Answering the Call

[mleigh4]

How did the court day go? Has a schedule been settled on? Thinking of you, hope all is well.

M

[bttrfly]

Ha how are you doing? what's going on with you? you hanging in there kiddo? xoxoxoxo

[Gordie]

Wishing you well...hopefully no news is good news.

[HaWho]

Thanks all for checking in on me.

The court date was pretty useless. The mediator made a recommendation: that we each have 50/50. But the problem is h has a more flexible schedule and so on "my day" rather than letting the kids walk home to my house where I return an hour and a half later, he picks them up and takes them to his place. The mediator explained to him that this gives him more than 50% which is not fair and the kids should be gaining a sense of independence at their age. She said my day is my day. Meanwhile h thinks I need to be a chicken sitting on my eggs.

H asked her three times why he can't continue this process. He seemed to get it. Then the next day he agreed to let them walk home to my place on my day. But then he picked them up and said they are not my days until I am with them?!? (He actually wrote that!) I have asked him to stop this. At times he agrees but then just does it all over again. I forward all the correspondence to my lawyer.

During the court date he said I was mentally unstable because I saw a therapist and once took meds. This is something he has held over me for a long time. It is quite classless of him. I told the mediator my nephew was diagnosed with an extremely rare disorder and yes, I sought the help of a therapist to help me. I said I am proud of that as it's good to seek help when you need it. And yes, I took anti-anxiety medication for a few months to carry me through it. I told her (and him) I did nothing wrong and I'm proud of seeking help.

Days later h kept texting me things like: maybe I should seek counseling for financial spending. Or maybe counseling for ethics as I told x thing to son recently. He went on and on in this "see a counselor" fashion. Bizarre. I ignored it all. So much rage texting.

If ever we are near each other he doesn't even dare look me in the eye even when I stare right at him openly. As always he is brave behind a screen.

The gist of it is he has massive control issues. He monsters a lot. Sometimes I am just sitting there at work and he just blows up my phone, rage texting me. Usually the topic du jour is: do I realize what I have done by getting a lawyer? Do I realize how much money I am wasting? How am I ever going to justify all this to the kids? What am I going to say when they ask about all this financial waste? And on and on and on ...

I ignore it. I wish there was an MLC app that could parse the message and just move it into my junk box when it's nothing about the kids.

In other news, I had a small fender bender. My car is old but very reliable. It is not worth it to repair the car. So I started looking for another. The radiator was damaged so the car is not operable. Then I remembered h has two of our cars: an old reliable wagon and his MLC car (#2). He took both.

So I texted him asking to use the wagon vs. paying for a rental. Both are joint assets and my name is on that car. He said no. He told me he likes to use the wagon to transport the dog. I told him my name is on it, I have a right to it, blah, blah, blah. I told my lawyer about it--forwarded him the text conversation where my ex tells me my dog has a right over me to my own car. Wonder how that will all pan out once someone with some fangs looks this all over. (H in all his generosity told me to take 2500 and buy myself a new car! Of course he just bought himself a very nice MLC car a year ago.)

Overall, this is a hugely undignified process. I am looking forward to being done with this chapter of my life. I swear he loves exerting control in any way he can.

Positives: when I told a coworker about my d and my car sitch, she loaned me an extra car that she has so that I could take my time car shopping. Here is this person I have know for 1 year who extended me more kindness than the father of my own kids.

Another positive: I told a friend about everything. I had held off as she was newly married and weren't so close so it was nice to keep it all separate. She invited me to stay at her house on several nights when the kids are not here. She listened to me and supported me; so kind!

There are wonderful people in this world with amazing hearts. Each person teaches me something new or supports me in some new way.

Oh, and this friend? She said she once saw my h walking around this young/party area of the city. And also? She said she and a friend saw him openly checking out women when picking the kids up from school. Classy.

As for me? I am close to buying a car (tomorrow, hopefully ... fingers crossed.). And I was given a pay raise--whoop!

I will get through this. Already I am so much stronger than I was two months ago.

[Kyh]

Hi Hawho,

I'm glad you accident was minor and congratulations on the raise! I'm sorry you're still dealing with his anger and ridiculous behavior. What you write reminds me so much of my xw when she was monstering. The projection in their anger is so insane. Hopefully when things move along his anger will start to burn out. After my d was finalized I noticed xw shifted a lot of her anger elsewhere.

The only thing he did talking about you going to counseling in court was to make himself look bad. In my experience all the attorneys, etc. viewed therapy as a good thing and encouraged it. I think you handled it perfect.

[job]

HaWho,

All I can do is shake my head. Your h is over the top. He doesn't realize that you could expose him for being a nut job about food and him living in that stinky dorm room for many months...now, to me, that makes him look like the unstable one. But, you will play fair until the very end. BTW, your h reminds me so much of how my xh behaved during the process.

He really is attempting to gas light you in many ways and to state you had to see a therapist is a very low blow, imo. Please, please do not allow him to get into your head. You now have a very clear view of who you are dealing with and he is going to be one of those that will continue to fight you and the judicial system no matter how he looks. He's not going to listen to a thing that they tell him because he's bucking the "authority" in his mind.

I am so sorry about the fender bender, but at least you had a friend come to your rescue and that will burn your h's chops because he doesn't have control over that either. I bet he was "hot" over the fact that you found a way around his game of "mine" and not "sharing". His little game w/the cars will be over soon enough as the one is in both names and since he has two...he may have to count that as a marital asset that will need to be discussed. Good luck w/the car shopping and I am glad you are okay.

Continue to document because the stuff he's sending you shows just how unstable he is. Be careful and walk around your car and check around you house periodically. I do not put anything past this guy.

[Gordie]

Hawho,

I’m so sorry you are being subjected to this torture.

And I’m glad you weren’t hurt in your accident.

I’m very glad you are finding support out there IRL where yes, there are kind and helpful people.

How are the kids?

I’m glad you are seeing a mediator. I hope he/she can cut down and the back and forth and expedite agreement. In my experience, the faster you come to a fair and equitable agreement the lower your legal bills. I wish I could tell your stbx that.

[mleigh4]

HW I am so sorry for what he is putting you through. The low blows he has stooped to make me just shake my head. You should be proud of seeking help during that time, we all know he should as well.

Thank you so much for checking in. I think of you often and I do worry about you! That was so nice of your friend to loan you her car. It just goes to show what a good person you must be, as well as her.

I do hope to hear some better news soon, your H really needs to calm down already. You are doing a great job of being the sane adult here.

I hope the boys are doing well. Please take care, you are very much in my prayers.

Xxoo
M

[bttrfly]

HaWho my lovely keep every one of those texts. Print them out and put them in a book so that there is proof. He's shooting himself in the foot every time he sends a harassing text, but only if you take the steps to document document document.

sending much love xoxoxo you will get through this I promise.

[Sotto]

Ugh, I'm sorry to read about what you are going through HaWho. That must be tough and I truly empathise. I so remember this stage of the process - though XH was pretty reasonable. I think he was all focused on riding off into the sunset with his new GF and having a new family. There are some benefits to having a loved up MLCer I guess...

I truly hope things will settle down soon. For now, seek any support you need and try to remove the emotion from the process as much as you can. Interact on a business level only. Minimal, pleasant, specific. He is a client you don't want to have to deal with but you need to...I know - not easy.

Know that this too shall pass and calmer waters lie ahead for you....xxx