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Antidepressants are on my mind. Going to the doctor tomorrow. Also have IC tomorrow. Trying to get off the rollercoaster atm. At work, I seem and appear good...little do they know the turmoil beneath the surface.
I am addicted to the in love feeling. Arent we all.
No. I can safely say that we are not all addicted to that.
I mean, it's a great time. But it isnt realistic for that to be your life for years and years. Relationships dont work that way and expecting them to is dooming the relationship.
No, I work hard for love. It is a choice. I have made poor choices mixed with the good. I have been living two lives.
Now what. Focus on my good. Enhance my good. What is bad has been done and I face those consequences now.
Im sorry if you are taking offense to my questioning. I know that it must seem like I am just criticizing without providing actionable direction.
Thats because I still dont really understand your goals and motivations.
I read that you gone through this and then reverted to similar behaviors. It makes it very hard to understand this "lightbulb" moment that you describe. Did it come on several years back and then turn back off? Did you 'fake it' last time and now you are going to do things for 'real'?
To couple to that, you describe your marriage as a high with the "in love" times of passion and a low in the interims. You write that you work hard for love, but I havent seen any evidence of that in your posting except when you felt like you were in danger of losing your W.
So to wrap those things together, I challenge you again. How would your life and your relationship be different this time? What incentive is there for your W to walk down the road shes already walked down twice with you after having bad results both times? To me, those are the questions you should be asking yourself as you structure your goals on how to improve yourself. Until I understand the answers to those kinds of points, its difficult to really give you actionable advice outside of the generalities you are already reciting - "be my best self" and so on.
My goal right now is peace and calm. Internal and external. I have no lofty goals at the moment. Control of my emotions. Detached but present. Understanding, calm, demeanor. I want my kids to feel peace and joy. My wife to feel at ease.
I understand what your going through brother. Hope all things get better, be patient and let time heal some wounds, work one yourself to become a better person for yourself and your kids, the wife will see the change if you put the effort.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
